Spikeland
Summary
A wars a brewin' and everyone is forced into a kingdom called spikeland run by well spike. The land offers food and shelter, but with a baby running it, things get out of hand.
The fanfic "mistress twilight"
belongs to DeiStar. And mlp belongs to hasbro. These stories are in association with Psquiddy288
The idea of the effect of the snaggle tooth is from mark of chaos, by badboylover24. glamdring belongs to j.r.r. Tolkien. There are many spelling and grammatical errors. These stories are supposed to be funny, not to be taken seriously. There are intentional plot holes in all my stories to make fun of bad clop fics
Spike is on the Internet when he sees a link
Spike: what melancholy tinkle ehh om
AHH mistress twilight. i'll read it
30
Minutes later
Spikes puking and crying
Spike: wahhhh it's so gross. Kissing Is gross. Ill never kiss again. (Triple huff)
Spike: hey what if do it in real life to flutter shy and rainbow dash they'll be in for a real NIGHTMARE NIGHT SCARE. Except its auguary
Hahaha!
Spike: what time is... 4:30 p.m. They should be asleep by now I know it's 30 minutes past my bedtime
Spike leaves and gets to there house
Spike: WHAT?! There still up. Well there gonna be sleepy in the morning
Spike hears the two talking about something
Spike: hmm what are they SAYING! AGHHH!... Oh poop there leaving
Flutter shy and rainbow dash go out the front door and spike sneeks in and hides in the closet
Spike: it's so dark
Spike lights a match and sees strapons and shit
Spike: AHH! There viscous killers why else would the have baseball bats... Now where's the bed..TSS TSS TSS... Wait two beds!
Spike pulled out a scroll of paper that said"babe it's spike come to flutter shy's" and sent it to rarity. 20 minutes later rarity arrived
Rarity: why do you need me spike.
Spike: okay here's my plan
Spike explained everything
Rarity: I'm not helping you with that!
Spike: but baaaaabe ( triple sniff followed by a double huff) please
Rarity: NO I'm not doing a prank like that
Spike: please babe i love you and I love pranking. (Quadruple huff followed by a triple sniff) and I want to scare flutter shy and ra- ra EEEEYAHHH
Rarity:okay okay ill help you
Spike:(sniff) YAY!
4hours later
Rainbow and fluttershy walk in and after 45 minutes they fall asleep ( in there seperate beds)
Spike:YEAH game time
Rarity: oh dear lord
8 hours later
Rainbow dash wakes to see spike sleeping in her bed
Rainbow dash: spike what the ... Sp Spike
Spike wasn't waking up as he had stayed up past his curfew
Rainbow dash had the solution she walked past (but not noticing ) rarity lying next to fluttershy. She filled the bath tub with cold water and dumped the sleeping dragon in.
Spike emmediatley jumped up and screamed.
Spike: YEAOW (whisper) spike remember your prank) (Normal) oh hello mistress
Rainbow dash:spike what the fuck are you doing here
Spike; whatever are you talking about mistress we fucked last night you said you loved me and I KNOW you meant it
Rainbow dash: spike I'm in love with fluttershy your talking bullshit if that happened you would be back in HELL! (Cause ever since satan(akadiscord) explained the whole snaggley thing she understood it but spike never did.)
Meanwhile
Fluttershy wakes up and notices rarity
Fluttershy: oh my gosh!
Fluttershy left the bedroom and locked the door
45minutes later
Rarity wakes up and finds she can't leave through the door
Rarity: I guess I'll get out through (gulp) the window
Rarity was climbing out when she fell.
Rarity: AHH son of a bitch!
Her leg was broken she murdered a chicken and made the pelt into a temporary cast.
She started to crawl her way to ponyville.
Meanwhile
Twilight: spike, spike where are you?
Twilight searched every room in the house and didn't find spike
Also meanwhile (shut up I don't care if I keep doing meanwhile transitions)
Pinkie pie is vigorously masturbating on the heart shaped bed starring at the picture of twilight. when a huge ass scroll hits her head
Pinkie pie: ow hey wha-it's a TELEGRAM!
The telegram said
"Pinkie Pie it's Twilight. Spike is missing. I can't find him anywhere.
I need you to come over here"
Pinkie Pie: well fuck me in the Ass I gotta go down there.
2 hours later
Twilight and pinkie pie are searching all around ponyville when rarity crawled by
Twilight:(gasp) oh my god rarity what happened
Rarity: h huh uh hosp - p -p ital
Twilight: well take you to a hospital right now
48 minutes and 26 seconds later
Oh and in the hospital
OH!and pinkie pie has the English broadsword that looks like glamdring
Twilight: rarity do you know where spike is?
Rarity: with flutter flu huh hyehh
Rarity then passed out
Pinkie pie: I think she said with fluttershy !
The duo started to run to fluttershy and rainbow dash's house but the see 2 armies fighting one consisting of swat team members another of hippies. The swat wielding shields and SMGs while the hippies wielding slings.
Twilight: holy shit we gotta go
Pinkie pie: I SHALL RETURN!
Meanwhile
Spike: my first prank didn't work ill do another :)
Spike took one of the dildos from the closet and brakes the window
Fluttershy and rainbow dash emmediatley flood in unaware the spike is just under rainbow dash's bed
Fluttershy: oh no
Rainbow dash: spike ran away
Fluttershy: we gotta find him
The two flee out of there house
Spike emerged from the bed
Spike: (little bitch snicker) now the house is mine and I sha-
Spike is cut off by an explosion
Spike: holy poo poo screw making this a play land this's gotta be a fortress
2 hours later
Two swat team soldiers are reloading when the see a pink figure with a red and gold lining on top. Little did they know it was pinkie pie with a spartan helmet and the English broadsword that looks like glamdring.
Swat guard1: what is that
Swat guard2: I wouldn't worry bout it
After3 minutes of staring at pinkie she was at the front lines and cut straight threw the battle ground
She came to rescue spike but saw a cardboard sign across two of the windows that read "welcome to spike land"
Pinkie pie: wait spike land? No spikes can be so funny
Spike: come in pie of pink (15minutes lster after spike explained the entire situation) i found a scope for your gun, may I borrow you broadsword
Pinkie pie: you can BORROW it
Spike: pie of pink please bring forth to me the cutie mark crusaders as they shall be knighted, and bring forth Granny Smith as she shall be a righteous witch, and bring forth rainbow dash, as she shall be my squire, and bring forth to me fluttershy, as she has a bunny, and I want her bunny, and bring forth to me twilight, as she will guide me through being king, and bring forth to me applejack as she shall buck the apples outside this fortress, and bring forth to me rarity, as she shall be my queen.
Pinkie: will do!
4hours later
Spike and rarity are in wooden thrones Granny Smith Is looking frustrated while dressed as a wizard
Rainbow dash looks like at any moment she could punch spike and then murder him while dressed as a fucking childrens party clown
Spike:by the honor of me and the queen of rarity I here by knight apple bloom, sweetie belle, scootaloo, and pinkie pie,. whereas pinkie pie shall snipe baddies on the roof with the new scope I found for her revolver, you the crusaders shall stand by my throne, with the baseball bats I found in the closet (there the dildos), and Granny Smith, you shall protect this sacred land with your magic, twilight sparkle you shall mentor me, your king, apple jack you shall buck the apples outside, rainbow dash, you shall entertain me, flutter shy, (double sniff)because you did not bring your bunny, i cannot think of much for you but alas I have thought 1of
Fluttershy: what's that?
Spike: you shall be wedded to the squire
Rainbow dash and fluttershy looked astonished
pinkie pie: why
Spike: because I desire there to be drama, much like my favorite book program, keeping up with the kardashians. and as for the English broadsword. It shall represent the kingdom of spike land and it shall stay by my thrown for use of only me and by request apple bloom of the cutie mark crusaders.
Any objectives?
Granny Smith: NO gays are bad! And your bad you stupid fucking cunt ill get you and ill fu-
Spike: crusaders! Seize the traitor
Spike lays his sword on the table head up
Granny Smith: I'm not going down without a fight
Granny Smith starts biting apple blooms ear
Granny Smith: (muffled) mother fucker, bitching slut
Spike:take her down, I want NO bloodshed
Pinkie pie breaks off a table leg and clubs Granny Smith
15minutes later
Spike: Elizabeth Mary smith you have commited an act of treason. The sentence, death, any final words you would like to bless upon us
Granny Smith (muffled cause she has a bag on her head) I'm gonna fucking kill you in the night stupid motherfu-
Granny Smith Is cut off as her neck slams onto the sword thus decapitating her
2 hours lator
Apple bloom: hey scootaloo you think we should go out and beat the enemie
Sweetie belle: ya
Scootaloo: wait who is the enemie?
Spike: who is the enemy? The people out there confounding us to this appartment of a castle take your clubs crusaders make pay!
The crusaders run out and within 2minutes and 16 seconds there dead
Applejack: ohh shit (applejack starts to sob) applebloom, granny, Big Mac, there all gone
Twilight: don't worry I can do this cool satanic ritual and it will bring them back.
Apple jack: DO IT!
5minutes and 57 seconds later
Twilight: won apple bloom, Granny Smith , big Macintosh kcab gnirb ho drocsid sa nwonk osla natas
Emmediatley demons spring from the ground and throw spike of his throne and wreck it
Spike: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!
Twilight ill try again
12minutes and49 seconds later
The majority of the apple family scootaloo and sweetie belle rise from the ground
Sweetie belle: Please lord satan no AGH- oh we're in spike land
Apple bloom(shivering) not the double dick agai- WERE BACK!
Spike I'm gonna go for a walk
Outside spike finds a strange man
Spike: who are you
Strange man: i wrote mistress twilight.
15 minutes later
The man is strapped to a burning steak so he's burning
3m50s later
Apple bloom: twilight, pinkie pie. Me and the crusaders were wondering, how much do you love each other
Pinkie pie:( sounding as serious as man of steel) why do you want to know
Sweety belle because we want to make sure it's true true true true love when we meet another philly that we think will be our super special some pony
Spike: bitch you've just gotta chilax your like 5 you don't gotta worry bout dat
Twilight: spike your just grumpy because you cant drink any milk,plus spike your 2 and a half, well tell you
Applebloom: YAY!
Spike(mutter) fucking bitches all of em
Twilight: well crusaders there's a mystical thing called a snaggle tooth and what it does is if you scratch someone with it they'll love you forever, well one day I went to pinkie pies house and she tripped and accidentally scratched me with it and the rest is history. And
Apple bloom: That doesn't answer our question really but great and pinkie
Pinkie pie: (clears throat) I have prepared a poem
Twilight: please stop you don't have to read that
Pinkie pie: okay twilight no offense but shut the fuck up. I'm gonna read the fucking poem (clears throat again) oh twilight sparkle sparkling goddess. Your titties got swag and I don't mean sag
Twilight: stop pinkie pie
Pinkie pie: no twilight I love you but shut your fucking mouth so I can continue on with this sick ass poem
(Clears throat) your vaginal system
Twilight: STOP you gotta stop,
Pinkie pie:look twilight we have through this shit three times now I love you so let me tell you why (clears throat) the feeling it gives me is like waking up to see snow of poem. That's It that's why
Apple bloom: ok your not answering our question maybe your mishearing it or something but were gonna go now
Spike trots in wearing a crown and robe
Spike: twilight and the spike land knights, I wish to see you in my throne-room as there are many things to be discussed
7n25s later
Spike: fluttershy, squire, you shall not be married, because I've been thinking, talking to Granny Smith a lot and we've come to a logical conclusion, all ones that love one of the same gender shall die
Rainbow dash, fluttershy, pinkie pie, and twilight, push the knights of spike land away and lift up spike and dangle him by a rope out a window and make sure when he drops he shall be tumble into the forest
Rarity: free your king
Pinkie pie leads rarity out of the room at gunpoint
Twilight: spike I can't believe your being so stupid
Everybody else is shouting and screaming, whether they agree (so just Granny Smith ) or disagree there screaming bloody murder shouting exposition
"Just exile him already"
"No kill him"
"Fuck you fags"
"NO spike"
Many of them called (yeah rarity snuck back in)
Twilight: spike I ju-
Rainbow dash: don't be all touchy and shit exile him
Pinkie pie begins to read from a scroll wearing her spartan helmet and her gun in her holster
Pinkie pie: (clears throat) king spike of spike land do you except the charges of an attempted hate crime which is punishable by exile
Spike:NO!
Pinkie pie: and the jury
Everyone else( but Granny Smith): YES!
Granny Smith: no
Pinkie pie: what are your final words
Spike: I here by declare rarity ruler of spike land and all rules she passes must be followed, however there is one exception, she may not change the name of this sacred land, the English broadsword shall return to pinkie pie
Spike starts singing run faggot run (which is run ninja run with a few changes) when fluttershy cuts the rope and he falls and roles into the forest his head hits a rock and he blacks out.
2hours 30minutes and 19 seconds later
Spike wakes out with a gash on his head with a bear 3 feet away from him. Spike starts running and trips a ewok trap apple jack made to catch food but he ran so fast instead it killed the bear.
Spike: I have overthrown the bear I am king of the forest
Meanwhile
Rarity:my first act as queen of spike land is... Spike always said kissing and girls loving girls and love in general is icky so in his honor you may only say the word love at night, because he'll be sleeping
Rainbow dash, he is sleeping... With the fishes there's a war out there, he's dead!
Rarity:(sniff then sob) the rule is now officially passed and is punishable by death
GO NOW GO!
The knights of spike land escort the others out as rarity starts crying
4 hours later(at night)
Twilight: spike what the hell
Pinkie pie: what
Twilight: you were talking to the cutie mark crusaders
Pinkie pie: what I thought it was the perfect time to read my sick ass love poem
Twilight: it was literally about my breasts
Pinkie pie: so?
Scootaloo overheard there conversation
Scootaloo: crusaders were knights now and that means we should protect the people and i think rarity is bad
Apple bloom: let's get her
The crusaders ran up to rarity
Apple bloom: GET HER
They beat her with they're dildos until she was in critical condition
Twilight was queen for a week before, he reclaimed his throne
5 days later.
Twilight is on her throne when rarity walks up to her with a needing to walk with a cane
"M'lady, I request a higher position in the higher archly." The cripple said
" like…"
"Hand of the queen?"
"No you cannot be trusted with that much power!"
Pinkie runs in with a trash bag.
"M'lady"- pinkie said"spikes dead"
"Is he in the bag?" The queen asked
"Yes."
"Let me see."
"Yes m'lady."
Pinkie opens the trash bag. Spike hops out and kicks down pinkie
"What the hell!?" Pinkie asks
Spike puts a knife against twilights neck
"You are not to usurp me!" The fair lady said
Spike knocked out twilight with his knife
"Usurped, bitch!"
The cmc run in. The charge at spike with the dildos. Spike grabs apples and knocks out scootaloo.
He throws apple bloom on the ground. Sweetie bends at the knee in fear
"I yield, my lord!"
"And as for you pinkie?"
Pinkie thinks for a moment.
"I yield…m'lord"
"And the crusaders?"
"We yield." Apple bloom says
"I here by crown myself king, and rarity queen!"
2 hours later
Twilight wakes up. She sees spike and rarity on there respective thrones.
"Aha! Arise, librarian, or the town wise one!" Spike says
"Wait, I but I was queen…"
"WAS!"
Rarity snickers
"I don't need to be hand of the queen anymore!" She laughs
Twilight merely has her head up, shes still laying down, yet Spike kicks twilight in the face. She falls over.
The doors knocked
"Sniper, who is it?" Spike asks
"Pipsqueak, owlisious, silver spoon, diamond tiara, twist, babs seeds, and star swirl the bearded!" Pinkie says
"Come in!"
They enter. Ssb looks like Ali g wearing a trench coat. And sounds like lion-o
"I am star swirl the bearded, this is my clan! May we live in this kingdom?" He asks
"What do you say, my queen?"
"Let them stay!"
1 week later
Discord appears.
"Hello! I am discord! Regardless of your opinion,I'm here to stay." The demon gloats.
That night
Rarity is falling asleep, spike had other kingly duties to attend to, so he would not attend bed for a little while.
Discord appears in the room.
"Hello, my pretty" discord says
"What?" The queen asks
"How 'bout a fuck?"
"WHAT?!"
"You,me (sing son voice) get jigeh!"
Discord desired to have sexual intercourse with rarity. So he could tell spike and make him mad, so he has bullshit laws, thus causing discord.
The dragoneques puts an arm around the queen.
"Discord, your so,"
"Shh, my little turtle dove."
The two fall to the bed.
(No this is NOT turning into mark of chaos! Or another mlp erotica!)
In the throne room:
Spike is negotiating jobs for star swirl the bearded.
"(Sigh) how about a break star?" The king asks
" sure!" Star says
"Squire,a song!" Spike shouts
Rainbow dash walks up.
"What song m'lord?" She says with her teeth closed
"How about, ehh the legacy of spike!" The king says
Rainbow starts grumpily dancing and singing this song
"Oh the king spike was just a dragon then everything went to shit.
Then he made his kingdom and he saved us from being split.
BUT the traitor didn't like him and threw him to the woods, but now he's back tellin', us the don'ts and dos!"
"Thank you squire"-the lord said"star, we shall continue this in the morning, for now I am to go to bed."
"Yes m'lord."
Spike walks to his bedroom. He opens the door to see discord and rarity making out and having sexual intercourse. on his bed.
Spike shuts the door and approaches the cmc.
"M'lord" scootaloo says.
"Knights,discord must die, he's in my bedroom, sexually assaulting my queen." (Spikes a pathological liar, he convinced himself discord was raping rarity)
"Yes m'lord" apple bloom says.
The crusaders march to spikes room.
Spike puts his ear against the door.
"Sir discord, by order of the king you are sentenced to death" spike hears scootaloo say
He hears discord shout like a child "no! what did I do? Ill kill you, stop AGHHH!"
Spike opens the door. He sees discord cut open and dead. Clearly they forgot they could only use the sword on special request.
"Take the body away!" Spike says
The crusaders march away with the dead body.
"Good evening my queen"spike said
"And you my love" rarity said sheepishly
"Do not fret my queen,I won't let that beast take you in his claws again! Now off to bed!"
The next day.
The cmc are at there post when pipsqueak shows up
"'Ello!"he cheers
"Back away!" Spike says from his throne "there not to be disturbed!"
"Oh, we'll what can I do?"
"I don't know talk to twilight or something"
Pipsqueak walks up to twilight.
"Hi twilight!" He says
"Hi pipsqueak," she responds
"How does it feel?"
"What?"
"To be usurped by the closest thing to a son you have?"
"No comment."
"Do you want to know how it feels to usurp?"
"Yeah"
"Great, you have pinkie around your finger, shed help us in a heartbeat, she has a gun, no one else does."
1 day later
The three attack in the afternoon. Spike takes the sword and kills twilight. Pinkie is shooting from the stairwell. Pinkie kills babs and owlisious. Apple throws pipsqueak outside. A swat team member beats pipsqueak to death with his riot shield. Silver spoon, runs outside. A sling ball hits her head and kills her. Diamond tiara gets shot and dies. Spike runs to the basement. He sees a bunch of birds and primates. He snickers at the sight of them
"It'll be like that planet of the apes movie I never saw. "
Spike opens all the cages. They All get loose and start killing everyone. A gorilla throws a chair at pinkie pie, killing her. Flutter shy was in the upstairs room behind pinkie. The birds fly up there. Flutters tumbles down the stairs and over pinkie pie, while being pecked by the birds. Her necked cracked when her head hit the wall. The gorilla's kill everyone but rarity. A gorilla takes a table leg and hits rarity with it. The horrible stomps rarity's neck, crushing her wind pipe. The animals run outside, then get shot down. Spike hops out of a dresser.
"Rarity?"
He walks up to rarity's dead body. He holds up her dead.
"DALM YOU CELESTIA!"