Little bit of an angsty piece between our favorite couple. This takes place shortly after the gang returns from Neverland.
~The Last Ronin~
I shouldn't be driving right now. The thought comes from nowhere and I can't stop the strangled laugh that forces its way from my throat at the absurdity of it. It's true though, I can barely see the road between the rain and my…driving is the last thing I should be doing but I couldn't stay at home anymore.
Lightning flashes, briefly illuminating the stretch of road ahead and my foot slams on the brakes before my mind has even registered the deer in the middle of the road. I jerk on the wheel, swerving before I feel the tires slide and the tiny bug spins.
A loud whoosh fills my ears as water erupts around the car, jerking us to a stop as it goes dead. I grip the wheel tightly, my heart trying to beat its way out of my chest, and let out a breath I'd been holding. The air leaves my lips as a sob and I sag forward bonelessly, my forehead pressing against the wheel.
My tears flow freely now, following still-wet tracks down my cheeks. Another sob rips from my throat and I smash my hand against the wheel, trying to distract myself from the pain in my chest. Over and over my hand hits the wheel until heat blooms along my palm and blood seeps down my wrist. Shuddering, I examine the wound – an old scar that I've managed to tear open – and vaguely I realize that it's the wound that he…
Just like that I'm bawling again and I can't stop it. Franticly I try to build back the walls that protected me for so long but each time they crumble to dust the moment I feel like they might hold. Each time the ocean of grief I'm building against just pulls me down deeper.
With shaky hands I try to turn the key but no sound reaches my ears other than the rain pounding against the small vehicle. I try again and again but the car doesn't respond. It's lifeless…just like me.
x-x-x-x-x
I should be gone by now. That's what I had planned anyway. Nature, however, has other ideas it would seem and so I'm stuck here. My ship rocks violently beneath me but I barely notice it, from where I sit slumped against my cabin's wall. A bottle of rum dangles loosely from my fingers and I lift it to my lips to take a long pull. The bottle is empty though and with a curse I toss it aside where it rolls into an identical bottle, also drained.
With a groan I try to push myself to my feet so I can get another bottle but I can't find the strength and I slump back down. I suppose it's for the best; the alcohol wasn't working anyway. No matter how much of my favorite cure-all I consume, it just can't ease this pain in my chest.
"You're doing the right thing," I remind myself aloud for what must be the thousandth time. I'm fully aware that I'm trying to convince myself that it's true but, like the liquor, it's not really working.
I deserve this pain though, I know that. The look in her eyes when I told her I was leaving will haunt me till my dying day but it was the right thing to do. That hadn't made it any easier though and the single tear that slipped down her cheek nearly shattered my resolve. So I'd turned around and fled.
A laugh that's more of a sob falls from my lips. It would seem Baelfire was right about me all those years ago. I'm as much of a coward as the Crocodile. I should have stayed so she could vent the pain and anger that was surely coming. But I wouldn't have been able to stand by and do nothing, not when she was in pain – I'd never been able to before. If I had stayed, I never would have left and I had to leave.
Thunder booms almost directly overhead, sounding more like canons going off than anything else. Bloody weather – I was supposed to be miles out to sea before I had time to think about this; before I had time to entertain my selfish thoughts.
Another volley of thunder deafens me so I don't hear the door of my cabin fly open and smash into the wall. The only indication I have that I'm no longer alone is a flash of gold a split second before something hard smashes into the side of my face, sending me sprawling.
One of the bottles digs into my back painfully as I push myself upright and rub my jaw, trying to dispel the pain. I quickly forget about my jaw as I find myself staring into a pair of stormy green eyes.
My eyes slide away from her's, taking in wet hair plastered to her face. Water drips onto the floor from her soaked clothes that hug her every curve like a second skin; revealing more of her than I've ever seen. Despite myself I lick my lips and shift slightly to relieve pressure on a part of me that wants nothing more than to bend her over my desk and claim her – consequences be damned. Such and act would be meaningless though because in the end she still wouldn't be mine and I can't accept that. If I can't have all of her then it's better to just let her go before I know what I'd be missing.
A small, persistent, voice in the back of my head, however, tells me that it's already too late for that.
x-x-x-x-x
I glare at him, my entire body trembling though if it's from anger, pain or the cold I don't know. For several minutes I just stand there – more than a little relieved that he's still here – and I take the time to examine him. He looks slightly more disheveled than usual and he's been drinking – I can smell the rum on him and his eyes are glassy and red. My heart wrenches inside my chest though as I realize the alcohol isn't solely responsible for the appearance of his eyes; he's been crying.
What. The. Hell? He obviously doesn't want to do this so why is he…?
"Why?" I finally manage to get out, not liking how my voice breaks on that single word. Tears well up behind my eyes but I grit my teeth and hold them back.
"Why what?" he says, levering himself to his feet and it takes every ounce of my self control not to punch him again.
"Why couldn't you just leave me alone! Why did you have to make me feel, make me care again if you were just going to…," I scream at him and bash my fists against his chest, "I was doing just fine until you dropped into my life and turned it upside down!"
He lets me hit him, though I know he could easily stop me if he wanted, "I'm sorry lass, that wasn't what I intended to do but I didn't know and I can't do this again
"Know what?" I practically shriek and, despite my efforts, lose the battle with my tears. I hate acting this weak but it doesn't matter with him – it never did. He's always seen right through me.
"Baelfire," he whispers, his arms coming up to hold me back a step, "I destroyed his family once…I can't do that to him again."
"To Hell with Baelfire!" I snarl and push myself closer, "What, do you think you're going to leave and I'll just go running back to him? We were never a family!"
"Emma, I can't do that to him again," he repeats quietly.
"You didn't do it the first time!" I snap, my tears giving way to anger once more, "His mother chose to leave him, not you."
He doesn't answer and I can see that nothing I say will change his mind on this so I switch to a different tactic.
"How can you do this to me?" I ask in a low voice once I have my anger in check, "I let you in and you know! You know what it's like to be abandoned so how can you turn around and do this to me?"
My parents. Neal. Henry. They all had their reasons – good ones I'll even admit – but that doesn't do anything to ease the pain. How many more times am I going to have to go through this? How many more times must I have my heart broken? He's going to be the last straw, I know it – I won't survive this again.
"Is this payback for the beanstalk?" I ask, clutching at his jacket, "Is that why you're doing this to me?"
"Emma, no," his arms wrap around me, pulling me into his chest and I can't resist inhaling his wonderful scent – leather and salt water and rum -, "this isn't about payback."
"Then what? Make me understand," I plead but I'm starting to get the sense that he doesn't understand himself and I slide my arms around his waist to pull him closer.
"We're a lot alike, you and I," he says at last, "at first you were a distraction from the pain that had been my constant companion for hundreds of years. I never intended for any of this to happen. Then one morning in Neverland I woke up and the pain was all but gone and I realized it was because of you. And that scared me. I never thought I'd feel again what I feel for you."
I'm quiet, a bit stunned by his admission He'd always seemed so confident, it had never occurred to me that that confidence was as much a front as mine.
"The truth is Princess, that somewhere along the line, I fell in love with you and I didn't know what to do with that."
For a moment I'm unable to move before my lips curve up in a smile. I've suspected for a while now but it's the first time he's actually told me how he feels. It feels good and isn't nearly as terrifying as I thought it would be.
"You dumb Pirate," my smile gets even bigger, "I love you too and I'm never letting you go."
"I would despair if you did," he smirks as I pull him down to capture his lips with mine.