Summary: Even a master thief had better eat.

Disclaimer: I'm just a fanfiction author. All hail the rightful owners.

Dedication: Happy Birthday to Green Lion! I hope you like this humor story.

"Surname?" The man behind the desk asked.

"Nigh…" The young woman mumbled into the woodwork. "N-I-G-H."

"Hmph." The pen made a sharp scratching sound. "First name?"

"Eve."

There was some additional scratching. "Villains International League of Evil, the organization now acting as your employer, will procure for your use the standard W2 forms, within a reasonable period of time." Lee Galese proclaimed dryly.

"She pays taxes?" Eve kvetched incredulously.

The lawyer frowned. "The statement preceding your inquiry should be regarded as self-explanatory."

The new girl swallowed and muttered. "OK well I guess if they can put Al Capone away for tax evasion she might as well."

He didn't look amused.

"So uh… what happens now?"

"As I am merely the attorney consulting in this case, I am not at liberty to say. However, you should consult your peers in this matter."

"Peers?"

"That'd be us, new kid."

Eve turned her face to observe the triad of henchmen standing in the doorway. "My name's Eve." She said, somewhat confidently. "What's yours?"

The man farthest to the front gestured to himself. "Lars," his hand traveled. "Moe, and Sara."

"Glad to meet you."

With a slightly creepy smile, the lead man extended his hand. "Welcome to VILE, Eve."

Eve inhaled. "So how does this work?"

"We're your guides for the first week or so, until you get on your feet." Moe answered for the group.

Smiling, Eve answered. "Cool… so did you volunteer for the job?"

"Babysitting you?" Sara laughed. "Drew short straw."

Lars rolled his eyes. "Turns out I've got no luck."

"Ok then." The new employee did her best to sound self-sufficient. "Just tell me what to do and I'll be out of your hair."

"You're Carmen's assistant today."

"Um… what does that mean, exactly?"

"Think of it as a lady's maid crossed with a coat rack." Moe muttered.

"On the first day?" The young lady squeaked.

"Yep." Moe answered. "All the new guys do it."

"Why?"

"Cause, if you can't even say, 'Carmen want some coffee', how ya gonna say 'Carmen, that cable don't look quite right'? Then it's her elbow gets broke, and the rest of us have got to clean up your mess. You can't be scared of Carmen, not around here." Lars announced.

It occurred to Eve that, if Lars wasn't just posturing, he was probably the only person on the planet who wasn't afraid of Carmen Sandiego.

Sara snorted. "Why is it always broken elbows with you? It could be a lot worse than that."

Lars stuck his chin out. "I'm an optimist." He proclaimed. "Besides have you seen how many times she broke her elbow last year?"

Sara muttered. "I keep telling her, that thing's bad. I don't understand why she won't let me take it out and replace it with something more durable."

The thin man didn't look very pleased with the idea. "Because if you start replacing every part of boss that could work better you'll get…"

"…A cyborg with a human brain. What's your point?" Sara demanded.

"I like this version better." Chuckling, under his breath Lars commented. "Easier on the eyes."

"You sleazebag!" Sara exclaimed.

Lars retorted. "Loony!"

"I am not loony! I'm just… trying to establish evidence for an insanity defense. In case I ever need it."

"Good job." Lars applauded.

Eve looked away from the argument in front of her, and glanced at Moe.

He smiled at her. "They mean just do it."

Eve took a deep breath. "Yeah I was kind of figuring on that. But I don't know anything about dealing with her. How am I supposed to know what to do?"

"No problem." He procured a book and passed it over.

"A manual?" Eve kvetched. "Carmen comes with a manual?"

Sara snorted. "The only problem is it's absolute fiction."

Lars glowered. "Then how come it works? Well sorta works."

Hands on her hips, the scientist declared. "Placebo effect."

"Good job ruining that for Eve!" Lars snapped.

Eve was moderately amazed that Lars even knew what the placebo effect was, but she decided to put her head down and read before things got out of control. "These nutritional charts…" She muttered. "I'm supposed to cook for her?"

"Naw… Kat V. R. takes care of the kitchen. You just gotta remind her to eat."

Eyebrows rose. Eve asked. "Doesn't she eat on her own?"

"Nope." Lars announced cheerfully. "Boss is a little too on the focused side sometimes. She forgets. So here's how it works right. Ask her if she wants something. If she ignores you, grab something from the kitchen, and wave it under her nose until she grabs it to get it out from in front of whatever she's doing. Repeat four hours later."

That sounded terrifying. "Is that necessary? I mean, she's a grown woman."

"Yes it is." Lars snapped. "Because otherwise she will forget and she will pass out and we will all be very screwed."

Sara glared and hushed her colleague. "Let's put it this way." She grabbed a piece of paper, beginning a sketch. "Let the abscissa represent the relative difficulty of the task, and let the ordinate represent Carmen's ability. Then, the curve looks something like…"

"Exponential growth." Eve interpreted.

"Oh bother," Moe muttered. "Another smart one."

"Ok…" Eve muttered. "I think I get it… only one problem. According to this, Carmen shouldn't be able to breathe."

Nearly growling, Sara retorted. "Fine, so the model breaks down for low values of the difficulty, the point is that we are all totally dependent on someone who, if we didn't watch her, would weigh eighty pounds and have Albert Einstein hair."

"And that's why we all need to watch out for boss." Lars said pointedly. "Starting with making sure she gets enough food and at least eight glasses of water a day. And right now she needs to be eating breakfast, so scram."

"You're late." The thief informed her new employee.

Eve's mouth dropped open. After that whole rant about how tough Carmen was to wake up, she found her boss already awake? Not to mention dressed, in what looked like cargo pants and a dark tank top. She looked like a video game tough-girl, albeit with a higher neckline. "It's six thirty." Eve commented. "Local time."

Carmen just stared back at her and didn't say a word.

"Err… what are you doing?"

Straightfaced, Carmen declared. "Getting a gauge on how nervous you are."

"I'm terrified."

The master thief shrugged. "You're forming complete sentences. That puts you in the top 95th percentile or so."

"For the first day?" Eve squawked.

"That depends on how picky you want to be about grammar."

"Oh…" It was time for a nice deep breath. "Do you want me to get you something for breakfast?" That statement was far more difficult to say than Eve had even anticipated.

"No thank you." Carmen replied politely.

What on earth was she supposed to do if Carmen didn't want to eat? "Uh… I… Um…. I think that…. Err…."

Though her eyebrows raised slightly at the faltering attempts to express the mandate, Carmen evidently had opted to rescue Eve from her incompetence, for she added calmly. "I have something here already."

"You…" Eve's powers of observation partially returned. "You have a mini-fridge in your room? Isn't that a little college freshman?"

Without saying a word, Carmen simply waited for Eve to modify her statement.

"Oh my goodness! I shouldn't have said that to you. I meant… I mean I…."

With a small impatient gesture, Carmen cut off the stammering. "How about a cup of coffee?"

"Ok… coffee… right." The new girl bolted from the room.

Upon her return, Eve stood in the door, mug in hand and jaw ajar. "What are you eating?"

The thief swallowed, and then smiled. "Beef jerky with hot sauce."

Eve could smell the spice from across the room. "Isn't it a little early?"

Not seeming particularly phased, the thief took her time with an answer "Depends on which time zone you're in."

"How about this one?" Eve ventured.

Merrily Carmen laughed. "I do hope you're not the worrying type. This could be a very long day for you."

"Oh…" Shyly, Eve dug around in her purse and extended an antacid.

"I don't need that." Carmen said inscrutably. "This is just composed of cayenne. It is not as if it were made of ghost peppers."

Eve sincerely hoped Carmen did not habitually consume ghost peppers. "Ok… um… so… how about that coffee?"

Quickly raising the mug to her hot sauce stained lips, Carmen took a deep sip. Frowning slightly, she set the cup back down.

The new girl swallowed.

"Eve." Carmen said very slowly. "Do you understand the difference between coffee brewed in Ireland and Irish Coffee?"

"Of course I do it's…" It suddenly occurred to Eve that she hadn't watched her mischievous colleagues prepare the drink. "Oh wait…"

It was going to be that kind of day.