Chapter 1
It started out as what seemed to be a regular Wednesday morning.
Stan Marsh just finished having breakfast when his dad, Randy Marsh, who was still in his bathrobe and pajamas, entered the kitchen, appearing a little unnerved.
"Hey Stan," Mr. Marsh said, "hate to bother you, but there's something out front I think you should see."
Stan looked at his dad with confusion, "Why? What's going on?"
Mr. Marsh scratched the back on his head, as if feeling a little awkward talking about something, "Would you believe me if I told you there's a handful of teenaged girls dressed like you kneeling in prayer in front of the house?"
"Seriously?" Stan said in disbelief, he then promptly ran to the living room and looked out the front window to exactly what his dad said was happening; a trio of girls in their mid to late teens kneeling on the sidewalk in front of the house and praying.
Randy followed him and said, "I tried to talk to them to see what's what, but they kept yelling 'blasphemer' at me until I went back inside."
Stan couldn't believe the sight he saw, Stand thought to himself, who the hell are they? Why are they praying in front of the house? And why are they dressed in teen-sized versions of my clothes?
"Any idea why they're here?" Stan asked.
"You're guess is as good as mind, but they've been just praying here for about an hour" Mr. Marsh replied, as he was clearly as confused, "I think it might have something to do with you."
Stand gave his dad a deadpan look and snarked, "I think I'd remember if my coat and hat became all the range in fashion circles. Think I should talk to them?"
"Well, those girls don't want anything to do with me, your mom went to work early, and I somehow doubt Shelly would want to have anything to do with them, so yeah, good call," Mr. Marsh said in agreement, "Don't worry, I'll keep watch in case things get out of hand."
"Yeah…, you do that," Stan said as he headed out the front door.
As Stan approached the praying teens, the girls didn't seem to notice him and simply kept praying. When Stan was close enough, he first kept quiet out of curiosity so he could listen in on what the teen girls were saying in unison;
"May we aid those less fortunate by lending both ear and hand, may we protect our weaker kin from all harshness and oppression, let our hands strike down all foolish and evil enough to harm creatures of nature, let our eyes see what your enemies cannot, let our feet walk these new holy grounds so that we may baptize it in the waters on your infinitely superior empathy, and humble all who question or oppose you, Lord Stan, hear our prayer."
"Wait! Wait! 'Lord Stan'?-!" Stan exclaimed in shock.
Finally, upon hearing what Stan said, the teen girls quickly rose their heads to see him stand in front of them.
Two of the younger teen girls seemed a little shy toward Stan, but the third and oldest of the teen, who was a Caucasian girl with curly brown hair, looked at Stan with a combination of awe and amazement.
"O Stan the Empathetic," The brown-haired teen said, "We are deeply blessed and honored for you to bless us with your divine presence. How may we serve you?"
Stan could only stare at the three teens in shock.
One minute later, Stan went back into the house and found his dad was still standing near the living room window.
"So, what did you find out?" Mr. Marsh asked.
Stan scratched the back of his head awkwardly, then said, "Would you believe me if I you told those girls think I'm a god?"
Randy Marsh stared at his son in stunned silence for a few seconds…
…..
…..
…..
Then he fainted.
One hour later, Stan arrived at the bus stop and saw Kyle and Kenny were already here.
"Morning, guys," Stan greeted then sighed, "You won't believe what happened to me this morning."
"Let me guess, you got people dressed like you praying in front of your house?" Kyle asked.
"Wait," Stan said in surprise, "it's happened to you too, Kyle?"
"And Kenny as well," Kyle nodded then said with a slightly sarcastic tone, "Apparently I'm 'Lord Kyle The Wise'. Mom tried to shoo them off, but my so-called 'worshipers' only left when I told them to."
"You should see what happened at my house," Kenny said through his hood, "I woke up to see some orange-parka-wearing teenaged girls drop off some electric heaters and a dozen TV dinners as tribute to 'Lord Kenny the Hedonist'."
"The Hedonist?" Stan asked.
"Yeah, guess that makes me the Dionysus of fourth graders," Kenny shrugged, "But hey, house is a little warmer, so I'm not complaining."
"Wait," Stan said, "if you, Kyle, and I have people worshiping us as gods, would that mean…."
All three boys gave a look of absolute horror.
Kyle could only say, "Ooooooh, shit."
They suddenly heard a familiar voice;
"Hey, not too fast! You're making it too bouncy!"
Stan, Kyle, and Kenny all turned to see something they never thought they'd see;
Eric Cartman was being carried on a roofless litter that was being lifted by four heavily muscled teen boys whose build suggested they were high school jocks, possibly even high school football players. Those same teen boys were also dressed in teen-sized versions of Cartman's usual clothes.
The male Cartman worshipers stopped at the bus stop and lowered the litter, allowing Cartman to walk out.
"Hey guys!" Cartman greeting with surprising enthusiasm, "You're all not gonna believe this, but something amazing happened to me this morning."
"Let me guess, you're being worshiped as a god?" Kyle asked.
"Hell yes!" Cartman exclaimed, "This is the happiest day of my life, I got people just appearing at my doorstep ready to serve me, there's only one thing that can make this better."
Cartman pointed at one of the Cartman worshipers and said, "You there, as your god, I, Eric The Prideful, command you to…. Beat up Kahl."
"What!-?" Kyle exclaimed in shock.
"Kick Kahl's ass, kick him 'till he cries, your god has spoken," Cartman commanded.
But instead of attacking Kyle, the Cartman worshiper simply kneeled before his 'god' and said, "Forgive me, O Prideful One, but it would be sacrilegious to harm or ridicule another god."
"What!-? What are you talking about?" Cartman asked, "You all said that I'm your one true god!"
"Technically, yes," the kneeling Cartman worshiper said with a nod, "But as sworn Followers of the Mountain, our rules demand that we recognize and respect the godhood of all Children of the Mountain, all gods, even if they're not the ones we choose to worship."
"Wait, all gods?" Cartman asked curiously, he then turned to the three other boys, then started thinking for a few seconds, then turned back toward the kneeling worshipper, pointing his thumb at his three friends, "You mean…?"
"Yes, Lord Eric," The kneeling Follower replied, "Your divine friends Stan the Empathetic, Kyle the Wise, and Kenny the Hedonist, are all among the recognized gods to us, the Followers of the Mountain."
"Hold up," Stan intervened, "are you saying there are more people in town you people think are gods?"
"Oh, yes, Lord Stan," the kneeling Follower said, "As I'm but an acolyte. I myself have yet to fully memorize all their names. But I believe once you all reach school, you may find out which among your classmates have been blessed with divinity."
Kyle face-palmed, "Sigh, kids being worshiped as gods? That has to be one of the most insane things I've ever heard of, and that's saying a lot. I mean, who came up with this?"
"Forgive me, Divine Ones," the kneeling Follower finally stood up, "but I'm afraid I don't have that answer, but I know our Grand Priestess would be more than happy to answer any questions, would you like me to call her to arrange a meeting?"
The boys and the Cartman Followers suddenly heard the school bus coming.
"Oops, too late to call her," one of the Cartman Followers said, "But if you still wish to meet her, you'll likely find her in the Baskin-Robbins in South Park Mall, she likes to go there with her daughter every afternoon at 4:00 PM, fare thee well!"
The school bus made its stop and the boys quickly entered the bus and took their seats as the bus started driving off.