Live, Laugh, and Love Lunacy
Chapter 1: Something in the Water
In many tales, they start you off with "Once upon a time" or "In a faraway place". In many tales, nothing can possibly go wrong for anyone for more than eight seconds. In many tales, everything is too freaking perfect.
Well not in this story buddy.
I woke up to find myself strapped to my bed in the basement, with multiple wires and pads attached to my bare upper body. Now I know what you're thinking. Shouldn't I be freaking out right now? Who is the fiend that has trapped me so readily? What's the point of these questions? Well I'll tell you in order: Yes, a freaking purple unicorn, and they're rhetorical you fart waffles!
But I digress. As I tried to pry my arms out from under my binds, the door to my quarters opened atop the stairs adjacent to my bed. The clopping of hooves could be heard descending the stairs, and my eyes followed their owner as they reached the bottom. "So how did you sleep?" My hostess asked me with a cup of coffee floating next to her (I assume it's for me).
"All things considered…pretty well actually." I wriggled my arms a little against the straps holding me down. "But were these really necessary? I said I would cooperate. Or were the straps a way of telling me something else, hmm?" I inquired as she loosened my restraints. She blushed a little from what I could see, but didn't rise to my taunt. "You mentioned having night terrors a few times, and I didn't want the equipment to get damaged if you had one. Also, just to note, you are a heavy sleeper, you know that?"
"To define that with words, I'd need an encyclopedia the size of Princess Luna." The binds were now gone, and I was free to cause mass mayhem and unspeakable acts of stupidity! Or I could just take the coffee Twilight is offering me…..yeah, coffee sounds preferable right now.
As she trotted around to the machine she used for her experiment involving my slumbering cranial dysfunctions, I couldn't help but stare at her in my lazy morning daze. Her full name was Twilight Sparkle. She's a purple unicorn pony whom decided to play host to me after I got here about a week ago. How did I get here you may ask? It's very simple actually.
My uncle passed on not too long ago, and he left me almost everything in his possession. Everything but the Maserati. He strictly stated in his will for me to blow the damn thing sky high by replacing the seats with replicas made from C4 (He got the idea from reading a Deadpool comic I let him borrow).
Everyone in my family begged me not to do it, but I couldn't resist the chance to blow something up and get away with it. Plus, depriving my grubbing parents of something they wanted was too sweet to pass up. But back on topic now; I was also the only family he had left since he could never give my aunt any children, and she died a few years back. So he left me with everything plus his magnum opus: his lab and all its contents!
He had kept it a secret for years, and my aunt and me were the only ones who knew about it. I was tempted to use a leftover mini-doomsday device on my parents' house, but decided to let them live because I wasn't ready to become a villain yet. Not enough capes to blow menacingly in the wind, you see. Anyway, to make a long story short: I was experimenting with a Temporal Space Distorter, and I kinda created a rip in space-time that I decided to go Gordon Freeman on and jump right in with crowbar and Gravity Gun in hand. Not my best decision.
But now I'm here, and I've been having the time of my life ever since. Though, three days isn't all that much time, is it?
"So what's the diagnosis Doc? Am I gonna be a daddy?" I let out a hardy laugh.
Twilight looked over her data sheet and leveled a playful glare at me. "Well, from what I've gathered, you seem to be doing fine on all fronts. Not even one terror."
"Oh yeah, I lied about that. I don't know why though. I guess I forgot about that part." Her left eye started twitching as I walked past her and upstairs.
"Anywho, I've got an appointment with Rarity at 11, and I don't want to smell like Spike's breathe after a gem binge." Twilight shook her head and watched me ascending the stairs before she decided to follow. Once we were in the main room of the library, she just made the situation more incorrigible for me.
"How would you know what his breath smells like? Do you sniff ponies' breath while they sleep or something?" She joked. I looked at her with the most overly serious face I could muster. "What do you think Twilight?" The face she made… *gasp* PRICELESS! I just chuckled as I headed for the bathroom to clean the crud out of my ears and leave her to figure out if I was joking or not.
After I left her alone, Spike came out of the kitchen and saw Twilight with her mouth agape and pupils the size of bits. He waved his claw in front her face, snapped a few times, and then yelled her name next to her ear. That last one woke her up quite well.
"Spike! Indoor voices…ow." Spike just rolled his eyes as he walked past her to grab his latest comic off the center table in the library's common area. "You'd think enough time with Rainbow Dash would make you a bit more knowledgeable about when somepony is messing with you Twilight."
Meanwhile, upstairs even further than before…nothing was happening. And I'm not one to talk about myself showering you pervs.
But I will say I was laughing my ass off while washing my hair. I couldn't hold back anymore and guffawed VERY loudly while thinking of Twilight's reaction.
I digress. After a soothing shower and a change of clothes, I ran down from the second floor, yelled bye to Twilight and Spike, and whooshed out the door!
Looking around as I slowed down to a jogging pace, I admired the town of my current residence in all its simplicity. Ponyville was almost perfect, in a way. As I passed many ponies, I wasn't nervous about being stared at, like I was back home. No, I smiled, waved, and gave a morning greeting to many passersby, and they gave me one in turn.
The ponies here were friendly, but not overly so. The air was clear and without pollution. And the scenery everywhere was so vibrant and beautiful, you'd think I reached paradise! But alas, my uncle wasn't here to see the fruits of his machine, so paradise was just a word to me.
As the sad thoughts distracted me, I didn't notice somepony in my path, and I promptly tripped and toppled with them to the ground. "Ah crap, I'm sorry. Are you okay?" Turns out, I had bumped into one of the few ponies I had made friends with over my days here. One Ms. Vinyl Scratch, to be specific.
We both stood and brushed ourselves off. "Hey, don't worry about it. Accidents happen all the time, right?" She paused and stared at me. Her eyes blocked by her badass shades she wore almost 24/7.
"Dude, are you alright? Because you look kinda down in the mouth." I gave her a deadpan stare.
"Down in the mouth, really?"
"Well I could've said 'Why the long face?' but you don't really fit the bill for that."
I chuckled at that. "Well you're not wrong there. It's nothing big. I was just reminiscing on how my uncle Edwin would have loved this place is all. He had always been a sap for towns like this." I looked around again, taking time to cherish my surroundings.
"Yeah, this place kicks flank on a daily basis. But you look like a guy on a mission. Where are you headed in such a hurry?"
Fiddling to grab my timepiece from my pocket, I let her know I had an appointment to keep. "While I'd love to stay and chat, I have a schedule to keep, and I've only got –" My watch read five until 11! "FIVE MINUTES? Crap on a cracker, I won't make it in time…unless…" Vinyl just stared at me while I had my mini-breakdown, but flinched after I grabbed her shoulders. "Vinyl, I need a favor!"
She put a smile on her face and just went with the flow, as usual. In the name of my trousers, I'll never understand how she can stay so cool all the time!
"No problem, dude. Whatcha need?" I asked if she had her Bass Cannon on her. The look of incredulity on her face – like Twilight's this morning – was priceless.
"Who the hay do you think I am? I always have that thing at a hoof's distance. Why?"
What happened next would go down in the record books as my 53rd most asinine idea ever, of all time. I had run into the nearby Quills and Sofas store, asking if they had any footrests I could borrow for a moment. I promptly exited the store after procuring the previously mentioned upholstery and ran back to Vinyl.
"Okay, here's the plan. I'm going stand on this footrest, and you are going to angle your Bass Cannon to blast me – with EPIC WUBS – into the air. Then I shall proceed to fly through the air and to Carousel Boutique without being late. Now prepare for take-off!" I realized that not all my plans made sense, but where's the fun in always making sense? Sometimes you just need to get a little crazy to realize what you need to do.
"Are you sure about this?" She said as she brought over and adjusted the angle of her Bass Cannon; the speakers now pointed at my sexy buttocks.
"Yes. Now prepare to fire!" I exclaimed while putting on my flight goggles.
"Wait, where did you get those goggles?"
"No time to explain! Now are you ready?!" I yelled while adjusting my sound cancelling head phones.
"And now you have headphones? Where do you keep all this stuff?!"
"I can't hear you Vinyl, I'm wearing sound cancelling headphones! And we launch in 5…"
My cheeks were tight.
"4…"
The cannon was prepped.
"3…"
I saw Winona peeing on a bush near Applejack's cart. Where was she I wondered?
"2…"
My body was ready.
"1…"
Time to hit the skies.
"DROP THE BASS!" *BOOM*
And with a jolt to my keister, I was now sailing through the air without a care in the world. The wind whipped around me as I classily flew, and I started to hum that theme that goes to any movie or situation involving helicopters. You know the one.
But my humming didn't last long, as I saw my destination approaching fast.
Remember how I said that not all my plans make sense? That includes certain planning portions of my plan where self-preservation was involved. In my haste to make a speedy arrival and save time, I had forgotten to pack a means of safe landing.
Looks like I was going in raw…giggity.
Meanwhile, inside Carousel Boutique…
Sweetie Belle (Rarity's younger sister) was drawing in the boutique's main parlor; unaware of the company she was soon to receive. When all of a sudden, she heard a crash from the wall behind her. She jumped, squealed, and then turned to the offending source of her disturbance…only to find the upper half of my torso hanging from high up the wall.
As I lifted my head to look at my surroundings, my gaze immediately went to the clock on the wall next to me. "HA! Made it with a minute and a half to spare! Victory!"
After I celebrated my early arrival, I noticed Sweetie Belle staring at me in a mixture of surprise and curiosity. Not wanting to leave her hanging, I put on my best Jack Nicholson impression.
"Here's Travis!"