Just a little one-shot on my feelings recently, I guess. Broken into little pieces. My response to my own prompt (the emotions contest), as ObsidianThunder (ObsidianThunder and RubyStorm account) put it. I'm feeling rather frustrated recently, so that's why most things aren't being updated. Argh.

I was tempted to use myself as an OC in this (if any of you happen to have any actual OCs, I'd appreciate you sending some to me. Uh... details are somewhere on my profile) but I decided against it, and instead I'm writing through Demeter's POV.

[I've also incorporated some songs I'm using as therapy into this. Those songs are in italics and I'll list the songs and their bands at the end.]

And the texts were taken right off my phone, I just substituted Jellicle names in place of real ones.

I don't own Cats, and most likely never will. But I picture them as looking the way they do in the musical for this, as they'll have to do human things for it to make sense. xD

I think I'm drowning, asphyxiated. I wanna break the spell, you've created.

I watched them through green eyes. I don't think they knew I was there, she'd just kind of dropped everything else and cared for only him. Bombalurina, the only cat around here who I'd actually trusted, with him. The Rum Tum Tugger. The only tom I'd ever liked even just a little. Together.

I'd watched them hug, watched them laugh together. Flirt. It was too much. I walked away.

Breathing deep. Refraining from punching something, or someone.

Bombi didn't outwardly, like, mock me or anything. It's just like she didn't even breathe for herself anymore, she only breathed for him. They were always together, and when they weren't, she wouldn't stop talking about him. It wasn't the same Bombi anymore.

I was angry, frankly. Not just at those two, I'm not sure Bombalurina ever knew I had the slightest crush on him. I'm good at covering my feelings like that. I've had too much practice at it. And, of course, it's not like Bombi's the most observant queen either.

I scanned the Junkyard from my new place underneath the tree. Etcetera, Victoria, and Jemima were, predictably, together. Laughing, having too much fun with toms they claim not to like. With them, they could get into a huge blowout one day, and have one of them crying, but the next day they'll be fine again. I don't understand exactly how that works, but it's not like I care. We don't mix. There's Their World, and then there's mine. Those worlds are about as far apart as possible but still in the same galaxy.

My thoughts were interrupted by a small, "Hey." It was Sillabub.

I offered her a small smile. We weren't the best of friends, but we aren't as distant as myself and Victoria are, for example.

"Hey." I said back. I wasn't able to shut off the babble in my mind, but it wasn't like we had a lot to say to each other. We slipped into silence. It wasn't a tense, 'oh shit, is she going to attack me with her poisonous breath weapon?' silence, but an okay, comfortable one.

"Is something up?" She asked, not looking at me, but scanning the Junkyard as I was. This wasn't unnatural either, Sillabub wasn't a strange, stick-out kid like I was, but more of a quiet, thoughtful, dreamy one. She's been called 'Luna Lovegood' a couple times, and she takes it all in good humor.

"I guess. I just don't know what to think, who to trust anymore." I responded, not entirely surre where this conversation was going. Where is my mind?

She nods. "We've all been there at least once. Don't know who to talk to, where to turn. It gets better though, I think."

The day after that, I was at lessons for about two hours, but then had to go to a concert rehearsal for a festival later that night. I'd be missing a sporting event that was almost necessary for me to attend. The coach was going to try and reschedule the game, but it was ultimately up to the other team.

I, of course, didn't know the outcome of the decisions, as I'd be at the concert/rehearsals for a full twelve hours. Or, I wouldn't get home again for twelve hours.

About six-thirty PM, I pull my cell phone out of my bag, after assembling my flute. Since Cassandra as her phone on more often the Bombalurina does, I text her. Cassandra and I are okay friends, not as hateful as Etcetera and I are, but not as trusting as Bombalurina and I had been.

I type 'Did the game 4 2day get cancelled?' and send it without much thought.

A minute later, I get a strange response: 'No, i had a party for some of the players at my house and we roasted weinies..'

Instead of just typing in what the hell, like I want to, I text back. 'So the game's not cancelled? Shit. What're u guys gonna do?'

I get an answer almost immediately. 'I pitched. We did surprisingly better.' This phrasing kind of angered me, as I'm our team's only pitcher, since Cassandra hasn't taken a lesson on pitching in three years at the least. And the way it was phrased made it seem that with her has pitcher, the team was better off, even though if we're missing someone, we technically don't have all the players needed to fill all positions.

Getting slightly suspicious, I text back. 'I thought the game was at 7?' The game had, after all, been scheduled for 7. I'd asked her this at 6:29.

Again, I receive a strange response: 'No, we moved it forward we won and then we roasted weinies'. I didn't get that central point, or why the game would have been moved forward.

I continued the conversation anyway, even though I didn't particularly believe her. 'What was the final score?'

The answer comes: '7 to 1 and in the beginning Rumpleteazer hit a grand slam and the outfielders sucked and Exotica actually hit the ball far'. That answer was where I started to really believe she was lying to me. Exotica had a fear of the ball, and Rumpleteazer didn't really have that kind of power. Only Bombalurina and Electra did, really.

I respond anyway. 'Omfg, really? Tica?'

'Yepperz...they only hit like 2 and the one we got out but the other one went over the fence...it was the 3rd player...prfect strike i guess' By this point I was kind of angry at how she was pretty much bragging about her random awesome pitching skills, but I had to go tune and warm up. After doing so, I set my flute back down and returned to my phone. 'Hellooo?' She'd asked when I hadn't responded.

Feeling her first text deserved no answer, I just explained why I hadn't responded for a while. 'Sorry. Was doing warmups. Have to go to the concert soon.'

After I sent that, I had to leave, so I didn't receive the answer to that until I checked my phone after the concert.

But I got back eventually, and there was this response: 'Oh well theres something you should know. This is tugger im at cassies house, with bombi and cass...i took her phone.'

I really felt I should just swear and stop talking to them there, because I wasn't even sure if that was Tugger or not, but anger took over common sense. Acidicly I responded, 'I figured it wasn't the truth, but I didn't know it was u. Go make out with yer girlfriends now.'

Apparently "he" still had her phone, because the response was 'Uhhh cass is my cousin.. Nd im telling her u said that and her and bombi are gonna be poed.'

I didn't care who I pissed off by then, so I just texted back, 'Big whoop. Isn't it kinda creepy that u and Bombi are using Cassie's place to hook up?' Now, Cassandra and Tugger are neighbors, but Bombalurina lives on the other side of town, and neither of her parents approve of her dating the Rum Tum Tugger.

"He" (if it really was him) said back at 10:12 the next morning, 'We weren't hooking up..she invited bombi over and then i came ovr'.

I had been at soccer practice, but I got my phone during break and saw it about a half hour later. I text back then. 'So it's Tugger texting me again with her fone, four hours later? And I know Bombi slept over there? What were YOU guys doing all night?'

"He" defended himself. 'No, i didnt stay there, i came over the next day in the morning. And im still here'

I didn't see this until two hours after it was sent, but by then I was sick of the whole thing and just said, 'Yeah, whatever.'

And you're so hateful sometimes, I told myself, knowing I was really being a snotty bitch, but I was pissed, throwing punches at lies.

Somewhere inbetween these two days, Bombi posted to facebook that she was pissed off at boys. Tugger was on that post as well, and they were calling each other 'devil' and 'asshole', but it came out the whole thing was fake. For once, I found myself siding with Etcetera and Victoria in being pissed at them all. Where can I turn, 'cause I need something more. Surrounded by uncertainty, I'm so unsure. Explain to me, this conspiracy against me. And tell me how I lost my power.

I used to be the one no one dared to mess with, Bombalurina's best friend, standing up to the snotty, popular crowd. The one who knew people from other schools.

Over time, it seems I've turned into the face people don't recognize, the writing freak, the smart one, the one who's into all that theater that no one else cares about. I still have friends. I have whatever I can consider Bombalurina recently, but there's still Sillabub, and of course my "acting buddies".

I can't say I'm happier this way, but at least I know where people's loyalties lie now. People aren't always the way they towards you, but I like to believe I was never that ignorant.

People just aren't the face they put on. Maybe I'm not the best actor around. It seems some Jellicles put on a facade every day. But I never have the nerve to say what I want to to them. My opinions are always contained, unimportant. That changes now.

I'm not the same kid from you're memory, well now I can fend for myself.

[A/N]

Songs in order of appearance:

Time is Running Out - Muse
Where is My Mind - (Sucker Punch version) Yoav featuring Emily Browning (or, Baby Doll).
Throwing Punches - Hayley Williams and Paramore before it was officially Paramore. (A B-side)
Conspiracy - Paramore.
Ignorance - Paramore.

Am I just angsting? Or do I have a right to be pissed? I don't know much anymore.