I want so much to go in right now, but if I do they'd probably kick me out. I want my brothers to hold me and tell me it would be okay. But nothing will ever be okay.
I take in a deep shaky breath and turn the knob. I quickly take in the living room before they turn and see me. Darry is sitting in his usual chair, Johnny, two-bit, and Dally are sitting on the couch and I can hear Soda and Steve arm wrestling in the kitchen.
I quickly answer their questions but slip out before they could ask too many.
I can't tell them and I won't tell them. I don't care what happens they aren't going to find out. No matter how much they want to know.
I take a shower trying to get rid of the dirt, blood, and shame they left me with. I only feel a little better after I step out of the bathroom, They're all still here but I rush back to my room to go to bed.
I quickly change into new boxers, gray sweat pants and Darry's old blue t-shirt in our room; I put my dirty shirt in the hamper but stuff my jeans in the back of our closet. I tried to get the blood of my boxers but just ended up ripping them, so I put those in the bottom of the bathroom garbage.
What they did was low, I mean really low and I feel so humiliated that I let it happen to me. I supposed to be a greaser a tough, tuff greaser but now I feel like a pig, a dirty fifthly pig.
"… Pony!" Johnny's voice brought me back from my own world. I space out like that sometimes it's kinda relaxing that I can leave reality for a few minutes and go into my own world. The gang hates it. "Pony." Damn I did it again. I turn around and Johnny is standing more like leaning on the doorframe sporting a new purple bruise on his right cheekbone.
"H.. hey man." I say trying not to stutter too much. It doesn't really work. "Hey nothing, I was calling you for like three minutes, are you okay?" he softly asks voice full of concern. 'No I'm not okay, I was just raped by some drunken pervert socs and I'm scared out of mind. Please help me.' I want to tell him but I don't. I don't say anything I simply put my head down looking at my feet.
I feel and hear the floor creaking as he walks over to me. Now his dirty black Converse are in my view. "Pony what's going on." I feel my eyes water up I'm going to break down and tell if he doesn't leave now.
I sniff up my tears and look at him. Crap now he's really worried. "Nothing is goin' on I'm fine the socs just hurt me some." He tilts his head some to the right, he doesn't believe me. "I'm fine Johnny just tired." He reaches up to hold my shoulder and flinch back.
"See something is wrong with you. Tell me." He asks again. Johnny please just go I can't tell you will hate me and the gang will to. I can't deal with that. Please Johnny just go. "I'm fine." I say harsher then I meant to. He was taken aback by that I saw pain flash in his eyes.
"Sorry, I'm just worried about you. Sorry Ponyboy." He quickly turned onhis heels and left. Now I know I hurt him he never calls me Ponyboy. I didn't mean to hurt my best friend's feeling and hated that I did but if I want to keep this from the gang this is what I have to do.