You know, the very first time I met you; all beat up in that hospital? I remember it. The very first time I ever laid eyes on you, you smiled at me. You know beansprout, I'm not even sure you were conscious of it. You can be real thickheaded sometimes. Kinda oblivious. But you smiled at me none the less, through your wounds and bandages. There was sun shining brightly in the window that day.

I had the weirdest urge to keep that smile on your face for as long as possible. I smiled back, without really realizing what I was doing.

I didn't know it just then, but you kind of have that effect on people. People just want to make you happy. People want to be happy with you.

It wasn't long before I learned about your eye. Gotta admit, I was kind of jealous. It seemed like such a convenience, to be able to tell when an inconspicuous human was actually a deadly akuma. You were living a life opposite mine, even though we still treaded the same paths. We were both exorcists, yet you didn't know what that really meant, did you? You didn't really know about the sacrifice everyone made by wearing the exorcist symbol. My making themselves, giant, walking, targets.

And then I was there when you fought for the first time without your eye. I didn't really think about it at the time, but now I realize how different that was for you. Kinda moronic of me not to see how much that experience meant to you. I get it now though. Now that I understand, I'm glad I was there to share that experience with you.

You looked so terrified during that battle. Again, I got that weird urge to protect you.

Then when we somehow ended up on another mission together, something happened I never would have thought possible. I saw an akuma's soul, too, for the first time. It was terrifying. My mind almost shut down. I didn't, couldn't let anyone else notice, but on the inside, I freaked. My knees shook but despite everything I couldn't look away. It was like watching a train wreck, or some other kind of terrible accident; you just can't stop watching.

I had another realization. I really had been a fool, not that I would ever admit that. But I realized that I would never trade anything for an eye like yours. I wouldn't want to carry that burden. I don't know if I would be able to. And to think that you had been seeing these things since you were just a kid. I couldn't imagine living in that world. Your world. Your very frightening world. The world you lived in was full of monsters that not even we exorcists could imagine.

It was then that I had the most uncontrollable urge; no, I couldn't even call it an urge, it was a sudden, desperate need. I needed to make your world just a little bit brighter. It broke my heart to know how cruel the world was through your eyes. I need to add light to the world you saw. I just needed to bring a little light into it, to help you struggle on. Not that it ever showed on your face, to anyone and everyone you were a happy little white-headed clam, always ready to smile. I admired that.

I lay thinking about all of this, now. And I can't help but smile a little to myself, 'cause I realized something else, yet again. I wonder if I will ever stop having these little epiphanies of mine. But then, as I look down to your sleeping form, white hair tussled from sleep, I know I won't care if I never stop realizing these things about you. They make me smile a little every time.

I realize now that loving you was never an urge. It was never some uncontrollable need. It was a conscious decision.

I wanted to love you, Allen Walker.