Guilt
By: jelliclesoul635
Summary: This is a bit of extra for my previous fic 'Missing You'. These are just some of the remaining thoughts in Munkustrap's mind on the loss of his beloved queen.
A/N: If you have not yet viewed, 'Missing You', this could seem a bit confusing. But it wouldn't take a brain scientist to fit the pieces together!
Disclaimer: I do not own CATS.
I know I told myself that there would come a day when I would no longer be missing you . . .
But that moment just refuses to arrive.
You see, I have to bare the guilt of your death everyday. I cannot seem to forgive myself for letting you go out into the rain that morning . . . that dreadful morning.
It was on that morning that my life had drastically changed forever. My kind and gentle soul is slowly withering into dust as the months continue to go by.
Every morning I get up and look over to the empty space next to me and think of you. It's the constant reminder that my life is a nightmare and just doesn't seem worth living anymore.
And the worst of it is, I think I'm beginning to forget how gorgeous your features are. Every day I find it increasingly difficult to picture you in my memory; your voice, your touch, your smell.
I miss everything about you; your funny moments, your silly quirks, and even the simple things like when you would tell me to be careful before leaving to patrol.
Jemima is the only thing I have now to remind me of you. But I cannot even look her in the eye without bursting into sobs. And I know it's distressing for her too; especially to witness me in this state of depression.
And what hurts even more is not knowing where we could have ended up together; what life we would have built for ourselves, for our kittens that I know we would have created if it were not for that murdering wretch of a feline.
Whenever I think of that bloody tom, I get overwhelmed with anger and frustration. There's this thirst for revenge that I will not allow myself to quench because I know deep inside of me, I am better than that ginger monster. I refuse to stoop down to his disgusting level for what? To become a murderer just like him? No, that will never happen.
I felt like that in the past; willing to cause him agony beyond imaginable, but I then realized that violence is not the answer to my problems. The single problem I have is being apart from you for this entire time.
The clock is gradually ticking before I lose my faith. You were the one to keep me together when I felt like this. But now there is nobody to pick me up and straighten me out. I have nobody to talk to me, to convince me to go on; at least nobody that could do it like you could, Deme.
There was nobody like you, Demeter. You were one of a kind; the only perfect queen in existence and he had to come along and rip you from my life.
I try, Demeter. I try everyday to keep strong for you, to last until my dying moment. But I just don't know how to embrace this life now that you're not living it with me.
I never thought about a future that did not include you. I never thought such a thing could be possible. I was not prepared for the wrath of destiny to turn against me so cruelly or abruptly.
Perhaps it's a positive thing you cannot see me now. I am not the sweet silver tabby that I used to be. I've morphed into this . . . drifting being. I scarcely consume food. I never go out. My fur is groomed on rare occasions. My eyes, or so I've been told, have lost their thoughtful luster. And my social life . . . let's not even go there . . .
I sit here in solitude; isolated from the rest of the world. I think of you with every free moment I get. And lately, there have been plenty of those.
I miss you, Demeter. I miss having you next to me. I miss spending time with you. Even the times when we would do nothing but talk. Or even just sit outside at night and look up at the hundreds of glistening stars.
Do you remember that one night, when we stayed outside late enough for the dawn to rise over the horizon before we went home to sleep? We talked about everything . . .
It's my fault that I am stuck living this torturous life. This is the punishment I get for not thinking. I never thought about the danger. I never thought about Macavity. And I never thought about the heartache.
And I definitely never thought about the guilt.
This guilt hanging over my shoulders is like the storm cloud that never moves to another location; lingering in your mind and in your soul.
This guilt is part of me now. It's there behind me; attached to me just like my flicking tail, following me wherever I go.
I try to convince myself that this guilt is something that I will conquer over time. But I have told myself a lot of things that I know will never happen. It's my effort to keep myself functioning.
And I know I have to handle this guilt until . . . well . . . I don't think there is anything to come after that. I don't think this guilt will ever remove itself from my bones.
But there is one thing that I am certain of, my darling; that I love you. I will forever. And truth be told, I have not stopped loving you since the very first time I saw you. The thought of not loving you is incomprehensible.
But you know it. I will love you forever. And there is nothing that can alter that; not even the guilt that encompasses my life.
A/N: Yep. That's it. I'm not totally sure as to the reason why I decided to publish/write this . . .
It was just a lingering thought . . .
So review?