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Some choices we live not only once but a thousand times over, remembering them for the rest of our lives. – Richard Bach

Bella and Edward were in love. It was an all consuming, overpowering love fueled by passion and possessiveness. But when their relationship started to self-destruct, leaving in its wake broken hearts, broken promises and broken ribs, Bella left. Three years later Edward and Bella reconnect. Can a love that has been to hell and back rise from the ashes and begin anew or will they finally finish what they started?

Chapter 1 ~ Damn Tequila

I still had no idea why I had agreed to go to this stupid party. Yes, you do. Okay, I did. I was going because Alice was my best friend in the whole world and she asked me to. I was going because her husband, Jasper, was also one of my closest friends and it was his birthday. So, here I was, walking up the steps to their house, and I couldn't help but be consumed with the feeling of dread and anticipation.

I knew he was going to be here and he was bringing her. Stupid bitch. Okay, I knew that made me sound bitter and jealous, but she was hanging around Edward long before things had ended with us. I knew she was just waiting for the opportunity to be with him. I just hoped she knew the only reason she was on his arm was because I had let him go. God only knew what we would have done to one another if I'd stuck around any longer. It didn't have to mean that I was happy about the fact that she walked around on his arm like the cat that ate the canary.

Ever since Alice started planning this party, it had been nothing but drama in one way or another. First, I had Alice freaking out because she thought I wouldn't come since they were going to be there.

"I know you don't want to hear this, Bella, but Edward and Tanya are coming to Jasper's party. There was just no way to avoid it. He is one of Jasper's best friends and it would kill him if Edward wasn't there."

Alice was talking so fast that anyone else would've had a hard time understanding a word she said. However, since we had been friends for the past sixteen years, I'd gotten used to her speed talk. It did get a little more difficult to understand when she was nervous.

"Alice, slow down! I know I haven't seen or spoken to Edward in a while, but we are adults. We can handle being in the same room together for a few hours, especially for Jasper's sake," I said firmly. I wasn't sure who I had been trying to convince...Alice or myself.

"Yeah, well, that's what I told Jasper. I mean, Edward and Tanya will probably only stay for a little while, anyway. You know she can't stand to share him with any of his old friends."

A few weeks later, I had to deal with a frantic Alice because she thought Edward wasn't coming to the party.

"Bella, I thought you should know that Edward just sent me a text saying they weren't coming to Jasper's party. He claims that it will make Tanya feel uncomfortable since you will be there, and he doesn't want to put her through that kind of a negative situation. Can you believe that shit? I told him if he was willing to miss his best friend's birthday party, because his bitch of a girlfriend can't handle being in the same room as his ex-girlfriend, then he wasn't the friend to Jasper that I thought he was. I told him Jasper would feel the same way."

Alice had been pissed, but I knew she'd been worried for Jasper. What kind of best friend didn't come to your birthday party? I was pissed because Edward was somehow making Tanya the victim in this and making me out to be the bad guy. How was my being at the party a "negative situation?" What the fuck was that supposed to mean? They were my friends, too, and I had every right to be there.

I understood that Edward and I had quite a history. You didn't date someone for seven years and walk away without one. But it wasn't like he cheated on her with me. I couldn't help but chuckle at that last statement. In reality, it was probably the other way around. Nothing was ever confirmed on his side, but sometimes you just knew these things. That was why after we broke up and he started dating Tanya, it hurt. A lot. Not because he had moved on, but because he had moved on with her. It only confirmed my suspicions.

"Alice, maybe I shouldn't come. Edward is Jasper's best friend. I don't want to be the reason he doesn't come to the party. Jasper won't even miss me."

I'd practically begged Alice to let me off the hook. I wanted to be there for Jasper, but I didn't need or want this kind of drama in my life. Since we'd broken up, my life had been relatively drama-free.

"Bella, don't be stupid. Jasper loves you and wants you at his party, just the same as Edward. In fact, when I told Jasper about the situation he was pissed. He was mumbling something about 'bros' before hoes'' or some shit like that. Bella, I need you here. You are my best friend and I want you at this party, too. You don't want to leave me all alone to entertain Jasper's weird friends, do you?" Alice whined into the phone.

If there was one thing I had learned, it was to never underestimate a guilt trip by Alice Brandon. So when Alice had called me back the next morning on my way into work to say Edward had called and apologized, I wasn't the least bit surprised.

I decided at the last minute to invite Jake. He and I had only been out a few times, and I wasn't really sure where it was going, if anywhere, but I figured it would be nice to have a distraction. I couldn't get Edward's words out of my head: a "negative situation." Edward and I were not on bad terms anymore. Sure, when we had first broken up things were rough, but somewhere in the past three years we had found a common ground. We certainly didn't hang in the same groups anymore, but that was more because of who he was dating than anything else. That, and I had been avoiding Edward like the plague for the past three years. I just knew what being near him did to me, and I couldn't be that weak again.

I just couldn't understand how he could treat me like I was the problem here. Was she really all that important to him that he would openly treat me as if I was a threat to their relationship? I knew this party wasn't going to end well. Some shit was bound to hit the fan.

"Bells, you OK?" Jake asked with concern in his eyes. Jake was very tall with dark skin and brown eyes. I had always had a thing for guys that were quite a bit taller than me. I liked when I stood on my tip-toes to kiss them. They usually put their arms around my waist, right above my ass. It also didn't hurt that he had an amazing body. Thankfully Jake wasn't one of those guys that spent more time at the gym then he did at home.

"Yeah, Jake. Just a little distracted. Thanks so much for coming to this with me. I know you won't know very many people, but I have no doubt you will fit right in."

Jake knew a little about me and Edward, but there was really no point in going into too many details with him. We had only been together for a short time, and Edward and I had been apart for so long that it didn't really seem to matter. I had given him a little bit of background information before the party, so he wouldn't be going in blind. Did I tell him that walking away from Edward was one of the hardest things I had ever had to do in my life? No. Did I tell him that deep down I knew a part of me would always belong to Edward, even though I knew I couldn't be with him? No. But I knew and that made going to the party even harder.

"It's about time, Bella!" Jasper slurred from the other side of the living room as I walked in. I laughed because I could tell he was already well on his way to being drunk.

"Hey, Jazz, Happy Birthday, old man!" I laughed as Jasper almost fell off the stool as he was trying to stand up to give me a hug.

"Christ, Alice, how much has he had to drink? Don't you want him to remember his party?"

"Oh, shush, Bella, I can't wait to see how sober you are at your birthday party. It's not that far away, just remember that."

Alice knew I hated my birthday. I hated any event in my life that required all the focus to be on me. Something about being uncoordinated and accident prone tended to make being the center of attention a little less enjoyable.

Shortly after Edward and I had started dating, I introduced Alice and Jasper. He had been Edward's roommate at the time. Soon enough we'd gotten tired of him hanging around all the time when were trying to be together, so we figured we'd pawn him off on Alice a few times. Little had we known that they'd end up falling in love and getting married. At the time I thought that Edward and I would end up just like them. That was before everything went to hell.

As I looked around the house, I couldn't help but be in awe of Alice's party planning expertise. There were balloons, candles, flowers, and a DJ in the corner playing incredible music. If anyone could throw a party it was Alice. I didn't know how she had done it, but her parties were legendary. Something told me this one would be no different.

Suddenly, looking around the party, everything seemed to be going in slow motion. I was nervous to see Edward. Better yet, I was dreading seeing him with Tanya.

"Bells, I am going to go get a beer. Can I get you something? Rum and Coke, right?" Jake asked, after I had introduced him to Alice, Jasper, and a few others around the room.

Before I could answer, I heard Edward's velvet voice from behind me. "Rum and Pepsi."

I turned around and there he was, my own personal God. Edward was gorgeous. He was tall, not as tall as Jake, but still tall enough that I had to stand on my tip toes to kiss him. His eyes were still that beautiful shade of green, almost like holding an emerald up to the sun. It didn't matter how long we were apart, but every time I was near him, I felt that same pull. It was like gravity no longer held me to this earth, but held me to him. I remembered that sense of loss when I had left him. It was like my body didn't know where it belonged anymore, almost like I was freefalling in space.

Fuck, I need a drink.

"Huh?" was Jake's brilliant response. He probably though Edward was asking for his own drink. I couldn't help but chuckle at Edward's amused expression. Jake and I hadn't really been together enough for him to learn all my weird little quirks, one of which being that I didn't like Coke.

"Bella, doesn't drink Coke. She'll have a Rum and Pepsi," Edward said to Jake, and then gave me a wink and his best panty-dropping smile. Damn. It still got me every time.

I thought that now would be a better time than any to introduce them.

"Jake, this is Edward. Edward, this is Jake," I said with as much friendly enthusiasm as I could muster. A look of recognition flashed across Jake's face, and just as quickly, he turned to glare at Edward.

"Nice to meet you," Jake and Edward said while shaking hands. The way they were looking at each other, I almost expected them to whip out their dicks and start measuring.

"Jake, let's go get that drink now. I could use a drink," I said as I pressed my hand to Jake's chest, and grabbed his hand, pushing him towards the kitchen. I couldn't help but notice the look on Edward's face when he noticed my hand in Jake's.

As I walked into the kitchen I came face-to-face with Tanya. She was beautiful, by all typical standards. She had long strawberry-blonde hair with soft waves. She was tanned, but not overly so. She had big, blue eyes and long slender legs. Everything any guy could ask for and everything I was not. I was short with brown eyes and dark-brown hair. Most days I was lucky to get it to do anything but stick out all over the place. Curly hair and the local humidity made it pretty hard to do much with my hair. My figure had some curves to it, but overall I was very average and very plain. I never could understand what Edward had seen in me in the first place, and seeing him with my exact opposite only drove home those insecurities.

When Jake and I walked into the kitchen, Tanya looked up. I couldn't tell which emotion stood out stronger on her face, happiness at seeing me there with someone else, or hatred for being in the same area code as Edward. Either way, she walked right by me and straight into Edward's arms like she was staking some kind of claim. When she saw me looking her way, she smirked. I watched as Edward came up beside her and wrapped his his arm around her, walking out onto the deck to talk to some others.

We were all standing around catching up and laughing at stories of Jasper from college, when suddenly we heard the door slam and Emmett's loud, obnoxious voice. "Where the fuck is my baby brother? I think I need to get a few birthday licks in to celebrate!"

Emmett was Jasper's older brother and they couldn't be more opposite. Jasper was quiet, shy, and had a way of calming everyone around him. He was insightful and gentlemanly. Emmett was built like a line backer and had the mouth of a sailor on leave. Putting all that aside, Emmett was the kindest guy anyone could ever meet, but he was pain in the ass, too.

"Sorry, Alice, I tried to get him to hold off on drinking till he got here, but I am afraid he is already pretty drunk. It's going to be a long night," Rosalie said as she walked into the room.

Rosalie was Emmett's wife, and she was beautiful. She also did a good job of keeping Emmett in check when the rest of us couldn't. "Beautiful and tough as nails" were the words Emmett used to describe her the first time he met her. He couldn't have been more right.

"What the fuck is Edward doing here with that bitch, Tanya?" Rosalie whispered to me.

"He's Jasper's best friend, of course he'd be here, Rosalie. And since she is his girlfriend now, it only makes sense that she'd come, too. Please don't make a big deal over it," I pleaded. Alice and Rosalie were my best friends and they would do anything to protect me, including dump an entire pitcher of margarita's on her head. No, I am not joking. They did it once to this girl Lauren Mallory. Bitch had it coming to her.

"Bella, do you need a nipple with that drink? Damn, girl, it's a party not a funeral," Emmett said as he came back in the room after harassing Jasper. I couldn't help but laugh when I saw Jasper rubbing his arm. I guess Emmett got a few licks in after all.

"Alright, Em, let's do this." I smirked as I reached up and grabbed the bottle of tequila.

His face lit up with that shit-eating-grin of his as he said, "Line 'em up!"

Alice squealed and lined up six shot glasses as Emmett grabbed the bottle out of my hand. "I'm driving, count me out this time," Jake said.

Just as Alice was about to take one shot glass down, I heard that damn voice again. "Hey, Alley Cat, why don't you just add one more for Tanya and count us in," Edward said as he walks into the kitchen, Tanya trailing behind him like a lovesick puppy dog.

Alice added the seventh shot glass with a scowl on her face for good measure, and Emmett filled the glasses up to the rim. Once he was done, we all raised our glasses, knocked them back and laughed. Just like old times. At the moment I was enjoying having all my friends in one place again. It had been so long and nothing felt right anymore, but this moment felt right. I was brought out of my thoughts with a bitter reminder of why things are longer the same.

"Ewww, Eddie! How do you guys drink this shit?" Tanya whined. "I'm going to go talk to Heidi and Felix. Are you coming?"

I laughed out loud. "Yeah, Eddie, go talk to Heidi and Felix." He hated the nickname Eddie. Why was he letting her get away with that?

"No, sweetie, you go ahead. I am going to hang out and talk to Jasper and these guys for a little while. I won't be long," he said as he gave her a kiss on the cheek.

Sweetie? I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. I could tell she wasn't thrilled at the idea of leaving him alone, but she smiled and headed outside, but not before giving me a backwards glance.

"What the fuck? You let her call you Eddie?" Emmett asked while taking another shot.

"What's the big deal, Em? It's just a nickname. Shut the fuck up," Edward snapped back, but I could tell he was embarrassed. I couldn't help but glance over at him and notice he was looking back at me with an odd look.

Why was this so hard? I had made the right decision. We would've killed each other, one way or another. I convinced myself of that a long time ago. So why was I doubting myself now? Damn tequila.

"Bella, I have to be at work early in the morning. Do you mind if I take you home now?" Jake asked a little while later.

The guys were in the corner playing cards, and some of the girls were dancing in the other room. I wasn't ready to leave yet. "Jake, do you mind if I stay here. I'll crash on Alice's couch. It's not the first time-"

"And it won't be the last, you lush!" Alice yelled from the other room. I swear she has the hearing of a bat.

As I walked Jake to the door, I noticed Edward look up from his card game to watch us. It made me nervous, but something about the look in his eyes made my chest hurt. "Goodnight, Jake. Thanks for coming with me. I had a really nice time," I whispered, still feeling the burn of Edward's gaze on my back. Jake noticed, too, because I could see the look of jealousy in his eyes.

Suddenly he leaned in and kissed me hard on the lips. I kissed him back, but it felt awkward and forced. Part of me knew that this kiss was more for Edward's sake than mine. I pulled away from him and gave him a small smile. "Thanks for inviting me, Bella. I will call you tomorrow."

I closed the door after he left, and I turned around to the rest of the room. "What?" I asked when I noticed they were all staring at me. Edward's face was unreadable, but before I had time to decipher what it was he was thinking, he got up and threw his cards down on the table. I watched him walk away.

After ignoring curious glances from Rose and Alice, I headed to the kitchen and started making another drink. As I finished putting ice in my glass, I turned around and came face-to-face with Edward's burning eyes.

"What the fuck, Edward? Someone should tie a damn bell around your neck. You scared the shit out of me," I said, trying to get my heart rate to slow down.

"Sorry, I forgot how jumpy you are," Edward laughed, running his fingers through his hair. "So, you and Jake seem pretty cozy. How long have you been seeing him?"

"Edward, don't," I said, trying to make my way past him.

"Don't what, Bella? You wanted to be friends, this is what friends do." I could hear the patronizing tone in his voice and it pissed me off.

"Edward, friends or not, you are still the same jealous guy I used to know. I saw the way you were looking at Jake when we said good-bye. Let's just leave well enough alone and go back to the party, please," I pleaded. I knew where Edward's jealousy led, and judging by the way I wanted to scratch Tanya's eyes out every time I looked at her, I wasn't doing much better. I was trying to end this before it got out of hand.

"How could I not look, Bella? You guys were practically fucking at the front door. I swear you did that shit on purpose to make me mad," Edward snapped back.

"It was a kiss goodnight. Jesus, Edward. What's it to you anyway? You brought Tanya here. Did you even stop to think how that would make me feel?" I spat back. I could feel that familiar rise coming out me. Same shit, different day.

"Hey, guys, what's going on?" Alice asked wearily as she walked into the kitchen.

"Nothing, Ali. Edward was just telling me what a great party this is. In fact, it's so good I'm going to go find Emmett and do another shot." I gave Alice a kiss on the cheek and walked out of the kitchen to leave Edward to himself. I couldn't go down this road again.

"Come on, Em, one more. Don't be a pansy-ass," I said. Even I had noticed how slurred my words were at that point. Everyone had gone home and Alice and Jasper went up to bed a long time ago. Before Emmett could fill up the glasses again, Rosalie grabbed the now almost empty bottle.

"Bella, you win. You broke my husband. It is now time for us to go home. I called a cab, it should be here any minute. Em and I are going to wait on the porch, so we don't miss it."

I walked them out and headed towards the living room when I saw Tanya passed out on the couch. Son-of-bitch, she's sleeping in my spot. What the hell is she doing here, and where is Edward? I looked back over to Tanya and ignored the little voice in my head that said to get a sharpie and write "BITCH" on her forehead, but still chuckled out loud.

"What's so funny, half-pint?" Edward whispered in my ear, sending shivers down my spine. Damn him and his sexy voice. I was about to turn around and tell him to take his girlfriend home, when my foot got caught on the rug and I fell into Edward's chest. Maybe it is the tequila, but damn he feels good under my hands.

"Easy there. You have had a lot to drink. Why don't you sit down?" Edward chuckled as he caught me in his arms.

I righted myself as quickly as I could and pushed myself off of him. "Why don't you take your bitch-ass girlfriend home, Edward? And don't call me half-pint," I said, trying to sound as mean as possible, but it only came off sad.

"What is your problem, Bella? You have been a bitch all night. Do you think it was easy for me to come here? On top of everything, your boy was acting like your fucking guard dog all night long. I couldn't even look in your direction without getting a look from him. I thought you didn't like possessive guys?" Edward asked with a smirk.

Fuck him. He's one of the most possessive guys I know, and he knows it, too.

"Are you fucking kidding me, Edward? Tanya hasn't let you within two feet of me all night, so don't talk to me about possessive," I spat the last word at him with as much venom as I could muster, trying not to cry.

Damn tequila always makes me cry.

"Bella, you have to understand it is hard for her to be here, to be around you." I couldn't help but notice some kind of hidden meaning in his words. "She knows what we meant to each other and she feels threatened, no matter how many times I tell her we are over. I came because I was trying to make Alice and Jasper happy."

Why did it bother me so much to hear him use words "meant" and "over"? That was what I wanted. No, it was what I needed.

"Bullshit! You came because Alice called you out on your shit. I know you weren't going to come. What was it you called it? That's right, a "negative situation." His face went blank. Did he really think Alice wouldn't tell me? "Fuck you, Edward. Since when am I a negative situation where you are concerned? I know we aren't together anymore, but I thought after everything we have been through, you at least owed me some god damn loyalty as a friend. Even if you never showed it to me when I was your girlfriend." At that point, I wasn't even trying to keep my voice down. In fact, I was screaming at him at this point.

"What do you want from me, Bella? You left me, remember? I was the one begging you to come back. I was the one left alone when you walked out the door. I didn't want it to be this way, you did. Why do you get to be the one to walk out and move on, but I can't?" he yelled back.

Damn, pissed off Edward is still fucking hot.

Stop that. You can't still think like that.

Stop crying. He's going to think the tears are over him. We don't cry over Edward Cullen anymore, remember?

I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself. I felt light headed and nauseous.

Damn tequila.

"Why her?" I whispered. He stared at me. I didn't think he heard me, so I opened my mouth to say it again a little louder this time. "Why-"

"I heard you. I...I just don't know how to answer that, Bella," he said hesitantly.

"How about honestly?" I said back.

He let out a sigh. "Because she's not you." I flinched at his words. All these years later and he could still break my heart. Only this time, it was my fault. I asked him for the truth and he gave it to me. All my worst fears confirmed in that one little sentence. Of course that was why he was with her.

I couldn't help the tears falling down, and I couldn't blame it on the tequila. Because tequila didn't make your heart hurt. Before I even realized it, I was on the floor sobbing, and I couldn't understand it. I had left him. I had to. We were poison for each other. We still were. So why did it feel like he was breaking up with me for the first time all over again?

"Bella, listen. You know I love you. I care about you a lot, but I think we should take a break."

"Edward, please. You don't want to do this. I love you and you love me. Why would you want to walk away from that?" I asked. I could hear the desperation in my voice, so I knew he could, too.

"Bella, it's just too much too fast. I don't want a serious girlfriend. I didn't come to college to settle down with the first girl I fell for. Please understand. I want us to stay friends...I want us to stay best friends. I can't imagine my life without you in it."

I remembered watching him get in his car and drive away. A few days later I had seen him out with Jessica Stanley. I remembered the feeling of not being enough for him. Three weeks later he had come back, and I had taken him back. That wouldn't be the last time he would leave me.

Suddenly everything went black.

Damn tequila.

Chapter Song: Mourning by Tantric

Is there something that you're trying to say
Don't hold back now
It's been a long time since I felt this way
So don't hold back now

I purposely forgot about
Loving anyone
Cause I'm the only one who has
Who has been stepped upon

Is there something that you're trying to say
Cause I can take it
Cause I grew up a man this way
And if I'm hurt I'll shake it

I'll crawl back into my cave
That's how I'll make it
Cause out of all this hurt we have
Beauty thus become
Beauty thus become

[Chorus:]
In the mourning I can see the sights
No wonder I could never keep you satisfied
In the mourning I can see inside
Myself and all the things that you were trying to hide
[Repeat]

Wishing all the best for you
And now I will say goodbye
Cause all the shit that we've been through
Put wisdom in my eyes

So walk away, don't turn around
'cause I won't be standing here
'cause all the lies that we've been living through
Are becoming very clear
And beauty thus become

[Chorus]

Then you conned me into thinking
That all I had was you
The small insinuations
Were cutting me through
Cutting me through

And now I stand alone here
Stronger than before
And I'll never go back
Never go back
Never go