NARRATOR: A long time ago, when Fairies and Valkyrie wagged war on one another, there were five-
MERCEDES: Let me do it! I've been practicing my big voice!
NARRATOR: Big voice?
MERCEDES: BIG VOICE!
NARRATOR: I can just do that with the Caps Lock Button.
MERCEDES: A LONG TIME AGO, BEFORE TOASTERS WERE PATENTED…what am I doing?
NARRATOR: Introductions. You're introducing the characters.
MERCEDES: Ah! Ok. I am Mercedes, Queen of the Fairies! I enjoy long walks through the forest, shooting amphibians, and being all around awesome!
NARRATOR: …And?
MERCEDES: I'm so cute it makes you want to vomit?
NARRATOR: No! Well, yes… but what about the other characters?
MERCEDES: What other characters?
NARRATOR: Fine… YOU LOSE YOUR TALKING PRIVELEGES! Gwendolyn? You want to do the introductions?
GWENDOLYN: … No…. What's wrong with Mercedes?
NARRATOR: You mean how she's throwing a tantrum and wrecking my workspace, or that she's doing it silently?
GWENDOLYN: A little of both.
NARRATOR: I took her talking privileges. You really don't want to do the introductions? If you don't, I'll have to let Mercedes do it.
GWENDOLYN: As bad as that would be, no…
NARRATOR: Fine! Go sit in the corner and pretend you're cool, or something. Mercedes!
MERCEDES: Mmph?
NARRATOR: If I give you your voice back, will you do the introductions?
MERCEDES: Mmm Hmm!
NARRATOR: Will you do them correctly?
MERCEDES: …Mmmph.
NARRATOR: Good. Introduce Gwen.
MERCEDES: This whiny bitch that no one loves-
NARRATOR: I said CORRECTLY!
MERCEDES: That is correct! She's a whiny bitch that no one loves! She has self esteem issues, and a crappy family life! She stuffs her bra and-
NARRATOR: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
MERCEDES: Fine. No need to use the big voice… Gawd…
NARRATOR: Deal with it.
MERCEDES: Gwendolyn is, sorry, WAS the princess of the Aesir. She has a father who neglects her, and a sister, Griselda. If everything had worked out, we would be related.
NARRATOR: What the hell are you talking about?
MERCEDES: Gwendolyn would be married to Oswald, Oswald is Cornelius' cousin, Cornelius would marry Velvet, and Ingway being her brother… Ingway would sweep me off of my feet! We would be married, and live HAPPILY EVER AFTER! However, Ingway is dead, so fuck happily ever after.
NARRATOR: You do know you could have bypassed Cornelius and Oswald. Gwen is Velvet's sister, ya know.
MERCEDES: Oh. Wait, seriously?
NARRATOR: Seriously.
MERCEDES: That means Velvet's diggin' one of her relatives. INCEST!
NARRATOR: Ack! No!
MERCEDES: It's true! Corny and Ozzy are cousins! If Ozzy married Gwen, then Velvet and Corny are already related! Thank god Ingway died, because I don't want to be dragged into that creepy family.
INGWAY: Is that truly how you feel?
MERCEDES: Ingway! You're supposed to be dead!
INGWAY: As are you.
NARRATOR: He's got a point.
MERCEDES: Don't side with him! I can be alive if I want to!
NARRATOR: These introductions are never going to get done…
VELVET: I'll do them.
NARRATOR: Thank you. At least someone is starting to show some sense of responsibility.
INGWAY: Certainly not you though. You've been trying to get others to do the introductions for you this whole time.
NARRATOR: Shut up or I'll make you dead again.
MERCEDES: Don't you threaten him!
VELVET: Can I do the introductions now?
MERCEDES: That's my job! She can't have it!
NARRATOR: And why not?
MERCEDES: She's a horrible person, she dresses like a slut, and if she wore a bra, she'd probably stuff it!
VELVET: Those aren't good reasons.
MERCEDES: Shut up, hooker!
VELVET: You're the hooker.
MERCEDES: Nuh-uh!
VELVET: Your name is Mercedes! That's a hooker name!
MERCEDES: No it's not!
VELVET: Anyone named after a car, a gemstone, or an alcohol has a hooker name. Mercedes is a hooker name.
MERCEDES: And Velvet isn't?
VELVET: Shut up!
MERCEDES: You shut up!
VELVET: Ingway, back me up!
MERCEDES: No, back ME up!
INGWAY: Not getting involved.
OSWALD: Must everyone be an idiot? I'm Oswald. I have dark powers and a cursed fate. Then again, who isn't cursed?
MERCEDES: I'm not cursed! Gwendolyn isn't either!
INGWAY: Gwendolyn is married to emo boy. That is a curse worse than death.
OSWALD: Say that with a sword buried in your throat!
INGWAY: Good thing the Darkova has three throats! Beast transformation! ROOOOAR!
NARRATOR: Not in my fucking living room! Take it outside!
KER-RACK!
NARRATOR: Damn it! I needed that wall!
MERCEDES: At least they took it outside.
NARRATOR: Zip it. Cornelius, wrap up here. I have to kick some ass. AIAIAIAIAI!
GWENDOLYN: Um…Shouldn't we help?
MERCEDES: No. Cornelius? You gonna get rid of the readers?
CORNELIUS: I'm a bunny! See you next time!
INGWAY: RAHR! I NEED THAT ORGAN!
NARRATOR: Take that! Die, biatch!
MERCEDES: Wow. Remember not to piss him off.
OSWALD: Where did this power come from?!?
NARRATOR: Who knows? DIE! DIE! DIE!
MERCEDES: Cornelius! He told you to get rid of those people!
CORNELIUS: I told them goodbye.
MERCEDES: You have to hit the OFF switch.
VELVET: Duck! Flying kidney!
MERCEDES: HIT THE BUTTON!
*Click*
End of Chapter One