Loving
This story is dedicated to my best friend Selena, as a present for her birthday. Happy birthday, Selena, I hope that you like your present!
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. I have too much of an obsession with writing about Sasuke and Sakura for the series to manage to still be called 'Naruto.' I also do not own The Books of Pellinor, by Allison Croggon.
"Love is never easy… We begin by loving the things we can, according to our stature. But it is not long before we find that what we love is other than ourselves, and that our love is no protection against being wounded. Do we then seek to dominate what we love, to make it bend to our will, to stop it from hurting us, even though to do so is to betray love? And that is only where the difficulty begins." (Quoted from page 46 of The Riddle, by Allison Croggon, which is an awesome book that you should all read. The quote above inspired this story, so I thought that I should include it.)
Begin story:
The first pale fingers of dawn filtered through the bedroom window, chasing away the shadows of the night. Uchiha Sasuke awakened, opening his fathomless onyx eyes to face the new day. Beside him, the spot where his wife, Sakura, slept was already empty.
He felt a brief flicker of annoyance that she hadn't waited for him to wake, as she had done in the early days of their marriage. She used to say that those few minutes where she could watch him sleep, all traces of anger and hate driven from his face, making it appear vulnerable and oddly peaceful, were precious to her, reminding her how fortunate she was that he had finally fallen in love with her. No more did she do this. Now, whenever he awakened, the spot beside him was already empty, the warmth left over from Sakura's body already fading, just as their love had begun to fade.
When was it that their love had begun to fade? He could not remember. It wasn't really something that had suddenly happened. Rather, it had begun long ago, and they had only recently begun to realize it.
Angrily, he pushed the thought out of his head, moving to get dressed. He had another mission for ANBU today, an S-ranked assignment to spy on Otogakure Village; he could not afford distractions. Emerging from their bedroom a few minutes later, clad in his ANBU uniform and prepared for his mission, Sasuke proceeded to the kitchen of the Uchiha Mansion.
Sakura awaited him there.
She looked much the same as she always had. Her pink locks were still cut short, as they had been since Sasuke told her that he liked it better that way. Her porcelain skin seemed to shimmer with vitality, speaking of her miraculous ability to heal any wound she may receive in battle to the point of invisibility. Gazing at her back, Sasuke could almost pretend that things were still peaceful and loving between them as it had been during his first few days back, when Sakura had sat beside him in the hospital every day to make sure that he was recovering alright, singing softly to him and healing his every wound. It was only when she turned to face him, forcing Sasuke to look into her sea green eyes, that he could see any trace of the heartbreak she had gone through. In her eyes was none of the laughter or happiness that used to sparkle so plainly in them. Instead, there was the shadow of an unspoken pain, grief that was always present and yet never cried over. Bitterly, Sasuke reflected that he should feel pleased with his efforts. After all, the one who had done this to her… was him.
When he first came back from killing Itachi, he had finally realized the great purpose of his life, and he was now free. Free to return, free to live, and free to allow some of his emotions, those besides the hatred that had been so potent during his youth, to grow and manifest. And he had begun this by acknowledging his love for Haruno Sakura.
She had loved him too, and they had been happy together. He never wanted to let go of her, never wanted to allow her to be taken from him. He had already lost his entire family. He wouldn't be able to stand losing Sakura as well. In response to this feeling, within Sasuke sprung a fierce protectiveness of the one he loved, and a refusal to allow any harm to befall her. That same desire, the desire to protect Sakura from harm, was what had led to her, and by extension his, undoing.
It had started with little things. Protecting her on missions, becoming increasingly protective when she was hurt, small things that were actually rather sweet, and Sakura enjoyed that he was finally warming up to her a little. Then he began to realize the potential of losing her to someone else; after all, she was a very popular woman. He would not have been able to bear it if that happened, even if the person she left to be with was someone he only wanted the best for, like Naruto. At odd times, Sasuke would lash out at her in expression of these fears, becoming inexplicably harsh with her. Unable to find another reason for his sudden anger, Sakura blamed herself for these temper tantrums, shouldering the guilt on top of any physical blows and harsh words that Sasuke would rain upon her. This suffering on her part continued to increase as Sasuke's attacks became more frequent; the burdens he placed upon her strengthening his belief that she would soon decide to leave him. Still she would sit beside him whenever he asked her to, and dutifully tell him that she loved him and would never leave him. Even while he shouted at her, telling her how much he despised her, she would try to comfort him and ease his pain, the way she alone had been able to ever since they were Genin.
Now, she didn't even try anymore. He no longer lashed out at her, for her beaten appearance had driven away any chance that another would love her. But the damage had been done. The broken woman that sat before him was merely a pathetic shell of the Haruno Sakura he had fallen in love with all those years ago. Still, she had stayed. Even though he had given her every reason to leave, she had stayed.
He felt her gaze on him as he crossed the kitchen to his chair. Her haunted eyes still stared at him as he sat down, choosing to face the table rather than face her and be forced to see her eerie stare.
"Why, Sakura?" he asked suddenly, looking up at her with a fevered look in his eyes. "Why have you stayed with me all this time, when I've never treated you as finely as you deserve? Naruto would have been kind to you; he loved you once, before he truly met Hinata. He would have married you in a heartbeat, had you asked. There was Lee as well, and countless others. Why did you choose to remain with me, the man who is probably the least deserving of you?"
For a heartbeat, he thought that she wouldn't answer. She turned to the kitchen window, staring out with a forlorn look in her eye.
"I don't know, Sasuke-kun. I just don't know. It's just… I've never felt that I could leave here. I can't explain it." She dropped her gaze to the floor as she finished, as though embarrassed that she had confided in him so. She probably assumed that he would think her weak for being so cowardly as to fear leaving a man who treated her so harshly. However, Sasuke had no harsh feelings about her decision. No matter how harshly he may treat her, Sakura was his. She was his Sakura, and he would be heartbroken if she ever decided to leave him. She was all that he had left in the world.
Looking at her pitiful expression now, Sasuke felt a deep regret stirring within him. He had not meant to bring such pain upon her. He had just been so afraid of the idea of losing her, and he had misdirected that fear into fury at Sakura. She didn't deserve for him to treat her like this.
Mentally he shook himself. Would he lose all his pride here, over this girl? He was an Uchiha, and Uchiha did not plead for forgiveness. He could start to be a little warmer towards his wife, though. Yes, he would do that; starting as soon as he got back from his mission, he would be nicer to Sakura. She deserved it.
That thought reassuring him, Sasuke exited the mansion, without once looking back at his wife or saying any words of farewell to her.
If he had looked back, he would have noticed the single pearly tear that fell from her jade eye onto the wooden floor, leaving a darker spot of wet on the otherwise spotless ground. A small sob escaped Sakura's lips once the door had shut behind him, forever unheard by the rest of the world.
"Have a nice day… Sasuke-kun."
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Sasuke closed the door behind him, attempting to shake off the feeling that he at least should have said goodbye to her. He was Uchiha Sasuke, for Kami's sake; he didn't give words of parting! His idea of telling a girl who had just confessed her undying love for him that he cared about her as well was to thank her before knocking her out and running off to join some creepy old snake guy with a disturbingly long tongue. Despite all this, the feeling of guilt in his chest didn't go away. Not to be deterred by such trivial things as a conscience (he'd more than mastered the ability to ignore it during his stay with previously stated creepy old snake guy with a disturbingly long tongue), Sasuke furiously shook his head to clear it, before turning towards the direction Tsunade's office, where a new mission awaited him. Hopefully the danger of the task he was to be set would be sufficient to keep him from dwelling on unpleasant thoughts about the way that he treated Sakura.
His famous temper already being tested, Sasuke kicked a pebble as he walked, the unpleasant feeling of guilt nagging at him. Stupid conscience, it had to pick right now to begin to exist.
No one called out greetings to the head of the Uchiha clan, or stopped to chat with him about the weather. By now, everyone in the village could recognize the signs that Sasuke's temper was manifesting, and knew enough to allow him to pass undisturbed. (Well, Naruto still had yet to figure this out, but he didn't count. There was a reason that one of Sasuke's nicknames for his best friend was 'idiot.')
With Sasuke's naturally fast walking pace, he soon arrived at the Hokage mansion (though not soon enough for his liking; he still had had ample time to dwell on how harsh he had been treating Sakura lately). Without even bothering to knock, he entered Tsunade's office, displaying none of the internal shock that he felt to find his ANBU team already assembled. The blonde Hokage looked up at him, too used to Sasuke's lack of what most people call 'common courtesy' to be effected by the idea of him barging in unannounced. She noted the obvious signs of his temper, as did Neji and Shikamaru, two of Sasuke's ANBU teammates. The other member of the cell, who was only an ANBU until his promotion to Hokage was finalized, was completely oblivious, however. But what else can you expect from Uzumaki Naruto?
"You're late, Teme!" he cried, pointing an accusing finger in Sasuke's direction, much like he used to do to Kakashi years ago, when they had been Genin subordinates of the notoriously tardy Jounin. If Sasuke had not been in such a foul mood, he would have smirked at the irony. As it was, he merely glared at the blond knucklehead, radiating a murderous intent that made everyone else in the room shudder. Before Naruto could do anything else stupid, Tsunade began her description of the mission, trying to keep her future successor from being killed by the ill-tempered Uchiha.
"ANBU Team Seven," she addressed the assembled group. All four of the shinobi perked up at this; even Shikamaru was interested for once. "Your mission is to spy on Otogakure Village. You are not to go looking for battles, though if you are attacked you are more than welcome to fight back. However, you must be cautious. Rumors are that Kabuto has merged his body with the remains of Orochimaru. We do not yet know if Orochimaru has succeeded in taking over his body, but it is only a matter of time until this happens. No unnecessary risks. Do you understand?"
"Hai, Tsunade-sama."
"Yeah, yeah. How troublesome."
"I understand Tsunade-baa-chan, dattebayo!"
"Aa."
"Alright then, dismissed!" With that, the four ANBU disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving the office empty but for the Hokage.
"Shizune, bring me today's lottery. I want to see how I did." A groan of 'Tsunade-sama, not again' could be heard as Shizune's footsteps drew near. The black haired medic stepped into her master's presence, the results of that day's lottery clutched in her hand and a frown upon her face. She really did wish that her teacher could overcome her addiction to gambling. It wasn't like she ever won anything.
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Sasuke pushed off a branch, leaping into the air alongside his comrades, his earlier temper driven from him by the thrill of a new mission. He was a little like Naruto in that way; all negativity vanished once he had a mission to occupy his thoughts. The blond was slightly behind him, the way Sasuke liked it. It was after all his squad, due to the simple fact that Naruto would be leaving it shortly to assume the role of Hokage. (Sasuke preferred not to think of how it would be if the blond hadn't had his lifelong ambition to aspire to. Being under Naruto's direct command in a squad was something that he would never have been able to tolerate. He could, however, handle the idea of his friend becoming Hokage, as long as he still wasn't expected to show respect to Naruto or anything. There was only so much you could ask of a guy, after all.)
"Sasuke," said Neji, the Hyuuga moving beside him. He wore his mask, as all ANBU did on missions, but Sasuke felt certain that beneath it his Byakugan was active. "Directly ahead of us, by about two kilometers, are eight shinobi of the Sound. They appear to be unaware of our presences at the moment, though that shouldn't last for long. We'll be forced to a fight, no doubt about it." Beneath his mask, Sasuke smirked. He could sense Naruto's grin as well, and even Shikamaru's usual aura of boredom had been replaced with some anticipation. A fight was exactly what his team needed.
"You all know what to do," he informed his squad, activating his Sharingan as he spoke.
"Yes, sir!" Naruto shouted, saluting him.
"Troublesome," Shikamaru muttered at the blond's antics, shaking his head with amusement at their friend's immaturity. Even as an ANBU, Naruto was still Naruto.
With a final smirk of amusement at how Naruto still failed to grow up, Sasuke leapt away from his teammates as the squad scattered. He knew without checking on them that each of them was preparing their own attack for the waiting Otonin. Sharingan active, Sasuke moved in closer, readying his chakra to perform the Chidori at a moment's notice.
This was what he had spent his whole life training for.
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Tsunade doubled checked the numbers listed on the paper Shizune had given her with the ones on her ticket, her amber eyes wide with shock. 96172, 96172. They matched. She had won.
"Shizune," she called, a trace of panic making its way into her voice. "Send a medic after that ANBU team I just sent. I have a feeling that they'll need it."
"Hai, Tsunade-sama," Shizune responded, already rushing off to do her master's bidding. Shizune had long known that her master only won at any form of gambling as a prophecy of ill fortune. She only hoped that the warning had not come too late.
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Sasuke ducked under the swipe of a kunai knife, cursing. It had been an ambush; instead of the eight Otonin that his squad had been prepared to face, there had to be at least forty enemy ninja here. The Konoha ANBU's skills were by far superior, but even still the odds were overwhelmingly against them. In this now drastically changed battle, they were forced to fight off up to ten different attacks at the same time, instead of the two they had been prepared for. All the talent in the world was useless when the odds became too high against you.
Across the battlefield, he heard Shikamaru cry out in pain as he was hit yet again. The Nara was fairing the worst out of all of them; his Kagemane no Jutsu was a midrange technique, and this was a close range battle. None of the others were fairing much better: Naruto was bleeding from numerous gashes, the Kyuubi's chakra unable to heal all of them at the same time; Neji's Byakugan had been restricted after his eye had been slashed by an enemy kunai, leaving him vulnerable to many attacks, including a second kunai that had nearly taken him out through his blind spot; and Sasuke himself was scarcely standing, having used up most of his chakra on a Chidori designed to take out the two opponents that he had believed he would have. Even to the most optimistic, any chance they had of winning was getting slimmer by the moment. Instead, their priority now was to take as many of them with them as they could.
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Sakura leapt through the trees as fast as she could without using up unnecessary amounts of chakra. The other medics accompanying her had repeatedly cautioned her to slow down, saying that she shouldn't push her body so hard if she hoped to have any strength remaining to heal the ANBU upon their arrival, but she paid them no mind. She had to make it in time, she just had to. Sasuke and Naruto were counting on her, and Neji and Shikamaru as well. She couldn't fail them. She had spent ten years training as a medic nin; there was no way that she could fall short now, when the people in danger were those she cared about most.
Sakura bit her lip, a troubled expression on her face. The truth was, even though Sasuke treated her like dirt, even though he had not said one kind thing to her in months, even though now he was only a shadow of the man she had fallen in love with all those years ago, she had never stopped thinking of him as one of the people dearest to her. No matter what he may do to her, in her heart he would always be her Sasuke-kun, the one that she loved and could never stay mad at. Throughout her youth, during her first bittersweet year as a kunoichi, Sasuke had always been there to save her when she was in danger. Now, he needed her to save him, and she couldn't bear the thought that she might be too late.
Please, Kami-sama, let me make it in time!
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Sasuke cried out in pain as a wall of earth cannoned into him, pushing him painfully backwards several feet. He heard as well as felt the cracking of several of his ribs fracturing, and suppressed with great difficulty the desire to scream again. He coughed, some of his blood coming out to stain the dirt floor a sticky crimson. Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, the Uchiha turned to face his opponent. It seemed that every time he took one down, another rose to take their place. This new one was a Douton user, judging by their choice use of the earth wall he had just been hit with.
He smirked, the small movement of his facial muscles causing him to wince in pain from the wounds that he had received to his usually flawless countenance. Still, he could not help but appreciate the irony of his situation. Here he was, facing someone whose earth would be helpless against his lightning, if he weren't so horribly weakened that using the chakra necessary to perform the technique would probably leave him either dead or dying.
Across the clearing, Shikamaru fell, wounded fatally through the heart. (Sorry to any Shikamaru lovers, but he's the most expendable one here. Naruto has to become Hokage and Sasuke's starring, and Neji is one of my other favorite characters, so I had to kill Shika. Again, I apologize to anyone that likes him. Feel free to sub in Neji here if it really upsets you; our Hyuuga friend doesn't do too much during the rest of the story.) Sasuke felt a small pang in his heart at the death of his comrade, though he was too preoccupied with his own battle to properly grieve at the moment. However, Shikamaru's death forced him to realize the very real possibility that he would die here. In fact, it was more of a probability than a possibility. There was no reason to hold back. It was the Chidori, then.
The Uchiha gathered his chakra into the palm of his right hand, converting it into lightning as he did so. The electricity gave off the chirping sound for which it had been named, casting a blue light over his features. Uchiha Sasuke would die here. The idea gave him a sick comfort.
The fearlessness granted by the certainty of his death spurring him on, he charged forward at the Sound ninja, his Chidori blazing as he poured all of his remaining chakra into this one final blow. Uchiha Sasuke would die here, but he would not go out without a fight!
Several things happened at once, appearing to those involved to occur in the slow motion of all major action scenes in the movies.
Sasuke's Chidori struck, slicing straight through his target and into the man behind him.
Naruto used his Fuuton: Rasenshuriken to demolish five Otonin with one blow.
Neji struck at his opponents with his Hakke Hyaku Nijuhachi Sho (Eight Trigrams One Hundred Twenty-Eight Palms; I had to look that up to know how to say it in Japanese, please tell me if that's wrong so I can fix it), incapacitating or killing nearly twenty shinobi in the space of a few minutes.
They all watched each other's successes out of the corner of their eye, hearts soaring that their teammates were also making their final stand a fight to remember. Sasuke found himself wishing that Sakura could see them then; he knew that she would be proud, no matter her recent feelings towards him.
Time appeared to return to its normal speed as they fell. Hard, unforgiving ground rushed up to meet them, bringing new aches to broken bones and stinging dirt into open wounds. Sasuke collapsed, nearly all of his chakra gone, feeling the now familiar stabs of pain as the marks of the curse seal spread over his body like fire. Painfully, he turned his suddenly heavy head to face his also dying companions. Naruto had the same idiotic grin Sasuke had seen countless times before.
"We did it, Sasuke-teme. We beat them," his best friend managed to gasp out before passing out, his face planted firmly in the dirt. Beside Naruto, Neji nodded, lacking the necessary strength to do anything else.
"Uchiha: in the end, we are equals," the Hyuuga prodigy told him before passing out as well. If Sasuke had not been so tired, he would have smirked that he and Neji had finally managed to forget their differences and die as friends. It was one of the few comforts that he would be able to take with him to the next life.
I never did get to… treat Sakura better, his tired mind bitterly reflected. Perhaps this was his punishment for ignoring his conscience this morning. Now, he would never have that chance to treat Sakura better. He would die here, the last of the Uchiha. Somehow, now that the time had finally come for that to pass, he had lost the calm acceptance of it that he had managed to maintain throughout most of his life. He had always known that he would die in battle, and there was a very real possibility that that battle would occur while he was still young. He had just never thought that it would be this one. Now that it was, it seemed that the end had come too soon.
Even in the end, his thoughts mainly comprised not of shattered dreams of restoring the Uchiha clan, but of a certain girl, with cherry blossom pink hair… and the words that he would never again be able to tell her, the words that he knew could have saved her much of the heartache he had forced her through. In the impossible chance that she would somehow hear, and know that he was thinking of her as he died, he spoke them aloud now.
"Sakura… I love you."
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He never fully lost consciousness. Throughout the entire ordeal, a small part of Sasuke was still aware of his surroundings. His eyes were closed, but he could still feel the hard ground beneath him, he could still here the voices surrounding him. He could feel when the aches and pains from his wounds began to ease, and it was this easing of pain that eventually prompted him to open his eyes and fully regain his awareness of the world.
He groaned as his eyelids slowly eased open, revealing his dark orbs and bringing blinding amounts of sunlight into his vision, nearly forcing him to close his eyes again. He resisted the temptation, however, refusing to show weakness to whoever had found him, even though the fact that they had healed his wounds suggested that they were a friend.
Painfully, he levered himself into a sitting position, wincing at the pain in the wounds still unhealed. The person healing him ceased their actions to attempt to push him back down, telling him gently that he shouldn't try to move yet. He identified the voice with a jolt of surprise, obeying its command in his shock. The person who healed him so tenderly, who appeared so completely concerned for his wellbeing was Sakura, the same Sakura that he had refused to even say goodbye to that very morning. Why was she here? …Why did she care?
"Rest now, Sasuke-kun," she commanded him, tender concern evident in her voice. Gently, she closed his eyes, her soft touch communicating the love that had been so absent from their relationship these past few months. Sasuke allowed her to do this without displaying any signs of protest, save for one word.
"Why?" he asked as the darkness of true sleep began to reclaim him. Allowing himself to drift down into the comfortable blackness, he almost didn't hear her reply.
"Because I love you."
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Sakura gazed tenderly at Sasuke's still form as he slept, the marks of his curse already receding as his resting body regained some of its strength. The two other medics that had accompanied her had already dealt with the injuries of Naruto and Neji, leaving her free to handle her husband. It was odd, really. Just this morning, she had thought of Sasuke as her jailer, her oppressor, the one who denied her her freedom. And yet, from the minute that Shizune had told her that his squad would be attacked, any enmity that she felt for him had been driven from her, replaced by an almost blinding fear that she would lose him. When she had seen him lying on the ground, as still as the dead, her heart had almost stopped in the fear that she had lost her Sasuke-kun. It had been relief beyond words to find that he was still alive.
She had thought she hated him. She had had every reason to hate him. He had used her like a toy, and left her broken. He'd promised her the world, and then he had laughed in her face while watching her happiness shatter. And yet, through it all, she had still loved him. It had been just a tiny bit, a small piece of her that she had tried to deny these last few months, yet it had been there all the same. No matter what Sasuke had done to her, no matter how harshly she had been treated, she had still loved him. She would never be able to stop having those feelings for him.
She was his Sakura.
And she loved him…
And he loved her.
-Owari-
A/N: I'm a little unsure about this: do I write too much about Sasuke and Sakura? I really want you to answer that question, because I want to know if I need to think of new ideas. An apology to those of you who think I do, it's just what I naturally come up with, and those are the two characters who I can most easily relate to. I come up with this stuff really often, and I want to know if you all think that I need to spend a little more time on these, instead of just posting stuff almost every week. See, I could think of stuff for other characters and pairings, but it would take me longer than this stuff does. I want to know if you want me to take that little while longer, rather that just post so many SasukeXSakura stories. Please actually respond this, because otherwise I won't know what you all think, and it's really frustrating to post stuff if everyone's getting sick of me writing it. (I was trying to work on how much angst I put into this story; please tell me how you think I did on that as well.)