Title: Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep
Author: Lokaia
Summary: 18 of a series of 30 for the LJ community 30Kisses. Have you seen Serenity yet? Go! It's wonderful, even if you don't know the series.
She doesn't like to sleep.
When she sleeps, she dreams; and when she dreams, she remembers.
She doesn't like to remember either.
She doesn't like being able to feel the cold of the table beneath her, the roughness of leather restraints, the piercing steel of a needle in her skin, in her head, in her brain. She doesn't like remembering what she saw, flashing images of blood and bone, screams and the final sighs of death.
It has other effects. But she doesn't like those either.
She doesn't like remembering her training. She doesn't like knowing which nerves to put pressure on to cut off the windpipe, paralyze the limbs, sever the spinal cord. She doesn't like knowing that at any time she could have a reason to use this knowledge.
She doesn't like remembering she HAS used this knowledge.
She doesn't like being able to hold a gun, being able to aim and shoot without setting her eyes on the target. She doesn't like being able to track someone by listening to the noise they aren't making anywhere but their head. She doesn't like being what she is.
When she sleeps, she remembers. And when she remembers, she's afraid. And when she's afraid, she gets angry.
Simon wouldn't be surprised. She hasn't changed since she was a little girl, striking out in fear when startled. He wouldn't be surprised at how she reacts. He might, however, be surprised at the change in which she reacts.
No longer does she scratch and slap, kick with flailing feet, screaming with mouth wide and voice high-pitched.
She is silent when she attacks, her posture straight, eyes focused and movements purposeful, striking as efficiently as possible. Get rid of the source of the fear so you won't be afraid anymore. Get rid of the fear, get rid of the anger, get rid of the memories. All in one shot, one hit, one fallen foe.
This is what she thinks of when she dreams. If these thoughts were known, surely the crew would know better than to wake her unexpectedly, or at least prepare themselves better.
Maybe, River reflects after she's been woken by a hand on her shoulder, after throwing a precise fist between Jayne's legs, after listening to the rush of air and tiny whimper as his eyes widen and he just LOOKS at her...
Maybe she should have told them why she doesn't like sleep.