A/N: Hi there! Well, this will probably be my last fic before finals, so I hope you enjoy it! It's basically a birthday fic to my friend C. Adrien Cummings. If you haven't read his stuff, I really suggest you do. He's an amazing writer, no joke.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
I'm still breathing
Can I be dreaming once again? I'm lost in you everywhere I run Your whispers fill these empty halls I'm lost in you everywhere I run I could never be the same here Lost in you! Everywhere I run
I'm reaching helpless I descend
You're leading deeper through this maze
I'm not afraid
Everywhere I turn I'm finding something new
I'm lost in you something I can't fight
I cannot escape
I can spend my life lost in you! Lost in you!
I'm searching for you as you call
I'm bracing, chasing after you
I need you more
Everywhere I turn I'm finding something new
I'm lost in you something I can't fight
I cannot escape
I can spend my life lost in you!
Something that I could never arise
I could never look away
I lost myself in you!
It's all over now!
Lost in you! Everywhere I run!
Lost in you!
Lost in you!
Sigh. I've been through so much these past five years. How many times have I barely escaped death? Three, four times? I'm not even sure anymore. I think danger is attracted to me. I never really go out looking for it like Snape says I do. Who'd do that anyway? Oh no, danger finds me. You want proof? I'll give you proof! I was barley a year old when Voldemort killed my parents! Did I ask for that? Does it sound like I went looking for trouble? Well, no, it doesn't!
I don't even understand how it is that I'm still alive! Any other normal person would have died ages ago. Oh but not me. Not the Golden Boy. I think it was pure luck, and of course Dumbledore. God knows I'd be dead if it weren't for the old man. Why didn't he just let me die? Oh yeah, the Golden Boy issue. I almost forgot. Yeah, right. How can I forget if people won't stop saying it? Who came up with that stupid name anyway?
Sirius. I wish you were here right now. You'd know what to do. But you aren't here, are you? It's my own fault really. I should have known Voldemort would take advantage of the link between us. Stupid, stupid, stupid! How could I have fallen for that trick? I feel so guilty about that. Everyone keeps telling me how it's not my fault. Well, try and live in my head for a day and then tell me it's not my fault. Life was so much simpler before last year. I mean sure I had to escape death regularly, but I still believed things would work out all right. I still had a family; Sirius. Not anymore. I'm alone and it's choking me. Don't get me wrong or anything, I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just tired. Not to mention alone.
Where are Ron and Hermione you ask? You must not have heard then. They're together now, finally. I recon what happened at the ministry showed them how fragile life really is. So they're usually off somewhere snogging and stuff. They even do the whole baby talk thing, even at the Great Hall. Can you say ewww! Why don't they just get a room? Though I think they already have if you know what I mean. I sound pathetic, don't I? Well you would too if you were me. But you're not, so leave me alone!
That's what I am; alone. Plain and simple. My best friends are an item and the rest of the school treats me oddly. So what if I'm The Boy Who Lived? I'm still a person just like them. But I suppose it isn't their fault they see me as something more than I am. It's the Daily Profit and the rubbish it's been feeding people. The Golden Boy this, The Boy Who Lived that! All year round they're making stuff up. Last year I was a liar who just happened to be insane as well. Now I'm this glorified hero who can do anything. It's not true. Otherwise I'd have killed Voldemort by now.
I was never able to do what I really wanted to. And that's to have a normal life, or as normal a life I can have as a wizard. But I've always had a task to do. A purpose in life as Dumbledore puts it. I've been meeting with him regularly lately. And still throughout our meetings he never noticed how I felt. In all fairness to him he does have a lot on his mind, not to mention the old factor. I wouldn't call him senile though, no way. I'm sure he's never forgotten a single thing, except for one little detail. How a teenage boy should live his life.
I remember last year, while Umbridge was still here, everyone used to give me dirty looks. They used to talk about me behind my back too. And I really shouldn't forget the laughter. But now, the girls are always giggling around me, especially Ginny. What demented soul ever told her we'd be married one day, I don't know. She's my best friend's sister for heaven's sake! The boys at school all think I'm cool. They actually pay attention to what I say now. I'm the Golden Boy, the wizarding world's hero, and the Gryffindor Quiditch captain. Doesn't get better than that.
But after Sirius died a horrid pain settled in my heart. I couldn't shrug it off, try as I might. It's heart wrenching really. But one day at the start of this term, the pain was replaced with a different sort of pain. An exquisite sort of pain to replace the void Sirius had left. It was a week after term started and Ron and Hermione wanted some time alone. So I walked around Hogwarts like a man looking for something he lost. Maybe I did lose something, I just wasn't sure what. I was in the Entrance Hall and I looked towards the doors leading to the Great Hall. Draco Malfoy walked out after dinner and for a fleeting second our eyes made contact. My heart flipped uncomfortably and I knew the pain had changed.
I later found myself trying to find him all the time. I loved potions class. I still sucked at it, but at least I got to see him. I watched him in the Great Hall too. He'd sit there with the other Slytherins looking out of place. They were all vulgar and brutish, but he wasn't. He was delicate and sophisticated. He was a pure-blood. He was from an old and noble family that existed merely to serve Voldemort; my nemesis. I desperately wanted Draco to notice me, and not as the boy he needed to defeat, but as Harry. Get your head out of the clouds, Potter. That will never happen! I couldn't understand why I felt that way. I'm not even sure I wanted to feel all that. I was obsessing over Draco-bloody-Malfoy! But my heart twisted ever so sweetly every time I saw him. Even if for a second and no more than that.
I thought of what people might think if they knew their precious Golden Boy was gay. They would have a fit!
As it stands, I no longer care what people think. Don't give me that look! I really don't care! After last year my world came crashing down on me. I lost my faith in good and I lost all my idealism. Nothing is worth this much pain. Nothing, you hear me! If I disappear, would anyone notice? I've asked myself that question millions of times over. And I always come to the same conclusion; no one would. Sure they'd miss having their Golden Boy, but not Harry. So on a cool September night I decided to end it all. That's it, I've had it! If I can't get what I want, I'm not giving people what they want. It's time I got selfish and the world defended itself. Let the rest of the wizarding world deal with this. It's their world and I have no place in it!
I took my potions' silver cutting knife and my invisibility cloak and headed out after curfew. Ron was fast asleep in his bed like everyone else in our dorm. As for Hermione, she was asleep in the common room among a pile of books. Under other circumstances I would have thought poor girl. But with the way I was feeling I just thought of how stupid she was to waist her life away on education. We all die no mater how much we accomplish in life. I haven't accomplished anything. Except to stay alive in spite of Voldemort's uncountable attempts at killing me. But that wasn't my doing really. It was Dumbledore's, not to mention the countless people who helped.
I walked down the steps leading to the Entrance Hall and stopped at the landing. The Marauder's map told me that no one was around. Filch was somewhere on the third floor and his cat Mrs. Norris was prowling through the dungeons. I went on my way walking out the doors of the castle and ascending the steps. I wanted to sit by the lake as I contemplate my death. So that's exactly what I did. I arrived at the lake and sat down with a slight huff. I kept the cloak on just in case someone in the castle got the bright idea to look out the window.
I cast my eyes across the peaceful lake. The giant squid was fast asleep by then. I don't think I've ever seen it asleep before. The surface of the water was unbroken by ripples, which was unusual too. The moon was full. Lupin used to say that it brought out the worst in people, not just werewolves. I believed him then, after all, I was sitting there about to off myself. I took a deep breath and took the knife in my hand. I know what you're thinking; wouldn't a wand have been easier, less messy? Well, yes, but that isn't the point is it? Plus, with a knife there's no way I could mess this job up.
The knife handle was cold in my hand. The night air was only cool, not cold. It was as if the knife itself didn't want to help me end it. I looked at my hand, the one holding the knife; it was shaking. I honestly don't know why it was shaking; you'd think if I want this I wouldn't be afraid. I didn't think I was, but I recon my hand was trying to prove a point. And it did, so what if I was afraid? It was really sad and pathetic of me, but I'd never really lived. I've always done what was asked of me. Actually, I was never asked to do anything, worse, I was expected to. Like everyone else was allowed to live except for me! Well, not anymore! That was my last thought as I lifted my knife up and pointed it towards my heart.
And then he came along. The one who ended it all. I only just saw a glimmer of platinum at the corner of my eye and my hand halted. Oh why is he here? Can't a man die in peace anymore? My hand dropped to my lap as if I wasn't about to do anything important. And all my attention was focused on the blonde next to me. He looked so serious and morbid, in a way I've never seen before. He was walking to the lake near me. My heart gave one of those perfect leaps that hurt so much and it was all I could do not to gasp.
He sat under the same tree I was sitting at. I could just smell his sent in the air, something distinctly Draco. He sat there quietly a few feet from where I was. He looked at the lake and the moon reflected off of the calm surface on to his face. Draco's eyes were lit by the moon's glow. They showed silver in the dim night. Draco sighed and leaned back against the tree. It was obvious that he felt bad. I wanted to let him know I was there, but I wasn't sure that would make him feel any better. I was sure it would make whatever it was worse. And somehow I felt that watching him like that was an intrusion of his privacy.
And thus I decided to take my leave as quietly as I could under my cloak. But as I turned and walked around the tree to avoid Draco, I stumbled slightly and I caught my breath. I was desperately hoping he didn't hear me. But c'mon, knowing me and my luck of course he heard. His senses seemed to snap out of a trance and he spun around and stood up. He whirled around the tree to where I was on my ass and lunged forward, grabbing me by the collar, throwing my cloak off, and lifting me off of the ground. He was much stronger than I thought he was. I was suddenly a few inches away from his very angry face. My breath hitched and instead of being scared like any sane person would have been, I was glad he found me and I was very turned on. Even more so that he had me so close to his face. Snap out of it, Harry, this isn't good!
'Potter, what in Merlin's name are you doing here this time of night?' It was as if he was beginning to relax knowing it was me and not someone else. His hold on me loosened up and I was on my own two feet again.
I looked into his startling silver eyes and stuttered, 'I…I was just out fo-for a walk. That's all.'
He eyed me suspiciously. Then decided I had no reason to lie, so he straightened up and brushed some invisible dust off of his robe. Very hot! But that's when he noticed the knife in my hand. His senses were alert again and in a second my knife was in his hand.
'What are you doing with this, Potter? Not trying to do something stupid, are we now?' His voice had an odd tone to it, I just couldn't place it.
I looked away and said nothing. 'Harry, were you going to hurt yourself with this?'
He called me Harry. Since when does he do that? I looked at him and bit my lower lip trying hard to stop a cynical laugh from escaping them. In his eyes I could see two thing I've never seen in them before; compassion and fear. Fear for himself or for me, I didn't know. But I wanted to, so I didn't leave.
He took my wrists in his cold hands and asked with urgency, 'Harry, were you going to hurt yourself tonight?'
I was suddenly engulfed with anger and I pulled away shouting, 'Why should I answer that? You sure don't care! No one does anymore! So just leave me the fuck alone!'
And I started to walk away when he called back, 'But I do care!' His voice was sincere and honest, I could tell. And it stopped me in my tracks. I haven't heard someone say that and mean it in such a long time, and to hear it from him, I didn't know how to react. All I knew is that breathing was in no way as easy as it was a few minutes ago.
I turned back slowly and looked at Draco. Why does he care? I decided to ask him. I walked over to him and looked him in the eyes. I said, 'Why, Malfoy? Why do you care?'
He shrugged. 'I figure if I don't, who will?' That was true. Then he said in a voice barely audible, 'Plus, you're the only one I know who's more miserable than I am. With you gone I'll be the sorriest creature who ever lived.'
I gave him a quizzical look. He rolled his eyes. 'Well, I'm miserable because of the Dark Lord. You are the only one who can stop him. Without you I'm doomed to a life of servitude. Trust me; I'm not cut out for it. I order people around, I do not get ordered around myself. That's just wrong.'
I chuckled. That was pure Draco. He raised his eyebrows at me as I kept on laughing like a maniac. But soon he joined me and we both started laughing. After a while we found ourselves sitting next to each other under that same tree looking out at the lake.
'So, Harry, were you going to kill yourself?' he asked me again.
I sighed deeply and leaned back against the tree. 'Yes, I was.'
His head snapped and he looked at me with intensity in his eyes. He seemed dumbfounded. 'Why would you do that?'
I shrugged. 'I'm tired, Malfoy. Just so very tired. I want everything to be over.' I scoffed, 'but of course you don't get it, do you, Malfoy?'
'Draco,' he said softly. 'And I do get it. When your life isn't your own and you're told what to do. Or rather expected to do certain things. I do understand, Harry.'
His voice showed no trace of that haughty attitude I was so used to, and it left me uneasy. But I knew he was honest, and he wanted me to believe and listen to him. It was like he had so much pent up emotion he needed someone to talk to and someone who'd understand like I would. 'I guess you do get it then. Who'd have thought?'
He gave a short cynical laugh and leaned on the tree with me. 'You must hate me, Harry.'
I furrowed my eyebrows. 'Why would I hate you?'
Draco shrugged. 'After what I've done and how I've treated you and your friends, I'm surprised you're talking to me at all.' Then he looked at me, his face was sincere and devoid of any malice. I wasn't used to seeing Draco like that. 'I just want you to know that I never really meant it, Harry.'
I was genuinely puzzled. How could he not have meant it? All those years of sneering and back stabbing and he didn't mean it? I said nothing for the longest time. Then I leaned forward hugging my knees. 'Malfoy, why are you calling me Harry all of a sudden?'
He cocked an elegant eyebrow and gave me a look that clearly said I was stupid. 'That's your name, isn't it?'
'Well, yes, but-'
'No buts,' he cut me off. 'If you're the only one who understands me, and I'm the only one who understands you, then I figure we could use each other's first name.'
'Hum, that makes sense. Now can you give me my knife back please?'
He rolled his eyes at me. I still couldn't believe he was talking to me. 'You won't hurt yourself?'
'I won't.'
'Promise?' I almost melted at the way he said that.
'I promise.' He winked at me and gave me the knife.
We sat there all night talking. About what? Everything. I told him about my Muggle family and he told me about his horrible parents. But after that night we started to hang out a lot. Mostly after everyone was in bed. We'd go out and meet by the lake under our usual tree.
I learned a lot about him really. I learned that he really didn't want to work for Voldemort. It was his father's ambition for him. He felt forced and all he really wanted was a normal life. That's exactly what I want too. And he found that out. Apparently all those years he thought all I'd wanted was glory and money. I told him that I'd give all the money in the world if I thought it would get me off of Voldemort's hit list. He flinches every time I say that name. And every time my heart flips painfully. I'm not sure why it still did that. But I suppose it came with the fact that I love him. I can't believe I'm saying this, but God I love him.
We became friends. Sure we still argued, but it was friendly. He'd make fun of my Gryffindor attributes and I'd comment on his arrogance. But I grew to love his scathing sense of humor and his sarcasm. What's life without sarcasm anyway? I think I grew on Draco too. At least I think at some point he stopped hating me. I never noticed when that happened. The other thing I didn't notice was the fact that I was less angry. I no longer burst out shouting at my friends or at the professors. I smiled more too. But no one knew why. Draco and I kept our friendship to ourselves thinking that no one would understand. Which they wouldn't have.
One night Draco was late. I worried and my heart twisted thinking he might not come, but after an hour he showed up. And he looked paler than usual. He sat down next to me looking out of sorts and at a great discomfort. I looked him over suspiciously for a while until he decided to come clean with me. His father escaped from Azkaban. I hadn't heard that in the papers but it was true. And Draco was ordered to go see him every few days. And every time Draco came back with a new injury hidden underneath his clothes. I'd coax him into showing me so I could heal it or something. I'll admit, his father was good. You could never notice that Draco was hurt until he undressed.
The injuries started out small, a bruise here and a cut there, but it got worse in time. Draco never explained why his father did that, but I knew why. He sensed Draco's hesitance in serving Voldemort. I blamed myself for that. I'm the one who compromised Draco's mask. Otherwise he'd have been safe and unharmed. During Christmas break, most of the students left to be with their family. Hermione went to Paris with her parents and Ron went home with the bothersome Ginny. The Weasleys invited me over, but I told them that I needed to stay. And for some reason Dumbledore agreed with me. I think he knew I wanted to stay for Draco. Draco wasn't going home for break. It was more than enough visiting secretly every few days.
On Christmas Eve, I was walking around the empty halls on my own. Drake was home. His father was doing God knows what to him. I was beyond scared for him. The last few injuries were really bad that I needed to look some spells up in the library. I actually asked Madam Pince for help. That's how desperate I was. But as I was walking alone, I arrived at the Entrance Hall. That's when Draco showed up looking as tired as I've ever seen him. I hurried to him as my heart flipped the way it always did around him. I still hadn't told him how I felt. But his eyes looked tired and he looked at me with such desperation. I helped him walk and I took him to the Room of Requirements for the first time ever. He remembered it as the room I used for the DA last year.
I walked along the corridor three times and the door appeared. We walked into a small room with some poufs and beanbags. I helped him onto a beanbag and he moaned slightly. That somehow turned me on. Not now, Harry!
'Let me see. Where did he hurt you this time?' My voice sounded frantic to me. And for once Draco didn't argue and didn't need coaxing. He looked at me with defiant and angry eyes as he took his shirt off. What I saw almost made me cry.
His back was streaked with slashes that were clearly made by a whip. Angry red marks across his back and I wasn't sure how to help him. But instinct took over at that point and I found myself licking his wounds. He didn't stop me either. And in a few minutes his back was healed and perfectly unscathed. I didn't understand what happened, but at that point I didn't care. No longer in pain, his eyes looked as alive as always and he got what little color he had back. I leaned into him and kissed him softly on the lips. They were softer than I'd thought.
I realized what I was doing and pulled away startled. His eyes were wide and his mouth was open. But when I was kissing him he kissed me back! Either way I was embarrassed. So I sat up and looked away, blushing. But then his hand grabbed my throat and his lips crashed into mine painfully. He was kissing me forcefully and then he put me in a lying position and he straddled my hips. His tongue licked across my lips asking for entry and I opened my moth for him. His tongue slipped into my mouth and started to explore. But then I felt something else. Something much larger than a wand was pressing into my thigh. He broke away breathless and looked at me from above as he supported himself on his arms. I was breathing heavily too. He smiled at me and my heart did a back flip. He looked down and noticed a bulge in my pants that rivaled his own. I smiled at him. He bent down and nibbled on my lower lip then broke off looking around the room.
'Where's a bed when you need it?' he said with frustration. And suddenly a bed appeared a few feet away from us. He was startled and he gave me a questioning look.
'That's why it's called the Room of Requirements. You asked it for a bed and it gave it to you,' I said in a rather hoarse voice.
He looked troubled though. 'Harry, I'm sorry, I just assumed you wanted this too. I'm-'
I put a finger to his lips and shook my head. 'Don't apologize. I kissed you first.'
He frowned. 'Does this mean I can have you, Harry?'
I nodded. 'I'm yours.'
He smiled and brushed his lips against mine, teasingly. A second later I found myself hoisted into his arms and carried into bed. He laid me there gently and took my shoes off. His shoes soon joined mine on the floor. He shrugged his robe off and threw mine away too. I propped myself on my elbows and watched him discard his clothes. His tie went first, then his shirt, which I helped him with, and then his pants. All that was left were his boxers, and man did I want them off! But he decided to undress me first. He fiddled with my tie, trying to tease me as much as he could. I was dying to get out of my pants really; they were growing tighter by the minute. When he reached my pants he pushed me back roughly so that my head was resting on the pillow. He unbuttoned my pants and lifted my legs up so he could pull the pants off. And then my boxers were left too. He pulled them down exposing my throbbing erection.
I was moaning even before he started touching me. I looked at him and his eyes were clouded over with lust. He let me help him with his boxers and when they were gone I couldn't help but stare at his perfect nine inch cock. He chuckled at my blatant shock and he leaned in and kissed me again. His hands trailed down to my chest where they teased and twisted my nipples. I moaned into the kiss. Then his lips left mine and I grunted in frustration. He licked around my left nipple and then sucked it into his mouth as his fingers worked with the other. My head snapped back and shivers ran down my spine at what Draco was doing to me.
His lips parted my skin and he looked at me. 'Turn around.'
I looked at him. 'Huh?'
'Harry, turn around.'
I did as he asked me and turned around. He had me lie on my stomach and then I felt his breath near my neck. He kissed my neck and sucked on it a bit. And then his tongue licked a trail all the way from my neck down my back and to my ass. His tongue suddenly plunged into my entrance and I couldn't help but squirm. I was moaning and whimpering as he fucked me with his tongue. He swerved it around inside me and I tried to push myself down on his tongue. But his hands kept me steady. My eyes were rolling into the back of my head when he stopped. He held me for a while then he flipped me around.
He kissed me softly and then looked into my eyes. I looked back into his. I could clearly see how much he loved me. And I knew he saw how much I loved him too.
'Harry, are you sure about this?' he asked with concern in his voice.
'I've never been this sure about anything in my life. Draco,' I tugged on his hair and pulled him closer to my lips, 'just fuck me…'
He couldn't restrain himself anymore. He pulled away just long enough to grab the bottle of lube the room had provided us with and squirt some on his hands. He coated his cock with it, draped my legs on his shoulders, and thrust into me with one swift movement. It didn't hurt the way I expected it to. He slipped in easily as if I were made to fit him. He gave me a second to get used to the intrusion. His eyes were obviously asking for permission to move. He didn't want to hurt me, but I could tell he was barely stopping himself. So I nodded and he started to thrust in and out of me. I gasped at first, and then I simply moaned and whimpered as Draco fucked me.
I held on to his shoulders as tightly as I could. I needed to feel him inside me and in my arms just to make sure this was real. His hand reached down between us and wrapped around my shaft. He started stroking me in time with his thrusts. He hit my prostate and I moaned even louder. And then his movements became needier. He started to thrust harder and faster.
'Oh God, Draco…oh, harder…ha…Draco fuck me…'
I was shouting his name by then and after a few more strokes to my cock I came in his hand and on his chest, shouting his name as loudly as my lunges would allow. My muscles convulsed and contracted around his gorgeous cock and he bit down on my neck to stifle his scream as he came inside me. I felt him pour into me and his body shuddered in mine. He held me close for a long time, until he was coherent enough to talk.
'Merlin, Harry, you were amazing,' he whispered.
Unlike him, I still couldn't talk. He looked at me with worry written all over his face. I smiled reassuringly and he got the message. He held me as long as I needed him to. I finally whispered, 'You were even better. I never imagined it would be like this. I love you, Draco.'
'I love you too, Harry.'
My voice was still breaking so he shushed me and kissed me softly. I slept in his arms that night. And from then on we were inseparable. I wouldn't let him go to his father anymore. He's mine and no one will harm him. And let everyone talk and gasp as they see me walking around with my hand in Draco's. So what? It's my life, not theirs. Let them frown upon what I want and what makes me happy. I don't care anymore. The point is I should have died years ago, more times than I can count. Moreover, I should have ended it myself. But because of him, I'm still breathing.
A/N: Was that good? It's my first riming scene, so be gentle with me. Did you notice how much I dislike Ginny? This was probably too romantic compared to my other stuff. The song is Lost by Red. Now please review!