The following is a lost chapter of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. It was edited out by the UK Council on Appropriate Cultural Depiction shortly before release. Due to an ongoing lawsuit, the chapter was not available before now. Enjoy.
Harry looked up from his butter beer and sighed at the sight before him. Ron and Hermione were moping in the corner of the tent, playing Angry Owls on their iWands.
"This is bollocks!" Harry shouted suddenly, startling his two friends out of their video game-induced stupor. "Voldemort is out there right now and we need help. What about wizards from other countries?" He paused, thinking rapidly. "Hermione, what about that Victor Krum fellow?"
Hermione's face scrunched faster than a time lapsed video of a flower blooming played in reverse. "Victor defriended me on Wizbook, I haven't really talked to him in a while. There is a spell I read about in the restricted section of the library, hang on."
Hermione walked to the center of the tent and placed her wand In the air like a torch. "AMERICUS MAGICKUS!" She shouted, her crisp accent cradling the nonsense words like a newborn kitten.
The air in the enchanted tent began to shimmer and glow, first a brilliant white, then a vibrant cerulean, and finally a bold and powerful crimson. Stars began to shower from the tip of Hermione's wand and a strange music began to sound.
CAUSE I'M PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN, WHERE AT LEAST I KNOW I'M FREE…
Harry recognized the song from when he would watch American programs on the Dursley's television. It was the unmistakable dulcet tones of Lee Greenwood's patriotic masterpiece, and it reverberated throughout the shabby tent interior. Suddenly a tremendous BANG! Roared out from the wand and a flash of light knocked the three juvenile prestidigitators to the ground. The final guitar note of the proud rock ballad rang in Harry's ears, which he clutched as his vision came back to him. Filling up the empty tent before him were now 6 adult men, decked head to toe in what looked like Muggle Military Equipment. Each man was masked and carried an assault rifle like Harry had seen in the only movie he had been allowed to watch: Under Siege 2. The man standing at the forefront looked to Hermione, still on the floor, and spoke, revealing he was an American!
"Are you the one that summoned us?" He asked, his efficient accent forcing the words out with deadly precision.
"Er… Yeah…" Hermione managed to stammer. She was massaging her jaw as if she had been roundhouse kicked by national embarrassment.
"Alright, what's the sit-rep?" He stated. The children in front of him stared blankly. He knelt down to eye level, speaking again slowly, as if with a child or small animal "Little Girl.. Why.. Did… You… Summon… Us?"
Harry seized the opportunity to speak.."Er We were actually wondering if you could help us. You see we are looking for some magical items called 'Horcruxes'…" The American interrupted Harry at this word.
"Horcruxes? People still use those over here? Where are your auto-revive chambers? Your emergency postmortem teleportation beacons? I think my Grandpa used a Horcux once… Anyway why do you need them?" The man sounded annoyed.
Harry grew frustrated at the nonchalance of the incredibly cool soldier. "Lord Voldemort is running amok, killing muggles left and right, the ministry of magic is infiltrated and dark wizards are roaming the countryside! This is a nightmare 16 years in the making and a lot of my friends are in danger!"
"Uh..huh… Lord? Voldemort… so this guy is killing 'Muggles'.. What exactly is a muggle? Is that what you guys call horses over here or something?"
Harry's face grew grim. "Lord Voldemort is the most evil dark wizard in history and how do you not know what a muggle is? It's someone that can't use magic!"
The soldier looked confused. "Wait.. you're telling me there are actually people in this country that can't use magic? What is wrong with you people? I thought this was a first world country! " The man sighed, and turned to his companion. "Johnson, pull up your locator and give me a coordinate on this Voldermold guy."
The black mask the other man was wearing started to glow as an interface was displayed upon it, Harry could see some lines flowing along a rapidly moving map of England. The lines converged at a point which began to blink. The man called Johnson spoke "Got him, looks like he's in some castle… sat feed shows clean thermal but some magical defenses, should be pretty easy to infiltrate."
The nameless leader nodded. "Let's roll! You kids comin?"
Harry nodded dumbly and the soldier motioned for him and his friends to stand next to him. The soldier tapped a few buttons on the interface on his shoulder and the tent dissolved into mist. The mist floated about and reformed to a new scene. Harry, his friends and the soldiers were now standing directly in front of Lord Voldemort himself! Harry jumped back only to be caught by the soldier.
"Relax, kid, I put a phasing field around us, he can't see, hear, or touch us. Now I'll just pop him with a couple of multiphasic rounds.." The soldier lifted his weapon and squeezed the trigger twice. The high pitched ZEEP! ZEEP! Of suppressed munitions fire prattled out from the barrel and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named collapsed to a lifeless heap. Harry stared in shock.
"Was that it? Hey, Johnson, look at me, I'm the most powerful wizard in England!" He chuckled. He then turned to Hermione, wand still glowing with patriotic vigor. "Hey kid, don't bother us again unless it's really important." He pressed his shoulder again, leaving the children dumbfounded and alone in back in their shabby tent.