Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 7
EPISODE 17
Airdate: January 28, 2019
"The Heavenly Tapes"
Special Guest Stars: Ross Lynch as Kyle
#TYH715
SCENE 1
("Doo Rags" by Nas plays over the introduction)
While "Doo Rags" plays, the following words are shown over a black background: "Tonight's episode of 'Thank You, Heavenly' is going to be a little different. Over the years, there have been several plots we considered doing, but they were rejected. Some plots became episodes, but were never finished or rejected at the last minute. With the following episode, we present three condensed versions of episodes that ended up being unproduced and stored away during the third season of the series. They have never seen the light of day, until now. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the show." - The cast and crew of "Thank You, Heavenly"
As the words disappear, a small quote suddenly shows up which reads: "P.S. - This is also our way of saving money instead of doing another Super Bowl episode. ;)" - RK
Fade to black.
SCENE 2
The Hernandez Household
Seattle, Washington
"Red Hair, Green Eyes" (originally shot in November 2014)
Fade into an exterior afternoon shot of the Hernandez household. Cut to Jaylynn watching TV when Anja walks in.
ANJA: Hey Jaylynn, I have to talk to you about something.
JAYLYNN: Wait a minute. How important is this? How critical are we talking?
ANJA: Level ten critical.
JAYLYNN (V.O.): Oh my God. She's going to admit she's in love with me! YES! The day's finally here!
JAYLYNN: Well, if it's level ten critical, I guess I could be an ear for you. What do you need, angel?
ANJA: I have this crush on someone.
JAYLYNN: You should go for it.
ANJA: Really? Just go for it, not even thinking about it?
JAYLYNN: Thinking about your feelings too much is the enemy. Love is just about letting it flow.
ANJA: Even though this is haram and I'm going against what's dictated in my culture and I don't even know if my feelings will be returned?
JAYLYNN: Yes, one hundred percent. Take a risk. You've been thinking about it this long, give that person the love they deserve.
ANJA: You know what? You're right. I'm doing it, I'm asking out Kyle.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, ask out Kyle. Wait, Kyle? Who the f*** is Kyle?
ANJA: He's this boy that I take science class with. He's so beautiful, Jaylynn. Take a look and tell me what you think.
Anja takes out her phone and shows Jaylynn a picture of Kyle.
JAYLYNN: This...this doesn't do anything for me, Anj.
ANJA: Oh, right. I can't believe I forgot about your whole, um, lesbian thing.
JAYLYNN: I like girls, I don't have some infectious disease.
ANJA: I never said that.
JAYLYNN: Please, I recognized that tone. You know you said it when you thought you didn't say it.
SCENE 3
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The next morning, Jaylynn is talking to the guys about Kyle.
JAYLYNN: It was sick, I felt like throwing up on myself. All she could talk about was Kyle's wavy hair and his laugh and how fast he is compared to other kids in his class. So what if he can run? I'll set up the hurdles just to knock his clown ass down.
SPARKY: Jaylynn, do you really think you have a shot with Anja?
JAYLYNN: I have to. The universe knows that putting us together is the way to go. She's my dream girl, and now Kyle's trying to take my dream away from me.
BUSTER: Yeah, I had a dream that someone was trying to kill me for my secrets too.
WADE: Jaylynn, be reasonable here. Anja likes boys, and she's Muslim, and you're her best friend. This isn't going to end the way you want it to because it can't.
JAYLYNN: What if it did? What if I was able to make some moves?
WADE: What if you actually tried paying attention to the things I'm telling you?
JAYLYNN: Look, it's simple. Anja thinks Kyle is Mr. Perfect. He can do no wrong. All I need to do is find his weaknesses. Anja won't think he's cool anymore, I'll be her shoulder to cry on, and before long, I'll be Ms. Perfect.
BUSTER: What if you fail worse than anyone's ever failed before?
JAYLYNN: Then I'm back here. But I don't care anymore. Anja's going to know we're meant to be.
SCENE 4
The Saleh Household
Interior Dining Room
Seattle, Washington
That night, Jaylynn is having dinner with Anja and Kyle.
KYLE: So then the guy was like, "Put the peanut in the peanut hole!"
Kyle begins laughing while Jaylynn and Anja look at each other with confusion.
JAYLYNN: What the hell is going on here?
ANJA: Yeah, I don't get it either.
KYLE: A lot of people don't. So, how did you two become best friends anyway?
JAYLYNN: Well, my friend Sparky told me that I should sign up for poetry class over at Northgate and that's where I met Anja. We're the only two kids in the class.
KYLE: Sounds kinda lonely. I'm pretty sure they have a poetry class just for kids over there.
JAYLYNN: Interesting, because Anja never told me about that.
ANJA: Well, I think it's time for me to hit the bathroom. You two can keep talking about that thing I don't know anything about.
Anja giggles nervously and runs out of the room.
JAYLYNN: So Kyle, it seems like Anja is really into you. I've never seen her like this before.
KYLE: Why? She's never liked boys?
JAYLYNN: No, not really. She's always cared more about her grades and the honor roll and making sure she was doing what she needed to do in school. But for some reason, you have her mind in another place.
KYLE: You say that like it's a bad thing.
JAYLYNN: Do I?
KYLE: Yes. I literally just told you that.
JAYLYNN: Why would you assume that what I just said is a bad thing?
KYLE: Because of your tone. It implies something bad that you want me to know!
JAYLYNN: Does it?
KYLE: I'm really getting pissed off here.
JAYLYNN: Are you?
Beat.
JAYLYNN: Alright, I'm doing too much now. Look, Kyle, Anja is my best friend. I know her better than I know myself. And I know that she's not going to let some boy come between her and what's really important.
KYLE: So why did she ask me out?
JAYLYNN: She was just taking a chance. But she's not going to be so crazy about you a month from now. She has family values. Why would you want to date a girl with family values?
KYLE: Because I thought she was cool. But she can keep her family values. I'm not going to be anybody's distraction.
JAYLYNN: That's it, Kyle. Save yourself.
KYLE: It's too bad though. Anja's going to kill you when she finds out.
JAYLYNN: No, she won't because you're not saying anything. I'm going to look like the bad guy.
KYLE: But if you didn't say anything, what else would motivate me to leave?
JAYLYNN: The ten dollars I'm giving you that would motivate you to find a reason?
Beat.
KYLE: Okay, I'll find a reason.
SCENE 5
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
The next day, Jaylynn is talking to the guys about the dinner with Kyle.
SPARKY: You did what?!
JAYLYNN: Look, Sparky, I had no choice. How else was I going to have a shot with Anja?
WADE: There's no way you would have a shot!
JAYLYNN: You just can't see things from my perspective.
RK: Jaylynn, I know what it's like to be obsessed with someone. It used to be my day job. And if there's one thing I've learned, it's that you can't control the way someone else feels. It's not fair to them.
BUSTER: Thank you, RK.
RK: You're welcome. Wait, thank you for what?
JAYLYNN: I just want to be with Anja. I love her. I don't want to get rid of my feelings. I'll never find anyone like her.
WADE: Come on, Jaylynn, you know that's not true.
JAYLYNN: Yes, it is!
WADE: Why is it true?
JAYLYNN: This isn't an interview. Stop questioning me about shit.
SPARKY: Look, Jaylynn, Anja's not going to want to be with someone that ruined her relationship and is trying to manipulate a situation for their benefit. If you really want to date Anja, don't you want her to trust you?
JAYLYNN: Of course, I do.
SPARKY: Well, how can she when you're not giving her a reason to?
Jaylynn sighs and puts her hand on her chin.
SCENE 6
The Saleh Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Anja is doing her homework when Jaylynn walks into the house.
JAYLYNN: Hey Anja. I need to talk to you about something important.
ANJA: Let me guess, you want to talk about how you got rid of Kyle?
JAYLYNN: That dumbass couldn't find a reason, could he?
ANJA: What do you think? Jaylynn, what's your problem? How could you do this to me?!
JAYLYNN: It's not a big deal, Anja. He's just a boy, you'll get ordered to marry one in fifteen years.
ANJA: That's not the point. You're the one who told me to go for it and not worry about the consequences. Now, you're jealous because I had someone new to hang out with?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, I was jealous. I was jealous because you were dating him and not me!
ANJA: What?
JAYLYNN: I'm sorry, but I'm done pretending.
Jaylynn walks up to Anja and tries to kiss her, but she backs away.
ANJA: Jaylynn, get off me! What's wrong with you?
JAYLYNN: Anja, I'm in love with you. I've liked you since the first day we met and I haven't stopped. I don't know what it is about you, but I know you make me happier than anybody else in the world.
ANJA: I knew it. I knew you had some weird crush on me!
JAYLYNN: Weird?
ANJA: Yeah. Jaylynn, I can't do this. I thought we were friends. But you tried to get involved in my business and you're pouring your heart out when you know I don't feel the same way. And I can't.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, but...
ANJA: Just get out of here, I can't even look at you right now.
Jaylynn begins crying as she leaves the house. Cut to Anja in the house wiping her mouth.
ANJA: What the freak did she eat today?
SCENE 7
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Later that day, the guys are talking to Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: I'm a creep. I'm the actual definition of a creep.
RK: No, you're not a creep. You just did something a creep would do. There's a difference.
JAYLYNN: Thank you for your amazing insight.
SPARKY: I'm sorry, Jaylynn. But take this as a learning experience. Anja wasn't the person you were supposed to be with. You just thought she was.
JAYLYNN: What happened to me? I never caught feelings for anyone back in Portland. I let myself get charmed by the first girl I spent time with and now, she hates me.
BUSTER: It's not the worst thing to be hated. Some say hate is confused admiration.
JAYLYNN: Confused admiration?
BUSTER: Yeah. Anja was upset in the moment, but in some way, she probably respects you for telling her you were in love with her. She just doesn't see it right now.
JAYLYNN: Yeah? Yeah, she does respect me.
Jaylynn turns to Sparky with a big smile on her face. Sparky shakes his head with a stern look.
JAYLYNN: No, she doesn't. I'm a creep and she hates me.
SCENE 8
Northgate Community Center
Interior Poetry Class
Seattle, Washington
Anja walks into class and sees Jaylynn sitting next to her usual seat. She rolls her eyes, but then stands frozen.
ANJA'S BRAIN (V.O.): Anja, you should try giving Jaylynn another chance. She's your best friend.
ANJA: Why? She's the one who crossed the line.
ANJA'S BRAIN (V.O.): Yeah, genius, I was there. Look, if you ignore Jaylynn, she's not going to feel comfortable around you anymore. Then you're going to start talking to other people, she'll start talking, and then the both of you will die.
ANJA: That's so dark, man.
ANJA'S BRAIN (V.O.): It's true. Just hear Jaylynn out. You don't want to throw your friendship away over this.
ANJA: Yeah, you're right. I should give her another chance.
Anja walks towards Jaylynn.
ANJA: Hey Jaylynn. How are you doing?
JAYLYNN: Good.
ANJA: Oh, okay? You wanna talk about anything?
JAYLYNN: No, I'm just going to find another seat.
ANJA: Alright, cool, that's fine.
Jaylynn moves to the other side of the circle as Anja takes her seat.
ANJA: Do I have gunk in my teeth or something?
SCENE 9
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn is watching TV when Anja walks in.
ANJA: Okay, I can't figure you out.
JAYLYNN: What do you mean?
ANJA: One day, you're in love with me and you kiss me. The next day, you don't want anything to do with me and you're ignoring me. Is this all just some sick game?
JAYLYNN: I don't know, is it? Wait, I'm not talking to Kyle anymore.
ANJA: Jaylynn, what's going on with you? I just wanted to talk to you about us.
JAYLYNN: I don't think that's a good idea. You need your space and I'm giving it to you.
ANJA: I didn't need space, I was just angry. I really liked Kyle and you just got rid of him. I never thought you would do anything like that to me.
JAYLYNN: Me neither. Look, Anja, it took me a long time to admit to myself that I'm lesbian. I didn't even want to admit it because I thought something was wrong with me. I've never dated anyone before, I've never been in love. Then you came in. You're the most awesome person I've ever met and I didn't know how to tell you that I liked you, so I acted like a shithead.
ANJA: Damn. I didn't know it was this serious.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, well, you know. If you don't want to be friends anymore, I understand.
ANJA: I still do. It's just that we can't, you know, have anything happen.
JAYLYNN: I know.
ANJA: Yeah, because if things were different, there could be something, but they're not different, so...
JAYLYNN: Yeah, I've been with you the whole time. You're just talking in circles now.
ANJA: Okay. So, are we cool?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, we're cool. And I promise, things are going to be different. If we're just friends, then that's fine with me.
ANJA: That's great. Also, I wanted to know if you would be interested in seeing my little sister Lynne. She's coming to visit me next weekend.
JAYLYNN: Really? Yeah, I would love to see her. I think we're going to end up being really good friends.
Cut to the present day, where the kids are shown watching "The Heavenly Tapes" inside the editing room of the Anderson Productions Studio in Burbank, California.
JAYLYNN: I've said a lot of stupid things in my life, but that takes the cake.
SCENE 10
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
"King of Nothing" (originally shot in May 2015)
One day, RK and KG are watching TV together.
RK: So, what do you want to watch today?
KG: Nothing. Everything on TV makes me sick right now.
RK: Dude, how dare you say that in front of the TV? He can hear you!
KG: I'm just saying, there have to be more fun activities out there. Why can't we climb trees or go skip rocks or play with slingshots?
RK: Because it's not 1957 anymore. What, you want to go down to the old swimming hole and drink soda pop with Biff and Gomer?
The doorbell rings.
RK: Oh, I didn't know you ordered pizza.
KG: I didn't.
RK: So, what, Chinese?
KG: I didn't order anything, child.
RK: Well, if it's a Jehovah's Witness, I'll just tell them we've had a fall from grace and religion is the last thing we need right now.
RK walks up to the door and sees a man with an Alfred Hitchcock-esque design through the peephole.
RK: A fat white man does these now?
RK opens the door.
RK: Good afternoon, sir. Listen, we've been having some problems with the church lately...
HISTORIAN: I am not a Jehovah's Witness.
RK: Oh. Well, what do you want? We're in the middle of some important TV watching.
HISTORIAN: My name is Reginald von Hausmann, a proud historian at the Seattle Museum of Natural History.
RK: Does this story have a conclusion coming any time soon?
HISTORIAN: I just wanted to announce that we have recently conducted a genealogy study on residents of the Seattle area and we have determined that your family descends from a lineage of royalty.
RK: You're yanking my chain. There's no way that's true.
KG walks up to the door.
KG: What's going on here? What's this guy's angle?
RK: He says that we're descendants of royalty.
KG: Yeah, and I'm next in line to replace Prince William. Or Harry, whichever one of them is more relevant.
HISTORIAN: I can assure you that this is no mistake. We were able to trace your genetic background several generations back to find out that you are a legacy.
Reginald hands RK and KG a letter and they see that it is true.
RK: Wow, I can't believe it. We have royal ancestors?
KG: I always knew there was something special about us.
RK: Okay, well, thanks for this information. Bye.
There is an awkward pause as Reginald simply stares at the Jennings brothers. RK closes the door.
RK: I gotta say, this is kinda cool. Now, I have something to brag about at school. No more will the Jennings name be associated with white trash.
KG: Since when did people think we were white trash?
RK: I don't think it matters. The point is, we have kings and queens in our blood.
KG: That's true. Just think of all the perks we'll get because of this.
RK: Perks?
KG: Yeah. Do you know how many people worship royalty? We have the whole world in our hands. Free stuff, people giving us more respect, endorsements. We might even get our own sandwich.
RK: Man, I don't think people are going to care that much. Do I want my own sandwich? Yes. But that doesn't mean it's gonna happen.
KG: There's too much negativity inside you. I think it might have to do with all the TV you watch.
RK: Yeah, that's the reason I don't believe people are going to give a shit about this.
SCENE 11
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
The next day at lunch, RK is telling the rest of the guys about his newly discovered lineage.
RK: Yes, sir, royalty's running through my veins. It all started several generations ago when my great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather Cornwallis Jennings ran one of the largest empires in ancient Sweden. He was one of the richest men in the world, but he also had some demons. It led to one of the most destructive wars that history has ever seen. But I don't care about what happened in the past. I'm gonna make old Cornwally proud.
WADE: Sweden has never had an empire. Ever.
RK: Well, yeah. You think that because they don't teach you that in school. The educational system has robbed the nation of some of the greatest Jennings men to ever exist.
BUSTER: Really, like who?
RK: Well, Erasmus Jennings was instrumental in the Civil War. He was one of President Lincoln's most trusted advisors. Without old Erasmus, slavery would have never ended.
WADE: So what about the slave revolts or the slaves that earned their freedom fighting in the war?
RK: I'm not giving Erasmus all the credit, but he was a contributing factor.
SPARKY: I think it's cool you come from royalty, RK. So should we start calling you King Jennings?
JAYLYNN: No. If we ever do, I'm throwing up.
RK: There's no need for us to see you release your bodily fluids. Nothing's gonna change. I just thought it would be cool to share. Believe me, KG and I are going to stay the same until we get put in the grave.
SCENE 12
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK walks into the house and sees KG dressed up in a king outfit.
RK: I am so blessed to be in your presence, sir. Do you know what the meaning of life is?
KG: You could at least applaud me for the effort I put into my ensemble.
RK: Dude, I'm sorry, but I can't take this shit seriously. What, did you pay five bucks for that plastic crown from Party City?
KG: No, I got it from the...from the 99-cent store.
RK begins laughing.
RK: Man, this is the best day of my life.
KG: At least I actually care about living up to my ancestors. It's not like you've changed anything.
RK: I switched to eating Nathan's hot dogs without the skin. I feel like that's something.
KG: Come on, man. If we're going to be a royal family, I need you with me on this. I already changed my name.
RK: What are you talking about?
KG: King Garnett Jennings. And you're Royalty Kennedy Jennings. I could call you "Royal" for short.
RK: I like it. Could I start by giving you a royal shot in the jewels?
KG: That's very unbecoming of a king, Royal.
RK gives KG a bored expression.
SCENE 13
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The next day, RK is at his locker when he is approached by Sanna and Ashley.
RK: Holy shit, is the solar eclipse upon us?!
ASHLEY: I think you might want to turn around.
RK turns around and sees the girls.
RK: Guys, seriously, announce yourselves. I almost slapped you both in the face.
SANNA: You don't even believe that. Listen, we heard about you being a descendant of Cornwallis. That's pretty cool.
RK: Oh, I was just telling stories. That's what I do, I enjoy inviting people into my world with color.
ASHLEY: Wait, so your ancestors weren't royalty?
RK: No, they were.
ASHLEY: Well, I don't see the problem in hiding it. I wish I could come from kings and queens.
SANNA: I think I come from them.
ASHLEY: Yeah, Sanna, that doesn't help the way I feel, okay?
RK: Look, guys, I know you're impressed. Hell, if I wasn't me, I would be impressed too. But I don't think it's a big deal. I kinda want it to die.
SANNA: I mean, if that's what you want, but it's something anybody would be interested in.
RK: Maybe. But I know how my life works. In a couple days, nobody will even treat me like a king.
SCENE 14
("King of Kings" by Motörhead plays in the background)
Over the next few days, RK's life begins changing as more people find out that he comes from an ancestry of royalty. He begins receiving extra lunch, money from other kids, and free car washes before he leaves school. At one point, RK walks to his car in the morning and is met with a large crowd of kids staring him down. He gulps and begins running down the block in fear as the kids chase after him. Meanwhile, KG is trying to take advantage of his newfound "status" by wearing royal costumes. At one point, he walks into school dressed in Triple H's entrance gear from WrestleMania 22, and stands in the middle of the hallway as everyone stares at him in bewilderment.
SCENE 15
The Revia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
One day, RK is talking to Anna.
RK: And then I had a dream where they knocked me down, rubbed lipstick all over my face, and then shaved my eyebrows. Then they taped a sign to me that said "The king is dead."
ANNA: What's that mean?
RK: I don't know. That's why I came here so you could tell me.
ANNA: Well, it seems like you're just tired of everybody treating you like royalty. I can relate. I don't like too much attention.
RK: Exactly. People used to be like, "Look at that RK. He's just a bum with a sweet haircut." Now, it's like everyone thinks I have real power. I don't get it.
ANNA: Then again, it might not be the worst thing in the world to embrace it.
RK: Embrace being treated like a celebrity when I can't do a damn thing for anybody?
ANNA: I mean, look at it this way. At least people are giving you attention because they think there's something special about you. That means something.
RK: Really? You think this is one of those things I should just let ride until the wheels fall off?
ANNA: I think so. I mean, if you just let it take its course, kids will forget it and it will be like it never happened.
RK: Well, I guess it doesn't hurt that some girls want to walk to class with me.
ANNA: They want to do what?!
RK: Just kidding. Or am I?
Anna gives RK an annoyed look.
SCENE 16
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The next day at school, RK stands in the middle of the hallway and clears his throat.
RK: Attention! Attention, everybody. I have a royal decree to make. You have appointed me as your king and your leader, so I shall take up the mantle and lead you into the next generation!
Cut to Sparky, Buster, Wade, and Jaylynn watching the events unfold.
SPARKY: What's he doing?
JAYLYNN: I think he's having an episode.
BUSTER: No, I've seen this before. He's just smoking crack. We've all done it.
The guys give Buster confused looks. Cut back to RK.
RK: I was skeptical in the beginning because you people have never embraced me before. But if I need to carry this school on my back, then I will carry it like nobody's carried it before. I'll lead a charge against our enemies. I'll create a force strong enough to withstand any incoming threats. WE'LL PAINT THE ENTIRE CITY RED WITH THE BLOOD OF OUR WAR STORIES!
The guys run up to RK.
JAYLYNN: RK, could you calm down? Even if you are smoking crack, you don't have to make it so obvious.
RK: I'm not on crack! I feel rejuvenated. Look, maybe I was a little uncomfortable with the attention I was getting at first. But these people really appreciate the fact that I come from royalty. I think I should meet them halfway and give them something to believe in.
SPARKY: I mean, you could. But they don't really care anymore.
RK: Que?
WADE: Yeah, the whole "treat RK like a king" thing was just a fad. Now, everybody's into wearing Reebok shoes and pumping them way more than they should be pumped.
RK: What?! Are you kidding me?! I have the legacy of Cornwallis running through my bloodstream and these idiots want to sit here and pump sneakers all day?!
Buster laughs as he continues pumping his Reebok sneakers.
RK: STOP IT!
Buster stops pumping his Reeboks.
BUSTER: Crackhead says what?
RK: What?
BUSTER: I knew it!
SCENE 17
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK opens the door and sees KG watching TV.
RK: Hey there, King Garnett. You had a day at school fit for a king?
KG: Forget it. Go back to calling me KG.
RK: Really? What happened?
KG: Nobody embraced me. I thought being a descendant of royalty would mean something to people, but I guess no one's impressed by that anymore.
RK: Yeah, they're not. In some cases, it does mean something, but by the time you embrace it, everybody would rather pump their Reebok sneakers and accuse you of smoking crack.
KG: Your stories never make any sense.
RK: You have to be there for them.
Beat.
KG: So, you want to do something outside like make mud pies or dig a hole?
RK: No, because I'm not Dennis the Menace.
SCENE 18
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
"He's Not Going Out Like That" (originally shot in June 2015)
The kids are watching TV one night when Wade runs into the house.
WADE: Change it, change it! He's coming on!
The kids groan.
JAYLYNN: Come on, do we have to watch this idiot every night?
WADE: Alasdair Wilkins is not an idiot. He's one of the last reporters actually talking about important issues. He represents the truth.
BUSTER: Yeah, and he also represents bullshit.
WADE: What did you just say about him?
BUSTER: RK said it, please don't beat me!
RK: You bitch.
SPARKY: I think it's starting.
(The instrumental to "I'm Not Going Out Like That" by Run-D.M.C. plays in the background)
VOICEOVER: And now it's time for another edition of Good News with Alasdair Wilkins, starring the hardest-working man in mainstream media, Alasdair Wilkins.
BUSTER: How is he the hardest-working? Where's the study?
WADE: Shhhh.
ALASDAIR WILKINS: Good evening, the fine, fine people of Seattle. Our top story, a young man was found tragically wounded after being hit by a drunk driver near Safeco Field, the home of the Seattle Mariners. What has happened to this country and its sense of compassion? Right near the Mariners' home? And the Seahawks just lost the Super Bowl a few months ago. The last thing that our city needs is more heartache.
BUSTER: That's true. The Seahawks did lose the Super Bowl. I can't believe this.
JAYLYNN: I thought you didn't like this show.
BUSTER: I was just trying to fit in.
WADE: You know, Buster, what you really have to admire about Alasdair is that he's relatable. His reports are meaty, but simple enough for the average person to understand.
BUSTER: You're calling me average?!
SPARKY: Wade, I can't believe you're buying this. Alasdair Wilkins is just another overpaid loser that reads off a screen. He doesn't understand what he's talking about.
WADE: Sparky, every news reporter in the history of the world has used a teleprompter. Would it have killed you to try making a point that's not overdone?
SPARKY: Well, if that's the way you feel, I don't know how to convince...
Sparky's dialogue quickly becomes incomprehensible mumbling.
ALASDAIR WILKINS: I would also like to announce that for the first time ever, Good News will be getting unsolicited material to report on.
At that point, a woman walks up to Alasdair, whispers something in his ear, and then walks away.
ALASDAIR WILKINS: I have just been informed that the material will be solicited before being reported. Anyway, I'm reaching out for a hot story from a young child between the ages of 7 and 12. Whoever has the most gripping, thought-provoking, heart-wrenching story will have it reported live on the air. By yours truly, the man of the hour, too sweet to be sour. Never selling you a dream in the shower, Alasdair Wilkins.
JAYLYNN: The f*** did he just say about the shower?
WADE: Alasdair Wilkins is looking for a report from someone between the ages of 7 and 12?! I'm between the ages of 7 and 12! I CAN ENTER!
BUSTER: Yeah, you're eight. I thought you knew how old you were.
RK: Wade, you know I love you like a brother. But do you really think this is the best idea? These news people will take all your hard work, hack it to shreds, and then not even give you the credit on top of that.
WADE: Yeah, that's true. But maybe this could be the start of something new for me. Alasdair will recognize my work, and he might be impressed enough to let me join his show. I could become a star.
Dissolve into a fantasy sequence where Wade is the guest of a late-night talk show hosted by Alasdair Wilkins.
ALASDAIR WILKINS: So, Wade, you are the youngest person in history to receive the Nobel Prize. How does that make you feel?
WADE: Well, Alasdair, I feel blessed because every day is like a new adventure. But tonight, the real prize is getting a chance to appear on your show.
The live audience erupts in cheers and clapping.
ALASDAIR WILKINS: Get this boy a pie! Bake him his favorite pie and send him home with it!
Wade then begins flexing his muscles and salutes the crowd as they clap loudly. Cut to the present day where Wade is flexing and saluting to no one in particular as the kids watch him with confusion.
JAYLYNN: What the hell is he doing?
BUSTER: If it's not angel dust, I have no idea.
SCENE 19
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
Wade is at the booth writing in his notepad and tapping the pad with his pencil.
WADE: Story ideas. I need something to grab people. What's good enough that Alasdair Wilkins will read it live on the air?
Wade looks around and sees people eating ice cream.
WADE: Hmmm. Ice cream. Community. The communal joy that ice cream brings the people of Seattle. No, that's too fluffy. Come on, Wade, if you're going to be the world's hottest scientist journalist in twenty years, you better elevate your game now!
Wade sees someone choking at a nearby booth and rushes over to him.
WADE: DON'T WORRY, I'LL SAVE YOU, SIR!
MAN: Huh?
Wade tries to give the man the Heimlich maneuver, but he continues trying to get away from Wade until he is pinned down.
WADE: Sir, will you calm down? I'm trying to help you!
MAN: I WAS COUGHING, YOU STUPID KID!
WADE: What?
MAN: I was just clearing my damn throat. What kind of parents do you have?
WADE: I'm sorry, sir, it really looked like you were choking.
MAN: Well, I wasn't, so get away from me.
WADE: Okay, it's fine, I'm sorry.
MAN: I had scoliosis when I was in high school! You want it to flare up again?!
WADE: Alright, now, you're just trying to play the victim here.
SCENE 20
The Chachinski Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Wade is sitting next to Adriana sometime later.
WADE: This is a nightmare. Alasdair Wilkins needs a hard-hitting piece of journalistic perfection and I don't have anything worth submitting.
ADRIANA: Come on, you're the smartest guy in the world. I'm sure you have some cool stories.
WADE: Well, I have two so far.
ADRIANA: Let me hear them.
WADE: You'll hate them and then you're going to break up with me.
ADRIANA: They can't be that bad.
WADE: Well, um...with the first story, I-I found out that...that Woody replaced the faucet in the boy's bathroom at Ike's. Should increase water efficiency by thirty percent.
ADRIANA: Sounds informative.
WADE: And in the other one, I found out about this new machine where you can trade in your old, nasty coins for cash. It puts a new spin on the value of money.
Beat.
ADRIANA: I don't think this relationship is working out anymore.
WADE: See, I told you!
ADRIANA: I'm kidding. Look, you're overthinking it. There's plenty of great material in Seattle, you just have to look for it.
WADE: Please. There's a better chance of the Mariners winning the AL West than me finding a good story.
ADRIANA: It could be worse. You could have kids getting sick from mold like they are at my school.
WADE: Wait, what?
ADRIANA: Yeah, there's a crazy mold crisis at school. Everybody's getting sick because mold is growing on the walls and there are paint chips too. One kid went to the hospital because he thought they were cool ranch Doritos, but I don't think anybody's going to do anything about it.
WADE: Wait, Adriana, you just gave me a dynamite story!
ADRIANA: Are you sure? Who wants to watch something about mold?
WADE: Believe me, they will. This story is going to change hearts and minds. All I need to do is come to your school tomorrow and get the inside info.
ADRIANA: Okay, cool. But be careful. Sometimes, they beat up kids that aren't from the school.
WADE: Why?
ADRIANA: I don't know, a gang mentality? It's not like I'm a part of it...anymore.
SCENE 21
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
A couple days later, the kids have gathered to see the latest edition of "Good News."
SPARKY: I can't believe Alasdair Wilkins picked your story, Wade.
WADE: Actually, he's going to announce the winning story right now.
BUSTER: So what if you don't win? Are you going to cry?
WADE: No. Why would I cry?
BUSTER: Because that's what you did when the Patriots won the Super Bowl.
WADE: No, those were tears of joy.
BUSTER: Oh. Then I guess it was just me crying and screaming that the end was near.
JAYLYNN: Hey, it's starting!
(The instrumental to "I'm Not Going Out Like That" begins playing as Wilkins is shown preparing the papers at his desk.)
ALASDAIR WILKINS: Good evening, everybody, my citizens of Seattle. Welcome to your host of Good News with Alasdair Wilkins, Alasdair Wilkins. Wait, what did that teleprompter just say?
The kids all cover their face with their hands out of disbelief as Wade remains excited.
ALASDAIR WILKINS: Anyway, I made it clear on one of my recent broadcasts that I was going to choose one news story brought in by a child between the ages of 7 and 12 to read live on the air. There were many excellent submissions, but at the end of the day, I had to go with my heart. This story was gritty, it was shocking, and it represented journalistic skills beyond the writer's years. This little piece was written by Seattle's own Gary Scahiri. He is nine years old and he currently attends David Zuckerman Elementary School.
WADE: Damn, really?
SPARKY: I'm sorry, Wade. If it means anything, I loved your mold story. I couldn't put down my copy. You know, until I spilled juice all over it and had to throw it out.
WADE: It's okay. If mine didn't win, I had to have overestimated my skills. Gary's story will probably get coverage from national media outlets after this.
ALASDAIR WILKINS: The following story is called "The Cat That Couldn't Get Down."
WADE: Huh?
RK: Maybe it's a metaphor for something.
ALASDAIR WILKINS: "Two months ago, while I was playing baseball with my friends in the street, my pet cat Fritz was trapped in the highest tree on the block. Fritz had been up high trees before and gotten down with ease, but this time, he was petrified. I want to believe he remembered something terrible while he was up there. I couldn't even focus on my swing knowing that Fritz wasn't moving. I ran into the house and called the fire department while my friends encouraged Fritz to get down. I was worried I would never see him again as I started dialing the number. But at the moment, Fritz got down the tree and we were all happy. It was cool because I thought he would never get down. But somehow, some way, Fritz got down." Reach for the stars, Gary. Reach for the stars.
Beat.
RK: What kind of f*** shit was that?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, CNN's definitely going to break down that kid's door.
WADE: I can't believe this. I wrote about a real problem affecting kids and they ended up going with a fluff piece?!
BUSTER: Fluff piece? That story was amazing.
SPARKY: Amazing how?
BUSTER: It had everything. Characters, callbacks, descriptive language, scene building, themes. There was even a little message at the end. Sometimes, you might not think you can get down. But there's no tree too high, no monster too scary, no challenge too hard when you believe in yourself. My hands are shaking!
Beat.
JAYLYNN: I'm going home.
A bored Jaylynn gets off the couch and walks out of the house.
SPARKY: Don't worry, Wade. These people just don't have good taste.
RK: Yeah. See, this right here? This is why I don't take the news seriously.
Sparky and RK leave the house at that point. Wade stares at Buster as his hands continue shaking.
WADE: You wanna leave after you come down from whatever this is?
BUSTER: Thank you for caring about me.
SCENE 22
Good News Studio
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
The next day, Wade and Adriana are walking into the studio that produces "Good News" to confront Alasdair Wilkins.
ADRIANA: Wade, are you sure this is a good idea?
WADE: At best, it's a decent idea. But I don't have an alternative. If I just talk to Alasdair, maybe I can convince him to read my story on the air.
Wade and Adriana walk over to the receptionist's area.
WADE: I'm here to see Alasdair Wilkins.
RECEPTIONIST: Everybody's here to see Alasdair. Do you have an appointment?
WADE: No, but I don't need one. I just need him for five minutes so I can get my story a placement on tonight's show.
RECEPTIONIST: Look, kid, we got plenty of submissions for that story contest. You can't harass a local celebrity just because you think your piece should have won.
ADRIANA: Listen, lady, this story is really important. Are you going to sit there and deny a Make-A-Wish kid?
RECEPTIONIST: What?
ADRIANA: My boyfriend Wade has a disease in his bones that causes him to stop growing completely at the age of ten. Everywhere he goes, people are going to confuse him for Gary Coleman or that other little kid that looked like Gary Coleman.
RECEPTIONIST: Well, that may be the case, but...
ADRIANA: John Cena took time out of his busy schedule to see Wade in the hospital. Do you know how many championships he's won? And now, you're telling me some little news reporter is too good for a sick kid?
Beat.
RECEPTIONIST: He's in his dressing room. I'll let him know that you're coming.
SCENE 23
Good News Studio
Seattle, Washington
Wade and Adriana are standing by Alasdair's dressing room.
WADE: You're amazing, you know that?
ADRIANA: Nah, not really. I'm surprised you knew what I was doing.
WADE: The minute you said "Make-A-Wish kid," I didn't have to question it. Now, it's time for everybody to know the truth about your moldy school.
ADRIANA: You make it sound so gross.
WADE: But isn't it?
ADRIANA: Yeah, it is.
The kids walk into the dressing room and see Alasdair talking to himself.
ALASDAIR WILKINS: Come on, Al, you can do this. This is your night. Who's the big daddy? Huh? Who is it? It's you. You're the big daddy for life.
WADE: Mr. Wilkins?
Alasdair screams as he turns to see Wade and Adriana.
ALASDAIR WILKINS: Oh yeah, Millie said you were coming in. What do you need? My pre-show routines are critical.
WADE: I just wanted an opportunity to get my story read on tonight's show. If you can talk about a cat stuck in a tree, you can definitely talk about kids getting sick from eating lead paint.
ALASDAIR WILKINS: Lead paint? Kids, this is the news, not an episode of The Wire.
ADRIANA: How could you not care about a school filled with mold? People have to know about this!
ALASDAIR WILKINS: I can't accept unsolicited material. Well, not anymore. I can't go back to doing community service.
WADE: Mr. Wilkins, I'm one of your biggest fans. I've been watching your show every night for at least a year. Can't you make an exception?
ALASDAIR WILKINS: Look, kid, your story about children dying from mold and paint was fantastic. It was hard-hitting, it was juicy, and if it gets on the air, it might even turn some heads.
ADRIANA: So why didn't it win your little contest?
ALASDAIR WILKINS: It didn't fit the audience's sensibilities. It was too left when it should have went more right. It didn't represent the image of Good News.
WADE: But I thought journalism was about reporting the facts and making people uncomfortable.
ALASDAIR WILKINS: When you're young and hungry, yes. But there are certain topics you can't touch if you want to move up in this industry. I might have a shot at getting hired by CNN soon. I can't have anything on my show that will rock the boat.
WADE: So, you're a fraud?
ALASDAIR WILKINS: Of course not. I just know how to play the game. But if it's any consolation, I would love to offer you guys a prototype of the first-ever Alasdair Wilkins bobblehead. You get a chance to own one before it flies off the shelves of stores all across the city.
Alasdair begins making the bobblehead move.
ALASDAIR WILKINS: Eh? Doesn't this face look great next to Wolf Blitzer's?
Cut to a still image of Wade and Adriana being pissed.
SCENE 24
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That night, Wade and Adriana are on the couch in disbelief.
WADE: I can't believe I was moronic enough to think Alasdair Wilkins was any different from the average media person.
ADRIANA: You don't have to beat yourself up over it. You just really liked watching his show.
WADE: Yeah, but all the guys saw who he was. Even Buster saw it. Maybe it's because he was one of the few black reporters with his own show so there was a reason to support him. But he's just another overpaid celebrity with no principles.
ADRIANA: It just sucks how no one's going to get to see your story.
WADE: Maybe not. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I'm getting this story out there. Alasdair might not see the value in it, but someone else will. Then he'll be begging us for interviews.
ADRIANA: Good for you, Wade. So now what news show are you going to watch at night?
WADE: Eh, probably something on PBS. If they made Arthur, they have to have other good stuff there.
Cut to black.
("Purple" by Nas plays over the end credits)
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