It's high time that I brought this back out to the viewing public, but first, I must ask a general question…

WHO THE FUCK REPORTED ME? Whoever you are, ask me politely to my face to edit my non-fic so that it qualifies as a fic before you ERASE ALL MY HARD WORK, and the reviews of my lovely readers.

Warning: For my sailor mouth. It's gotten better since we last gathered, but I'm going to "loosen my belt," so to speak. Just for today.

Word Count: Bah, who gives a shit?

~A Guide to Plausible Original Characters~

Junk. Junk. Useless crap. Junk. Junk. Oh, this one's mine. Junk. Junk. What the hell?

Peter shifted in his desk chair within the study, and gazed at the envelope in his hands. It bore no royal seal, nor did it address the Kings and Queens of Narnia specifically. But in small, slightly faded writing, on the back of the envelope was written, "To be sent by the Kings and Queens of Narnia to their 'authors.'"

"What do you have there?" Peter jumped in surprise, but at once he turned to glare at his brother.

"Ed, how many times have I told you not to do that?" he asked sharply. Instead of answering him, however, Edmund hovered over the High King's shoulder to peer at the object in his hands.

"It looks like a letter," said Edmund.

"So?"

"Well, aren't you going to open it?"

"It's not addressed to us specifically." Edmund took the envelope from Peter's hands to inspect it, and scrutinized the small note on the back.

"Technically, it is addressed to us, but who are our 'authors?'" Edmund asked. At once Peter was reminded of a dark, secluded section of Cair Paravel's library, which suspiciously always smelled of sweet perfume. There were sparkles on the floor where the shelves stood. He had only drawn near it once, after he thought he heard echoes of high pitched, obnoxiously trilling laughter coming from the section. Curious, he had picked up a book with an oddly green cover. Emerald green, he would say.

After being forced to read the entire novel by inexplicable means, he replaced the book at once and vowed never to return to that section of the library. But with the reading of that book, came the knowledge that they weren't alone here in the world of Narnia, or even in the Old World of Spare 'Oom. There were other worlds filled with magic, great battles, and other evils…but one evil surpassed them all, an evil that resided in world likened to Spare 'Oom, but was somehow…outside of that world…it was difficult to explain, just as it was difficult for him to understand, at first.

"Erm, don't fret, I'll take care of it. But it would be nice to know what it is," Peter admitted.

"Well, then let's read it," Edmund suggested.

"Read what?" asked Susan, who walked into the royal study carrying a stack of papers. Lucy also followed inside, her own bundle of parchments in hand.

"This letter we received from Aslan knows where, but we have to send it…somewhere. Pete?" Edmund turned to his brother for explanation.

"Well, I know of a place. It is unlike Narnia, but is somewhat like Spare 'Oom, in many ways, just older, more modern…it is where an evil resides…an evil that does not sleep." Peter paused to regard his siblings, who gazed back at him with wary faces.

"What evil is this?" asked Lucy.

"It is called…a Mary-Sue, and their creators…Suethors."

The High King took one more glance at the envelope in his hands, before sliding his thumb under the top flap, beginning to open it.

Dear Chronicles of Narnia Authors and Suethors Alike,

HELLO, MY YOUNG COMPATRIOTS. Miss me? Probably not, for those who were offended by my previous…what can we call it? Story? No. Rant? Somewhat, but not quite. Ah, I've got it. How about a guide? Hmm, I don't know if I like it, but it's in the title…anywho.

As you might have guessed, I have some more "complaints" that somewhat tag along with my previous guide, and delve deeper into the psychological phenomenon that is the Mary-Sue. It starts with how an author creates a character, and the diversity of thereof.

How does one begin to develop a character? Well, first you must know that this is not the mentality that most suethors of the Chronicles of Narnia fandom have whence generating a character of their own imagination (or OC, for short). Oh, ho, they might tell themselves that, but truly what they're thinking is one of three things:

-"How can I create an OC that has all of my best attributes, but still have quirks that can pass off as flaws as to not seem sueish?"

-"How can I fit an OC into the storyline that's both plausible and realistic?" This goal in particular might not seem so condemning, but I'll get to it, trust me.

-"How can I make my Peter (or Edmund or Caspian) X Original Character fantasy come to life?"

All of these begin the downfall of a fanfic, and I shall tell you why:

The first is a matter of both pride and denial. If you go in thinking you can self-insert yourself into your stories, you're going to get caught in the flames of real writers who give a flying rat's ass enough to leave a parting gift: a stinging review that tells you exactly what they're seeing, AKA—a pile of shit. I should know, I've been on both ends of the totem pole.

You can't fake flaws. If you do, it's so glaringly obvious that it ruins the read. How do you know they're fake, one may ask? Well, it could go a little something like this:

"When Aslan called my name along with the Pevensies, I was so shocked that I couldn't look Him in the eyes. I was unworthy, being that I wasn't part of the prophecy. I shouldn't be here at all, I should be at home with my abusive father and alcoholic mother while I take care of my two younger brothers and do what I've always known: be their personal throw-rug and take the brunt of all their problems, blah, blah, blah—" ENOUGH.

It's really pathetic how little I'm exaggerating. Fics will actually go this way, with "authors" making up sob stories to be credited with flaws. These function to either: a) make the OC seem more realistic, or b) create drama. In reality, they only success in birthing a kind of Mary-sue—the Attention-Hog Sue (yes, I made that up). These tend to suck up all the focus of the story, taking them from the Pevensies, Aslan, or any other semi-significant characters. Attention-Hog Sues are also the type of Sues that steal the lines of other characters, and most Sues copy straight from the movie (as I begrudgingly admit, I've done in the past).

The second point, however, is a bit tricky. To be plausible and realistic is essentially the preferred goal, yes? The problem lies in "fitting an OC into the storyline." This is where people fuck up, myself included. Now, I've touched upon this in the past, but I'll just have to reiterate the point.

Time travel Sues do NOT work – So that includes the girl who mysteriously drops into Narnia/or 1940s Britain after falling into a ditch in the year 2012, AKA: present-time America/Britain/Australia/whatever.

Nor does the "childhood friend" work – And this also accounts for the daughters of close-personal friends of the Pevensies. I've seen this written decently in the past, but you'll have to be extremely creative and otherwise original in your approach to make it a worthwhile read.

So, if you're trying to write an OC, don't focus on "fitting them in," focus on "blending them in." It's a more subtle concept that could help. Before you start writing out all the romance, or "fluffy" scenes (gag me), work on the mountain-sized hurtle that is the scene where Pevensies meet OC, and the circumstances of thereof.

Sue authors in particular don't seem to realize how crucial this scene truly is, as it not only introduces your OC for the first time, but also lets readers (critics and waiting flamers) know upon first impression if your OC is, in fact, a Mary-sue. In a sense, you could be fucked from chapter one, as most Suethors bring in their self-replicas from the first scene.

Now we all know the third option is never right, and never works. That's how I tried the first time, and it failed like a nutter butter (mutter fucker). As long as you remember that, you need no other instruction. If you ever find yourself heading in that direction of thought, STOP, IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS FUCKED UP, STOP. Or in the name of love, if you prefer.

We've covered the three main thought processes you want to avoid while creating an OC, so let's go into the short guide I made for you all that you can test your character against. It functions similarly to a litmus test, but with more of my sardonic commentary. Don't cry.

DOES/IS YOUR ORIGINAL CHARACTER:

…Have a perfect body shape/figure/appearance etc. or one you wish you had?

If they do, then you're inserting an inner fantasy of yours, and we all agreed a couple minutes ago that the idea is WRONG. DON'T FUCK WITH IT. If you make your OC flawless in appearance and so attractive that all the guys (including male enemies) cannot resist her temptation, but she calls her beauty a "curse", I will laugh my fucking ass off as sane people flame your story.

…Have "raven" hair, "golden, shining locks," "emerald/azure/amber/crimson/obsidian/crystal/any-other-adjective-for-eyes-using-precious-stones/ocean blue/green, pools/orbs?"

Then you, my friend, have a problem with prose. It's an exaggeration of something that can be as simple as: green eyes, black hair. And NEVER EVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER EVER, describe eyes as "pools" or "orbs" or other such rubbish. Ever.

…Have virtually EVERYTHING going wrong in their life until she meets the Pevensies and/or drops into Narnia?

This includes: family member(s)/close friends who are alcoholics, junkies, addicts of any kind, abusers of any kind (of the OC); the OC herself does any or all of those things, tries to harm herself, tries to commit suicide, HAS no parents/friends, has amnesia, etc. All of these have been used up past their quota in the fandom, and are now off-limits to CON authors, unless they are written so excellently that it bears no warrant for criticism. (Highly unlikely)

…Named after you, or has your nickname?

Self-insert. WRONG. Moving on.

…Have a name of unusual spelling, has more than one name in the first name (i.e. Carol Marie, Jessica Rose, Mary-Kate & Ashley, etc.), or has an uncommonly used adjective for a name (i.e. Rose Bud, Petal, Stem, Apple Martini, etc.)?

This annoys the hell out of me, simply because it's EVERYWHERE for no reason. Pick ONE name, appropriate to the ERA OF TIME in which the OC lives. If the story takes place in 1940s England, don't pick fucking Ashley Rose or Taylor or Amanda when names like Judith and Betty and Margaret are still in style.

…Wealthy without having to work at it, and is not spoiled one bit?

This is just plain annoying, just because it isn't probable, especially if the OC is self-acclaimed as "humble" and "doesn't care for her riches" or "doesn't let it make her prideful" in an obnoxiously self-righteous way.

…Learn skills easily (singing, piano, a sport, extreme sexual positions when she's a complete innocent virgin, blah, blah, blah), especially ones that are known as being difficult to master, such as swordplay, archery, fencing, being a ninja, etc.?

*Sigh* …I have no comments on this one. It's self-explanatory. I'll only say that most Sues try to be both Princess Buttercup and Wesley at the same time with their "demure powder-puff princess party" versus their "tough girl expertly-skilled-with-weaponry tomboy-but-still-attractive" charade.

…Have a physical handicap that doesn't hinder them?

Ok, if you character has a broken limb that never healed right, it has to hinder them at least a little bit, but not too much. That would be Sueish. Simply said.

…Easily befriend animals/children/the Pevensies/Lucy specifically?

We don't need 50 replicas of Snow White running around in the fandom, capiché?

…Have magical abilities in the Chronicles of Narnia fandom?

NO. NONONONONONONONONONONONONO. NO. No one should have physical "magic" with a glowing wand and shit other than Jadis, the White Witch. No exceptions. No "special abilities" that surpass a human being, WEAK. MORTAL. HUMAN. BEING. This means no resurrecting from the dead either, herself or her resurrecting another. NEVAR EVAR.

…Is a cross-species?

Meaning they are half human and something else, maybe a dryad or something. You don't see much of this in Narnia fandom, but if someone does they might actually be able to pull it off since you rarely come across it. But from a glance, this is actually something you want to avoid, as it is implausible. Especially if OC thinks she is a mortal human and has been living in London for the past sixteen or so years of her natural life (depending on how old your OC is).

…Get punished for a crime they didn't commit?

Just no. It doesn't work in most cases and comes off Sueish and attention-seeking for the OC.

…Solely or mostly responsible for "saving the day" or defeating the White Witch, or resurrecting Aslan?

Again. NONONONONONONONONONO. NO. STOP IT. ATTENTION-SEEKING WHORE SUE. STOP IT. This is the last and one of the worst out of all of them, because almost EVERY Sue does this. They become the center of the story rather than the Pevensies, and it's freaking annoying as shit.

But there are things some of you (not ALL of you, calm down) tight-assed people need to learn when accepting criticism. Know that IT'S JUST CRITICISM. IT WILL HEEEELP. If you let it:

-Don't be surprised if someone doesn't immediately like your character, or they have issues with the plausibility of your plot. Take their advice into consideration, at least. It would benefit us all.

- Don't take criticism as a frontal assault. Flames, yes. But most all of them (even flames) can help you, and have some element of truth to them.

-Don't get too attached to your character, is the biggest point. It will help you to part with aspects of the character that you "reallyreallyreallyreally want" in the story, but are just not plausible. This will also help with the fantasizing about your character and their love interest at night when you can't sleep or while you're in the car daydreaming. Just saying.

All in all, it's just a matter of perspective. If you just have the right mindset, and keep away from danger zones, you'll come out with, at the very least, a half-decent story that will get successful reviews from intelligent readers. All cursing and sarcastic comments aside, this is meant to help you, if you haven't noticed.

Now, to recap.

...

AHA! You remembered that was a joke. Buh bye, lovelies. I hurl insults out of love.

Love,

E2189

"What can we do about the…Mary-Sues…it seems even this author is frustrated with them," said Susan.

"Though her language is foul, she has a point," said Edmund.

"You're one to talk, Ed. But how do you know she's a woman?" asked Lucy.

"It's apparent that she's also written stories about us with…love interests, so either the author is a woman, or a gay man." Susan gave her younger brother a dry look.

"Let's go with, the author's a woman," said Susan.

"So what do we do with the letter, then?" asked Lucy.

"We must pass along her message," said Peter. "Somehow, to the other authors…"

But we all know they already have.

…

And yes, I am a woman.