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Always

By Gaerdir

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"And thus I clothe my naked villainy

With odd old end stol'n out of holy writ

And seem a saint, when most I play the devil."

- William Shakespeare

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Severus Snape was an enigma.

He was a man full of contradictions. His life was full of lies, but he existed for only one truth.

He dealed in secrets, but was one of the most honorable and trustworthy men alive.

But in truth, we know nothing about the man himself.

"I don't expect you will really understand the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes, the delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses ... I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death - if you aren't as big a bunch of dunderheads as I usually have to teach."

"Hang on..." Harry muttered to Ron. "There's an empty chair at the staff table... Where's Snape?"

"Maybe he's ill!" said Ron hopefully.

"Maybe he's left," said Harry, 'because he missed out on the Defense Against the Dark Arts job again!"

"Or he might have been sacked!" said Ron enthusiastically. "I mean, everyone hates him -"

"Or maybe," said a very cold voice right behind them, "he's waiting to hear why you two didn't arrive on the school train."

Harry spun around. There, his black robes rippling in a cold breeze, stood Severus Snape. He was a thin man with sallow skin, a hooked nose and greasy, shoulder-length black hair, and at this moment, he was smiling in a way that told Harry he and Ron were in very deep trouble.

"That is the second time you have spoken out of turn, Miss Granger," said Snape coolly. "Five more points from Gryffindor for being an insufferable know-it-all."

XXX

"What would your head have been doing in Hogsmeade, Potter?" said Snape softly. "Your head is not allowed in Hogsmeade. No part of your body has permission to be in Hogsmeade."

XXX

"Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business."

"Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git."

"Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor."

"Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball."

"You might be laboring under the delusion that the entire wizarding world is impressed with you," Snape went on, so quietly that no one else could hear him, "but I don't care how many times your picture appears in the papers. To me, Potter, you are nothing but a nasty little boy who considers rules to be beneath him."

XXX

"Severus," said Dumbledore, turning to Snape, "You know what I must ask you to do. If you are ready... if you are prepared..."

"I am," said Snape. He looked slightly paler than usual, and his cold, black eyes glittered strangely.

"It is true, however, that those who have mastered Legilimency are able, under certain conditions, to delve into the minds of their victims and to interpret their findings correctly. The Dark Lord, for instance, almost always knows when somebody is lying to him. Only those skilled at Occlumency are able to shut down those feelings and memories that contradict the lie, and to utter falsehoods in his presence without detection."

XXX

"Shut up, Ron," said Hermione angrily. "How many times have you suspected Snape, and when have you ever been right? Dumbledore trusts him, he works for the Order… that ought to be enough."

"He used to be a Death Eater," said Ron stubbornly. "And we've never seen proof that he really swapped sides."

"Dumbledore trusts him," Hermione repeated. "And if we can't trust Dumbledore, we can't trust anyone."

XXX

LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Lily shouted. She had her own wand out now. James and Sirius eyed it warily.

"Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you," said James earnestly.

"Take the curse off him, then!"

James sighed deeply, then turned to Snape and muttered the countercurse.

"There you go," he said, as Snape struggled to his feet again, "You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus –"

"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!

"Before I answer you, I say, let me ask a question in turn. Do you really think that the Dark Lord has not asked me each and every one of those questions? And do you really think that, had I not been able to give satisfactory answers, I would be sitting here talking to you?"

XXX

"The Dark Arts," said Snape, "are many, varied, ever-changing, and eternal. Fighting them is like fighting a many-headed monster, which, each time a neck is severed, sprouts a head even fiercer and cleverer than before. You are fighting that which is unfixed, mutating, and indestructible."

XXX

"Do you remember me telling you we are practicing nonverbal spells, Potter?"

"Yes," Harry said stiffly.

"Yes, sir."

"There's no need to call me 'sir', Professor." The words had escaped him before he knew what he was saying. Several people gasped, including Hermione. Behind Snape, however, Ron, Dean, and Seamus grinned appreciatively.

"Do you know what I think, Potter?" said Snape, very quietly. "I think that you are a liar and a cheat and that you deserve detention with me every Saturday until the end of term. What do you think, Potter?"

XXX

"He's a double-agent, you stupid old man, he isn't working for you, you just think he is!"

"We must agree to differ on that, Draco. It so happens that I trust Professor Snape."

XXX

Snape gazed for a moment at Dumbledore, and there was revulsion and hatred etched in the harsh lines of his face.

"Severus... please..."

Snape raised his wand and pointed it directly at Dumbledore. "Avada Kedavra!"

XXX

Kill me then," panted Harry, who felt no fear at all, but only rage and contempt. "Kill me like you killed him, you coward –"

"DON'T –" screamed Snape, and his face was suddenly demented, inhuman, as though he was in as much pain as the yelping, howling dog stuck in the burning house behind them, " – CALL ME COWARD!"

"Look...at...me..." he whispered.

The green eyes found the black, but after a second, something in the depths of the dark pair seemed to vanish, leaving them fixed, bland, and empty. The hand holding Harry thudded to the floor, and Snape moved no more.

XXX

"The boy survives," said Dumbledore.

With a tiny jerk of his head, Snape seemed to flick off an irksome fly.

"Her son lives. He has her eyes, precisely her eyes. You remember the shape and color of Lily Evans's eyes, I am sure?"

"DON'T!" bellowed Snape. "Gone… Dead…"

"Is this remorse, Severus?"

"I wish… I wish I were dead…"

"And what use would that be to anyone?" said Dumbledore coldly. "If you loved Lily Evans, if you truly loved her, then your way forward is clear."

Snape seemed to peer through a haze of pain, and Dumbledore's words seemed to take a long time to reach him.

"What – what do you mean?"

"You know how and why she died. Make sure it was not in vain. Help me protect Lily's son."

"He does not need protection. The Dark Lord is gone –"

"– The Dark Lord will return, and Harry Potter will be in terrible danger when he does."

There was a long pause, and slowly Snape regained control of himself, mastered his own breathing. At last he said, "Very well. Very well. But never – never tell, Dumbledore! This must be between us! Swear it! I cannot bear… especially Potter's son… I want your word!"

"My word, Severus, that I shall never reveal the best of you?" Dumbledore sighed looking down into Snape's ferocious, anguished face. "If you insist…"

XXX

"So the boy... the boy must die?" asked Snape, quite calmly.

"And Voldemort himself must do it, Severus. That is essential."

Another long silence. Then Snape said, "I thought… all these years… that we were protecting him for her. For Lily."

"We have protected him because it has been essential to teach him, to raise him, to let him try his strength," said Dumbledore, his eyes still shut. "Meanwhile, the connection between them grows ever stronger, a parasitic growth: sometimes I have thought he suspects it himself. If I know him, he will have arranged matters so that when he does set out to meet his death, it will, truly, mean the end of Voldemort."

Dumbledore opened his eyes. Snape looked horrified.

"You have kept him alive so that he can die at the right moment?"

"Don't be shocked, Severus. How many men and women have you watched die?"

"Lately, only those whom I could not save," said Snape. He stood up. "You have used me."

"Meaning?"

"I have spied for you, and lied for you, put myself in mortal danger for you. Everything was supposed to be to keep Lily Potter's son safe. Now you tell me you have been raising him like a pig for slaughter –"

"But this is touching, Severus," said Dumbledore seriously. "Have you grown to care for the boy, after all?"

"For him?" shouted Snape. "Expecto Patronum!"

From the tip of his wand burst the silver doe: she landed on the office floor, bounded once across the office and soared out of the window. Dumbledore watched her fly away, and as her silvery glow faded he turned back to Snape and his eyes were full of tears.

"After all this time?"

"Always."

Snape was regarded as the lowest of the low when he killed Albus Dumbledore that fateful night, and made his great escape. We have seen glimpses of his memories and life, felt his pain, laughed at his wit, shrunk from his rage, were awed at his words, and shuddered at his trials.

He was the killer of Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, yet he was his man through and through.

He was a spy of the greatest caliber, but for a cause that only the most loyal would pursue.

We know why he did what he did.

But knowing only raises more questions.

Do we know him, the person?

Just who is Severus Tobias Snape?