Disclaimer: my apologies to anyone who actually knows l33t. I, sadly, do not. I tried my best, but my best is trying to copy it off megatokyo….(sheepish grin) and the ILLIAD belongs to Homer, who kicked mad ass, but he's dead, RIP him, and the TROY movie belongs to some punkass director.

Muahahahaha. Which, no matter what Anza says, is not spelled with a "w". There will be as much slash as I can cram in here and still make work, there will be many references to Cassander, possibly some X-men and Kingdom of Heaven stuff eventually too, because Agamamnon was in X2 and Menelaus and Paris were both in Kingdom of Heaven. As soon as I get Kingdom of Heaven for my very own, rest assured I will make another one of these things especially for my crusadey pals in that fandom.

This one's for Anza, Gill, and Ravey. In loving memory of that time we slept over Rave's house and watched TROY and laughed at all the bits that could be taken as innuendo.

TROY

Map: Tons of stuff which anyone not familiar with the Illiad will be totally confused about.

Educated audience: Yeah, yeah, we know! Let's go!

Uneducated Audience: What? Wait! I don't get it!

Opening: Sand. Lots of sand.

Odysseus voice-over: I'm going to die. You are going to die. We're all going to die. What else is there to be afraid of? Well, no more diving, of course…and no more fighting or banging either…(cries) I DON'T WANNA DIE!

Scenery: (sits there)

Audience: (sits there)

Odysseus: (cough) Uhh…men are wigged out about death. We wonder: will dudes born way way after us know about us and hear about our ass whupping and NC-17 scenes? Hell yeah, y'all! I gotz me a sequel! XP

Homer: (glare)

Odysseus: (cough)...Moving on.

(cool background music)

(two big-ass armies skip onto the field and for some reason stop within bowshot range of each other)

Important-looking old dudes in chariots: (ride out to middle)

Agamemnon: Yep, yo boys're dead dudes walkin'.

Thessaly king: Bugger off.

Agamemnon: Hell no, it's nice here. I think we'll stay. (leers at Thessaly king)

Thessaly king: (backs up a step) er…

Agamemnon: I like your soldiers, too. /winks at soldiers/

Soldiers: . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Thessaly king: (scoff) they won't fight for YOU. You're gross.

Agamemnon: That's what everyone else said. Now they ALL 'fight' for me.

Thessaly king: Dude, you can't take over the world. It's too cliché.

Agamemnon: (pout) Well, if you're going to be like that, I suppose we WON'T have a war.

Thessaly king: You know, we could just let two fighters duke it out, gladiator style.

Agamemnon: You're so stupid. How did an idiot like you become king/scoff/ I have SUCH a better idea: we take two soldiers we don't like and we could just let them duke it out, gladiator style!

Thessaly king: . . . I just said that…

Agamemnon: That's why no one will remember your name.

Thessaly king: (sniffle) MEANIE! ...…what if my dude wins?

Agamemnon: HA! Yeah, we'll just take over your land anyway.

Thessaly king: (pout)

Agamemnon: Fine. You get to keep your damn land if your dude wins.

Thessaly king: (satisfied smile) There we go. Now, for my fighter. (whips out pokeball) Boagrius, I CHOOSE YOU!

Boagrius: ………?

Thessaly king: Oh. There you are. (throws pokeball over shoulder)

Pokeball: (hits Nestor on forehead)

Thessaly king: Soldiers of Thessaly! Bang stuff!

Thessaly soldiers: Er, right now? Here? In front of the Greeks…?

Thessaly king: Yes, yes, bang your spears on your shields!

Thessaly soldiers: OHHHHHHHH…… (bang spears on shields)

Boagrius: w00t! Ph34r m4 l33t355! Ph34r!

Agamemnon: MY EYES! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! ACHILLES!

Greek army: er…(scuffle feet) About that…

Thessaly dudes: (snicker)

Thessaly king: OHO! Snap! (cracks knuckles nonchalantly) Yep, Boagrius has this effect on MANY "heroes"…

Agamemnon: WHERE THE HELL IS ACHILLES!

Officer: err…. We're sending a boy to go get him…

Agamemnon: (rubs temples) So, what you're telling me is this: we have a small boy tagging along with my army, we're sending him after ACHILLES, we know where Achilles is but can't be arsed to check that he's here before the battle, and, most disturbingly, you are trusting said brat with one of my horses.

Officer: The kid's very polite, and I'm sure he'll return the hors-

Agamemnon: I was referring to Achilles…Okay, kid. Fetch Achilles. Go on! (claps hands)(points) FETCH! Go on, now, boy! Fetch!

Messenger boy: Eh?

Agamemnon: Go get the blond monkey warrior.

Messenger boy: Ohhhhhh…… (runs off)

Achilles: mmmmm……Cassander…..

Messenger boy: (looks nervously at tent flap)(shrugs)(goes in) DUDE!

Achilles: WTF! I was having a good dream….a VERY good dream…

Messenger boy: I….I'm scarred for life….

Achilles: (sits up)(looks around) Dude! Sweet! It wasn't a dream!

Messenger boy: MY EYES! MY EYES! (claws at face)

Achilles: But if it wasn't a dream, what happened to all the pretty colors and the dancing sparkly penguins singing the Llama Song...(shakes head sadly) I'll miss those sparkly penguins… So, what up?

Messenger boy: (clapping hands firmly over eyes) FOR THE LOVE OF ZEUS! PUT CLOTHES ON!

Achilles: (somehow outside, dressed, and sitting on horse) Ahahaha! There is no such thing as bad publicity! (rides off into sunset, despite the fact that it's morning)