He knew it was stupid - that's why he didn't say anything and just smiled back then, brushing it off and pretending it was all fine. They were just teasing after all, he had no reason to get so upset, right?
But as soon as he was alone in his room, he broke apart. The very second he closed the door behind himself, he just bursted into tears; he felt terribly weak in an instant, even resting his back against the wall for support didn't help, it was a matter of seconds before he ended up on the floor, hiding his face in his arms as he cried his eyes out.
He felt so damn pathetic, breaking over such a little thing, over one stupid comment. And it didn't even affect him usually, why did it now, all of sudden? He was so pitiful, so useless, so worthless...
He needed to punish himself for being so stupid. To let it all out.
He rose his head slowly, trying to hold back his sobs. He knew he had no single razor, knife or razor blade in his room anymore, not since Kaito found out he's been doing that, and he couldn't go back downstairs to get something because they'd realize something was off. But he had to have something sharp in his room, hidden somewhere... right?
Slowly, he managed to stand back up, then shakily walking up to his desk. He didn't really care how much of a mess he was making while he was searching through it, he just kept shoving aside everything that wasn't sharp enough to cut through his skin and continued to look for something that would be—until, eventually, he found a pair of scissors.
He closed his eyes, laughing bitterly and smiling through tears. He knew there had to be something.
Slowly, he headed out to his bathroom; he stopped for a second as he was walking past his bed, frowning as he looked at the photo of Kaito he kept framed on his nightstand. He was about to disappoint him again, wasn't he? Clutching his fingers at the scissors, he lowered his head and bit at his lower lip, hesitating for a moment—and a second later rushing to the bathroom.
He hung onto the sink, panting heavily; he hated himself so much for being so pathetic, for not being able to keep his word. He couldn't understand, why Kaito kept trying? He wasn't worth his time, nor anyone else's.
He couldn't keep track of his thoughts, his mind was too clouded; he hardly even knew what he was doing anymore—he didn't even notice when he pulled out his phone and picked Kaito's number, he probably wouldn't realize that he did that at all, if the other wouldn't answer.
"Hey tiger, what's up?"
Hearing his voice so warm and loving he clenched his fingers on the scissors tighter. How could he love him? He was so perfect, he deserved so much better than someone so pathetic, so useless, so stupid as himself.
"Thomas?" the Tenjo called out to him again, this time more concerned, likely because of the awkwardly dead silence on Thomas' side.
He still didn't answer, he couldn't—or more like, he didn't want to, because he knew he won't be able to hide from Kaito how much of a mess he was right now.
"Thomas, what's wrong?" Soon Kaito spoke up again, this time he sounded not only worried, but also almost panicked. The Arclight bit at his lip really hard, but even that didn't manage to stop the loud, shaky sob that escaped him.
"Thomas, baby, talk to me," Kaito almost begged; the pure concern in his voice caused tears to stream down Thomas' face again. He didn't deserve him, at all. He should just get out of the way, so Kaito could be with someone better, like Chris, or Droite, or Mizael.
"I'm s-sorry..." he stuttered eventually, wheezing loudly. "I'm s-so sorry, I couldn't even keep my word, I'm so sorry..."
"What are you apologizing for? Darling, what's wrong?" Kaito asked, his voice was trembling as if he was on the edge of panicking. Thomas cursed himself internally, he shouldn't have called him, he only worried him unnecessarily.
"I'm sorry, I... p-promised I won't do that again b-but... I can't stand it an-nymore... it has to s-stop, I have end t-this," the Arclight explained shakily inbetween his sobs.
There was a moment of silence, disturbed only by Thomas', loud at this point already, crying, before Kaito finally spoke up again.
"Thomas, don't," he said firmly, but still softly enough, as if he was afraid of freaking him out; Thomas found himself dropping down to his knees, sniffing loudly. He couldn't understand, why did he care so much?
"Please, put down the—whatever you have there, put it down. I'll be there soon. Please, don't hurt yourself, I—"
"I'm sorry Kaito. Goodbye," Thomas whispered and hung up, tossing his phone aside. This had to be done, there was no other way. He just wanted to say goodbye to him, he supposed.
He dropped the scissors for a moment and proceeded to pull his sleeves up; he was struggling with it for a moment, due to his fingers trembling terribly and himself shaking in general, but eventually he managed to bare both his forearms.
He heard his phone ringing, but he ignored it completely.
He picked up the scissors again, opening them with trembling fingers and moving the edge closer to his left forearm. He could barely see anything at that point, his vision was so blurred from the amount of tears in his eyes; he vaguely registered his arms were shaking rather badly—he had problems with actually landing the scissors onto his arm.
Feeling the metal pressing against his skin finally, he smiled desperately, weirdly relieved. He pressed the edge harder, groaning as it cut through his skin but still jerking the blade down, cutting deeply into his skin.
He whined loudly, curling up in pain, his eyes shut closed involuntarily in an instant and he dropped the scissors. He smiled though, feeling the liquid spread from the wound and running down his arm.
Eventually he opened his eyes; even though blurry, because of how watery his eyes were, the sight of his own blood spilling out like that was quite satisfying—for a long while he just stared at his arm and hand, almost entirely covered in his blood, dripping from his limb and staining his knees and the floor. He was simply mesmerized by that.
But as soon as his vision cleared out a bit, he changed his mind about that, as he noticed—much to his displeasure—that he didn't get the cut like he intended to. He didn't cut along his vein but across his arm instead, probably because he couldn't really see what he was doing and he was shaking too much—but nonetheless, it irritated him, a lot.
Letting out a loud hiss, he reached for the scissors again, now he could see clearly and this time he was going to do it properly, no matter how much his hand and arm would be shaking, he was going to open that vein, he was too desperate to bleed out here and now.
Once again he pressed the blade to his arm, this time making sure it was laying along the vein—he was surprisingly calm, he noticed, his hand only trembled a little. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, biting down at his lip hoping to smother that way any eventual sounds he was about to make.
Squeezing his eyelids tighter, he clenched his fingers at the scissors; he was about to press them against his skin harder, to pierce through his skin and finally get what he wanted—but then he heard a voice that made him freeze at once, his eyes shooting wide open in pure shock. Kaito's voice.
"Thomas... put it down... please..."
It sounded shaky and nervous, as if he was panicking or close to that and also... it seemed like he was panting?
At first he thought it was just a delusion, that his mind was just fucking with him—or that maybe he somehow answered that damn phone, he called him before without even realizing that so he supposed it could be possible. But then he spoke up again.
"Put the scissors down tiger, please. It will be fine. Just let me take care of you." Now he sounded more calm and it seemed like his breath steadied—now he sounded just deeply concerned.
Thomas blinked slowly once, twice. Eventually he turned his head in the direction where he heard the voice coming from—he was actually shocked to see Kaito standing in the door to the bathroom. He didn't think he'd come. He believed he won't come.
"Kaito..." he whispered absently, his chin trembling slightly and tears gathering in his eyes again; he didn't even notice that the scissors fell off his hand.
"May I...?" the Tenjo asked softly, gesturing lightly to show him that he meant coming closer—the only answer Thomas managed to give him was a slow, blunt nod, but it was more than enough. Kaito slowly approached him, grabbing a towel in the meanwhile, and knelt down right next to him.
"It's alright darling. I'm here now," he whispered, gently taking Thomas' arm and pressing the towel to the wound. The Arclight lowered his head, sobbing quietly—soon he felt Kaito wrap an arm around his shoulders, pulling him to rest against himself.
"You're gonna be okay," Kaito spoke in a soft tone; Thomas could feel the older male press his lips against his temple and his hand slowly rubbing his shoulder. He trembled in his arms lightly, almost choking as he held back his sobs.
Kaito was so caring, so gentle, so... perfect. He didn't know what did he do to deserve him. He didn't know why Kaito chose him, when he could have pretty much anyone—but he was so grateful for that. He needed support, someone to rely on, he knew that—and Kaito was the only person so far who gave it to him, not expecting to get anything in return.
And here, he disappointed him again.
"I'm s-sorry..." he uttered, his free hand moving to clutch at Kaito's clothes. "I'm so sorry, I'm so stupid, I'm—"
"Shhh," Kaito silenced him quickly, kissing his forehead tenderly. "It's fine. Don't beat yourself over that." His hand slowly moved from Thomas' shoulder to his hair, slowly stroking it as he quietly hummed a melody, one that the Arclight knew well by now.
Thomas whined quietly, burying his face in Kaito's shoulder—eventually he sighed softly, closing his eyes as he nuzzled into him lightly. The tears were still running down his face and he was still trembling, but slowly, he was relaxing.
"I love you," he whispered, his voice was barely audible—but how Kaito nuzzled his hair lovingly straight away made him sure that he did, in fact, hear that.
And that he loved him too.