It's TMNT. And I don't own them. Never did.
Title: Repentance. Chapter 1
Pairing: Leo/Raph. Onesided.
Raiting: T? Not sure.
Warning: turtlecest, mentioning of not very pleasant things, angst.
Summary: Leo was always in control and looked firmly towards the approaching danger. But now he has to fight invisible and intangible enemy he had never expected to face...
For you: I hope You enjoy it. Any tips and comments are welcome. Thank You for reading!
CHAPTER 1. CONTROL
I'll do anything to protect my family.
He knew he will. His first promise. It didn't mean that his brothers were incapable to take care of themselves, that they were bad ninjas, that they couldn't possibly survive without him.
It only meant that he loved them.
He loved cheerful and light-hearted Mikey, who enjoyed every moment of his life despite not very smooth and comforting reality. He loved smart and kind Don, who seemed to know everything and made this 'everything' work right. He loved brave and strong Raph, who was ready to give his life for all of them any second and never gave up.
God, he loved his brothers so much!
...
If you need me, I'm always there for you.
He promised that too, didn't he?
He was always there; ready to help, to support, to do whatever they needed. He watched Mikey skateboarding and cooked indescribable pizzas with the youngest of the clan for holidays. He listened to Don's endless explanations not getting his words and tried to help him in the lab. He trained with Raph and resisted his flashes of anger, letting him calm down a bit.
Yes, he was there for them. And even if pizzas got burned sometimes, Don's experiments failed and missed heavy punch knocked senior brother off, it really didn't matter much.
Because he was there.
...
I won't let anything terrible happen to them.
Unspoken promise. He knew he couldn't prevent all bad things in this world and couldn't be everywhere and every time. But he tried. Tried so hard…
Because he didn't want to see crying Mikey. Didn't want to see worried Don. He didn't want to see angry Paph. They deserved to be happy.
And he deserved it too.
...
His promises…
He broke them all.
...
It had started two years ago. Reality had become a nightmare. And his greatest ability had turned against him in the end.
He was always in control. Always. Whatever it was – place, surroundings, situation, even time – he always controlled it. At least, he tried to do it. And it was the same about his body and mind. Every move, every step, every word – he urged to control them all from the very childhood.
Self control. That was his greatest ability and part of his leader's essence.
He thought there was nothing that could break this. Of course, they had come through different events during their life and his ability had been questioned and attacked many times. It had been unbearably hard to recover from some of those attacks. But no enemy had been able to break him and his self control completely. No monsters, no gangs, no aliens. No one. He had overpowered them all.
But life sometimes could be so unpredictable.
So uncontrollable.
Two years ago he had felt it for the first time. And 3 agonizing months later he gave up the fight, admitting his defeat. Absolute defeat. His ability to control his own needs and emotions was crushed ruthlessly and forcefully. That was no one's fault. It just happened.
He lost himself in Raphael.
For the next couple of months he desperately tried just to live with it, avoiding his brother as much as possible and suppressing his own powerful urges. He woke up in his bed, screaming silently and feeling his body trembling deeply, shuddering from dreams he didn't want to see and shivering with exhaustion due to the lack of sleep. Golden orbs haunted him all the time, no place to hide or escape.
It started to become horrifying.
...
Then Splinter sent him away for training.
But blessed 6 months period away from the source of his torments ended quickly, too quickly to have some healing effect. And so he didn't come home after that. He just couldn't even if he missed his brothers and father very much, even if he was worried about them and felt guilty for not writing and letting them know he was still alive.
He often wondered if Raphael thought about him, but so far away without any way to connect them it was easier to imagine hothead's actions and words. Probably distance, wild aura and his new role as Ghost of the Jungle did their job pretty well. Besides staying here was his own decision and somehow it meant he started to take his life under control again.
The way it should be.
By the time April found him he felt almost calm and collected, like it always was. When they talked and he asked about his siblings and Raphael nothing seemed to bother him. At least in that disturbing and torturing way. And he decided that it was time to come back since he had his self control again and was able to think coherently and act firmly, following the reason, not instincts.
Way to home was short despite the miles separating them, especially since he forbid himself any kind of hesitation. Decision was made and he just had to follow it.
What leader he was if he wouldn't do what he decided to?
He asked forgiveness from his master and father and received comforting encouragement he didn't expect, exchanged few words with Raph, smiled, talked to Donnie, hugged Mikey. Was good to be home again. He could see some new mechanism genius was working at through the opened lab door, he could smell pizza's aroma as happy youngest brother served quick late night snack for them in the kitchen, he could hear wise and warming words sensei was telling him as they sat behind one table like they used to before. And even Raphael's absence couldn't spoil the moment, thought of course it felt like something was missing. Then they all said goodnight to each other and he slowly went upstairs to his own room, counting the steps and not thinking about anything. Having closed the door behind, he walked forward to the bed and lowered onto it slowly.
There, in the living room, with his brothers and father he was able to lie to himself, being surrounded by their voices, smiles and looks that served as a distraction. Here, in the darkness and silence of his personal shelter that suddenly looked like a prison, his self-possession and self-deception were scattered around the space.
All he could see now despite his closed eyes was Raphael's face, beckoning golden orbs, movements of powerful body. All he could smell was brother's intoxicating scent. All he could hear were few dark green terrapin's words rolling in his droning head over and over again.
I'm going to bed.
He wasn't able to sleep that night.
...
Then it all became only worse as if his immoral feelings were not enough. He heard about that Nightwatcher character and noticed that Raph actually liked him quite a lot, approving his actions and confronting Leonardo about cursed vigilante. And leader's soul unexpectedly burned with another, not less strong feeling – hatred. He would have been disturbed by the intensity of it before, but now it seemed almost natural.
Unfortunately the more he accused and 'attacked' Nightwatcher, the more Raphael became angry with him. But Leo didn't care, all he thought about was stopping that so-called hero once and for all. He wanted to wipe that costume freak out of the streets, out of New York, out of Raph's world. He didn't think logically, but at least his obsessive intention helped him focus his mind on something else except his brother.
Don and Mikey noticed, of course, but didn't ask why he was so fixed on Nightwatcher. And even if they did – he wouldn't have answered. Besides, what could he say? That he – their leader, elder brother, well trained ninja who kept his mind cool during the hardest battles - was jealous? So jealous it made his insides burn every time he simply heard anything about vigilante?
They were not going to understand, Leo was sure. Nobody could. Not father, not brothers, not friends. He was absolutely alone this time, fighting the invisible and intangible enemy he had never expected to face. But no matter what he refused to give up, doing his best to control it, to find some peace, to get things back to normal again. And even if his body and mind betrayed him this time, he still tried.
He had to.
Then there was that fight on the roof. It left him confused. Scared. Willing even more. And when his family came for him after he had been kidnapped and Raphael looked at him without anger for the first time since his return Leo suddenly realized that things were not going to be the same ever again. Maybe he had hated Nightwatcher before, maybe he still disliked Raph's alter ego, but this character made them closer, helped leader get through brother's shields and finally receive some warmth and care he craved so much. It wasn't enough, but at least it was something. Maybe it was some sort of a chance, even if Leonardo couldn't even think about confessing what he was going through. He couldn't lose what he had earned with such efforts.
But he was totally honest when he said that he was going to need Raph.
He just didn't let anybody know complete meaning of this phrase.
...
Things became much calmer since that fight with stone generals. They were a family again, spent time together, went on patrols. Raphael wasn't tensed around him anymore, he smiled, patted elder brother on the shoulder giving him pleasurable creeps and laughed, making Leo's heart squeeze every time he heard those wonderful sounds. Maybe it was still painful to keep himself from touching or showing true feelings, but eventually leader started to think he could live with it.
Could control it.
...
It was usual patrol. Actually it was Mikey and Donnie's turn, but youngest didn't feel too well and genius was busy. Or maybe he caught some virus from the youngest as he was a bit flashed and absent-minded as if having some dizziness. At least that's how he looked when Leonardo peeked into the lab to say he was going on patrol himself. He really intended to take long – longer than it was necessary - walk around sewers like he used to lately to collect his thoughts and distract himself a little, but hearing familiar sounds from dojo he slowed down before realizing it. Low grunts meant Raphael was working out, spending a free time, blowing off some steam or maybe just having nothing else to do. After almost a minute of hesitation leader forced himself look natural, walked in and invited his brother to come with him. Hothead stared at him for some time as if considering something, but then just smiled and nodded. He seemed to be somewhat distracted, plunged into some deep thoughts, but Leo didn't ask anything. He just wanted some time with his brother.
So it was usual patrol.
Leonardo didn't notice when he slowed his movements to be behind Raphael. Trying to control his breathing, he walked after him, staring at powerful thighs and the tip of small tail that wriggled slightly in the accord of movements. Raph's walk was wide, confident, a bit heavy, but Leo knew that it was a deceptive impression. Of course, hothead wasn't the fastest of them all, but he wasn't slow. Especially, in the fight. Leo gulped with great effort, not even caring to keep normal face expression and not bothering that his brother could turn around every moment and notice what he was looking at. Shell, he didn't care, he just wanted to touch those legs so much, wanted to feel strong muscles under his fingers, stroke dark green skin, lick it, nip it, bit it… Wanted to make his brother tremble and whisper his name again and again… Wanted to be as close to that body as he never was before…
Yes, he wanted to take him. Claim him. Devour him.
He couldn't control it. It suddenly dawned on him with indescribable weight, but right now he somehow couldn't feel anything about it. No fear, no regret, no guilt. He couldn't control it and – Shell! – he didn't want to!
Next thing he saw was Raphael on his shell, feet pressing to the floor, legs moved apart, eyes unfocused and mouth opened slightly. His own fingers pressing to hothead's pressure point a bit harder than it was necessary. His hands moving swiftly tying Raph's arms with his belt to old, but still solid pipe near the wall and then finally wandering hungrily all along other's body. Water dripped from the ceiling, small drops landing on hothead's collarbone and plastron, glimmering slightly in the dim light of sewer tunnels.
Leonardo's watched one of them slowly tracing down Raph's neck. His breath caught in his throat.
And his mind switched off.