All belongs to Josh freaking Schwartz.
Disclaimer: Includes S/S storyline spoilers and is based on the "almost kiss" preview, so if you're not spoiled don't read
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"Cut it out Cohen!"
"What?!"
"You're ruining my character!"
"How do you even know Little Diva is you anyway?" asked Seth, who was trying to hide his amusement as he filled in some coloring on Little Diva's skirt.
"Duh Cohen. She's hot and she has credit cards as her weapon. She's like, so me, and orange is so not my color. Change it." she said rolling her eyes at him as she flopped chest down onto her bed next to Seth who was currently in the same position.
"Good observation Summer," he said laughing at her.
They were both laying on Summer's bed, working on the comic that they had started with Zach. He had run home for "a second" to pick up some stuff he had forgotten for the comic, leaving Seth and Summer together. Alone. And on her bed for the first time in what seemed like forever to Seth. They had a pitch to give to some big time comic book company in a few weeks and it was crunch time in getting everything together. Seth and Zach had come up with the idea, well mainly Seth. Summer had somehow worked her way into the team. Actually she demanded that she be involved, which confused the hell out of Seth. But who was he to argue? This made for a lot of Seth, Summer, and Zach time, which was well, weird. And awkward.
"Well I have to say you're pretty good at this drawing thing Cohen," Summer said looking over Seth's shoulder as drew.
"Thanks."
"You really made me look hot, I have to say," she said laughing and nudging him in the shoulder.
"That's not really hard Summer," he said smiling at her playfully.
She ignored that last comment, not really sure how to respond without sounding like a complete flirt. Which was exactly what she was doing, flirting with him. She couldn't help it. They were past the hating each other stage, and were now at this place where they were friends. Who flirted and fought like they wanted to jump each other.
"So I think the Little Diva should totally kick the Ironists ass," she said nodding at him, grinning.
"What? No way. The Ironist and Little Diva do not fight. They are a team," he said gesturing to her, "plus we cannot have the Ironist's boyish good looks ruined by the wrath of Little Diva's Amex," he said nudging her back.
"Point taken. Even though I don't think the Ironist's 'boyish good looks' would be ruined because clearly he doesn't have any," Summer said giggling slightly at her attempt to make fun of Seth.
"Gee Summer you're just so funny," he said leaning closer to her and laughing in her face.
"You love it," she said back to him, her eyes looking up to meet his.
They both sat there looking at each other, smiling for awhile, but instead of turning away, he held her gaze and the world slowed down and everything stopped being funny. Suddenly their lips were way to close to each others for anything to be remotely funny. Summer could feel herself shaking, nervous under his intense stare. She couldn't pull away from it. And he couldn't pull away from hers. He could feel her breath on his lips, that's how close they were. And he wanted nothing more in the world than to kiss her right then and there. Except he couldn't. He knew he had to pull away, or else he could possibly ruin what he was trying to build on. He didn't want to destroy anything with her again. And that's why he slowly and painfully turned away.
She couldn't believe he'd just backed away from a kiss. A kiss that she wanted…that they both wanted. She knew it would have been the wrong thing to do, but at that moment, it felt so right. Zach wasn't even a thought. It was only Seth. And every part of her wanted him, which was something she did not in anyway understand. She turned her head away from him, and looked at what she had been working on and tried not to act hurt. It's not like she could act that way. God this was so complicated.
They both quietly went back to what they had been doing, talking every once in a while about the comic, but ignoring the almost kiss.
"Cohen?" she asked quietly coming out of the awkward silence.
"Yes Summer?"
"I have a question for you."
"And what question would that be?"
She hesitated for a second. "I know you left because of Ryan, but…wh-why wasn't I…enough to make you stay?" she asked in the most sincere way, her voice low and cracking a little as she tried to get the words out. She looked up at him with her big brown eyes glazed over, as serious as could be. And it scared the shit out of him. He had not been expecting THAT question. Maybe a question about changing Little Diva's weapon to Minolo's instead of Amex's, but not that.
"I-" he stopped. And suddenly any words or excuses that he could think of vanished. All he felt was…..sorry. Everything that had happened in his relationship with Summer came flooding back to him, and the realization of just what he had done to her, this girl that he knew he loved, hit him like a ton of bricks. The conversation with Anna and her telling him that Summer was scared he'd leave her, the reason he'd gone up on that coffee cart- all of it was so he could tell her he wasn't going anywhere and that he'd be there for her. And what had he done? Just that. He left her. Exactly what he said he wouldn't do. He remembered her sitting up on the hill at the wedding and her telling him that he had her. He HAD her. And he let her go. He left her a note and left, just like that. He couldn't even imagine what it had been like for her to go to his house and find that note. Thinking about it all made him sick.
In Portland he was too consumed with the Ryan ordeal, and HIMSELF, to even process what she had been thinking. He kept hearing her words over the phone, but it all didn't make sense to him until this moment, with her looking up at him with her eyes so wide and sad. He knew she thought he had left her, but he'd left for the same reason she had been scared of in the beginning of the relationship. Loosing her.
"Summer I," he stared again, "I know this may sound lame and contrived and it's way too late, but I-I'm so sorry," his voice cracked as he said the words and looked her directly in the eyes.
"I know I told you I wouldn't leave you and that I wasn't going anywhere and then I did. I know what I did and I can't even begin to imagine what that must have felt like for you…finding the letter, me gone, it like makes me sick to know how you must have felt to see that. I-I wish I could take back making you go through that, so much. But I was so scared when Ryan left, so scared that the life I had, including you, was going to fall apart. And I know you said I'd have you, but Summer, I was so scared, so scared, I wouldn't. By the time I actually left, it was too late. I was already gone and I knew I'd destroyed any possibility of fixing what we had. That didn't mean I didn't think of you everyday, I mean that's where all this came from," he said gesturing to the drawing of Little Diva, Summer's wide eyes following his hand, "It was all me Summer, all me, and I was selfish and probably still am a little bit," he said chuckling a little, "but you. Don't EVER think that you weren't enough," he face now determined, "Because, god Summer, you're always enough, you're always what I need, you're always there, in the back of my mind, on my mind, and everything that I do, you're always there. So don't ever think you're not enough for me. You were and still are. I'm the one…that's not enough," he struggled with the words, "for you…"
Summer sat there staring at him, frozen, unsure of how to react. She felt like she wanted to cry, but she wouldn't. She couldn't. Not in front of Cohen. Not now. It would let him know that he got to her with that damn speech of his. Unfortunately her eyes weren't cooperating with her brain, and tears began to prick the edges of them. She turned away quickly, making sure not to let him see.
"Summer. I…don't. Please," he said, his hand touching her shoulder.
"No Cohen. It's okay. I'm fine," she said turning to face him, struggling to make a smile.
"I'm sorry…did I do, did I say something wrong?" he said sitting up, concern covering his face.
"No Cohen. Really I'm okay. I shouldn't have even brought it up," she said sitting up.
"I'm so sorry Summer. So sorry. God I hope you haven't been thinking that this whole time," he said, his arms going around his knees and facing her.
She looked up at him, not saying a word.
"I'm sor-"
"Seth. No. Stop saying it. It's okay."
"You know you were right."
"Huh? About what?"
"Everything that you said, how I had you all these times, with the Wonderwoman costume and last year, and I-I was such an idiot, such an idiot."
"Yeah. I know…You were."
"You were wrong about one thing though. I don't like the chase. I hate it. All of it. Because it's not being with you. It sucks, the chase sucks."
"Seth I-"
"Don't. I know what you're going to say. I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry and that you, you're like, I mean I really care about you and I won't chase after you or bother you, I just...I care a lot about you and I know your like with Zach and it's serious, like really serious. God, I don't even want to think about it," he said, almost to himself.
"We haven't."
"Huh?"
"Me and Zach. I-I just can't…You know?" she said, quietly to him, as if she didn't want to let the information known.
"Oh. Oh wow."
"Go ahead. You can smile. I know you want to," she said waving her hand at him to.
A large lopsided grin appeared on his face, "Sorry…I couldn't help it," he said, he face then turning serious again, "Summer, I'm not trying to mess anything up…I just wanted you to know that I really do care about you, and I-I"
"Hey guys," Zach said coming into Summer's room but stopping short when he saw the scene playing out on the bed in front of him. Seth and Summer were both facing each other, hugging their knees, which were practically touching, with serious looks on their faces. Summer looked like she could have been crying and Seth looked like he might. They immediately backed away from one another, and shifted their gazes to other places around the room.
"Sorry, did I, uh, interrupt something," Zach said, starting to back out of the room, and suddenly feeling like he was the third wheel.
"Hey Zach, uh no, we were just talking about my-I mean Little Diva's weapon of choice," Summer said turning and smiling brightly to him, as best as she could.
"Oh. Okay. Well I brought these sketches back from my house…" Zach said, handing them to Seth and Summer, as he sat on the bed next to her, somewhat unsure of himself.
"Thanks man," Seth said, glancing over the paper. His mind was not on the comic though. And neither was Summer's.
Zach went off on a spiel about how he thought one of the scenes wasn't working out too well, but Summer was paying no attention. Her gaze went from Seth to Zach, then back to Seth. It always went back to Cohen.
It was enough now. This charade was enough. Everything that had been going on for the past 7 months was enough. And even though things were still complicated and there was still so much left to say between them, she knew that things were going to change. They had to. She couldn't do it much longer, lie to herself, lie to Seth, and even lie to Zach. She knew they all knew and that all of this was a lie. The only problem was, she was in so deep now that she didn't know how to get out. She had to. For everyone around her, and well mainly, herself. She wasn't sure where things were going to go from here, but deep down inside her, she knew they'd be okay.
Seth watched her, a smile forming on his lips. He knew the wheels inside her head were turning, and that she was processing everything. He hadn't meant for that to come out, but it needed to come out. They had never actually talked about it, and there was still so much to say, but it was enough…for now. He only hoped it was enough for her. And as her eyes came back to his, they both stopped and just looked at each other…and smiled.
Back to me
I know that it comes
Back to me
Doesn't it scare you
Your will is not as strong
As it used to be