AN: This is a song-fic for the following singles: Lost in Paradise, My Immortal, Like You, Hello, and Breathe No More all by Evanescence. I do not own NCIS or the lyrics used. WARNING: MAJOR CHARACTER DEATHS!
She weeps for the impossible, but that doesn't stop her. She grieves longer than the others, because that's just how she is. But they don't notice the signs. None of them see the true heartbreak in her eyes as he says the words.
"You and I just weren't meant to be." He turns and gets on with his life. She does too, plastering a plastic smile just barely covering up her shattered heart. They hug and say it will be okay, and she pretends to believe them. And all the while, he keeps his distance, as if she contained some contagious disease. Commitment just isn't one of his things. He appearently is incapable of a happy life.
A month passes in this fashion. Everyone knew that they had loved each other. Even the autopsy gremlin had gotten a clue at some point. But now it was over for them, and she was drowning in her sorrow and emptiness day after day. Her insides had been torn apart beyond recogniton. Who would put it all back together?
"You have to move on," the Isreali says each day, but she says it with less and less hope as time goes by. Maybe this heart break is the one that will permenantly break Abby. It certainly looks like it.
"Abby, this can't last forever," Tony chides each visit, but even he knows this will take more than a hug and Caf-Pow! to fix.
"You know, you can call me if you need anything," Tim suggests at the end of the work day, every Friday, without fail. Abby merely nods, but she only goes home to stare at her ceiling, lost in herself.
A month had gone by. A whole thirty days of heart ache. An entire four weeks of this...emptiness. Something changes. She enters autopsy. The table is empty. Abby runs her hand along the coldness of it, not thinking of anything much. A gentle hand comes down on her shoulder.
"Abigail," Ducky said softly. It took only that one word to grab her attention. She looks at him for some solace. "I know." She finally allows herself to break down for the first time that day, melting into a hug that she had desperately needed today. Finally, she leaves. Ducky sadly watches her go, wishing that she wouldn't be feeling this pain. A shadow looms in the doorway, jarring any thoughts of Abby.
"You made a mistake." Ducky coolly stares at his old friend. "Jethro, I have no idea what you were thinking in breaking her heart like that. Perhaps you weren't." He stormed out of autopsy.
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Abby got into her car and started to drive off. A CD was playing. It had been a gift from McGee not too long ago, in celebration of solving a major case. She shoved the memory out of her mind as the next song began to play.
I've been believing in something so distant
As if I was human
That certainly sounded like her a little bit. Wait, what was she thinking? It was only a song, nothing significant.
And I've been denying this feeling of hopelessness
In me
In me
Well, I do feel pretty hopeless, Abby thought unexpectedly. She blinked in shock and shook her head. What was wrong with her? Shouldn't she just be focusing on the road instead of reading too much into the song?
All the promises I made just to let you down
She was never good enough for Gibbs...
You believed in me but I'm broken
Much too true.
I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting
We've been falling for all this time
And now, I'm lost in paradise
"Get a hold of yourself," Abby muttered as she felt tears beginning to sting her eyes. Unfortunately, now she was stuck in traffic and couldn't just race home as an excuse to get this song out of her head.
As much as I'd like the past not to exist
It still does
And as much as I'd like to act like I belong here
I'm just as scared as you
I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting
We've been falling for all this time
And now, I'm lost in paradise
Tears streamed down her face but she ignored them, trying to focus on her driving as she took another, quicker route home. But her vision was beginning to blur and she couldn't tell which side of the road was which.
Run away
Run away
One day we won't feel this pain anymore
Take it all away
Shadows of you
'Cause they won't let me go
Abby's car slammed into another vehicle and she was promptly ejected out, the seatbelt ripped in half by incredible force. She went tumbling, her limbs flailing as she tried to catch herself on something. The last thing she remembered was an intense pain, and the color red everywhere.
I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting
We've been falling for all this time
And now, I'm lost in paradise
The accident had been quite serious. However, nothing could be done about it at the time since it still wasn't high priority for local paramedics and fire fighters.
Alone, and lost in paradise
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Gibbs could hardly believe how stupid he had been for the past month and a half. He actually let her walk away. He actually let her believe that he didn't love her. He let Abby believe a total lie about himself, all because of his stupid insecurities and memories that he wasn't willing to let go. Shannon and Kelly were just a ghost of a memory now. He had been a different man back when they died. He refused to believe that it was him that killed them. No, it was the car. Not him. No way that his bullet saved for revenge on that evil man had caused the car to spin out of control and kill the other two passengers. He was so angry at himself that he wanted to hit something. Instead, he went home to work on something that had been meant for Abby the day he broke off the engagement.
His hands were calm and steady, the complete opposite of how he felt on the inside. While he worked, the radio was on in the background as an attempt for him to steer away those dark thoughts. But no matter what he did, his thoughts kept drifting back to her. Those green eyes, her unique laugh. The way her whole face would light up when he told her she did a good job, followed by a Caf-Pow! He missed giving her those intimite kisses on the cheek goodnight. He missed the sound of her music, even though he hated it. It wasn't until she was gone that he realized that she might have been the one he was going to grow old with. Well, not anymore. Women could never stand being married to him.
Hours later, sometime after sunset, he'd had enough of working in the basement. He ventured up the stairs, ignoring his knee that occsasionally flared up like this, due to an early onset of authritis. It was a constant reminder of his age that he severely disliked. He sighed and poured himself a glass of burbon to tide himself over for the night. As a memory took over, suddenly the drink seemed even more important. He downed the glass quickly, wincing as the drink burned his throat. A song came to mind and wouldn't let go, just like her.
I'm so tired of being here
Surpressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presense still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
Ain't that the truth, Gibbs thought to himself.
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
Gibbs could see memories of Abby everywhere he looked, which didn't help the overwhelming guilt at all. He already felt sorry enough, he didn't need to be punished.
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd screm, I'd fight away all of your fears
A quick flash of the Mikel Mawher. Kate. Mexico.
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
He felt so empty without her. She might as well have taken his heart with her. No, it was gone long before his cruel mistake. She stole his heart when they first met, with those innocent eyes and quirky ways.
You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasent dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
She was the only one who called him Jefe. She called him 'Daddy', named a dog after him. How could he turn her away?
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along
It was too hard to remember, but he definitely didn't want to forget. He drained another glass of burbon. The sting in his heart was stronger than the one his his throat.
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me, oh...me...oh...me...oh
Gibbs cursed his stupidity for what must have been the thousandth time. That was when he recieved the phone call that would change his life forever.
"Jethro, there was an accident." He remained silent, waiting for the rest, yet not wanting to hear it. "Abigail was just pulled from the wreckage. She might not make it. There's too much blood and internal damage."
"Bethesda?" he managed to choke out.
"As of right now, no. They're still trying to clean things up...oh, they just loaded her up into the ambulance. I'll meet you there." He didn't remember driving, but he did remember the arrival. Tony was comforting Ziva, who had tears streaming down her face. McGee looked ready to punch something. Jimmy was oddly restless, pacing back and forth. But it was the look on Ducky's face that was the most prominent. Gibbs saw him handle Kate, hell, he handled Jenny just fine. But this was Abby. She was the one that held them, no, him, all together. She was the glue in the operation. And now she was falling apart. The hours blended together, and somehow Ziva ended up in a chair next to him.
"This is not your fault, Gibbs," Ziva said. He ignored her, trying to remember the presise shade of black of Abby's hair. "You may have broken her heart, but you did not break her body." Her voice shook slightly with emotion. "I may still be angry that you hurt Abby, but the accident was in no way caused by you, nor were you involved in it." He sighed, starting to get annoyed with her pity, which was the last thing he needed right now. What he needed was to be in her arms again, to wipe away her tears and tell her everything would be okay, Abs-
"I have some news." He didn't even look at the doctor as she rambled on and on. He heard the words 'explosion' and 'fire' and 'coma' quite clearly though. Gibbs sauntered off to Abby's room, not caring what anyone said to hold him back. An apology was all he wanted to say, and then he'd take off from her life forever. His feet were confident in the cramped hospital halls despite his hammering heart.
At first he thought he was in the wrong room. Where was her sweet smelling pale skin with that rosy undertone of perpetual joyfulness? Where were her traditional pigtails that he could never get tired of staring at? What happened to her smile, her constant motion? Gone, all of it was gone, replaced by broken bones, burns, and IV drips that were almost sickening to look at. Gibbs swallowed his horror and approched the bed. He heard rumors that people in a coma could hear their surroundings sometimes. But what was he going to say? Would it be enough? He shook his head, trying to picture Abby as merely sleeping and not completely broken from the inside out.
"Abs, I..." There rest of his words never got out, because at that moment, the beeping changed to a sudden, long tone that was the worst sound in the world. No. No! He stared in complete horror, wishing this was all a dream.
"She's gone," Ducky said sadly. Gibbs turned, shaking with anger at himself, at the whole world. He stormed out of the room and didn't look back. He didn't look at Ziva or Tony. He ignored the autopsy gremlin and McGee, his faithful probie for all time. Nothing mattered anymore, not life, not even his job, because she was written all over it. She had put marks on his heart that were bound to never go away. This was worse than with Shannon.
"I wished you would just leave but not like this!" Gibbs howled to the indifferent wind as he continued to run. Pain continued squeezing his soul like a vise. He wondered if this was what it was like to live without lungs, because he certainly wasn't breathing air right now. He had no time to react as a gun was pointed at his face and fired. But the physical pain hardly mattered. Everything else left. He felt...relieved, released of everything.
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"We are gathered here today to remember two great people that have died within hours of one another..." Tony dully tuned out the rest. A soft hand gripped his reassuringly. Ziva. The two of them had grown a whole lot closer the past couple days ever since the disaster of Abby and Gibbs happened. He could hardly believe that he lost two people so close to him on the same day.
"You never told me what song you finally picked," Tony whispered to the Isreali as the man continued droning on about Gibbs's accomplishments.
"You will see," Ziva whispered back. The funeral had been planned to focus on Abby and Gibbs equally in different ways. The decorations and music would be Abby style, while the speeches would be Gibbs style. It was perfect. So, as Tony sat in his seat, remembering, the song Ziva chose to play at the very end of the speech couldn't have been more fitting for the situation.
Stay love, soft dark and dreamless
Far beneath my nightmares and lonliness
I hate me for breathing without you
I don't want to feel anymore for you
Tony ignored the twinge that this song caused in his heart. Dinozzos don't cry, he reminded himself silently. Everyone was released for refreshments. He hung out over by Abby's family. They were strangers to him, which was almost a comfort. He didn't want to talk to anybody.
Grieving for you, I'm not grieving for you
Nothing real love can't undo
And though I may have lost my way
All paths lead straight to you
"This isn't fair," Tim muttered. Tony nodded in agreement and drank some punch that suspiciously tasted like vodka. Someone must have spiked it.
I long to be like you
Lie cold in the ground like you
"I know who spiked the punch," Tim said unexpectedly.
"What?" Tony said loudly. He was surprised.
Halo, blinding wall between us
Melt away and leave us alone again
Humming, haunted somewhere out there
I believe our love can see us through in death
"It was Ziva. I saw her tip a drink in there earlier." Tony approached Ziva, who stood way off to the side.
I long to be like you
Lie cold in the ground like you
Abby was like a sister to me, he thought miserably. The song was starting to get to him again. He shook off the emotion.
There's room inside for two
And I'm not grieving for you
I'm coming for you
"Tony, it was not me," Ziva said.
"I don't care who did it, truthfully," Tony interjected. "I came to compliment your skills. Such a shame Gibbs...you know. I'll miss the headslaps." Ziva rolled her eyes. She doesn't think that he's changed at all.
You're not alone
No matter what they told you
You're not alone
I'll be right beside you forevermore
"On your six," Tony blurted without thinking. Ziva looked up in shock. Tony felt tears sting his eyes. It was harder to push them back this time.
I long to be like you, sis
Lie cold in the ground like you did
There's room inside for two
And I'm not grieving for you
"Tony..." Ziva's voice broke off. She tried again. "It is okay to cry."
And as we lay in silent bliss
I know you rememeber me
"Dinozzos don't..." Tears trickled down his face even as he said the words. He wrapped his arms around Ziva as tightly as he could, sobbing now.
I long to be like you
Lie cold in the ground like you
There's room inside for two
And I'm not grieving for you
I'm coming for you
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Tim went home, feeling completely hollow. He had a copy of Abby's old Evanescence CD in his hand. Unthinkingly, he stuck it in the CD player and put on a random song. His mind wandered, but then he snapped back to the cruel reality as the song began to play.
Playground school bell rings again
He vaguely remembered his childhood days. Everything had been so simple back then.
Rain clouds come to play again
Abby would know what that metaphor meant. He twinged at remembering her again, for the umpteenth time in the past few days.
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello, I'm your mind, giving you someone to talk to
Hello
He nodded at the picture of Abby happily yet blankly staring at him. Another reminder. Should it stay, or leave? He briefly considered moving on as if she had never existed. But then he remembered she wasn't the only one he had lost.
If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken
"What a complete lie," Tim said out loud.
Hello I'm the lie, living for you so you can hide
Don't cry
Why did he decide to take this CD home with him when all it brought him was intense pain twice over, maybe even three times? His heart had belonged to her too, if only briefly.
Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello, I'm still here
All that's left of yesterday
Tim yanked out the CD and threw it against the wall, where it shattered, representing his heart perfectly. He sank to his knees and dissolved into tears.
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Before Ziva could take out the CD she had unthinkingly taken home with her, a song began to play that completely captured her attention. At that point, it was too late to do anything about it, because the song spoke to her in a way that the speech never would.
I've been looking in the mirror for so long
That I've come to believe my soul's on the other side
All the little pieces falling, shatter
Too small to matter
But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces
If I try to touch her
And I bleed
I bleed
And I breathe
I breathe no more
Ziva remained silent, frozen in place as she listened to the song. It was as if it had taken every single pain from the past forty-eight hours and put it all perfectly into the form of music.
Take a breath and I draw from my spirit's well
God only knew what that felt like.
Yet again you refuse to drink like a stubborn child
Lie to me, convince me that I've been sick forever
If only this was a fever-induced hallucination, everything would be fine.
And all of this would make sense
When I get better
She seriously doubted they'd figure out the answer as to why this had to happen to them, but they could try.
But I know the difference
Between myself and my reflection
I just can't help but to wonder
Which of us do you love?
So I bleed
I bleed...
And I breathe
I breathe, no...
Bleed
I bleed
And I breathe
I breathe
I breathe-
No more
Tears splashed the counter. Her hands shook as she tried to block out the absolute truth unsucessfully. Of all people they had to lose, of all people she was forced to mourn, it had to be not one but both. Like in Romeo and Julie, they obviously couldn't live without each other. Not even death could part them.