Platy-Romance

Chapter One

The First Spark

"Hey, where's Perry?" Phineas asks. As always, Perry the Platypus feels a twinge of guilt as he scurries away from the boys. The guilt weighs more when he stops to think about all the fun the boys will have without him, but enough of that. As much as he would rather stay and watch the ingenuity that he usually misses out on, he has a job to do.

The platypus gives the hallway a quick glance before standing aright, placing his fedora on straight before tapping on the knee-high vent on his left. The grate of the vent shivers and slides away, revealing a slide of a tunnel leading deep underneath the house's foundation. Perry doesn't hesitate; he leaps, and finds himself sliding down, down, down, until finally, he lands with a rough thud in the middle of his lair. Before him, his usual chair and computer, and miscellaneous tech that he really never messes with. On the giant computer screen, looking as professional as ever, is Major Monogram, watching as Perry moves to sit in his chair.

"Agent P," Major starts, "Doofenshmirtz has been seen visiting a variety of areas within town, including the grocery store, the mall, and lastly, an auto repair shop. He's obviously up to some evil, terrible plan, and we need you to find out what it is, and stop him."

Perry takes this as his cue and gives the Major his routine salute before moving to leave.

"Hold on, Agent P, I'm not finished yet."

Perry stops and turns back, confused. Agent Monogram gives a slight nod.

"As you know, from time to time we have new animals joining the O.W.C.A and they require field training before being assigned to their own evil scientist and host family. We need you to train one of our newest recruit. Agent P, meet Agent Ma."

The floor on his left shifts and lowers, revealing a hole, soon filled by a rising platform. Perry gives the new agent a double take, eyes bulging, his fedora tilting crookedly.

She is the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. Her feathers a soft lime green, preened and smoothed down, contrastingly perfectly with the felted brown fedora angled on her head. Her eyes are beautiful, pure blue, sparkling lightly at him. Her eyelashes must be at least a couple inches long, her posture strong, confident, and that beak! So slim, so curved, and so orange! Everything else in the world has gone dark; all he can see is her, and her absolute beauty.

"Carl, what's going on with the lights?"

"Sorry Sir, I thought a spot light would be appropriate."

"Well stop it. I'm trying to talk to Agent P."

The rest of the lair's lights returned, Perry reluctantly turns back to the monitor, unable to resist keeping the bird in his peripherals.

Major Monogram continues. "As you can see, Agent Ma is a bird. Why we gave her Ma as a code name I haven't the slightest—"

"Well she's actually a Macaw, sir, not just a bird."

"Huh…then why don't we call her Agent M?"

"Because we already have two Agent M's, sir. One is a mouse, and the other is a monkey."

"Oh…well I can see how that can get confusing. Still, kinda goes against tradition. Does her real name at least start with an M?"

"Yes sir, it's Mary."

"Oh good. That's alright then. Ok Agent P, we need you to take Agent Ma on your mission today, to show her the ropes. And stop Doofenshmirtz! Dismissed."

The screen goes blank and Perry feels himself freeze up. Trembling, he turns towards Mary, awkwardly scratching his back and trying his best to avoid eye contact. What should I say? he thinks to himself.

Mary gives Perry a cool tilt of her head, catching the lair's bright light perfectly on her shiny orange beak. Trying not to panic, Perry settles on giving her a nervous chirp before jumping off the chair and leading her to a tunnel just a few feet away, where his typical hovercraft is parked. Mary hops after him, giving a thankful caw as he opens the passenger seat's door. After helping her in, he jumps into the driver's seat and starts the engine, steering it through a newly opened tunnel and out into the world.

I should ask her about herself, Perry thinks to himself, get to know her some…

No! He can't think about this now. He has a job to do.

The purple building ahead of him is an oddly familiar shape, but he has never been able to put his bill on exactly what it reminds him of. Ignoring this aggravation – as well as ignoring the background theme song announcing their arrival at Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated –, he lands the hovercraft lightly on the tower's patio.

"Ah, Perry the—," Doofenshmirtz starts from just a few feet away but Perry holds up a finger, pausing the now confused, evil scientist. Calm only on the outside, the platypus gets out of the hovercraft, walks around to the other side, and opens Mary's door. She hops out, coolly chirping up at him.

That's a smile, he thinks to himself, now smile back.

He tries, but only manages a nervous chirp of his own. Trying not to blush, he points to Doofenshmirtz, who's still standing there, his face a twist of confusion.

"Who's this?" Doofenshmirtz asks.

Mary pulls her fedora off, tugs a business card out from a secret pocket inside, and then whips the hat back on her head. With a hop and bound, she flies over to the scientist, handing him the card before returning to Perry's side.

Doofenshmirtz reads the card aloud. "Mary 'Agent Ma' the Macaw, agent-in-training, Phone Number 555-43—', oh I see. You're mentoring her today, oh that's nice. I wish you had told me sooner though, so I could have set a larger trap to give the two of you more room but…"

A button seems to manifest out of nowhere and is pressed before Perry can so much as give a fighting stance. Shot from some hidden cannon not far away is a variety of colored hula hoops, dropped onto the two agents and contracting instantly, pulling the two unbearably close to each other, arms – and wings – pinned to their sides.

Doofenshmirtz takes a few steps closer. "Now you see? You two aren't really uncomfortable, are you? Sorry, but you know this wouldn't have happened if you had just told me about the new girl sooner. Now then! To my evil plan!"

Being trapped by an evil scientist bent on taking over the Tri-State Area is great experience for Mary, but Perry can't help but feel a little self-conscious and horribly aware of the close knit space between them.

Focus, he tells himself. This is the important part; Doofenshmirtz is explaining his evil plan; he can't zone out on it now.

"Ok," the man says, tugging his lab coat proudly, "so I was running a bunch of errands all over town today, you know, going shopping for groceries and for some new shoes and I had to take my car in because there was this weird squeaky sound coming from under the hood and it was really starting to annoy me, plus I wasn't sure if it was something important or not and I didn't want to take any chances so…anyways! While I was out, I noticed something. Everywhere I went, every store I stopped at, there were people walking around messing with their cell phones. Seriously, you see it everywhere; people talking on them, texting on them, playing games, checking the time and then checking it again because the first time they checked it they weren't even paying attention. It's really rude, especially when they totally ignore you or when they're walking really slowly in front of you and you can't get past them so you have to go slow too. It's so annoying! And so, I built my Cellphonedestroyinator!"

Perry shuffles a bit, wobbling from side to side, trying to get closer to see this new invention and maybe spot the self-destruct button. Doubtless there is one. But wobbling like this, with Mary strapped to his back, all he manages is to lose his balance and trip them both over, rolling on the floor like a roll of toilet paper.

Great job, Perry, the Platypus thought to himself angrily. Doofenshmirtz doesn't notice, he just keeps going on explaining his new plot.

"You see, this Cellphonedestroyinator will completely obliterate all cellphones with in a twenty mile radius, leaving people to finally take notice of their surroundings. Finally, no more texting and driving, no more annoying people talking really obnoxiously on their cell phone during a movie, no more teenagers squealing on the phone with their best friend about some boy they really like, you know, that sort of thing. I actually think this will benefit humanity but it'll really make a lot of people mad, so it's still, you know, evil. Now, just let me put in a few coordinates and we'll be ready to go."

Perry twists a bit and stares into Mary's eyes, trying not to feel the weakness in his knees. He cheeps, keeping professional.

Now's when we escape, he tries to converse to her. She seems to understand him easily enough. With a serious – if not flattering – nod, she bends her head and clamps her beak around the closest hula hoop. A few bites, some gnawing, and the trap has been ruined, loosening their constraints enough to release the two agents. Perry jumps out, landing on his webbed feet, his arms straightened in a threating martial arts way. Mary springs up beside him, hovering over the ground, claws arched and sharp.

Doofenshmirtz leaps up in surprise. "Perry the Platypus! And…Mary the Macaw! How did you get out of that?" He notices the chewed up hula hoops and slouches. "Oh, you chewed through it…hmm, I guess I should have built those with something other than flimsy plastic but I didn't count on you having a sharp enough beak too…oh well forget it. You live and you learn I guess."

Right on schedule, Perry jumps up several feet, giving Doofenshmirtz a swift kick in the stomach, knocking him over. The agent lands, sturdy as always, ignoring Doofenshmirtz complaining.

I hope she saw that, he thinks to himself. With a purr, he points at the new doomsday device. Mary jumps and flies, landing gracefully on the Cellphonedestroyinator, surveying it for the self-destruct button.

Doofenshmirtz gets up, rubbing his stomach as if it's upset. "Ugh, I shouldn't have eaten such a big lunch before I started this evil plan," he complains as he uses his new invention to help him stay up. He leans against the contraption, his coat snags on a lever and pulls it. The machine fires up and from the ray gun on top shoots a pink laser off into the distance, far out of sight. Perry swears he hears an extremely familiar teenage girl scream echoing out from of the suburbs but he ignores it. While Doofenshmirtz marvels at the workings, Perry and Mary search for the fail safe.

There! On the side paneling, next to the dial pad! Mary hops over to it, smiles, and pecks at the large red button. There's a series of beeps, of quaking. The macaw flips backwards and flies back to her mentor, using her claws to pick him up by the shoulders, flying him off the building and away from the explosion and the spoiled Doofenshmirtz behind them.

"Curse you Perry the Platypus…and…Mary the Macaw! Jeez, that's a mouthful isn't it? Kinda…kinda dampens the cursing-towards-the-sky thing, huh? I'm really glad I usually only have to face one nemesis at a time."

Mary glides through Danville's streets, keeping hold of Perry. The platypus looks up at her, smiling at how the sunlight catches her lime green feathers. The macaw looks down at him and returns the smile, making eye contact that Perry is too nervous – or perhaps too thrilled – to break. That is, until a loud honking catches their attention, revealing a large semi-truck heading straight towards them.

A swish of his large beaver tail changes their flight pattern and they narrowly avoid getting hit. Getting over the shock, the two laugh together before finally reaching the Flynn-Fletcher home in the suburbs.

Mary gently places Perry down before landing beside him. Awkwardly, the two stand there, looking at each other, unsure how to say goodbye, before Perry holds his paw out. She smiles and holds out her wing and the two shake. Thinking that that's that, Perry turns to leave but Mary stops him, placing her wing on his shoulder. He turns and from her fedora, Mary pulls out her business card, tapping at it to point out her cell number before handing it to him. He takes it and smiles at her, tipping his hat coolly. She chirps and flies off, looking back at him with a grin.

Slipping the card inside his front pocket, Perry heads to the backyard, where the boys are just wrapping up their day's events. He removes his fedora, falls on all fours and patters out for his owners to see him.

"Oh, there you are Perry," Phineas says.

Perry gives his typical crackle. If only he could tell them about how great of a day he had.