Title: Bless the Broken Road
Author: lyricalpeach
Summary: Ray's conversation and situation with Katey started my brain turning. After that, it churned on its own, in and out of the gutter. Spoilers for S13, Heart of the Matter and Jigsaw, future speculation. No ER action.
Rating: FRM. (you can read pretty far down without hitting it though)
Disclaimer: Without Prejudice. All the ER characters are property of NBC. No infringements of these copyrights are intended, and are used here without permission. Please don't sue me. The other words are my own. Please don't steal.
Notation: Ray's thoughts 'Neela's thoughts' Abby's thoughts Katey's thoughts (I'm not going to put Gates' thoughts in here.)
Chapter 1
Ugghh, that Crenshaw.. Poor Neela…
This is soo obvious.. Is she why you haven't called me?
Quick, a good excuse!! What are you talking about.. I've been very busy. I'm a doctor, that always works…
Lame excuse... It's okay, a few "who's your daddy"s doesn't make us a couple. Whatever.
Whoooaaaa! Whoa, whoa! This info is SO NOT for sharing!
No worries, it was good. Just not that good.
Now just wait a minute!! What in the hell is that supposed to mean?
You have to move your hips, honey. I'm not toying with the Grateful Dead.
Defend yourself! I move my hips!
000
The gunshot wound victims finally stabilized, Ray headed toward the lounge for a break. Now that he wasn't focused on saving lives for the moment, his mind wandered back to his conversation just before he got pulled away.
The Grateful Dead?! Do I seem that desperate, and lifeless? Who knew she could reduce me to this…my sexual prowess diminished to just good. Maybe the dampening effect on his ability to perform in the bedroom really was happening… too many subtle and not-so-subtle fantasies about a certain British doctor always at the back of his mind starting to take a toll on him even enjoying sex? No way! Impossible… uh oh… Here goes my imagination again… I'm just a train car on a single track. A track named Neela Rasgotra.
Thank God! Neela wasn't there to hear that conversation. She would have first been frozen by Katey's suggestion, and been reminded of certain things… and then learned he was actually sleeping with Katey… and then probably snickered to herself about that comment, and then walked away... He had no idea what she would be thinking now.
She might not have been there, but she certainly was in his head. He had been doing everything he could to silence thoughts of reality.. what he was doing… using Katey… and failing to block out feelings for Neela. It's like she's nagging me from the inside. Back in the roomie days, she would have fallen over laughing at overhearing anything indicating he was less than incredible in bed and blackmailed him to no end. Sometimes it amazed him that he could miss her tricking him into cleaning the most grimy places in the apartment…
Then again, she'd brought him to his knees so slowly that he was still falling in slow motion. It was undeniable. It's unfair! I'm less than fully functioning anytime I'm not focusing on work. Oh no, no.. am I really admitting it? Oh, oh, here she comes..
"Hey Neela!" My standard greeting. Ray softened as he saw that Neela wasn't approaching with her usual confidence, although lately she hadn't been herself except in trauma. "You okay?"
Neela bit her lip. She wasn't sure she wanted to talk about this. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just came from the OR, I'm a bit worn out." 'Great avoiding, Neela!' she thought. She headed over to check on the ER consults, thinking about Dubenko's expression. She knew he was right, and that she'd lost his respect for her as a responsible person. No doubt Lucien now saw her as a whining child, and maybe she was.
Ray looked at her suspiciously. "Everything ok upstairs? Crenshaw's…" Ray peered around and bent down a bit to speak in a low voice. "Crenshaw's pretty down on you, isn't he?"
Neela less than deftly found her charts and began flipping through them. She wasn't ignoring Ray, but she couldn't look him in the eye. Anyway, she didn't need anyone to know Dubenko had put her in her place, that she had made another mistake. Seemed like she'd been making a bunch of mistakes recently…
Neela sighed. "I've got to take care of these consults." She paused and lowered her voice. "Crenshaw's my CR, and I've got a lot to learn. I better get going." She glanced quickly up at Ray and caught his eye. "See you later."
"Okay." Ray watched her as she headed off to see patients. He wondered what happened. It couldn't have been anything that serious, though. He would have felt a deeper concern if there were something really bothering her. Neela knew how to mask her feelings, something he could never seem to do, but he'd trained himself to see beyond that mask and wasn't too worried.
He finished headed to the lounge for a quick break. It concerned him more that she still wasn't ready to come to him if she did need to talk. He was feeling like an impatient child, having eaten his bitter vegetables, declared he didn't like them and was still being forced to eat them at every meal.
Ray wished she would start coming around. He'd been waiting six months now, and it was getting harder. Not only that, the person he'd become liked even less that he let himself get involved with Katey. Neela had played a big role in drawing out the man in him, and now he was reverting, using Katey as a crutch to alleviate physical tension… which he was using to try to escape the suffering his emotions brought on every time his mind wasn't on work. Sleeping with Katey hadn't taken his mind off of Neela though, not even when he was physically over the edge. All it did was to numb his mind for about 5-10 seconds, after which his guilt flooded his heart, because the name he said was Katey, but the name written on his heart that his mind was screaming, wasn't.
000
Ugh. Ugh. pausing UGH! Did I really just see that? What the heck?!
So THAT'S how she was going to be? Guess she's over Gallant, if she's jumping Gates! Ray couldn't believe he'd just seen… THAT! He was about ready to vomit. If Neela was so caught up in herself that she was going after Gates… Ha, there she is, and Katey… Fix her!
"Hey, can I speak to you for a second?" Ray stood at the head of the triangle created by Neela, Katey and himself with the patient in his bed in the middle.
The moment Neela saw Ray coming, she continued talking to the patient and signaled to him that she saw him. 'I'm busy, Ray, just wait a minute.' Katey barely looked up.
Of course, Neela assumes I'm talking to her! She's got some nerve (finally, anyway!) to stand there like nothing's going on! Seems like Katey thinks I'm here to see Neela, too, she's not even looking at me.
"I… wasn't actually talking to you," he said to Neela. Surprised, aren't you?
Katey looked up. She was a little surprised to get Ray's attention but didn't let it show.
"Oh, um, okay, go ahead.. I'll uh, just get started." Neela was a bit taken aback and somehow got out the words.
Katey stepped away from the patient and looked at Ray expectantly. So…?
Neela glanced over at them for a moment, but busied herself again with the patient before she could think too much about it.
Some words of friendly chatting passed between them. Ray hadn't asked anyone out in a long time – he had slept with Katey, but she'd done the initiating. "So… do you.. like hockey?" Katey sure knew how to keep him in his place, teasing in a way that had him believe she was turning him down, before agreeing.
Ray left, and Katey came back over. "S'Everything alright?" Neela asked.
"Yeah, let's get to work," Katey answered.
'Hum. So Ray came to see Katey. Wonder what they were talking about.. probably a date.' Of course she had thought Ray was coming to see her, as usual. Neela wrinkled her forehead just a bit. She wasn't sure why it seemed to matter – maybe she really was so accustomed to being the focus of Ray's attention that seeing him chat with Katey about a date… 'I'm not jealous! Anyway, I've got to meet Tony later.' She pushed the picture of them chatting where she couldn't quite hear everything out of her head.
000