A/N: This is sort of the story-format of my poem "Nonsense of an Honest Thought". It was unintentional, but when I got started, it didn't stop and the inspiration became quite apparent. My greatest and sincerest thanks to IndubitableInk for helping me edit.
Spoilers: There is brief mention of the Insomnia arc and how some of that plays out.
Disclaimer: I can't even claim the cake, because we all know the cake is a lie...
When did I start to notice?
When? No.
Why had I not seen it before?
Was it because it was always? When something is always there, like air, you never realize what it really means. I did not think I could take things for granted. I thought I saw everything, just the way it was.
What did it mean, watching him open a door: sometimes for me, sometimes for others? What did I see when he offered to help me carry my things when I had too much in my hands? A gentleman? Someone acting as they should and thus not worth notice? But who does act that way, instinctively, always?
A touch, a look, a nod. Everything, just when I need it. How does he know? Is he just lucky? Does he even care?
I like his smile. It does not come often and it never stays for long, but it is a smile I cannot forget. When he smiles, it is nice. A relief, like the sun coming out for a moment when everything should be grey and rainy. A promise of something more waiting.
He has always helped me. If someone asked me how many times he had saved my life, I could not give them an honest answer beyond that I know he has. He will never admit it, but he has. Still, his help is more than just keeping me alive. It comes in the little, day-to-day things, such as when I cannot understand a math problem, or have no one to talk to, or just need someone there for me. Somehow, he knows when I need him, and the few times he does not offer, when I ask, the answer is always yes. He has never once turned me down.
Does he not realize he is spoiling me?
Why does he not have more friends? He is always so kind.
I do not know why people call him cold. He is remote, but that does not make him cold. No, he could never be cold. Never. One look into his eyes and all you can see is life, struggling to be free. And yet, no matter why he acts the way he does, he has never let me down. Has he ever let anyone down, ever, in his whole life? Should someone be allowed to be that perfect at everything?
When did I start to notice all of this? That he is more than just a gentleman. That the icy wall everyone complains about is only a mirror that turns his amazing attentions into a prism's distortion of a generous and loving soul, making it appear as if he does nothing beyond the ordinary, nothing more than expected.
It is the little things.
It is all the little things that he always does.
When did I start to notice?
No, no, not when. Why.
Why had I not seen him before?
Stabbing her fork into the shell of frosting, all that was left of her chocolate cake, she frowned. Of all the questions spinning in her mind, all of the tiny facts that made up the whole, there was a single question that reigned supreme.
Why did she care?
Pushing the cold, hardened frosting around her plate, she set her chin on her palm, glaring at the remains of her second helping of dessert.
"I don't care," she muttered, trying to picture Dark's face instead of thinking about all the other things floating through her brain. "I don't care. Why should I? Dark-san is finally starting to notice me."
So?
She winced at the question and stabbed vexedly at one of the fondant flowers, which wilted without contest under her attack. How could she even consider such a question? Dark was all she wanted. Cool, confident. Never mind that so was he; it was different. Dark was brave, and dashing, and brilliant.
Not that she thought he could not be either, but he did not have the glamour, the suavity, the knee-weakening lines that Dark had.
Dark knew how to sweet talk a girl into a dream. Dark was exciting, a fantasy within reach.
So why on earth did she care if someone else, someone boring and aloof, was nice?
Chivalrous, too, and generous, and helpful, and always there. She did not have to chase him for a three minute conversation once in every blue moon.
But she did not care! That was not what she wanted.
She knew that for a fact because...
She did not have a clue what she wanted.
Her eyes strayed to the chocolate cake sitting on the counter beside her. Another slice sat there, waiting patiently to continue her therapy session. Somehow, whenever she ate chocolate, it was him. She was always being comforted due to thoughts of him.
He was annoying.
Did he even have a clue how much perfectly good chocolate cake was being wasted on him?
She dragged the cake toward herself, glaring at the food as she did. When she and Daisuke had been pulled into the mirror Insomnia, she knew that she had to remember what she treasured most to remember herself. It had been so obvious.
So why did thinking of him work?
Was it because he was so annoying?
Her frown grew as she feverishly licked the frosting off of the fork. Why did it have to be so confusing? She was losing her patience. She had chosen Dark and would stop at nothing, for nothing, with nothing less.
Someone opening the door was less. Someone listening to her complain was less. Someone making her laugh was less. Someone helping her study was less. Someone greeting her in the morning was less. Someone comforting her was less.
But all together, the particular less she was worried about seemed problematic.
Chewing slowly on the new slice of cake in the attempt to make it last, she recalled likening him to air. How funny, since she often thought his eyes were like water, because they were such a deep blue and she drowned in them.
Not actually drowned. She could breathe while looking at them, definitely. They were just... interesting.
Still, the air was right. Without him, school would be so much worse. She would miss everything he did. It would be uncomfortable without him.
Really uncomfortable.
Really, really uncomfortable.
Like, say, suffocatingly unbearable.
For example, without him there, she had finished off three whole pieces of chocolate cake just to get him off her mind—and it had worked like a charm.
He was not on her mind any longer.
He was pounded deep, deep, intractably deep into her mind and driving her crazy. There was just not enough chocolate in the world to handle him.
So annoying.
"I like Dark," she muttered, dropping her fork onto her plate. The clattering of the utensil startled her and her chin jumped off her palm as she jerked in surprise. Grabbing the countertop, she chuckled nervously at her astonishment over the noise she had caused. She was clearly losing it.
Maybe too much chocolate was a problem.
Sticking the cake into the fridge, she sighed softly at herself. Why was she letting herself get so confused over nothing? She had already decided what she wanted and she would stick with that. Just because she had decided to stay home, even after a warning note had been issued for earlier that evening, did not mean anything was going to change.
She had a lot going on, she was tired, and she needed to think. It would be rude to dump it all on Dark, who would be in a hurry, as always.
He, on the other hand, would never be too busy to listen. But it was not like she would ever tell him what she was thinking right then, as it would give him the wrong idea.
She found herself staring dumbly at the closed refrigerator. Shaking herself from her trance, she glowered. She was getting nowhere.
There had to be a logical explanation for all of it.
And not the one that she had thought of earlier that day, when he had smiled at her and her heart had started pounding unusually fast.
There had to be a logical explanation for all of it—her being in love with Satoshi Hiwatari was not logical.
Not one bit.
He was the same as always. He simply was not the kind of person she could like. He was as handsome, as cool, and as sophisticated as ever, but he had never fit and never would fit her ideal.
But somehow, after finally noticing all of the little things that made him who he was, she had gotten a little confused.
Only a little.
She would be fine after she got him out of her head.
Whenever that was.
But she was not in love with him.
Not with Satoshi Hiwatari.
There was no way.
There was just no way.