FF Big Brother

"Welcome to the start up for BIG BROTHER 2005!!!" Davina screams at the mental crowd.

""We will be watching them for the next nine weeks in close surveillance. No weapons, no magic but pure entertainment! On a more serious note, if the cameras are attacked or mysteriously destroyed Big Brother will take serious action." Face turns grave and evil.

"Now then let's welcome the first contestant into the house!!!" She screams again louder, the crowd pumping up the hysteria.

"First in will be Tifa, from Sector Seven slums she runs her own bar called, Seventh Heaven and lives with Barret and his daughter Marlene, FACT: she did have relations with a certain Cloud Strife who couldn't be here tonight because he couldn't be bothered! Give it up for TIFA!!!"

Tifa steps out of black car and walks through the crowd to the steps into the Big Brother house.

Is searched by a guard on the stairs enjoying it a little too much. Crowd going mental.

Walks into house waving one last time to the crowd.

"Next we have Red XIII from the Cosmo Canyon, he is part of the Gi Tribe, and real name Nanaki prefers Red XIII. Lives with strange old man who likes to laugh called Buganhagen! FACT: His father was killed protecting his son and city and Red thought he was a coward! What an idiot!"

Red XIII dives out of car and dives onto the stage, three bodyguards materialise protecting Davina. Red XIII ignores them and pads up the stairs.

"WOW What a temper!" Davina jokes.

Red XIII stands on hind legs and roars, crowd go silent, then enters house.

Inside the house Tifa is examining the cushions squeezing them. Then Red XIII storms in.

"HI REDXIII! How ya doing?" She drops cushion.

"Shut up, let us talk about something worthwhile. OK… Like…"
"Like how rude that Davina bitch is!"

"Ok!"

"WOW they are already at it folks!" Davina yells. Crowd screams.

"Next up we have Cid Highwind, he is a pilot and has always dreamed of flying into space. Unfortunately his girl friend Sheila ruined this dream and he had to abort his mission. FACT: He has quite a potty mouth on him!"

Cid steps out of the car and struts past the crowd.

Goes up the stairs is searched by guard.

"GET YOUR &($ HANDS OFF ME YOU FREAKING PERVERT!" He screams.

"NO, Cid he is making sure you don't have anything illegal on you!" Davina called over.

Cid ignores her and storms up the stairs and through the door.

Inside the house.

"You see, I always felt abandoned as a child, he was never there for me!" Red XIII wiping a tear from his face.

Tifa looks on in awe squeezing her cushion.

"That is IT!" Cid howls as he storms through the door.

"Excuse me we were having a civilised conversation here! How the hell did you get in here?" Red asked looking up.

"UH THE $&&£$ public voted me in so shut $&$$ hole!"

Tifa looks at them both.

"WHY AM I STUCK WITH THE FREAKS?" She screams.

"WOW, this Is gripping television people stay tuned as we add another, WOMAN!"

commercial break

"Welcome back to Big Brother 2005, next in the house we have RINOA HEARTILY!"

A black car pulls up.

"Rinoa is 17, she has a dog called Angelo, and had certain relationships with a Mr. Squall Leonhart. FACT: A sorceress from the future tried to possess Rinoa and destroy the world, Rinoa still has some of that magic in her will she use it?" Davina exaggeratedly raises an eyebrow.

Rinoa walks through the crowd to the steps.

Smiling and waving, enters house pouting for the cameras.

Cid looks up as Rinoa enters.

"AAHHHH! It's a Shannon Doherty look-a-like!"

"£$$££ OFF FREAK!" Rinoa replies in a cool demeanour pouting.

"Hey, I like you!" Rinoa flounces over and sits down on the sofa.

"We have the same hair!" Tifa gushes touching Rinoa's.

"Yup we do!" Rinoa smiles sweetly shuffling away from her.

"WOW can you believe it? SERIOUSLY! A Shannon Doherty look-a-like well I never!" Davina screams. Crowd howls.

"Next in we have… WHERE $£& IS THE &$ CAR?" Davina screams.

A girl in yellow squeezes through the crowd.

"I'M HERE!" She squeals.

"WHY ARE YOU THERE?" Davina shrieks.

"I didn't get the car, I got the train, TEE HEE!"

"WELL THIS IS SELPHIE TILMITT!" Davina screams.

Selphie giggles pushing through the crowd.

"Selphie, loves trains, had relations with a certain, Irvine and used to go to Trabia Garden. Now she works at Balamb on the Garden Festival Committee. FACT: She has an OCD with SUGAR!"

"HEEEEY!" Selphie squealed as she is being searched by guard.

"Ah, ah, ah." Guard says. "She has the white stuff on her!"
"NO DON'T TAKE MY SUGAR!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Runs into house.

"Ok…." Davina for once speechless. "Well normally they run out of the house! HA!"

Selphie runs in screaming.

Red XIII recounting his tales of pain and loss, everyone intrigues sitting around him squeezing cushions.

"WHERE IS THE SUGAR?" Selphie howls.

"We aren't allowed in the kitchen yet." Tifa replied not looking up.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Selphie runs towards the garden, only to run straight into the glass sliding doors that were locked.

"Ooh!" Was the collective sigh.

"Anyway when I was younger there was no one there to…."

"OUCH! Next up we have Zell Dincht from Balamb who STILL lives with his parents. He is 17, a member of SeeD and LOVES hotdogs. FACT: his nickname is chicken wuss."

Zell screamed as he came out of the car.

"IF YOU £$$&S CALL ME THAT I WILL PUNCH YOU SO HARD YOU WON'T HAVE TIME TO $$&$£ SCREAM!"

"I must say as presenter the language tonight has been £$££ appalling!"

Zell entered the house. Although dragged by several body guards. No one really expected FF characters to be so violent. Perhaps it was suffering with those random battles all day…

"Hey! Everyone the Dincht is here." Zell said proudly as he walked through the doors.

"Dincht go back!" Rinoa smirked.

"NO WAY! I was voted in by the people. SO I have a right to be here." Zell replied proudly.

"But you don't have a right to be annoying." Tifa muttered.

"What you say?" Zell clenched his fist.

"WOW! I can't believe they're already at it! And they haven't even been provided with alcohol! FACT: This is about all our contestants by the way! None of them have experienced the wonders of drunkenness!!! How do you think they will cope?" Davina yelled with a tinge of irony in her voice. "Next up we have Eiko Carol of Madain Sari!"

Eiko got out of her car and the first thing she screamed was "MOG YOU GET YOUR LITTLE ORANGE BUTT BACK HERE," But much to her dismay Mog ignored her and she was alone.

"Eiko! Pets are confiscated for the duration of the show!" Davina called to Eiko as she stamped her feet irritated waiting for the moogle to appear.

"Eiko is from the summoner's village, Madain Sari where she lived with a small clan of moogle, her family were killed in a freaky storm and she is the last of her kind excluding of course her Royal Highness Princess Garnet who couldn't be here tonight. FACT: Eiko is 6 years old and has a huge crush on a certain, mister Zidane Tribal.

"YOU MORON IT'S DAGGER!" Eiko howled as she was being searched on the steps to the house.

"Yes sure it is!" Davina smiled and waved at her.

"Bitch!" Eiko muttered as she entered the house. "Why is she on the floor?" She pointed to the twitching body of Selphie.

"No &&((& idea. Do you want to listen or what?" Cid shouted angrily.

"Ok mister." Eiko smiled sweetly flouncing towards them and sitting next to Zell stealing his cushion.

"I know they're quite civilised! Boring isn't it! We don't ask Big Brother for more alcohol?" Davina asked the audience darkly. The cheers were deafening. "Ok but first we get our next housemate. All the way from the Qu's marsh in the mist continent. I give you! QUINA!" Quina stuck it's tongue out the blacked out windows in the car. There was a sudden scream in the crowd. The door opened and the crowd erupted into scream of panic. Quina waddled out of the car, but suddenly stopped. It was stuck.

"ME STUCK!" It cried. Davina gave out a laugh.

"Guys! Quina is stuck!" She said enthusiastically. Eventually the driver had to go around the other side and push Quina out. Quina fell on it's front. Because it was lying on it's tongue it couldn't say anything so it waved it's arms madly. The crowd started laughing. This was too rich!

"Quina is a Qu from the mist continent. His master is Quen and Quen has taught Quina many things. From how to protect his tongue from the dangers of white tongue and how to cook precious gourmet meals. FACT: Quina's favourite food is FROGS!" The crowd gave a nervous laugh. But when the driver couldn't put Quina up right the laugh was full on. Several body guards had to come and put Quina up right. The crowd was in fits.

"I think we'll take a commercial break while our men try to figure this out.

Commercial Break

"Sick of dull lifeless hair?" Celes shook her golden locks in front of the television.

"Want something new?" Claudia Schiffer walked on and did the same.

"Loreal!" The both said at the same time.

"Because you're worth it!" Locke's head appeared on the screen.

"LOCKE GET OUT OF MY VIEW!" Cele's voice screeched.

"Sorry! Buy Loreal!" Locke sniggered.

Commercial break over

"We're back. Just so you know we got Quina in the house." Davina gave a weak laugh. "We now have our next contestant. VIVI!" Vivi walked out of the car then tripped over his cloak. A large "aww" went through the crowd quickly. Vivi picked himself up brushed himself down and sorted his hat. And began to waddle for the stairs to the BB house, "VIVI is a Black Mage and used to live with his Grandpa, a Qu like a Quina called Quan, Vivi has extremely powerful black magic and loves to set fire to things… oh look there he is now!" Davina screeched.

The guard on the stairs searching Vivi had made him fell a little uncomfortable. So Vivi set his glasses on fire and waddled into the house.

"FACT ON VIVI: his grandpa tried to eat him but he was never big enough."

Vivi stumbled into the house everyone had gotten progressively more bored with Red's depressing life so were now playing truth or dare. Eiko in particular was loving this game.

"I dare… hmm… Rinoa to kiss Cid!" Eiko laughed.

"EW!" Rinoa groaned.

"Oooh!" Cid smiled puckering up.

Squall sat staring intently at the screen of his TV. He puts his fingers to his temples, imagine it was me, imagine it was me!

"Mwah!" Rinoa pecked Cid on the cheek.

"AW!" Everyone groaned.

"AW!" Squall grunted.

"AW!" Davina howled. "How romantic!"

"Next up we have, RIKKU!"

Rikku clambered out of the car, in true model style tripping slightly over the door.

"Rikku currently stars in a lingerie advert that will be hitting the box soon, keep your eyes peeled for it! She is an Al Bhed and works on her Dad's airship, she works with Lady Yuna and is looking for love." A million wolf whistle erupted from the crowd. Rikku grinned and waved at them. Walking past the guards to the door, blowing a kiss before entering, not before Davina mentioned, "FACT: NEVER HAD A FIRST KISS!!" Rikku paused swinging around to glare at Davina. The crowd goes silent.

"Hey I can't hear anything, they are all quiet!" Red XIII said.

"Wonder why?" Vivi mused.

"THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE, I NEED TO SPEAK TO MY AGENT HOW DID SHE KNOW THAT??????????????????"

Rikku stormed into the house.

"Davina?" Red XIII asked.

"How did you know?" Rikku asked throwing herself onto the sofa.

The whole group collectively sigh.

"Our second last contestant is YUNA!"

The crowd were reaching hysteria as Yuna got out of her car, and walked past them. The crowd were trying to grab her, Yuna petrified ran for the guards!

"YOU LOVE HER I LOVE HER WE ALL LOVE HER! YUNA!!!!!!" Davina screeched.

"Yuna was born in Bevelle and lived in Besaid most her young life being tutored by Lulu and Wakka, her father was the High Summoner Braska and she defeated Sin, she is now here to live with the most dysfunctional lot of so-and-sos the producers could come up with, will she survive? Undoubtedly NO!"

"HEY!" Yuna screamed pausing before going through the doors.

"FACT: Her boyfriend is also going into the house!"

"WHAT?" Yuna asked genuinely surprised.

Inside the house, "OK, I dare… uh Zell, to lick Red XIII's ear!" Cid said laughing insanely as the doors creaked open and Yuna walked in.

"Oh my GOD!" Yuna rushed over to Selphie, "Is she ok?"

"Don't know, don't care!" Zell said squirming as he approached Red who was growling at him.

"Do it and you won't have a tongue!"

Commercial break

Sorry we are experiencing some technical difficulties concerning the housemates and their welfare tongues.

"OUR FINAL CONTESTANT IS TIDUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Davina howled the crowd's screams were deafening.

"Tidus was born in Zanarkand 1000 years ago, he was transported to our time then was killed and now is here to do Big Brother, what a great sport!"

Tidus dived out of the car and threw his arms into the air absorbing the crowds cheers nodding his head.

"FACT: His father was the great Blitzball player Jecht and called him cry-a-baby"

"OI!"

The crowd quietened.

"AW DAMMIT!" Tidus raced to the door ignoring the guards and racing into the house before anyone could catch him.

"WELL THERE IS THE CONTESTANTS I'LL SEE YOU LATER WITH NEWS FROM THE HOUSE BUT FOR NOW HERE IS WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THE HOUSE! GOODNIGHT!!!!!!!!!" Davina screamed.

Theme music plays.

"I say we KILL HER!" Red XIII growled.

"I agree," Rinoa nodded.

No one could argue there.

"You hear that Davina your DEAD!" Zell yelled with a lisp his lip bleeding.