I always said Dean Winchester was the best night of my life and okay, maybe I did play him up a little for the benefit of the lonely ladies club…but then he came back.
Nine years had gone by and he was even more handsome, if that's possible, and still as charming as ever. But nine years is a long time. I'd moved on, found a career that suited me, was raising a smart energetic son but Dean, he hadn't changed…not really. Still chasing things I'm not sure I totally believed in even after the changeling. He was so full of secrets…and then he was gone.
A year ago he came back; first to let me know that Ben and I would be safe and then again a couple of weeks later to stay. The horrendous things that had been happening all over the world seemed to die down shortly after that and Dean never seemed surprised. It was like he knew that there would be a kind of peace on earth although that peace continues to elude him.
Still a charmer and a fantastic lover who not only cares about his own pleasure but one who takes me to the Promised Land so many times in a night that I think I've died and gone to heaven. But nevertheless Dean Winchester is a changed man.
I can see the changes when he sleeps, if you can call two hours here or an hour there sleeping. His dreams and nightmares both awaken him in the night and in broad daylight. I can see it in his eyes when he dares to look straight into mine and not into the bottom of his ever-present glass of whiskey.
More often than not his gaze and his thoughts shift from me to a safer subject...Ben. I told Dean from the get go that he isn't Ben's father and I didn't lie to him. I would never lie to him even to save him the pain of the truth. I think he accepts the fact and loves Ben anyway but there's always worry in his eyes when he looks at my son. It's as if he fears something awful may come Ben's way and I'm not sure it won't…even if just from the alcohol Dean drinks to keep himself anesthetized.
Dean's told me a lot in the cumulative and relative short time we've been together. He told me about his mother's death, his father's, some of the horrible things he's seen and done but I think there's a lot more to the story, both ancient history and recently written, than he's willing to share...even with me. Sometimes when he wakes in the night his eyes tell the proverbial tale of someone who's been to hell and back and when he thinks I'm not looking, he has a million mile stare not just a run of the mill thousand mile one.
He's talked sparingly about his brother and becomes cold and distant when I ask about him. He says Sam's in a better place...period. A better place for whom? For the world maybe but for Sam? For Dean? I think Sam's in a different place at best and a horrendous place at worst but it's a subject he's not willing to discuss beyond the "better place" lie.
I know he doesn't mean to lie to me but it's a hard habit to break and one he's loath to if it means sparing me or perhaps himself the pain of a truth that can neither be changed nor totally ignored. He's also living a lie.
His job as a mechanic puts food on the table but doesn't feed his soul. Sure, he might save someone from breaking down on the interstate but that's pretty far from saving someone from a phantom hitchhiker bent on killing the unsuspecting Good Samaritan on that same stretch of highway.
Dean's been a soldier all of his life and mustering out and coming home to the world has been hard on him. He laughs and makes believe that everything is all right but just like Sergeant First Class William James someday he will be overwhelmed in the cereal aisle of the supermarket and realize that the only thing he loves is hunting. Not me...not Ben...but hunting.
Unlike most women who find the "man of their dreams" I never wanted to change Dean Winchester. He has all the traits of a true hero. I love his courage and his loyalty, his selfless devotion to those he loves, his determination and conviction and his sacrifice. But all of the things that I love about this man are the things that are taking him farther and farther away from me each day.
I watch as Dean runs his hand lovingly over the roof of the Impala before he takes his rightful place in the driver's seat. There are unexplainable deaths in North Carolina and possible werewolf sightings in Montana and even some unsubstantiated Sam Winchester sightings and he can no longer ignore them.
I never wanted to change him...destiny has taken care of that. I only wanted to love him. But even with all of my love and support, I don't think I can save him...and I know I can't stop him.