The Immaculate Diary of Legolas Greenleaf
And
The Impeccable Journal of Thranduil Elvenking
The Smaug Years
Legolas. 26th August 2941 TA
Got up. Brushed hair 113 strokes. Target practice: 1628 perfect bullseyes, standing on one leg with my eyes closed. Did a little hop on the last one, just for variety.
Tried to prank Father today by telling him there was a spider in the bath. It didn't go well.
Thranduil. 15th September 2941 TA
Got up. Brushed hair 214 strokes. Must get roots touched up before I go onto the autumn crown. Legolas still thinks I'm a natural blonde. When Mordor freezes over! Little glass of rosé after breakfast.
Note to son: This does not mean I have a drink problem. So you can stop leaving those self-help books lying around everywhere.
Smoke coming from the mountain today. Bad memories.
Legolas. 10th October
Got up, blah, blah. Target practice interrupted by Tauriel and other girl-Elves singing and dancing in preparation for the autumn feast. Kept appearing and disappearing among the trees and then giggling. Suspect Tauriel of trying to distract me on purpose. Think she fancies me. I am very attractive.
But then, who isn't? Apart from Dwarves.
Thranduil. 19th October
Dwarves! Horrid, hairy little Dwarves, invading my kingdom and molesting my people. How can I concentrate on maximising my fabulousness with things like this going on?
Leader is some repulsive creature called Thorin; looks like a badger died on his face. Had the cheek to accuse me of starving him. I've a good mind to stuff him full of woodchip and use him as a scrubbing brush! Had them all taken to the cells.
Couple of glasses of Merlot to calm my nerves. I would hardly call that drinking. Not even enough to make my fingertips tingle.
Legolas. 19th October
Thought Father would be more impressed by my pursuit and capture of the Dwarves I found trespassing on our land. Some sort of medal, perhaps. Or at least a new bow. All he said was, "It'll take centuries to get the smell out of the carpet."
Caught Tauriel talking to a Dwarf. Perhaps she's sickening for something? Personally, I can't even tell which is the front of their heads and which is the back.
Thranduil. 6th November
I am going to kill my butler. Very slowly and painfully. Can't decide whether I'm more annoyed at him for letting the Dwarves escape or for drinking my best wine. Have another glass to help me think...
Legolas. 7th November
Barrel-riding. While shooting orcs. How cool is that? Think I might write a manual.
Caught Tauriel actually trying to help a Dwarf this time. I hope it's not contagious. The day I make friends with a Dwarf is the day I eat my own bow.
Thranduil. 26th November
So, the dragon's dead. Might finally get back those white gems that went missing 200 years ago. Still no word of the Dwarves or my hipster son. Making a little model of Thorin and sticking pins in it.
Legolas. 30th November
Things looking bad. Orcs everywhere. Tauriel muttering Kili in her sleep. Wonder if a nice bit of lembas would help?
Thranduil. 1st December
Arrived in Esgaroth to cheer the Lake-men's impoverished state with a touch of my glamourous charity. Some hobbit turned up and handed me the Arkenstone of Thrain. Talk about being out-blinged!
Stupidly gave all spare wine to Bard the Bowman. Asked Gandalf if he had a spare drop of Chardonnay on him, but he only had pipe-weed. Stuck another pin in Thorin. Carpet-faced megalomaniac! It's all his fault.
And where's my bloody son?!
Legolas. 3rd December
Tauriel in love with Kili! Saw her kiss his dying face, and a little bit of sick came out. I'd rather kiss a Cave Troll! Really got to get out of here for a bit. Where's Dad?
Thranduil. 3rd December
Thorin is dead. Hastily burning doll and pins before Gandalf sees. What he doesn't know...
Serious battle against orcs and wargs. Ended up fighting with the Dwarves. (I so did not see that coming!) Son turned up when it was all over, as usual, babbling some nonsense about Dwarf-fanciers and wanting to travel. Told him he can go and see the Dúnedain if he's good. No more playing with Wood-elves.
Back in bling again, thanks to the hobbit. Might get my highlights done before the big party in Mirkwood. Ordered 300 barrels of red. Will that be enough?
Thranduil. 5th December
Found a note this morning, pinned to the antlers of my throne.
Dear Dad, off on an orc-hunting trip. Back summer. Please read the enclosed leaflet: Galadriel's Guide to Overcoming Addiction...