Disclaimer: I do not own the X-Men or Friends. None of these characters belong to me, nor do the situations.
Author's Note': Thank you for reading. Keep in mind however, that many of these characters will be out of character to varying degrees, so if you don't like that, then don't read this. Take heed! Please review and tell me what you like and what you think should be changed (if anything). Thank you!!
The One Where Kitty Gets A New Roommate
INT. Duncan's Coffee
Duncan's Coffee is a small, cosy establishment run by ex-Bayside High football player Duncan Matthews. Tables line the walls, there is a bar opposite the door and there is a sofa and two chairs by the left wall. Two people sit on the sofa, and another two in the chairs. KITTY SUMMERS is quite tall, with dark hair. She is attractive, but 'high maintenance' as her friends put it. ROGUE has short brown hair, with a white streak down at the front, and she has a very strange perspective on life. KURT WAGNER is the tallest, with blue hair and is very sarcastic. He has his image inducer on his wrist, which allows him to maintain a human image. EVAN DANIELS has black skin and shoulder length blonde hair, which is tied back in a ponytail. He is often stupid, but his heart is in the right place. They are currently interrogating KITTY about someone she is going out with.
KITTY: There's like, nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work with!
EVAN: C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's gotta be something wrong with him!
KURT: So does he have a hump? A hump und a hairpiece?
ROGUE: Wait, does he eat chalk?
The others stare at her, bemused.
ROGUE: Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh!
KITTY: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just like, two people going out to dinner and- not having sex.
KURT: Sounds like a date to me.
INT. DUNCAN'S COFFEE
Later on, KURT is regaling them with a dream he had.
KURT: Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in ze middle of the cafeteria, und I realise I am totally naked.
ALL: Oh, yeah. Had that dream.
KURT: Zen I look down, and I realise zere's a phone... zere.
EVAN: Instead of...?
KURT: Zat's right.
EVAN: Never had that dream.
ROGUE: No.
KURT: All of a sudden, ze phone starts to ring. And it turns out it's my mother, vich is very veird, because- she never calls me!
The door opens and SCOTT SUMMERS walks in. SCOTT is KITTY'S brother, tall with short brown hair and ruby quartz glasses, which he constantly wears. He works at a museum and has just split up with his wife.
SCOTT: (Depressed) Hi.
EVAN: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.
KITTY: Are you like, okay, sweetie?
SCOTT: I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck...
KURT: Cookie?
KITTY: (Explaining to the others) Amara moved her stuff out today. (To Scott) Like, let me get you some coffee.
ROGUE: Ooh! Oh!
ROGUE starts to pluck at the air in front of SCOTT.
SCOTT: No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay? I'll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy.
KITTY: No you don't.
SCOTT: No I don't, to hell with her, she left me!
EVAN: And you never knew she was a lesbian...
SCOTT: No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I know?
KURT: Sometimes I vish I vas a lesbian...
The others turn and stare at him.
KURT: (Cont'd) Did I say zat out loud?
EVAN: Alright Scott, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?
SCOTT gestures his consent.
EVAN: Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some hormones!
SCOTT: I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I just- I just wanna be married again!
JEAN GREY enters. She has long red hair, and is wearing a wet wedding dress.
KURT: And I just want a million dollars!
KURT extends his hand hopefully.
KITTY notices JEAN.
KITTY: Jean?!
JEAN: Oh God hi guys! Kitty, I am so glad to see you, I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!
A WAITRESS comes up to them.
WAITRESS: Can I get you some coffee?
KITTY: (Pointing at JEAN) De-caff. (To the gang) Okay, everybody, you like, remember Jean, right? (To JEAN) You remember everyone, right? Evan, Kurt, Rogue and Scott
JEAN: Hi, sure!
EVERYONE: Hi.
There's a moment of silence as Jean sits, the others look at her expecting her to explain.
KITTY: So you wanna tell us now, or are we like, waiting for four wet bridesmaids?
JEAN: Oh God... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden-
The WAITRESS hands her a coffee.
JEAN: (To WAITRESS) Sweet 'n' Lo? (To the others)- I realised that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Bobby! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me: how much Bobby looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, he always looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. (To KITTY) So anyway, I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only guys I know who live here in the city.
KITTY: Who weren't like, invited to the wedding.
JEAN: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue...
INT. KITTY'S APARTMENT.
KITTY'S apartment is large and comfortable. There is a main area, half of which is a kitchen and half a lounge. Two doors lead off from this room into bedrooms. Everyone, except JEAN, is watching a Spanish soap opera. EVAN, KITTY and ROGUE are on the sofa, whilst KURT is hanging from the ceiling by his tail, his image inducer currently off. JEAN is talking on the phone to her dad.
KITTY: Now I'm guessing that he like, bought her the big pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it.
JEAN: (On phone) Daddy, I just... I can't marry him! I'm sorry. I just don't love him. Well, it matters to me!
KURT: (Re TV) Ooh, she should not be vearing zose pants.
EVAN: I say push her down the stairs.
ROGUE, SCOTT, KURT and EVAN: Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! (She is pushed down the stairs. They cheer.)
JEAN: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! All of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I'm not saying I want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy!
SCOTT: You can see where he'd have trouble.
JEAN: Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll just stay here with Kitty.
KITTY: Well, I guess we've like, established who's staying here with Kitty...
JEAN: Well, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!!
A few minutes later Jean is breathing into a brown paper bag at the table, whilst the others comfort her.
KITTY: Just breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try to think of like, nice calm things...
ROGUE: (Sings) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens...
JEAN and KITTY turn to look at her
ROGUE: (Cont'd)..bluebells and sleighbells and- something with mittens... La la la la...
JEAN: I'm all better now.
ROGUE grins and walks over to KURT and EVAN.
ROGUE: I helped!
KITTY: Okay, look, this is probably for the best, y'know? Independence. Taking control of your life.
EVAN comes and sits beside her.
EVAN: And hey, you need anything, you can always come to Evan. Me and elf-boy live across the hall. And he's away a lot.
KITTY: Evan, stop like, hitting on her! It's her wedding day!
EVAN: What, like there's a rule or something?
The door buzzer sounds and Kurt gets it.
KURT: Please don't do that again, it's a horrible sound.
JEAN-PAUL: (Over intercom) It's, uh, it's Jean-Paul.
KITTY: Buzz him in!
EVAN: Who's Jean-Paul?
SCOTT: Jean-Paul Beaubier1? The Wine Guy, Jean-Paul?
KITTY: Maybe.
EVAN: Wait. Your 'not a real date' tonight is with Jean-Paul the Wine Guy?
SCOTT: He finally asked you out?
KITTY: Yes!
KURT: Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment.
KITTY: Jean, wait, I can like, cancel...
JEAN: Please, no, go, that'd be fine!
KITTY: (To SCOTT) Are, are you okay? I mean, do you want me to stay?
SCOTT: (Choked voice) That'd be good...
KITTY: (Horrified) Really?
SCOTT: (Normal voice) No, go on! It's Jean-Paul the Wine Guy!
There's a knock at the door. KITTY gets it. It's JEAN-PAUL the Wine Guy. JEAN-PAUL is tall with brown hair, pointed ears and upswept eyebrows.
KITTY: Hi, come in! Jean-Paul, this is..
KITTY turns to find them all lined up next to the door.
KITTY: (Cont'd) ... everybody, everybody, this like, is Jean-Paul.
ALL: Hey! Jean-Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey!
KURT: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Jean-Paul, was it?
KITTY shows JEAN-PAUL in.
KITTY: Two seconds.
ROGUE: Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good.
SCOTT: So Jean, what're you, uh... what're you up to tonight?
JEAN: Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing!
SCOTT: Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon, God.. No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year... talk about your-
SCOTT thinks.
SCOTT: (Cont'd) -big lizards... Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, Evan and Kurt are coming over to help me put together my new furniture.
KURT: (Deadpan) Ja, and ve're very excited about it.
JEAN: Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight..
SCOTT: Okay, sure.
EVAN: Hey Rogue, you wanna help?
ROGUE: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.
INT. SCOTT'S apartment.
SCOTT, EVAN and KURT are assembling furniture. KURT and EVAN are making a bookcase, KURT using his tail to help him, whilst SCOTT is squatting and puzzling over some instructions.
SCOTT: I'm supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things, using a bunch of these little worm guys. I have no brackety thing, I see no worm guys whatsoever and- I cannot feel my legs.
KURT and EVAN have just finished the bookcase. However, they have a piece left over.
EVAN: What's this?
KURT: I have no idea.
EVAN checks SCOTT is not looking and dumps it in a plant pot.
EVAN: Done with the bookcase!
KURT: All finished!
SCOTT is clutching a beer can and sniffling.
SCOTT: This was Amara's favourite beer. She always drank it out of the can, I should have known.
EVAN: Scott, let me ask you a question. She got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did you get?
SCOTT: You guys.
KURT: Oh, man.
EVAN: You got screwed.
INT. RESTAURANT.
KITTY and JEAN-PAUL are eating dinner.
KITTY: Oh my God!
JEAN-PAUL: I know, I know, I'm such an idiot. I guess I should have caught on when she started going to the dentist four and five times a week. I mean, how clean can teeth get?
KITTY: My brother's like, going through that right now, he's such a mess. How did you get through it?
JEAN-PAUL: Well, you might try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers, say her-
KITTY: -leg?
JEAN-PAUL: (Laughing) That's one way! Me, I- I went for the watch.
KITTY: You like, actually broke her watch?
INT. KITTY'S APPARTMENT.
JEAN is pacing around and talking on the phone.
JEAN: Bobby, I'm sorry... I am so sorry... I know you probably think that this is all about what I said the other day about you making love with your socks on, but it isn't... it isn't, it's about me, and I ju-
She stops talking and dials a number on the phone.
JEAN: Hi, machine cut me off again... anyway...
INT. SCOTT'S APPARTMENT
SCOTT: You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, y'know? I mean what if you get one woman- and that's it? Unfortunately in my case, there was only one woman- for her...
EVAN: What are you talking about? 'One woman'? That's like saying there's only one flavour of ice cream for you. Lemme tell you something, Scott. There's lots of flavours out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get 'em with Jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, like, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon!
SCOTT: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.
KURT: Stay avay from my freezer!
INT. RESTAURANT
JEAN-PAUL: Ever since she walked out on me, I, uh...
KITTY: What?..... What, you wanna like, spell it out with noodles?
JEAN-PAUL: No, it's, it's more of a fifth date kinda revelation.
KITTY: Oh, so there is gonna be a fifth date?
JEAN-PAUL: Isn't there?
KITTY: Yeah... yeah, I think there is. -So what were you gonna say?
JEAN-PAUL: Well, ever-ev-... ever since she left me, um, I haven't been able to, uh, perform.
KITTY takes a sip of her drink.
JEAN-PAUL: (Cont'd)...Sexually.
KITTY spits out her drink in shock.
KITTY: Oh God, oh God, I am like, so sorry... I am so sorry...
JEAN-PAUL: It's okay...
KITTY: Being spit on is like, probably not what you need right now. Um... how long?
JEAN-PAUL: Two years.
KITTY: Wow! I'm glad you smashed her watch!
JEAN-PAUL: So you still think you, um... might want that fifth date?
KITTY: (Pause)...Yeah. Yeah, I do.
INT. KITTY'S APARTMENT
JEAN is watching 'Joanie loves Chachi'.
TV: 'I, Joanie, take you, Charles, to be my lawful husband.' 'Do you take...'
JEAN: Oh...see... but Joanie loved Chachi! That's the difference!
INT. SCOTT'S APARTMENT
SCOTT: (Scornful) Grab a spoon. Do you know how long it's been since I've grabbed a spoon? Do the words 'Billy, don't be a hero' mean anything to you? Y'know, here's the thing. Even if I could get it together enough to- to ask a woman out,... who am I gonna ask?
He gazes out of the window.
INT. KITTY'S APPARTMENT
JEAN is staring out of the window.
INT. JEAN and KITTY'S APPARTMENT
JEAN is making coffee for EVAN and KURT, who hasn't got his image inducer on currently.
JEAN: Isn't this amazing? I mean, I have never made coffee before in my entire life.
KURT: Zat is amazing.
EVAN: Congratulations. And while you're on a roll, if you feel like you gotta make like a Western omelette or something...
EVAN and KURT taste the coffee, grimace, and pour it into a plant pot.
EVAN: (Cont'd) Although actually I'm really not that hungry...
KITTY enters from her room.
ALL: Morning. Good morning.
JEAN-PAUL enters from KITTY'S room. KURT hurridley switches his image inducer on, but luckily JEAN-PAUL is too busy looking at KITTY to notice him.
JEAN-PAUL: Morning.
EVAN: Morning, Jean-Paul.
JEAN: Hello, Jean-Paul.
KURT: Hi, Jean-Paul, is it?
KITTY and JEAN-PAUL walk to the door and talk in a low voice so the others can't hear. The others shunt KITTY'S table closer to the door so they can hear.
KITTY: I like, had a really great time last night.
JEAN-PAUL: Thank you. Thank you so much.
KITTY: We'll like, talk later.
JEAN-PAUL: Yeah. (They kiss) Thank you.
JEAN-PAUL leaves.
EVAN: That wasn't a real date?! What the hell do you do on a real date?
KITTY: Shut up, and put my table back.
ALL: Okayyy!
THEY DO.
KURT: All right, kids, I gotta get to vork. If I don't input zose numbers,... it doesn't make much of a difference...
JEAN: So, like, you guys all have jobs?
KITTY: Yeah, we all like, have jobs. See, that's how we buy stuff.
EVAN: Yeah, I'm an actor.
JEAN: Wow! Would I have seen you in anything?
EVAN: I doubt it. Mostly regional work.
KITTY: Oh wait, wait, unless you like, happened to catch the Reruns' production of Pinocchio.
KURT: 'Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.'
EVAN: I will not take this abuse.
EVAN walks to the door and opens it to leave.
KURT: You're right, I'm sorry.
KURT bursts into song and dances out of the door
KURT: (Cont'd) 'Once I vas a vooden boy, a little vooden boy..'
EVAN follows him out and closes the door behind him.
KITTY: So like, how are you doing today? Did you sleep okay? Talk to Bobby? I can't stop smiling.
JEAN: I can see that. You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth.
KITTY: I know, he's just so, so... Do you like, remember you and Duncan?
JEAN: Oh, yeah.
KITTY: Well, it's like that. With feelings.
JEAN: Oh wow. Are you in trouble.
KITTY: Okay. Okay. I am just like, going to get up, go to work and not think about him all day. Or else I'm just gonna get up and go to work.
JEAN: Oh, look, wish me luck!
KITTY: What for?
JEAN: I'm gonna go get one of those job things.
KITTY leaves.
INT. IRIDIUM
The Iridium is a restaurant where KITTY works as a chef. She is cutting some vegetables on her own, when the door opens and one of her colleagues, Yuriko2 enters.
YURIKO: Hey, Kitty!
KITTY: Hey, welcome back! Like, how was Florida?
YURIKO: You had sex, didn't you?
KITTY: How do you do that?
YURIKO: So? Who?
KITTY: You like, know Jean-Paul?
YURIKO: Jean-Paul the Wine Guy? Oh yeah, I know Jean-Paul.
KITTY: You like, mean you know Jean-Paul like I know Jean-Paul?
YURIKO: Are you kidding? I take credit for Jean-Paul. Y'know before me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years.
INT. DUNCAN'S COFFEE
Everyone is there, except for JEAN.
EVAN: (Perched on the arm of the sofa) Of course it was a line!
KITTY: Why?! Why? Why, why would anybody do something like that?
SCOTT: I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than 'to get you into bed'.
KITTY: Is it me? Have I got like, some sort of beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?
ROGUE: All right, c'mere, gimme your feet.
ROGUE massages them.
KITTY: I just thought he was like, nice, y'know?
EVAN: (Bursts out laughing) I can't believe you didn't know it was a line!
KITTY pushes him off the sofa arm. JEAN enters with shopping.
JEAN: Guess what?
SCOTT: You got a job?
JEAN: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed out of twelve interviews today.
KURT: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat.
JEAN: You would be too if you found John and David boots on sale, fifty percent off!
KURT: Oh, how vell you know me...
JEAN: They're my new 'I don't need a job, I don't need my parents, I've got great boots' boots!
KITTY: How'd you like, pay for them?
JEAN: Uh, credit card.
KITTY: And who like, pays for that?
JEAN: Um... my... father.
INT. KITTY AND JEAN'S APPARTMENT
Everyone is sitting around the table. On the table are JEAN'S credit cards and a pair of scissors.
KITTY: C'mon, you can't like, live off your parents your whole life.
JEAN: I know that. That's why I was getting married.
ROGUE: Give her a break, it's hard being on your own for the first time.
JEAN: Thank you.
ROGUE: You're welcome. I remember when I first came to this city. I was fourteen. My mom had just killed herself and my step-dad was back in prison, and I got here, and I didn't know anybody. And I ended up living with this albino guy who was, like, cleaning windows outside port authority, and then he killed himself, and then I found aromatherapy. So believe me, I know exactly how you feel.
There's a pause.
SCOTT: The word you're looking for is 'Anyway'...
KITTY: You ready?
JEAN: I don't think so.
SCOTT: C'mon, cut. Cut, cut, cut,...
ALL: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut...
JEAN cuts them all up and everybody cheers.
KITTY: Welcome to the real world! It sucks. You're gonna love it!
INT. KITTY AND JEAN'S APPARTMENT
It's night now and KITTY, JEAN and SCOTT have just finished watching a film.
KITTY: Well, that's like, it.
JEAN: (To SCOTT) You gonna crash on the couch?
SCOTT: No. No, I gotta go home sometime.
KITTY: You gonna be okay?
SCOTT: Yeah.
JEAN: Hey Kitty, look what I just found on the floor.
JEAN holds up a watch and KITTY smiles.
JEAN: What?
KITTY: That's Jean-Paul's watch. You just put it back where you found it. Oh boy. Alright. Goodnight, everybody.
She stomps on Jean-Paul's watch and goes to her room.
SCOTT: Mmm.
Both SCOTT and JEAN reach for the last cookie.
SCOTT: (Cont'd) Oh, no-
JEAN: Sorry-
SCOTT: No no no, go-
JEAN: No, you have it, really, I don't want it-
SCOTT: Split it?
JEAN: Okay.
SCOTT: Okay.
They split it.
SCOTT: (Cont'd) You know you probably didn't know this, but back at the Institute, I had a, um, major crush on you.
JEAN: I knew.
SCOTT: You did! Oh.... I always figured you just thought I was Kitty's geeky older brother.
JEAN: I did.
SCOTT: Oh. Listen, do you think- and try not to let my intense vulnerability become any kind of a factor here- but do you think it would be okay if I asked you out? Sometime? Maybe?
JEAN: Yeah, maybe...
SCOTT: Okay... okay, maybe I will...
JEAN: Goodnight.
SCOTT: Goodnight.
JEAN gets up and goes into her bedroom. SCOTT looks happy as he leaves, and as he's about to go KITTY emerges in a dressing gown.
KITTY: See ya.... Waitwait, what's like, with you?
SCOTT: I just grabbed a spoon.
SCOTT leaves.
INT. DUNCAN'S COFFEE
JEAN is working as a waitress, whilst everyone else is sitting on the sofa and chairs.
EVAN: I can't believe what I'm hearing here.
ROGUE: (Sings) I can't believe what I'm hearing here...
KITTY: What? I-I said you had like, a-
ROGUE: (Sings) What I said...
KITTY: (To ROGUE) Would you stop?
ROGUE: Oh, was I doing it again?
JEAN walks up with a pot of coffee.
JEAN: Would anybody like more coffee?
KURT: Did you make it, or are you just serving it?
JEAN: I'm just serving it.
ALL: Yeah. Yeah, I'll have a cup of coffee.
KURT: Kids, new dream... I'm in Las Vegas. I'm Liza Minelli-
CAST
Scott Summers.................................Kirby Morrow
Jean Grey.................................Venus Terzo
Evan Daniels.................................Neil Denis
Rogue/Waitress.................................Meghan Black
Kurt Wagner.................................Brad Swaile
Kitty Pryde.................................Maggie Blue O'Harra
Yuriko.................................Janyse Jaud
Jean-Paul Beaubier.................................Vincent Gale
What will happen to our intrepid band of friends next episode. Here's a quick preview.
KITTY: What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is like, as important as any part of it.
AMARA: I'm pregnant.
SCOTT: Pregnant?!
JEAN: I mean, didn't you think you were just gonna meet someone, fall in love- and that'd be it?
SCOTT gazes at her
JEAN: (Cont'd) ..Scott?
SCOTT: Yes, yes!
BOBBY: I went with Rahne.
JEAN: Rahne?! My maid of honour, Rahne?!
All this and much more in the next episode of X Friends!
1 - Jean-Paul Beaubier is an X-Man known as Northstar who can move at incredible speeds and fly.
2 - Yuriko is Lady Deathstrike's real name. Lady Deathstrike possesses bionic limbs and senses, telescoping arms, and lethal claws, among other enhancements.
Author's Note': Thank you for reading. Keep in mind however, that many of these characters will be out of character to varying degrees, so if you don't like that, then don't read this. Take heed! Please review and tell me what you like and what you think should be changed (if anything). Thank you!!
INT. Duncan's Coffee
Duncan's Coffee is a small, cosy establishment run by ex-Bayside High football player Duncan Matthews. Tables line the walls, there is a bar opposite the door and there is a sofa and two chairs by the left wall. Two people sit on the sofa, and another two in the chairs. KITTY SUMMERS is quite tall, with dark hair. She is attractive, but 'high maintenance' as her friends put it. ROGUE has short brown hair, with a white streak down at the front, and she has a very strange perspective on life. KURT WAGNER is the tallest, with blue hair and is very sarcastic. He has his image inducer on his wrist, which allows him to maintain a human image. EVAN DANIELS has black skin and shoulder length blonde hair, which is tied back in a ponytail. He is often stupid, but his heart is in the right place. They are currently interrogating KITTY about someone she is going out with.
KITTY: There's like, nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work with!
EVAN: C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's gotta be something wrong with him!
KURT: So does he have a hump? A hump und a hairpiece?
ROGUE: Wait, does he eat chalk?
The others stare at her, bemused.
ROGUE: Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh!
KITTY: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just like, two people going out to dinner and- not having sex.
KURT: Sounds like a date to me.
INT. DUNCAN'S COFFEE
Later on, KURT is regaling them with a dream he had.
KURT: Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in ze middle of the cafeteria, und I realise I am totally naked.
ALL: Oh, yeah. Had that dream.
KURT: Zen I look down, and I realise zere's a phone... zere.
EVAN: Instead of...?
KURT: Zat's right.
EVAN: Never had that dream.
ROGUE: No.
KURT: All of a sudden, ze phone starts to ring. And it turns out it's my mother, vich is very veird, because- she never calls me!
The door opens and SCOTT SUMMERS walks in. SCOTT is KITTY'S brother, tall with short brown hair and ruby quartz glasses, which he constantly wears. He works at a museum and has just split up with his wife.
SCOTT: (Depressed) Hi.
EVAN: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.
KITTY: Are you like, okay, sweetie?
SCOTT: I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck...
KURT: Cookie?
KITTY: (Explaining to the others) Amara moved her stuff out today. (To Scott) Like, let me get you some coffee.
ROGUE: Ooh! Oh!
ROGUE starts to pluck at the air in front of SCOTT.
SCOTT: No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay? I'll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy.
KITTY: No you don't.
SCOTT: No I don't, to hell with her, she left me!
EVAN: And you never knew she was a lesbian...
SCOTT: No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I know?
KURT: Sometimes I vish I vas a lesbian...
The others turn and stare at him.
KURT: (Cont'd) Did I say zat out loud?
EVAN: Alright Scott, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?
SCOTT gestures his consent.
EVAN: Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some hormones!
SCOTT: I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I just- I just wanna be married again!
JEAN GREY enters. She has long red hair, and is wearing a wet wedding dress.
KURT: And I just want a million dollars!
KURT extends his hand hopefully.
KITTY notices JEAN.
KITTY: Jean?!
JEAN: Oh God hi guys! Kitty, I am so glad to see you, I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!
A WAITRESS comes up to them.
WAITRESS: Can I get you some coffee?
KITTY: (Pointing at JEAN) De-caff. (To the gang) Okay, everybody, you like, remember Jean, right? (To JEAN) You remember everyone, right? Evan, Kurt, Rogue and Scott
JEAN: Hi, sure!
EVERYONE: Hi.
There's a moment of silence as Jean sits, the others look at her expecting her to explain.
KITTY: So you wanna tell us now, or are we like, waiting for four wet bridesmaids?
JEAN: Oh God... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden-
The WAITRESS hands her a coffee.
JEAN: (To WAITRESS) Sweet 'n' Lo? (To the others)- I realised that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Bobby! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me: how much Bobby looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, he always looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. (To KITTY) So anyway, I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only guys I know who live here in the city.
KITTY: Who weren't like, invited to the wedding.
JEAN: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue...
INT. KITTY'S APARTMENT.
KITTY'S apartment is large and comfortable. There is a main area, half of which is a kitchen and half a lounge. Two doors lead off from this room into bedrooms. Everyone, except JEAN, is watching a Spanish soap opera. EVAN, KITTY and ROGUE are on the sofa, whilst KURT is hanging from the ceiling by his tail, his image inducer currently off. JEAN is talking on the phone to her dad.
KITTY: Now I'm guessing that he like, bought her the big pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it.
JEAN: (On phone) Daddy, I just... I can't marry him! I'm sorry. I just don't love him. Well, it matters to me!
KURT: (Re TV) Ooh, she should not be vearing zose pants.
EVAN: I say push her down the stairs.
ROGUE, SCOTT, KURT and EVAN: Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! (She is pushed down the stairs. They cheer.)
JEAN: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! All of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I'm not saying I want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy!
SCOTT: You can see where he'd have trouble.
JEAN: Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll just stay here with Kitty.
KITTY: Well, I guess we've like, established who's staying here with Kitty...
JEAN: Well, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!!
A few minutes later Jean is breathing into a brown paper bag at the table, whilst the others comfort her.
KITTY: Just breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try to think of like, nice calm things...
ROGUE: (Sings) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens...
JEAN and KITTY turn to look at her
ROGUE: (Cont'd)..bluebells and sleighbells and- something with mittens... La la la la...
JEAN: I'm all better now.
ROGUE grins and walks over to KURT and EVAN.
ROGUE: I helped!
KITTY: Okay, look, this is probably for the best, y'know? Independence. Taking control of your life.
EVAN comes and sits beside her.
EVAN: And hey, you need anything, you can always come to Evan. Me and elf-boy live across the hall. And he's away a lot.
KITTY: Evan, stop like, hitting on her! It's her wedding day!
EVAN: What, like there's a rule or something?
The door buzzer sounds and Kurt gets it.
KURT: Please don't do that again, it's a horrible sound.
JEAN-PAUL: (Over intercom) It's, uh, it's Jean-Paul.
KITTY: Buzz him in!
EVAN: Who's Jean-Paul?
SCOTT: Jean-Paul Beaubier1? The Wine Guy, Jean-Paul?
KITTY: Maybe.
EVAN: Wait. Your 'not a real date' tonight is with Jean-Paul the Wine Guy?
SCOTT: He finally asked you out?
KITTY: Yes!
KURT: Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment.
KITTY: Jean, wait, I can like, cancel...
JEAN: Please, no, go, that'd be fine!
KITTY: (To SCOTT) Are, are you okay? I mean, do you want me to stay?
SCOTT: (Choked voice) That'd be good...
KITTY: (Horrified) Really?
SCOTT: (Normal voice) No, go on! It's Jean-Paul the Wine Guy!
There's a knock at the door. KITTY gets it. It's JEAN-PAUL the Wine Guy. JEAN-PAUL is tall with brown hair, pointed ears and upswept eyebrows.
KITTY: Hi, come in! Jean-Paul, this is..
KITTY turns to find them all lined up next to the door.
KITTY: (Cont'd) ... everybody, everybody, this like, is Jean-Paul.
ALL: Hey! Jean-Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey!
KURT: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Jean-Paul, was it?
KITTY shows JEAN-PAUL in.
KITTY: Two seconds.
ROGUE: Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good.
SCOTT: So Jean, what're you, uh... what're you up to tonight?
JEAN: Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing!
SCOTT: Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon, God.. No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year... talk about your-
SCOTT thinks.
SCOTT: (Cont'd) -big lizards... Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, Evan and Kurt are coming over to help me put together my new furniture.
KURT: (Deadpan) Ja, and ve're very excited about it.
JEAN: Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight..
SCOTT: Okay, sure.
EVAN: Hey Rogue, you wanna help?
ROGUE: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.
INT. SCOTT'S apartment.
SCOTT, EVAN and KURT are assembling furniture. KURT and EVAN are making a bookcase, KURT using his tail to help him, whilst SCOTT is squatting and puzzling over some instructions.
SCOTT: I'm supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things, using a bunch of these little worm guys. I have no brackety thing, I see no worm guys whatsoever and- I cannot feel my legs.
KURT and EVAN have just finished the bookcase. However, they have a piece left over.
EVAN: What's this?
KURT: I have no idea.
EVAN checks SCOTT is not looking and dumps it in a plant pot.
EVAN: Done with the bookcase!
KURT: All finished!
SCOTT is clutching a beer can and sniffling.
SCOTT: This was Amara's favourite beer. She always drank it out of the can, I should have known.
EVAN: Scott, let me ask you a question. She got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did you get?
SCOTT: You guys.
KURT: Oh, man.
EVAN: You got screwed.
INT. RESTAURANT.
KITTY and JEAN-PAUL are eating dinner.
KITTY: Oh my God!
JEAN-PAUL: I know, I know, I'm such an idiot. I guess I should have caught on when she started going to the dentist four and five times a week. I mean, how clean can teeth get?
KITTY: My brother's like, going through that right now, he's such a mess. How did you get through it?
JEAN-PAUL: Well, you might try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers, say her-
KITTY: -leg?
JEAN-PAUL: (Laughing) That's one way! Me, I- I went for the watch.
KITTY: You like, actually broke her watch?
INT. KITTY'S APPARTMENT.
JEAN is pacing around and talking on the phone.
JEAN: Bobby, I'm sorry... I am so sorry... I know you probably think that this is all about what I said the other day about you making love with your socks on, but it isn't... it isn't, it's about me, and I ju-
She stops talking and dials a number on the phone.
JEAN: Hi, machine cut me off again... anyway...
INT. SCOTT'S APPARTMENT
SCOTT: You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, y'know? I mean what if you get one woman- and that's it? Unfortunately in my case, there was only one woman- for her...
EVAN: What are you talking about? 'One woman'? That's like saying there's only one flavour of ice cream for you. Lemme tell you something, Scott. There's lots of flavours out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get 'em with Jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, like, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon!
SCOTT: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.
KURT: Stay avay from my freezer!
INT. RESTAURANT
JEAN-PAUL: Ever since she walked out on me, I, uh...
KITTY: What?..... What, you wanna like, spell it out with noodles?
JEAN-PAUL: No, it's, it's more of a fifth date kinda revelation.
KITTY: Oh, so there is gonna be a fifth date?
JEAN-PAUL: Isn't there?
KITTY: Yeah... yeah, I think there is. -So what were you gonna say?
JEAN-PAUL: Well, ever-ev-... ever since she left me, um, I haven't been able to, uh, perform.
KITTY takes a sip of her drink.
JEAN-PAUL: (Cont'd)...Sexually.
KITTY spits out her drink in shock.
KITTY: Oh God, oh God, I am like, so sorry... I am so sorry...
JEAN-PAUL: It's okay...
KITTY: Being spit on is like, probably not what you need right now. Um... how long?
JEAN-PAUL: Two years.
KITTY: Wow! I'm glad you smashed her watch!
JEAN-PAUL: So you still think you, um... might want that fifth date?
KITTY: (Pause)...Yeah. Yeah, I do.
INT. KITTY'S APARTMENT
JEAN is watching 'Joanie loves Chachi'.
TV: 'I, Joanie, take you, Charles, to be my lawful husband.' 'Do you take...'
JEAN: Oh...see... but Joanie loved Chachi! That's the difference!
INT. SCOTT'S APARTMENT
SCOTT: (Scornful) Grab a spoon. Do you know how long it's been since I've grabbed a spoon? Do the words 'Billy, don't be a hero' mean anything to you? Y'know, here's the thing. Even if I could get it together enough to- to ask a woman out,... who am I gonna ask?
He gazes out of the window.
INT. KITTY'S APPARTMENT
JEAN is staring out of the window.
INT. JEAN and KITTY'S APPARTMENT
JEAN is making coffee for EVAN and KURT, who hasn't got his image inducer on currently.
JEAN: Isn't this amazing? I mean, I have never made coffee before in my entire life.
KURT: Zat is amazing.
EVAN: Congratulations. And while you're on a roll, if you feel like you gotta make like a Western omelette or something...
EVAN and KURT taste the coffee, grimace, and pour it into a plant pot.
EVAN: (Cont'd) Although actually I'm really not that hungry...
KITTY enters from her room.
ALL: Morning. Good morning.
JEAN-PAUL enters from KITTY'S room. KURT hurridley switches his image inducer on, but luckily JEAN-PAUL is too busy looking at KITTY to notice him.
JEAN-PAUL: Morning.
EVAN: Morning, Jean-Paul.
JEAN: Hello, Jean-Paul.
KURT: Hi, Jean-Paul, is it?
KITTY and JEAN-PAUL walk to the door and talk in a low voice so the others can't hear. The others shunt KITTY'S table closer to the door so they can hear.
KITTY: I like, had a really great time last night.
JEAN-PAUL: Thank you. Thank you so much.
KITTY: We'll like, talk later.
JEAN-PAUL: Yeah. (They kiss) Thank you.
JEAN-PAUL leaves.
EVAN: That wasn't a real date?! What the hell do you do on a real date?
KITTY: Shut up, and put my table back.
ALL: Okayyy!
THEY DO.
KURT: All right, kids, I gotta get to vork. If I don't input zose numbers,... it doesn't make much of a difference...
JEAN: So, like, you guys all have jobs?
KITTY: Yeah, we all like, have jobs. See, that's how we buy stuff.
EVAN: Yeah, I'm an actor.
JEAN: Wow! Would I have seen you in anything?
EVAN: I doubt it. Mostly regional work.
KITTY: Oh wait, wait, unless you like, happened to catch the Reruns' production of Pinocchio.
KURT: 'Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.'
EVAN: I will not take this abuse.
EVAN walks to the door and opens it to leave.
KURT: You're right, I'm sorry.
KURT bursts into song and dances out of the door
KURT: (Cont'd) 'Once I vas a vooden boy, a little vooden boy..'
EVAN follows him out and closes the door behind him.
KITTY: So like, how are you doing today? Did you sleep okay? Talk to Bobby? I can't stop smiling.
JEAN: I can see that. You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth.
KITTY: I know, he's just so, so... Do you like, remember you and Duncan?
JEAN: Oh, yeah.
KITTY: Well, it's like that. With feelings.
JEAN: Oh wow. Are you in trouble.
KITTY: Okay. Okay. I am just like, going to get up, go to work and not think about him all day. Or else I'm just gonna get up and go to work.
JEAN: Oh, look, wish me luck!
KITTY: What for?
JEAN: I'm gonna go get one of those job things.
KITTY leaves.
INT. IRIDIUM
The Iridium is a restaurant where KITTY works as a chef. She is cutting some vegetables on her own, when the door opens and one of her colleagues, Yuriko2 enters.
YURIKO: Hey, Kitty!
KITTY: Hey, welcome back! Like, how was Florida?
YURIKO: You had sex, didn't you?
KITTY: How do you do that?
YURIKO: So? Who?
KITTY: You like, know Jean-Paul?
YURIKO: Jean-Paul the Wine Guy? Oh yeah, I know Jean-Paul.
KITTY: You like, mean you know Jean-Paul like I know Jean-Paul?
YURIKO: Are you kidding? I take credit for Jean-Paul. Y'know before me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years.
INT. DUNCAN'S COFFEE
Everyone is there, except for JEAN.
EVAN: (Perched on the arm of the sofa) Of course it was a line!
KITTY: Why?! Why? Why, why would anybody do something like that?
SCOTT: I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than 'to get you into bed'.
KITTY: Is it me? Have I got like, some sort of beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?
ROGUE: All right, c'mere, gimme your feet.
ROGUE massages them.
KITTY: I just thought he was like, nice, y'know?
EVAN: (Bursts out laughing) I can't believe you didn't know it was a line!
KITTY pushes him off the sofa arm. JEAN enters with shopping.
JEAN: Guess what?
SCOTT: You got a job?
JEAN: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed out of twelve interviews today.
KURT: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat.
JEAN: You would be too if you found John and David boots on sale, fifty percent off!
KURT: Oh, how vell you know me...
JEAN: They're my new 'I don't need a job, I don't need my parents, I've got great boots' boots!
KITTY: How'd you like, pay for them?
JEAN: Uh, credit card.
KITTY: And who like, pays for that?
JEAN: Um... my... father.
INT. KITTY AND JEAN'S APPARTMENT
Everyone is sitting around the table. On the table are JEAN'S credit cards and a pair of scissors.
KITTY: C'mon, you can't like, live off your parents your whole life.
JEAN: I know that. That's why I was getting married.
ROGUE: Give her a break, it's hard being on your own for the first time.
JEAN: Thank you.
ROGUE: You're welcome. I remember when I first came to this city. I was fourteen. My mom had just killed herself and my step-dad was back in prison, and I got here, and I didn't know anybody. And I ended up living with this albino guy who was, like, cleaning windows outside port authority, and then he killed himself, and then I found aromatherapy. So believe me, I know exactly how you feel.
There's a pause.
SCOTT: The word you're looking for is 'Anyway'...
KITTY: You ready?
JEAN: I don't think so.
SCOTT: C'mon, cut. Cut, cut, cut,...
ALL: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut...
JEAN cuts them all up and everybody cheers.
KITTY: Welcome to the real world! It sucks. You're gonna love it!
INT. KITTY AND JEAN'S APPARTMENT
It's night now and KITTY, JEAN and SCOTT have just finished watching a film.
KITTY: Well, that's like, it.
JEAN: (To SCOTT) You gonna crash on the couch?
SCOTT: No. No, I gotta go home sometime.
KITTY: You gonna be okay?
SCOTT: Yeah.
JEAN: Hey Kitty, look what I just found on the floor.
JEAN holds up a watch and KITTY smiles.
JEAN: What?
KITTY: That's Jean-Paul's watch. You just put it back where you found it. Oh boy. Alright. Goodnight, everybody.
She stomps on Jean-Paul's watch and goes to her room.
SCOTT: Mmm.
Both SCOTT and JEAN reach for the last cookie.
SCOTT: (Cont'd) Oh, no-
JEAN: Sorry-
SCOTT: No no no, go-
JEAN: No, you have it, really, I don't want it-
SCOTT: Split it?
JEAN: Okay.
SCOTT: Okay.
They split it.
SCOTT: (Cont'd) You know you probably didn't know this, but back at the Institute, I had a, um, major crush on you.
JEAN: I knew.
SCOTT: You did! Oh.... I always figured you just thought I was Kitty's geeky older brother.
JEAN: I did.
SCOTT: Oh. Listen, do you think- and try not to let my intense vulnerability become any kind of a factor here- but do you think it would be okay if I asked you out? Sometime? Maybe?
JEAN: Yeah, maybe...
SCOTT: Okay... okay, maybe I will...
JEAN: Goodnight.
SCOTT: Goodnight.
JEAN gets up and goes into her bedroom. SCOTT looks happy as he leaves, and as he's about to go KITTY emerges in a dressing gown.
KITTY: See ya.... Waitwait, what's like, with you?
SCOTT: I just grabbed a spoon.
SCOTT leaves.
INT. DUNCAN'S COFFEE
JEAN is working as a waitress, whilst everyone else is sitting on the sofa and chairs.
EVAN: I can't believe what I'm hearing here.
ROGUE: (Sings) I can't believe what I'm hearing here...
KITTY: What? I-I said you had like, a-
ROGUE: (Sings) What I said...
KITTY: (To ROGUE) Would you stop?
ROGUE: Oh, was I doing it again?
JEAN walks up with a pot of coffee.
JEAN: Would anybody like more coffee?
KURT: Did you make it, or are you just serving it?
JEAN: I'm just serving it.
ALL: Yeah. Yeah, I'll have a cup of coffee.
KURT: Kids, new dream... I'm in Las Vegas. I'm Liza Minelli-
CAST
Scott Summers.................................Kirby Morrow
Jean Grey.................................Venus Terzo
Evan Daniels.................................Neil Denis
Rogue/Waitress.................................Meghan Black
Kurt Wagner.................................Brad Swaile
Kitty Pryde.................................Maggie Blue O'Harra
Yuriko.................................Janyse Jaud
Jean-Paul Beaubier.................................Vincent Gale
What will happen to our intrepid band of friends next episode. Here's a quick preview.
KITTY: What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is like, as important as any part of it.
AMARA: I'm pregnant.
SCOTT: Pregnant?!
JEAN: I mean, didn't you think you were just gonna meet someone, fall in love- and that'd be it?
SCOTT gazes at her
JEAN: (Cont'd) ..Scott?
SCOTT: Yes, yes!
BOBBY: I went with Rahne.
JEAN: Rahne?! My maid of honour, Rahne?!
All this and much more in the next episode of X Friends!
1 - Jean-Paul Beaubier is an X-Man known as Northstar who can move at incredible speeds and fly.
2 - Yuriko is Lady Deathstrike's real name. Lady Deathstrike possesses bionic limbs and senses, telescoping arms, and lethal claws, among other enhancements.