Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight because she's super cool and I'm not.
Dialogue borrowed from New Moon; Found on pages 374-376
The story starts when Jacob and Bella are in front of her house, in her truck, after she drowns. Alice doesn't show up. Enjoy!
BPOV
Jacob twisted his head to look at me. His eyes were rimmed in red. "You don't look so good."
"I don't feel so good, either, I guess." Jacob stopped the truck in front of my dark house, cutting the engine so it was suddenly silent. Like so many other times, he seemed in tune with my thoughts now. He threw his arm around me, crushing me against his chest. Again, this felt nice. Not because I was still cold from my drowning experience that had been a mere hour ago and he gave me warmth--- that was a good reason, but not the only reason it felt nice. I liked being near Jacob like this. I just wasn't sure if I should like it as much as I did. If I was able to let myself be happy.
Wouldn't Edward, indifferent as he might be, want me to be as happy as was possible under the circumstances? Wouldn't enough friendly emotion linger for him to want that much for me? I thought he would. He wouldn't be-grudge me this: giving just a small bit of the love he didn't want to my friend Jacob. After all, it wasn't the same love at all.
Before Edward had left me, he had been my rock, my savior, my lover---the one that held me to the earth and though it may sound sappy, he was the one that made my life seem worth living. Before Edward, I had been content; thinking I had everything in life that a person would need to stay healthy and happy. After I met him, I questioned myself continually. How had I gone seventeen years without this being? Would I have known what it was like to be this happy with life if I hadn't have met him? The questions went on for an eternity.
When he'd left, my life had gone up in smoke; the fire that accompanied it killing off every feeling I had. No, that's putting it too lightly. The fire destroying my life would be too easy, less painful. The flames lingered, dulling occasionally in order to make me think that I wouldn't always feel like this, only to reappear at the worst possible time, flicking at the nowhere-near-healed wounds in my heart.
Over the weeks, Jacob has been the one to help hold me together. When the gaping hole that was engraved in the thing that I couldn't call a heart anymore would threaten to pull open further and my chest became too tight to let in air, Jacob would be there to make the pain go away--- or at least dull it enough for me not to die. I knew that Jacob loved me---too much, in fact. He loved me with much more depth then I could understand---or return. I remember wishing that Jacob Black was my brother. I realize now that all I really wanted was a claim on him.
Something to make sure that he would always be there to make sure I was okay. I didn't want him the same way I wanted Edward Cullen. But I didwant him, and even though I needed him in my life, my heart didn't ache for Jacob like it did for him. Not the same love at all…
I could try though. I could try and give Jacob the little bit of love I had left to offer. It wouldn't be much though, and I knew that Jacob deserved much more than what I could give. No one deserved to be loved with less than they gave, especially the beautiful creature before me. In all aspect of the word, Jacob was beautiful. He was caring and sweet, easy going, had good humor… he was my sun. He was also my protector.
I looked at him, sitting beside me in the drivers' seat of the dilapidated piece of metal that I called my car and I noticed that I had only mentioned his inner beauty. He was so very attractive. I loved the pretty color of his smooth copper skin...The chiseled tone of his body. You didn't have to guess that Jacob had muscles. It wasn't very hard to notice, and they were made known even more by the fact that he had taken to walking around half naked since he had become a werewolf. Or phased... something I had heard him say before.
I also loved the way his hair glinted when the sun hit it in just the right way. How his eyes lit up when he talked about something he loved and his smile... The all too familiar smile that belonged to my Jacob. The same Jacob that disappeared and reappeared at its own choosing--- another thing that had been changed by the fact that Jacob was now a supernatural being.
I stared up at my house and decided that I wasn't ready to leave Jacob's presence yet. I leaned deeper into his chest. I breathed in his scent: woodsy and musky--- it was homey. My breathing kicked up a notch. With me still under his arm, Jacob pressed his warm cheek against the top of my hair.
If I turned my face to one side--- if I pressed my lips against his bare shoulder… I knew without a doubt what would follow. It would be easy, effortless--- as my relationship with Jacob usually was. Could I do it though? I had to at least try. I needed to at least attempt.
Slowly, I turned my head so that my lips were centimeters away from his skin. I was nervous and couldn't breathe right through my nose, so I opted for breathing through my mouth. I knew he could feel my breath on his naked shoulder, but he didn't react. Maybe he thought I was just moving closer for warmth? Either way, I knew it was now or never.
I breathed in deeply and then moved to softly place my lips to his skin. I could immediately feel him tense as he gasped in shock. I knew this wasn't something he had been expecting. I let my lips linger for a second and then I inched away slowly to lay my head on his shoulder. It took about 30 seconds for Jacob's body to relax again and then I felt him shift slightly. He removed his arm from around me and I instantly missed his warmth.
"Bella?" he whispered, moving his hand under my chin to lift my gaze to his. I couldn't answer him. I was just waiting for him to react to what I had just done. "Bella," he said again. this time, I looked in his eyes when he spoke. They were questioning me. I could see the confusion and the slight relief… and hope? Not much hope though. I could tell he didn't want to let himself think this was really happening just to have me change my mind. I couldn't blame him though--- I was fickle.
He used the hand that held my chin to keep my face in place as he leaned towards me. He didn't lean in all the way though; midway, he had paused. I looked at him--- which was a little hard to do because our faces were extremely close--- and saw that his eyes were closed. His mouth was slightly parted and head tilted a bit. I realized that he didn't want to just assume that this is what I wanted. He was waiting for my confirmation.
I had to reassure him. I needed Jake to be happy. I tilted my head and moved in until my lips touched his. As soon as we had make contact, I felt his intake of air and then his lips began moving against mine. His lips were warm and soft, unlike anything I had ever felt. Instead of the lightheaded feeling I got from the perfectly smooth, ice cold marble lips I was used to, I felt a rush of adrenaline.
Edwards' kisses made my mind clear of all thought, but this kiss heightened my senses. I became more aware of Jacob than I had ever been before. With my hands on the nape of his neck, I could feel the start of the muscles that were on his back. He pulled me closer to him and I could feel the heat emitting from his skin.
The heat felt good. He kissed me slowly at first and when he seemed to realize I was kissing back, he picked up speed. It wasn't a full blown make-out session, but it was intense. Restraint and freedom all in one. The kiss had impact and while it held lust ---so much lust--- the kiss also held the emotion Jacob was trying to get through; love.
He moved his hands down to the small of my back, which I didn't mind--- as I said before, the heat felt good. But then, I felt one of his hands move down to the hem of my shirt and he slid his hand up a little. He began rubbing circles on my back as he kissed me and even though I enjoyed it, it was too much. I had tried and succeeded in getting my feelings across to Jacob, but I was pushing myself too far. This was more than I could handle.
I jerked away quickly, removing my hands from his neck and leaned up against the window, as far from him as the car would allow. I looked at him and his eyes were open and he was breathing heavily like I was. I couldn't help notice how bright his eyes were. They were wild with excitement and joy and I could see my Jacob; the carefree 16 year old that always made me smile.
"Bella, that was… wow. I cant believe you just did that." He moved his hand toward my face to stroke my cheek I was guessing, but I didn't want to be touched. I had to rein in my emotions and think for a minute.
Jake had always been able to calculate my moods so it was only natural that he would notice my discomfort now. "Bells, what wrong? If you think I'm mad or anything, you're so off. I knew you would come around, Bella. I mean, I know you were hung up on the leech but---"
"Jake, I cant," I whispered almost inaudibly. I don't know how he heard me, but he had and he was confused. "Cant what, Bella?" He reached towards my face again and I slapped it away.
"I--- I don't--- Jacob, I have to think." I watched his face fall a little. I knew he got what I was trying to put across, but he asked anyway. "You don't what? What are you saying, Bells?"
"Its too much. I just cant, okay?" I knew that I shouldn't, but I took a chance and glanced at him. There were no remnants left of the smile that had been on his face just a couple of seconds ago. His eyes held no happiness.
Only rejection and unwanted understanding. What happened next killed me the most though. His face became calm and blank. His eyes held no emotion; they were only plain black orbs. He had become Sam's Jacob again, and I hated myself for being the cause of it.
I couldn't take it anymore. I turned away from him at once and grasped the handle on the door, pushing it open as fast as I could. I mumbled a quick, "I'm sorry, Jacob" and ran up the drive to my front door. I fumbled with my key to get into the house as quick as I could.
I paused. What the hell was I doing? Just a couple of minutes ago, I had convinced myself that I would try. I tried, and I liked it, so why was I leaving? I had to fix it. Turn around Bella. Fix this…
I put my keys back in my pocket so that I could turn back and talk things out with Jake, but when I moved to face my truck, the cab was empty. The only thing that told that Jacob had even been in the car was the fact that the drivers side door was left open. Damn it, Bella.
With a resigned sigh, I opened the door and climbed the stairs to my bedroom. I was exhausted and what I needed right now was a shower. I removed my clothes a grabbed my robe and made my way to the bathroom. I stepped into the tub and turned the water as hot as it would go without scorching me and I just stood there, letting the water relax me as I thought about today's events.
I had spent about 45 minutes in the tub. When I left the bathroom in my old sweats and tattered white t-shirt, I noticed that the house was still as quiet as when I had come home. I went downstairs and saw that Charlie wasn't home yet. It made sense that he would still be at Sue's. they both needed each other's comfort and still had funeral plans to make.
I decided to call Jacob. Maybe I could explain to him that I hadn't meant to hurt him. I had been hoping that Jacob would pick up the phone, but my hopes were dashed when Billy answered.
"Hello?"
"Um, hey, Billy. Can I speak to Jake please?" I heard him mumble something in the back round and then he was back on the phone.
"Jake isn't here right now Bella. I'll tell him you called though. Bye now."
He hung up on me… I knew he had been covering for Jacob, but I didn't even care. I knew he wouldn't want to talk to me. Why would he though? I had led him on, only to turn him down---again.
I don't regret kissing Jacob tonight, but I couldn't bring myself to let go fully with him. I knew Jacob wasn't Edward--- nothing close to him--- and that he wouldn't leave, but I still couldn't bring myself to trust him. Sure, I could trust him with my life---trust him to keep me safe from Victoria--- but I couldn't seem to trust him with my heart. I needed to though.
I wanted to love Jacob, but I couldn't do that until I let myself. Tomorrow, I would go to La Push and I would insist that Jacob talked to me. I would tell him that I wanted to be with him and I just needed him to let me go at my own pace. I'd show him that I would try and be what he deserved. I just hope I got it right this time…
Hey there. Thought I'd try my hand at a New moon based B/J fic. You know... being team Jake and all that. Hope the 1st chap was enjoyable. I dont really have a set updating schedule, but I'll update as I write. Leave reviews. They make me smile!
Thanks,
Twi-Freak201