Disclaimer: The Mediator belongs to Meg Cabot. Lyrics aren't mine either.

Rating: T

Summary: Sequel to 'Where Have All The Cowboys Gone'. It's been two weeks since Suze walked out on Jesse. Leaving him confused, broken and angry. But now it's time for Jesse to step up and admit his faults. And try to salvage a relationship that's slowly killing them both, together or apart.

A/N: Thanks for reading, the next part will be up soon. Please review :)

Let me hold you, For the last time, It's the last chance to feel again, But you broke me, Now I can't feel anything...

Broken Strings

The music of the club banged and vibrated through me. The air was stuffy and choked from the amount of bodies crowding the place. Pushing and shoving their way around other people. Some laughing off a drink getting spilled over them. Others deliberately picking a fight just to get rid of the excess energy the alcohol and music wasn't doing. And I took this all in with bleary uncaring eyes. Stuck in my cushioned seat closer to the dance floor than I wanted to be. Appealing woman sending me flirtatious, come-hither looks that was supposed to make me go to them. But I just shrugged off their attention. All with my friends eyeing me curious and frustratingly.

Someone fell into the seat next to me with a laugh. Swaying and knocking into me as I lifted a hand to take a swig from my beer bottle. But the collision had made it tip down my white shirt. The fluorescent blue from the lighting made the stain stand out even more. Clenching my fist, I started to feel the first stirrings of annoyance spring to fruition. I'd been darkly mulling and brooding for the past two weeks. And tonight, after being pushed and shoved out my door to come here by my friends; I was just looking for an excuse to let off some steam. My patience with people's blatant disrespect and inability to handle alcohol, not to mention everything else; finally snapping like a twig.

Scowling, I set the half full or half empty bottle onto the low glass table holding numerous other glasses and drinks. The man who'd fell into me got pulled back up to his feet and laughed at. I stood from my own stationary position and glared at the drunken man. My arms tense and coiled for action. He turned to look at me, laughing when he caught sight of the stain on my shirt. His friends laughing along with them. I took one deliberate step forward, my fist raised and pulled back ready to strike.

"Whoa!"

Just as I was about to throw my weight into knocking the drunken idiotic man to the ground, I felt arms wrap and curl around under my own and over my shoulders. Pulling me back as I sneered and struggled to release some anger on the man starting to realize he was about to be made mince meat of. "Jesse, stand down!" I narrowed my eyes at the man who stepped in front of me, blocking my view of my ignorant victim, sobering up quicker than he would have considering.

"Hey man, look. It was an accident!" His friends stepped up to his side, vouching for him too. I ground my jaw together to stop the scathing remark sure to burst out on my lips. It probably wouldn't have been heard anyway. The music was going up if that was even possible. And shouting was the only way to be heard over the beat and thumping of the club. I growled, needing to lash out and hit something. Or someone. But I wouldn't go through my friend to do it.

"Just take your friends and go!" Cameron, standing in front of me, shouted, turning back to glare at the drunken man. Now that he'd gotten over his shock that he was about to get into a brawl, with no understanding as to why; he was gearing up to enter it full on.

"No way! I didn't do anything and you fucking know it!" He glared, jabbing a finger in Cam's face to emphasize his point. His friends chorused and cheered him on. Making people around us start to turn and watch the fight soon to break out, if the men didn't listen or back down from Cameron's request. "He's the one who should be leaving! We were here first!" I could feel the sticky coldness of the drink he'd spilled onto me, without so much as an apology, against my skin. I looked down seeing the stain spread and felt my annoyance fuel.

It wasn't pure anger with what he'd done. It happened in clubs. You had to expect it when you're in a crowded place where you can't do anything but bump into each other. And I probably would have been okay if the man had heeded the warning and backed down. But he wasn't. And the growing anger, hate and disgust I'd been harbouring for myself for the past couple of miserable weeks, was coming out the only way I knew how. Drinking down my sorrows and killing and numbing the pain, by hurting someone else. A new development I'd mastered in the years I'd been with Susannah.

Just the thought of her had me roaring with fury. The sound made Cameron wince and the man holding me back to tighten his hold. Other than my two friends and the man I was currently ready to rip into, the cry was drowned out by a particularly heavy drum beat in the music. But the sound was primal, hurting and furious.

"Like I said," Cameron spat through clenched teeth. "Back off. You don't want to go against him. You really don't."

The man visible swallowed after taking one glance at me, seeing the fury and rage on my face. My need to smash and destroy anyone who pushed the wrong buttons. This, unfortunately for him, had done. His friends caught on and soon started pulling him away. Telling him it wasn't worth it. When we all knew they just didn't want to take whatever I dished out. It was rare I would pick a fight deliberately. I would stand side-by-side with my friends and help to defend them. And other than the quietly spoken word into someone's ear, which'd been trailing and gazing after Susannah all night, I would leave it alone.

But Susannah has changed me, in more ways than one.

Once he was gone and his friends were out of my direct sight, Cameron turned back to me and shook his head. My breathing was heavy and uncontrolled. My eyes flashing with fury that even as he looked at me with pity, was starting to ebb and pull away. A new dejected Jesse coming through. Someone who I didn't even recognize as myself anymore. It was like I was a ghost or phantom of my former self. The before and the after. No in-between and no solution. And the more time I'm apart from her, the more it feels like I'm losing that first incarnation anyway.

I was losing it with Susannah. And it was killing me without her.

"What the fuck is wrong with you!?" Cameron yelled, looking as though he'd enjoy nothing more than to give me my own beating. Maybe he should, just to knock my world back into balance and bring back a spark of the man I was once before. It's terrifying how Susannah makes me feel small and inferior in seconds. But on the next breath, I feel like the greatest, most powerful man in the world; just because Susannah loves me.

How did she getin? How did I lether in? And how do I get her back?

I pulled and shrugged off Connor. "Get off me!" I grouched, brushing down my shirt and dropping to my seat again. Exhausted, weary and spent. The adrenaline rush that had been humming through me was gone. And in its place, was a shaking, pale and drawn me. I ran a trembling hand through my hair as I lifted my head and grabbed the bottle of beer on the table. Trying anything to numb the pain that little bit longer. Downing the rest of the bottle, I felt it threaten to recoil and rebel against my empty body. But I always had had an iron stomach and I just sat back against the couch as the waves of dizzying sickness passed.

Cameron sat opposite me while Connor walked up to the bar. Shooting me a glance as he left. "What the hell's happened to you man?" Cam asked, leaning forward to stare into my face. "The last couple of weeks have been nothing but a drag. It's like Suze ripped your soul out and gave it back to in pieces. Tell me this isn't because of her?" All I did was raise my eyes to his. Not nodding, but not denying it either. He blew out a breath and grabbed his own drink again. A disgusted look on his face as he caught my eye.

"You've never been this hung up on her when you've split like this before. So why now? What's so different about this time? Apart from the fact you're better off without her. You're the worst matched couple I've ever fucking seen."

I knew Cameron had mixed feelings about Susannah. And she shared the same for him. Their mutual distaste for each other was something we all got used to. But his firm belief that the whole state of our relationship was Susannah's fault; just made a deep sadness and guilt come over me.

I took the beer Connor brought with him and fingered it in my hands. Rolling the cool bottle between my palms as I tried to find enthusiasm to drink it. "I don't think she's coming back this time," I answered eventually. Raising my eyes to Cam's disbelieving ones. "It's not like the others. I don't know how, but . . . " I raised the bottle and tried to wash away the rising emotion choking my throat. But it did nothing but burn and turn to poison in my mouth. I pulled down the bottle and looked at it. This wasn't even helping. It wasn't making me forget.

"What you need, bud," Connor grinned, eyeing the blond who'd been trying to put on a private show for me ever since I walked in. But I'd barely noticed her. "Is to go and wash off the stain of Suze, with that hot babe checkin' you. That'll make you forget about her and move on." I sneered at his supposed all knowing look. My stomach roiling at just the thought of doing something like that. Knowing, all I'd want was Susannahin my arms. Susannah calling my name. Not some cheap girl to wash away the pain.

As hard as it would be for Susannah or anyone else to believe; I've never cheated on her. And I don't plan to start now.

The growing air of disinterest and lack of understanding on my friends part, made me place my full bottle down on the glass table with a clink and rise to my feet. Grabbing my black leather jacket from the back of the couch and shrugging into it. Cameron stood too, and Connor just gaped at me. "Where are you going? The nights not even started yet!" Flicking my collar up, I gave him a levelling gaze. Knowing exactly what was running through his mind. Because it was running through mine too.

'Suze's made you weak. She's changed you, man,'

I could hear it as loudly as if he'd shouted it over the full club. In front of all these strangers just looking for a good time, I couldn't join them in. "I'm going," I nodded to Connor. "You'll have a better night than having to pull me away from starting fights anyway. I'll come out some other time." I didn't wait around for him to say anything, as I turned and walked through the whithering hyper bodies of everyone crowding around me. I had a feeling the possible fight I was referring too, would have been with them before the end of the night. Their blatant disrespect for Susannah stung with their words.

I broke out through the door, stumbled a couple of steps before I managed to catch my balance. Taking in deep drags of the cool air licking my skin and face. When I raised my eyes to the night sky, I saw patches of stars breaking through the clouds threatening rain. That was how our relationship was like. Stormy, wild and depressing. But then, just like the stars, it offered peace, understanding and a deep knowledge that we're part of something unbreakable and strong. But that realization as I looked up at the patchy night sky wouldn't help me now. I was on my own, and I had no idea where to start.

I pulled the collar of my jacket up and around my neck. Fighting back the wind whipping at my hair and loose clothes. The wet stain on my shirt stuck to my skin from the breeze plastering it there. I started off for my apartment. Passing by drunken people out for a good time. Hanging off each other as they filtered from one party to the next. Passing by couples hand in hand as they took a midnight stroll, not knowing where, and not caring. I felt a pang of envy and jealousy at how relaxed and at peace they seemed with one another. Images and flashed memories of our times, making the pain burn deeper. Leaving a scarred and brittle symbol where my heart and soul used to be.

Now just a broken husk of a man. One brought down by the last thing I ever expected or agreed to have.

The rain started soon into my trek home. The fine drizzle that was more like mist but worse than a downpour, made my leather jacket feel heavy and stiff. And the cold seeped far deeper than the clothing and skin contact. It went bone deep. Mind, body and soul deep. I hailed a taxi as soon as I could. Flagging one down that pulled over and waited for me to run up to it. Sliding into the back seat, I rattled off my broken address and sat back to watch the lights and blurred images of the scenery pass me by. It wasn't my home anymore. It wouldn't be again, until Susannah walked back through my door and refused to close it behind herself again. Until then, I was just a loiterer invading someone else's life.

The taxi pulled up to my apartment building and I leaned forward to give him some bills from my pocket. Not knowing or caring what I had just handed the man and climbed out. I stood in front of the building and stared up at the looming mountain as the car drove away. The rain was coming down harder now, and I just turned my face up to it. Trying to let it wash away all that had happened in the past couple of weeks, Susannah hadn't returned. It was ironic all the times I seethed with wishing I'd never tumbled into us. When now, standing before our own building, I wanted nothing more than to hear our heated words between breaking furniture. To see her eyes the next morning as we both silently apologized and pretended it'd never happened.

I want the life Susannah pulled me into, back.

Feeling the shiver run through me, I turned away from the rain and made my way up to the doors. Letting myself in as I walked over to the elevator. Jabbing the call button repeatedly until the doors opened and let me into its small caged box. I pressed our floor number and leaned back against the wall facing the doors. My head hitting the panelling with a dull thump as the elevator slowly took me up. The adrenaline was completely gone. Even my anger for my friends and their attitudes was gone by now. I just wanted to close the door, fall into bed and hope that when I woke in the morning, Susannah would be there beside me.

I slowly raised my head and opened my eyes when the doors opened at last. My feet dragged me out of the caged box and pulled me down the hall towards our door. My keys jangling as I pulled them from my pocket and tried to focus on the key-hole. Quietly, I swung open the door, rubbing the heels of my hands into my eyes to rid me of my aching, gritty tiredness. I stepped into the entrance hall, dropping my keys onto the side table and softly closed the door. When I turned back, I thought I picked up on the subtly hint and musk of Susannah's perfume clinging to the air.

Closing my eyes, I savoured the scent. The way I could slowly take it in as she glided past me in the morning on her way to work. The faint lingering hints of it still clinging to the skin of her neck in the evening. Where my mouth and lips would descend onto the sensitive skin there. Inhaling the subtle fragrance that screamed 'Woman'. The maturity of the heady musk made men's heads turn as she walked past. That made my senses twitch when she laughed lightly and let me take the last traces of the hue for myself.

A stake and a claim on Susannah she never backed down from.

I'd believed it was a testament to how tired I was, that I would pick up on something so small. But when I opened my eyes from my memory and longing and saw her black woollen coat draped over the back of our couch. Her bag settled on top of that and her shoes kicked off near-by, full alertness came slamming back into me abruptly. I listened out with careful acuteness as I slid my own jacket down my arms and settled it next to Susannah's on the back of the couch. I turned back to the scent that was getting stronger, the further I followed it. My steps reserved and frightened of what I might find.

I stopped before our bedroom door, partially open with a thin hue slanting across the floor, like a ray of light. Or hope. I softly pushed open the door and looked up at the slender back and figure of Susannah standing at our dresser. Her shoulders shaking, suppressing the crying and choked sobs I heard in the blistering quiet. Feeling my own heart breaking, the more I watched the vulnerable show before me. My eyes riveted to her back as a realization sucker punched me.

'We can't continue the way we are,'

Oh what are we doing, We are turning into dust, Playing house in the ruins of us, Running back through the fire, When there's nothing left to save, It's like chasing the very last train when it's too late...