And now the sun is rising….
Crimson streaks color the sky. It marks another day that I spend another day without you. The fluffy white clouds reflect the rising sun, just like your yellow eyes.
You look like you're crying blood, my darling.
I fake 'til I'm numb…
It gets so hard, love. Yes, my heart is broken for you. But my pride doesn't let anyone else see. I try hard to be upbeat for you, for our children, but it just doesn't work…still our daughter sees, but I can tell she doesn't like to, doesn't want to…but I can't control what she sees.
What I feel.
In the dark I can't fight it 'til it disappears…
There's darkness everywhere, my love. In shadows, in secrets, in hope, in despair, in death, in life, even in the skies that we both look to for the strength to go on.
I can't fight the grief that numbs my mind, my heart, my body. I can't fight the jealousy that rages through me, assuring me I'm alive. Do I even want to fight anymore?
I've put up my fight…
I tried to fight. I tried to fight the tidal wave of darkness that threatened to overcame me, that day I joined our ancestors.
I tried to fight for our daughter, our son. But I couldn't, love. It was too strong, too fast, and I was too weak, my belly swollen with our kits.
Cuz I'm here in the end trying to pretend…
How on earth could I try to pretend any longer? I pretend it doesn't hurt, pretend I don't miss you, pretend I'm satisfied with watching over you from StarClan. But, the truth is, it does hurt, like I'm being cut in two. I miss you more than I could ever say. And I'm not satisfied with just watching. I want to be the pretty she-cat that sleeps beside you every night, that hunts and fight with her pelt brushing yours, who you would die for, whose green eyes sparkle like gems.
How could I want so badly to be Millie?
I'm left here by myself and I wonder what went wrong…
Where did everything take a turn for the worse, my love? Was it the day I felt so badly I needed to see you, even though my kits were due that day? Was it when Firestar found us together, threatened to tell his leader about us? Or was it that day, leaf-bare frost coating the ground, when the ice cracked under your paws and you plunged into rushing water, and I knew without a doubt that I couldn't let you die? When was it?
And now my heart is broken…
I've never regretted saving you, though. I've never regretted the midnight meetings at Fourtrees, with the huge oaks casting their shadows over our pelts. I've never regretted a single moment we've spent together, my Graystripe…
…Or am I just hungover you?