Warning: This story contains MASSIVE spoilers for Madoka Magica. If you plan on watching it ever, I would do so before reading this.
Note: I generally do not use music cues in my stories, however, since the music of both of these works is absolutely fantastic, there will be exactly three cues. This is to share the music of these works with those who are fans of but one.
Chapter 1
All the Death Threats
"Eh? Where the heck am I?" says a young-looking girl in an alley. Her location and apparent short term memory loss are not the only strange things about this girl, as she is wearing a stereotypical witch's outfit, plus a large bow on the oversized hat. This outfit is even complemented by an old straw broom. "Godsdammit, Yukari! Where'd'ya drop me this time?" the girl demands of the empty air. Stranger still, the air responds, though only with a chuckle. The girl huffs, and then says "Fine, but you owe me some damn good sake when I'm finished with… whatever this is." She takes a look around, examining everyday things, like trash cans, as though she'd never seen them before. The biggest surprise to the girl comes when she looks up, and promptly falls over backwards, uttering an oath as she does so. "Geez. Who needs buildings so big? Is everybody around here giants or something? And what the heck are they made of? This don't look like any wood I've ever seen." she says. She puts her hand on her chin for a while, trying to recall if she's ever seen anything like this before. She touches one, and says "It feels like rock. Wait, giant buildings made a' rock… where've I heard that before… Right! That paper, when Aya interviewed that energetic shrine maiden from the outside… YUKARI! Why the HELL'D you drop me in the outside world!?"
The air laughs, and says "I didn't think you would realize where you are so quickly. Congratulations." There is the sound of clapping, and then the 'air' named Yukari falls silent once more.
"Course I would. Just 'cuz I talk like this don't mean I'm not smart, you know. Anyway, stop tryin' ta distract me, why'd you ever put someone in the outside?" the girl says. The unseen person stays silent this time. "Fine. Have it your way. But, can't ya at least tell me where I'm suppose'ta be goin'?" the girl says with resignation.
"Oh, you needn't worry about that. Your hosts will find you soon enough." Yukari says, once again laughing.
"Do you, like, get off on being stupidly vague or something?" the girl says. There is no response. The girl shakes her head, causing the large ribbon on her hat to flop around comically. "Ugh. Guess I'll just hafta wait here." she says, sitting down. She remains seated for a time, but as the sun begins to set, she gets up and starts pacing. "They'd better show up soon, or I'm gonna start tryin' ta get their attention on my own, and you know what that means, don't'cha, Yukari?" she says, pulling out a small, octagonal object and tossing it up and catching it a couple of times.
"N-no, I'm sure they'll be here soon. You don't have to do that." Yukari assures the girl, sounding nervous.
As if on cue, a small group of girls enters the alley, all of them wearing school uniforms. One of them says "It should be right around here." As they look around and see only the girl in the ridiculous outfit, one of them, a redhead, says "Mami, I thought we were hunting monsters, not bad cosplayers."
The blonde, presumably Mami, says "We are. There should be one around here."
"Oi, it's rude ta stare, ya know?" the strangely dressed girl says.
"We're sorry. Um… I'm Mami Tomoe. It is a pleasure to meet you." the blonde says politely.
"Kyouko." the redhead says flippantly.
"Sayaka Miki. Nice to meet you." the one with blue hair says cheerfully.
"Homura Akemi." the black-haired one says.
"I-I'm Madoka. Madoka Kaname." the one with pink hair says nervously.
"Glad ta know your names. I was gettin' tired a' thinkin' of you by color. I'm Marisa Kirisame, just an average, everyday witch." says the girl with the witch outfit. At this statement, all of the schoolgirls, excluding Madoka, transform their clothes and pull out various weapons, all aimed at Marisa. Completely unperturbed by the weapons, Marisa says "Neat trick, think ya could teach it to me? It'd be nice ta never hafta wash my clothes." While doing this, she pulls out the octagonal object that had frightened Yukari earlier. Put off by Marisa's attitude, the girls look at each other. "Well, are we gonna Danmaku or what?" Marisa says, waiting on her broom, which the girls now notice is not touching the ground.
"Marisa, Danmaku is not an outside world activity, remember?" Yukari says.
"Oh, yeah… Sanae said somethin' about that… Wait, what the heck, guys? You were actually tryin' ta kill me? Some hosts you found, Yukari!" Marisa says. Yukari does not respond.
"Wait… did she just…" Sayaka says.
"With the air? I mean, I know witches are weird, but…" Kyouko says.
"A-and we're not even in a…" Madoka says.
"Now that I think about it, can witches even…" Mami says.
"Die." Homura says. She then shoots a rocket at Marisa, who dodges easily.
"Oi, low blow! I was yellin' at Gap-hag. You don't just interrupt somebody when they're doin' that." Marisa says. She points the flat side of the octagonal object at Homura, when a tombstone falls between them.
A split second later, there is a loud crack, and Homura, holding a gun, says "Damn."
"Oi, Yukari, I can defend myself, ya know?" Marisa says.
"There are no non-lethality rules out here, and the bullets they use travel much faster than what we use in spell card duels. Whether you believe me or not, you were seconds away from dying, and I can't have you fail this early. That would just be embarrassing, and from the people you're supposed to be helping, no less." Yukari says, laughing. Throughout this mocking, Homura has tried multiple different methods of reaching Marisa, all of which were thwarted by random objects falling from the sky.
"I'm suppose'ta help these people? Four of 'em tried ta kill me the instant they met me! And the other one hasn't done nothin' ta stop 'em!" Marisa complains.
"It wasn't when you met them; it was when you said you were a witch. I guess that's some sort of trigger word for them or something." Yukari says.
"You want me ta help 'em, and you don't know nothin' about 'em?" Marisa says.
There is another loud crack, and Homura, who is now somehow about three feet behind Marisa, swears again.
"Please, continue, Miss Homura. I would find oh so much enjoyment in teaching you a lesson personally." Yukari says in a tone that makes Marisa stand straight up and go paper-white.
"Uh, Miss Akemi, I would stop now if I were in your shoes. Whatever problems you might have with me, an angry Yukari is not worth it, I assure you." Marisa says.
The witch's sudden change in demeanor gives Homura pause. She continues aiming at Marisa for a few more seconds, before putting the gun back wherever she had it stored earlier.
"To answer your earlier question, Marisa, you are right. I 'don't know nothin'' about them; in fact, I know enough about them to know that they somehow affect our future. I also know that they are all middle-schoolers, aside from Kyouko, who only wears the uniform to blend in. She should be going to school also, but she skipped so much she got dropped, or something similar. Also, her father murdered the rest of her family before committing suicide. I also know that Sayaka likes a boy who should have been permanently injured, but was somehow healed. Homura was in the hospital for a period of time, and used to need glasses. Mami should have died in a car accident, which, for context, cars are like the large moving thing with lights I use sometimes, but smaller. And Madoka is boring." Yukari says, once again sounding perfectly amicable, although her flawless imitation of Marisa's voice is off-putting.
"Oi, don't make fun a' the way I talk!" Marisa says. Yukari chuckles. The schoolgirls and Kyouko simply stand there, jaws dropped.
"Anyways, now that they are questioning reality enough for you to talk to them, I'll be going. I'm tired. By the way, don't expect me to save you in the future like I did this time. Goodbye, Marisa." Yukari says.
"Well, bye. Anyway, why did you guys try ta kill me when I said I was a witch?" Marisa says.
Madoka, fidgeting with her clothes, says "Well, uh… We… They, uh…"
"Geez, girl, spit it out already." Marisa says, eliciting a small laugh from Kyouko, who is quickly silenced by a glare from Sayaka.
"We hunt beings of despair that are called witches. They kill people and feed off of their suffering." Mami says.
"Well, I don't think I've killed nobody, 'cept the fairies, but they come back, so it don't really count, and I certainly don't feed offa suffering. Least, not unless you wanna call Reimu's cooking suffering." Marisa says with a laugh.
"You've killed people?" Sayaka says, once again pulling out her weapon of choice, a sword.
"No, I've killed fairies. It's different, 'cuz they come back, and they're so dumb they kill themselves pretty often. Once, I watched as a fairy asphyxiated just 'cuz it forgot to breathe. Twenty minutes later, that same fairy got in my way, so I blasted it. On my way back, I saw it get killed again by a stronger fairy. About an hour later, it bugged me 'til I gave it a bit of food." Marisa says.
Sayaka just stands there for a moment. Then she says "Is that… normal?"
"Yeah, it happens all the time. Almost every day, actually." Marisa says.
Kyouko shakes her head and says "Either way, it's pretty obvious you're not the kind of witch we're looking for."
"Agreed. So, Marisa, was it? What are you going to do now? Do you… know where you are, even?" Mami says.
"Aside from 'not Gensokyo', nope. Ain't got a clue." Marisa says.
"Gensokyo is your home?" Homura says. Marisa nods.
"Do you, uh… Do you know how to get back there?" Madoka says.
"Nope. But, geez, you're the nervousest person I ever seen. And no, I don't care if nervousest ain't a word." Marisa says, shaking her head. She continues "Anyway, Yukari wouldn't let me back in if I figured out where it was without doin' whatever she wants me ta do, anyways."
"You said anyway twice." Kyouko says.
Marisa shrugs. "So, which one of ya am I gonna be boarding with anyways?" she says.
"What?" all of the other girls say at once.
"Yukari said you was my 'hosts'. That means I'm livin' with one of ya, no matter what any of us has to say about the matter. If Yukari wants somethin' ta happen, it happens. End of story. So you may as well decide for yourselves who I'm stayin' with, before Yukari decides for ya." Marisa says.
"I, uh, I guess you could live with me." Madoka says.
Another voice from the air, different from Yukari's, says "No, she cannot. Miss Yukari said that Marisa is to, under no circumstances, live with either Madoka Kaname or Sayaka Miki, as they are too socially active for Marisa's existence to stay hidden."
"Wow, stealth insult, much?" Kyouko and Marisa say at the same time.
They look at each other and start laughing, as the voice says "I am merely passing on Miss Yukari's message. Any hidden meaning in it is hers, not mine."
"Yeah, right." Kyouko says.
"Actually, knowing Ran, she's tellin' the truth." Marisa says.
"Well, much as I think we'd get along, I don't have enough food for two people. Sorry." Kyouko says.
"So that leaves you two. Much as I'm sure ya'd love ta have me, Homura, I think I'd rather live with Mami." Marisa says.
"No. I don't trust you, so you're rooming with me." Homura says.
"So, wait. You don't trust me, so you want me in the same house as you when you're sleeping? And Sanae said we was backwards." Marisa says.
"Miss Yukari also thought that would be best, as if you could assuage the fears of the least trusting member of their group, it would help you gain the trust of the others." Ran says.
"Eh, Ran, you're makin' me sound like a bad guy." Marisa says, scratching the back of her neck.
"My apologies. It was not my intent to do so. … Yes? … I'm sorry, Miss Marisa, but something has come up. Goodbye, and good night." Ran says.
The schoolgirls transform their clothes back to normal. "Seriously, could you teach me that spell? Washin' my clothes is such a pain." Marisa says, leaving the girls confused.
"I… don't quite understand what you mean." Mami says.
"You know, the magic. The spell you're doin' ta change your clothes like that." Marisa says.
"It's not… I doubt it's like whatever your magic is like." Homura says.
"Ah well, I'll live. Have done for the past however many years." Marisa says.
"What do you mean, however many years?" Madoka says.
"I stopped countin'. It's not really that important, ya know?" Marisa says.
"Of course it is! Your age determines all sorts of things, like when you can drive, when you can drink, when you can get married." Sayaka says.
"I've got no clue what you mean by driving, but where I come from, drinking's necessary for survival, and gettin' married's not really somethin' too special." Marisa says.
"She means alcohol, stupid. And whadd'ya mean, you don't know what driving is?" Kyouko says.
"I mean I don't know what driving is, stupid. At least, not in the way you're talkin' about it." Marisa says, though there is no ill intent behind their insults.
"Remember, Kyouko, when that 'Yukari' was talking about us, she gave Marisa a quick explanation on what a car is." Mami says.
"Yeah, she said it was like a tiny train. What about it?" Marisa says.
"Why'd she describe a train if you already know what it is?" Sayaka says.
"'Cuz she likes treatin' me like an idiot." Marisa says.
"Anyway, cars are made for transportation, but they don't move on their own. Somebody has to control it. That's what we mean by driving." Mami says.
"And is it really that exciting? And why don't you guys just fly everywhere?" Marisa says.
"We can't fly." Homura says.
Marisa laughs. "You expect me ta believe that ya can pull off a complicated transmutation spell on your clothes, but ya can't do somethin' as simple as not fall? I'm not stupid, ya know." she says.
"B-but they really can't." Madoka says.
"Holy hell, girl, stop stutterin' already. I can hardly understand what you're sayin'." Marisa says.
"You're one to talk, miss 'Imma igno al teh porpa gramm an speki ruls cus a cen'." Sayaka says.
"Ah, come off it, blue. You an' I both know my speech ain't that bad." Marisa says.
"Yeah, and we both know Madoka is perfectly understandable." Sayaka says.
"Anyways, you guys really can't fly, huh? Sucks, it's so convenient." Marisa says with a shrug.
"Well, fun as it is, we didn't just come out here to chat. We came to go witch hunting." Kyouko says.
"Yes, and it seems that the witch has left this area." Mami says.
"Wait, you said these… Ya need ta come up with a different name for 'em, but these 'witches', you said they feed offa suffering, right? I wonder if your detecty thingy thought Yukari was a witch? I mean, she don't kill people much anymore, but she does feed offa negative emotions, and if she wasn't concealin' herself, she probably'd radiate enough power to be picked up from the moon." Marisa says. She finds a sword, a spear, and two guns at her neck.
"You're working with a witch?" The girls say accusingly.
"I need ta learn ta keep my mouth shut… No, I'm being forced into this by a Yukari. She's not a 'witch', she's a youkai. And I certainly wouldn't recommend tryin' ta hunt her. It took me, someone who can turn invincible, and someone who can stop time all together ta beat her when she was barely awake and barely tryin'. The only person I know of who might be able ta give her a run for her money is the highest judge of the court of the dead. Which also goes to show, if Yukari was evil, we wouldn't be alive, nor would anybody else." Marisa says. The spear and magic rifle are lowered, but Sayaka's sword and Homura's pistol remain where they are.
"P-please stop, Homura, Sayaka. S-she says she's here to help, a-and I believe her. R-remember, she hasn't even attacked us yet, e-even though you've threatened her a whole bunch." Madoka says.
"She's probably too scared of us to fight." Sayaka says. She looks as though she is going to continue, but is interrupted by Marisa's laughter.
"Let's see here, I: A) Beat the snot out of a stuck-up vampire who can control fate. B) Beat the snot out of her little sister, who can destroy anything. C) Beat the snot out of a ghost who can kill anyone. D) Beat the snot out of two immortals, and the doctor who made them that way. E) Beat the snot out of two and a half gods. F) Beat the snot out of a power-mad bird who controls nuclear fusion. What have you done lately?" Marisa says with a crooked smile on her face.
"Sh-she's j-just bluffing, I'm sure." Sayaka says, though her sword has dropped a noticeable amount, as has Homura's gun.
Marisa takes off her hat, reaches inside, and pulls out a newspaper. The headline reads Black-White Puts Annoying Goddesses in Their Place! The sub-header reads Says she doesn't require payment, but a few valuable items have turned up missing. Watch your stuff!
"I kept this one, 'cuz it's the closest thing to that tengu sayin' somethin' nice about me I got." Marisa says.
"What's that bit about 'watch your stuff'?" Kyouko says.
"Eh, I'm only borrowing it. They live way longer than me, so they can just have it back when I die." Marisa says with a shrug. Kyouko laughs.
"Despite accepting that if you wanted us dead, you would have killed us already, I am suddenly rethinking my decision to have you stay with me." Homura says dryly, putting her gun away.
Marisa pats her on the shoulder, saying with a laugh "Knew you had a sense a' humor, Homura! Maybe this won't be so bad after all. Anyway, you aren't livin' any longer than me, so I'm not plannin' on borrowin' any a' your stuff."
"Now I know you're not human, Marisa. No human alive has ever gotten Homura to make a joke." Sayaka laughs, disappearing her weapon as well.
"This is fun and all, but… Weren't ya gonna go hunt witches or somethin'?" Marisa says. "I'm interested ta see what these things you confused me for are like." she says.
Mami laughs nervously while scratching the back of her neck. "Well… um, you see…"
"They don't look nothin' like me, do they." Marisa says matter-of-factly.
"Nope. Not one bit. Though it's a bit excused 'cuz they don't look anything like each other, either." Kyouko says.
"Ah, well. I've been mistaken for a youkai before, so meh." Marisa says, shrugging.
"Anyway, yes, we are going to go hunt a witch. Would you like to come along?" Mami says.
"Yeah. Yukari said I'm suppose'ta help ya, and if huntin' is what you do, then I guess that's my job for the next however long, too." Marisa says. The native girls, sans Madoka, pull out crystals and start walking, with Madoka and Marisa following.