200th Special
New Life: Chapter One
Emerald Dusk
Forever To Live One Day
My name is Sam Puckett. I'm one of the twin Puckett sisters. My mother's name is Pamela. I have no father: he abandoned us when I was very young.
How do you sleep at night?
Do you even wonder if we're all right?
My small family used to live in a filthy, nearly abandoned apartment on the bad side of Seattle. There, I went to grade school, watched my mom take to liquor, and felt true pain for the first time. Melanie always cried; I always wondered if Mom hit her like she did to me. I stuck up for her; acted like the big sister, and like the mother we were supposed to have.
It's been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren't you there all the nights that we cried?
You broke my mother's heart
You broke your children for life
It's not okay
But we're all right
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long lost memory of mine
It's weird. When I was growing up, they used to always teach me to trust other people, to have faith in them. Why didn't life reflect that? The only way I could protect myself and stay safe was to guard myself and hide my emotions. I didn't used to, and they tore me apart for it; it was monstrous. My friends did everything they could to betray my secrets. They used to promise to meet me after school or church; I'd never seen them run so fast as soon as the last bell rang. Then, when I didn't see them running, I waited all alone. I used to cry; I used to think the world was broken. That's the only way it all made sense. It never ceased to amaze and horrify me; the length these good people went to just to hurt me. I think the worst part of it all was...they made me feel like they were my friends, but they told me lies and hurt me behind my back.
The days I spent
So cold, so hungry
Were full of hate
I was so angry
When I finally realized the world was a bad place, I broke down; I begged for my friendships back. My independence was shattered when I saw the world around me. The world I shut out: they didn't miss me. I was just a burden. My heart broke when I realized it. But I couldn't disappear; I wouldn't kill myself; I had to exist; I had to be here. Then, all the sudden, it didn't matter; I needed friends. Or maybe just mourners. Somewhere along the line, I lay my weary head on Carly Shay's shoulder, knowing Freddie Benson wasn't far away. I had always been the tough one; the cold one; the strong one...Now people can see everything I used to hide. I'm exposed and vulnerable. Now, I cry at night.
I never thought I'd feel this
Guilty and I'm broken down inside
Living with myself nothing but lies
I start crying when I'm all alone in my house. Melanie's gone; she abandoned me. Left me to grow up alone. Mom's not here now; I'm sitting on my bed, crying, and trying not to fall asleep. There was nothing; nothing to stop me from tearing myself apart. My tears got hotter and hotter until they burned my face as they streamed down. My face, having tensed up and contorted into an agonized smile as the blood rushed into my cheeks and my eyes lost their vision, was now dull and weak; I struggled to keep my eyes open, and I no longer had the ability to express emotion. I had to make it through the night; just one more night, and things would be better.
I always thought I'd make it
But never knew I'd let it get so bad
Living with myself is all I had
I feel numb
I can't come to life
I feel like I'm frozen inside
Carly and I sit together, and I tell her everything. For the first time, I want to break down in public. I still hold it back, though; I keep swallowing the massive lump in my throat; keep blinking out of the tears, and covering my nose as it ran. I know Freddie hears us; he sits by Carly and I, too guilty to leave, and too afraid to speak up. I know he understands, and I fear this more than anything. The lights in the gym buzz high above us, but they're not enough to hide my gasps as my emotions spiral into another fit. Carly takes me to the girl's room, just trying to spare me more pain and embarrassment. She grabs a tissue and wipes my eyes, even though I fight her. She hugs me, gently rubbing my back in an attempt to calm me. A tear wells up in my eye, then slides down my cheek, and drops onto the ground.
If I can let the memory heal
I will remember you with me on that field
I lie under my sheets, covering my head and trying to keep reality out. I know Mom's downstairs, and I can still taste blood from her beating earlier today; the sun was setting in the horizon, and I had the orange and scarlet colors to comfort me as my body succame to bruises and wounds. Now, I force back my screams and teas, gritting my teeth together and begging to not believe it all.
When the love in letters fade
It's like moving in slow motion
And we're already too late if we arrive at all
And then we're caught up in the arms race
An involuntary addiction
And we're shedding every value our mothers taught
Another night, I lay under the sheets, staring at the ceiling. It's quiet. I can hear vague sounds and noises, but they're not enough to prove to me that I'm awake. I like that feeling. It's so dark; I can't tell if my eyes are open or not. Then, I start thinking about Mom, and I feel a sense of security within my bed.
Downstairs the enemy sleeps
Leaving the TV on
Watching all the dreams
We had turn into static
I think things were happy once; I think Mom, Melanie, and I lived a happy life. We didn't cry or hide or drink. We were honest with ourselves and our emotions. But I need to let go of that. I have to live in this world; in the present. I need to accept that the sun is still out; that I'm safe and at home with Carly and Freddie in the iCarly studio. We have something going on; our own thing. Our own problem. We won't have to beat or bleed this out; this is about friends.
And we're already too late...If we arrive at all.
Freddie and I kiss; Kiss in the rain; Kiss for the first time. Then, when we let go, we're still people; we're still ourselves. Nothing changed. We were no better or worse because of it. I remember how the rain felt that night; It felt like being away from home. It felt warm, but so alien. I felt drenched; it felt late at night.
Show me what you can become
There's a dream in everyone,
And it's all real.
I made up my mind; I'm not going home. Spencer readies the camera, I feel Carly and Freddie's hands meeting against my back, the three of us press together, and we smile. Then, there's a flash, and we're all older now. I live alone. I still hear from Carly and Freddie every now and then, but things aren't the same. We're no better or worse because of it all... No, I think we're better. Better to have tried. Better to have each other. Better...somehow. I held onto the name for Melanie...
Love,
Samantha Puckett.