AN: Whew. This was started at work the other day during some down time and was only meant to be like 500 words. Clearly, that is not the case. Inspired in part by an amazing Alec gifset over on Tumblr. Not beta'd because it's 2:30am and I've been trying to get this done and posted for days.
Everything is wrong.
Jocelyn Fairchild is finally awake but Alec can't find it in himself to be glad because Jace is gone, his parents hate him, Hodge betrayed them, and Valentine's got the cup and Alec just can't feel anything because he is just so tired.
Tired in a way that he never could have imagined, in a way that seeps past his skin and through his bones and infects his very soul.
It's almost impossible to reconcile the fact that less than 24 hours ago he was riding a high of adrenaline and wonder at having kissed Magnus in front of everyone. He was practically giddy with the relief of finally making a choice that was about him, knowing that even though his parents could barely look at him, he had Magnus in his arms and Izzy and Jace proud and supportive at his side. Now the world is falling to hell all around him and Jace is gone. His best friend, his parabatai, his brother is gone from his side and the utter feeling of wrong has been crushing the very breath from his lungs since the moment he'd grabbed Clary and watched the portal close before their eyes.
Alec doesn't remember when last he slept, doesn't know what to do to alleviate the aching emptiness that Jace has left behind, is too exhausted and wrung out and emotionally drained to even try.
People are already starting to look to him as if he has the answers, as if he is the one who's meant to have a plan of attack for stopping Valentine and retrieving Jace and the cup. His parents are still here and Lydia is still technically acting head of the institute, but despite the spectacle he made at his not-wedding, most of the Institute's members are still turning to him for leadership.
It's too much. Too much too soon and Alec wants to be strong for them, knows that he has a responsibility to his family and these people to guide them, but he just can't figure out how to do that when inside it feels like part of him is crumbling.
Alec doesn't even consciously make the decision to leave the others, just pushes off the wall where he's been observing the mother-daughter reunion and strides briskly from the room. His feet automatically guide him to his room but he doesn't quite make it.
"Alec!"
His heart sinks at the same time every muscle tenses in anticipation. He reluctantly turns to see his mother swiftly approaching him, a complex mixture of anger and hurt and disbelief and something that Alec doesn't have the capacity to decipher pulling her mouth into a hard thin line.
"What the hell happened out there?" she grits out. Alec thinks he catches a flash of Magnus' burgundy scarf but when he focuses over his mother's shoulder there's no one at the other end of the hall. "ALEC!"
Alec's attention jerks back to his mother, taking in the barely controlled fury in her expression. "I don't—We…" He takes a breath, trying to gather his thoughts and get this over with as quickly as possible. He can't show her any weakness. "We needed to get the book to wake Clary's mom. Jace tried to warn her but it was too late and Valentine ambushed us. He forced Jace's hand. There was nothing we could do to stop him."
Maryse's eyes darken and Alec stands purposefully straighter, trying to exude a calm he doesn't really feel.
"He ambushed you?" she seethes. "You and Isabelle with all your training and you just let him take you by surprise?!"
Alec grits his teeth and absolutely does not dwell on the fact that he was actually with Magnus at the time. No weakness he reminds himself . He's already disappointed her, and backing down now would only drop him further in her esteem.
"It's your fault Jace is with Valentine! I didn't think I'd raised my son to be so weak."
The words land like a physical blow, knocking the breath from his lungs so that he can't even protest as she spins around and storms off.
It's your fault.
The words ring shrill in his mind and everything is suddenly collapsing around him. Alec stumbles backwards, too stunned and appalled to even register as his back hits the wall. Because it is his fault, isn't it? If they hadn't been caught, if he'd done what he was supposed to and secured the perimeter, Jace wouldn't have had to choose between his family and his freedom. He'd all but forced his parabatai into Valentine's waiting arms.
The walls he's been trying to maintain come crashing down. Alec doesn't register moving, doesn't realize he's reached his room until he's stumbling through the doorway and crumpling to his knees at the foot of his bed. The dam is broken and all the despair and guilt and disgust are rushing forward in an unstoppable wave.
Maybe your best just isn't good enough.
At the time Alec had wanted to deny Jace, to argue that it wasn't his fault that no one seemed to want to accept his protection, always turned and went behind his back to do their own thing. But now he realizes that it would've just been an excuse, a way to lie to himself. Because he isn't good enough, can never seem to get anything right even when the fates of the people important to him hang in the balance.
Weak, pathetic, disgrace.
All accusations he's heard before and even thought himself. He has let down so many people so many times and there is no way that he can hide from that truth, no balm to soothe the agony of that incompetence.
His breath is coming in shallow ragged gasps, tremors wracking his frame as he stares blindly forward, fingers clenching and unclenching in spasms where they rest in his lap.
My fault, my fault, myfaultmineminemine
How is he meant to protect or lead anyone when he has failed his own parabatai so spectacularly?
Some tiny part of him realizes that he's panicking, coming apart at the seams. But that thought only makes things worse because Jace is the one who would normally hold him together and pull him back from the edge. Izzy's always done her best to keep him from spiraling, but it's Jace who always knows when Alec is falling too far into himself, who knows exactly what to say to bring him back out of it. But Jace isn't here and that's on Alec.
There's a roaring in his ears, a storm of insecurity and self-hatred that is drowning out all but the self-flagellating thoughts looping in his mind. He's exhausted and disgusted and he can feel the bile rising in his throat, darkness creeping at the very edges of his vision as he hyperventilates and—
"Alexander, snap out of it. Alexander!"
Alec distantly registers that there are hands on his shoulders shaking him slightly. The voice is like a distant echo, lost in the cacophony of his tortured thoughts. Go away he wants to tell them. Go or I'll end up failing you too.
Just the thought forces a strangled hiccuping sob from his throat. It's a raw sound that scrapes along his vocal chords and he squeezes his unseeing eyes tightly shut as the pressure in his chest increases.
"Alexander, please. It's just me, Magnus."
Magnus? For a moment, it seems like he can breathe again. The hands have left his shoulders, one arm wrapped lightly around his waist while the other hand rubs gentle circles over his back. But as it sinks in that the the one trying to comfort him is Magnus, all Alec can think of is the talk they had earlier and the knowledge that he's only going to hurt him too. His heart starts to race again, skin clammy and breathing irregular.
"Alexander?"
I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. SorryI'msorry…
"Shhh. You have nothing to apologize for," Magnus breathes. Alec hadn't even realized he was speaking aloud. "Hush, my darling. Just breathe with me. Breathe."
Alec tries, focuses in on the soft huff of breath on the back of his neck as Magnus leans in.
In, out-two-three. In, out-two-three.
They sit there for what feels like an age, Alec slumped on the floor of his bedroom. Magnus is curled around him, as if shielding him from the world, hand continuing its soothing pattern on his back. As his breathing finally slows to something resembling normal and the encroaching blackness recedes, Alec realizes that Magnus is humming quietly in his ear, a wistful lilting little melody.
It's sad but beautiful, and Alec lets the sound wash over him. Bit by bit, his trembling stops and his muscles relax, exhaustion sweeping over him as the tangle of emotions from the last day settle into a low buzz instead of a clamor.
"You with me now?" Magnus asks carefully.
Alec nods slightly, too drained to do more. He hears Magnus sigh, cool air sending a shiver down his spine as the warlock releases his waist and carefully moves so that he's kneeling in front of Alec instead. He can't meet Magnus' gaze, is afraid of the pity or disappointment he'll see there. Magnus won't allow avoidance though and he hesitantly cups Alec's jaw, thumb brushing away tears he hadn't known were falling and lifting Alec's downcast eyes to meet his own.
Alec sucks in a surprised little gasp. Magnus is looking at him with such concern, gaze warm and open and the very opposite of what Alec expects. There are so many different things swirling in their depths, but Alec can clearly read the message in them. Lean on me.
"Magnus, I—" He doesn't know how to voice everything he's been holding in, can't fathom how to communicate how utterly helpless and insignificant he feels. Another tear slips down his cheek. "I can't—I don't know…"
Magnus' expression softens even further. "It's alright, Alec. None of this is your fault, do you hear me?" He cuts off Alec's immediate protest with a finger on his lips, head shaking and eyes begging to be believed. "Maryse was wrong in every way. You are not to blame for other people's choices. It was not. your. fault."
"I could have done more," Alec whispers, voice rough with emotion. "I'm supposed to protect them and I failed."
Magnus shakes his head but remains silent. Instead he stands, pulling Alec up and nudging him towards the bed. Alec acquiesces, too tired to put up much of a fight as Magnus pushes him to sit on the side of the bed. Magnus tuts under his breath a quick flick of his fingers removing Alec's boots and changing him into one of his soft gray t-shirts and a pair of black sweats. Alec blushes but he's grateful nonetheless, his body already growing leaden with fatigue.
"Thanks," he murmurs, and Magnus responds with a small smile.
For a moment, they're caught in an awkward little limbo. Even in his wrecked state, Alec can see the uncertainty in Magnus' face. He can see that Magnus wants to reach out and do more to help but doesn't want to overstep. Alec's chest tightens but this time it is with a sudden swell of affection.
Magnus is a centuries old warlock who could be anywhere and have anyone. Yet here he is, surrounded by people who scorn and belittle him, helping to fight Valentine. Here he is in Alec's room helping him and comforting him, keeping him from tumbling into the abyss. Alec's siblings have always cared for him where they could and stuck by him, but he almost never lets them in this far. He doesn't want to burden them.
But Magnus…Magnus is different.
Alec makes a choice, pulling himself fully on the bed before holding out a hand to Magnus in silent offering.
Dark eyes widen in surprise. Alec can't help but smile shyly. Magnus magics himself into something slightly more comfortable before hesitantly stepping forward.
"Alec…"
"Please?" Alec pleads softly. "I just…stay, please?"
After a moment of consideration, Magnus nods.
It takes a bit of shuffling to get comfortable. Alec hasn't shared his bed with anyone since Izzy was little and coming to him for comfort after a nightmare. He's surprised to find that he isn't apprehensive about this, isn't second guessing or wondering about consequences. He wants this, wants to bask in the comfort Magnus is offering.
They finally settle with Magnus on the outside edge, propped slightly on a couple pillows. Alec is more than happy to lay along his side, arm wrapped around Magnus' waist, face hidden against his silk-clad shoulder. Magnus' hand comes up to card gently through Alec's hair and he presses a brief kiss to his forehead, eliciting a small sigh from the shadowhunter.
"I want you to listen to me, Alec," Magnus says seriously. "You are not at fault. I have never met someone as fiercely loyal and loving as you are. If there was anything more that could have been done, I know you would have done it."
Alec stays silent, shifting slightly so that his ear is resting over the steady beat of Magnus' heart. The rhythm soothes his own heartache and assures him that Magnus isn't just saying this for his benefit, but that he actually believes it.
"You do not need to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, Alexander," Magnus continues. "I know that you feel responsible for all the others, but no one can be strong all the time. If I've learned anything over the centuries, it's that sometimes being strong means knowing when to lean on others."
And he wants to. By the Angel does he want to. But Alec has always been afraid of allowing himself to show any kind of weakness. Always struggling to please his parents and protect his siblings, he's never had anyone he's truly felt comfortable with showing vulnerability. But isn't that what this is now? Here in his room, in the warmth of Magnus' arms, he is utterly vulnerable. Here he is at his weakest.
The thought doesn't frighten him like it should.
Alec pulls back from Magnus' embrace so that he can meet the warlock's gaze.
"I trust you," he says, and his voice is the steadiest it's ever been. This time it's Alec who reaches out, brushing the hair from Magnus' face and letting his knuckles trace the line of his jaw. Magnus releases a trembling sigh, eyes flickering briefly to gold then back to brown, all the while shining with adoration.
"You don't know what it means to me, hearing you say that," Magnus replies. His smile is radiant and Alec can't help but lean forward to kiss him.
The kiss is gentle and unhurried, an expression of gratefulness and mutual reassurance. Alec realizes they both need this, need the confirmation that in all the chaos that seems to be sweeping them up, there is someone willing to stand by and offer a respite from responsibility and expectation. In each others arms they can find shelter from the world and take a deep breath.
They part slowly, foreheads leaning together as they steal light kisses and their noses brush. It's an incredibly intimate moment and Alec wishes they could go on like this indefinitely.
The last forty-eight hours are finally taking their toll though, and Alec can't keep his eyes from drooping shut. Magnus huffs a small laugh.
"Get some sleep, Alexander," he says, shifting so that he's lying down and Alec can lay his head on Magnus' chest.
Despite everything, Alec has never felt more at peace than he is now.
"Thank you, Magnus," he whispers, placing a light kiss to the exposed skin of Magnus' collarbone. Here with Magnus he knows that he doesn't have to be strong, knows that he can allow himself to be vulnerable and that Magnus won't take advantage. It means the world to him. "Just…thank you."
He can hear the tenderness in Magnus' voice when he answers, "You are very welcome, Alexander. You're not alone in this. We'll find a way to make things right."
And Alec believes him.