Worn me down
Disclaimer: Song was 'Worn me down' by Rachel Yamagata. Characters and events where either scripted by Josh Schwartz or based on his show. I don't own anything, nor do I benefit from it.
Dedicated to: Azep, writer of the first fanfiction I read about Alex and Marissa. Think Again had been everything: inspiring, beautiful, and heartbreaking.
It was only a week, but that one week had changed everything. It changed you more than you cared to admit. So you tried to revert back to before, I know that, but you shouldn't have to try and love me, you just should. You always had. Until Alex Kelly strolled into our lives, got tangled in our web of complications, and then skipped town. Not one word and left. It didn't seem like anything tragic at the time and I, personally didn't have much of an opinion on the whole matter. I guess I was just glad to have you back, only I never did get you back. I hadn't noticed that until a couple weeks back. But two can lie and cheat. We've always been best at indulging ourselves in fake smiles and familiar, yet uncomfortable kisses.
You hadn't betrayed me yet. Not physically at least, but I know as much as you are in denial to it, that if she came back, you'd split. Which frankly, does clear some things up. Though I had always brushed off your comments about her and missed the lazy smile that would glaze over your face whenever you talked about the things you used to do with her. Or when you would re-recite your funniest conversation with her by heart, I never stopped, not even for a second that this wasn't normal; that who you are isn't the Marissa Cooper I had first met.
I remember everything, how your designer clothes clung to your frame, also how your eyes lit up with curiosity and absolute child-like thrill when you spotted my cigarettes. Most of all, I remember telling myself that I was way out of my league.
You inhaled your first taste of freedom that night and you didn't even choke on it. Instead you just continued to stare at me with fascination, hiding your excitement behind a calm, smug façade. Back then, you were so easy to read.
Back then I knew you.
I remember asking you at one point during the bonefire, "She's gone. How do you feel about it?" It was awkward talking about her to you. I had been the 'other man.'
You forced out a, "I'm alright. I'm good," it was a blunt lie. I was so stupid to think you would be over it so easily. She was the one that got away, but my sixteen-year old self had just nodded it off. I ended up blinding myself, helping you to forget her in return.
Now, I'm tired. You've worn me down.
I've tried everything; including changing myself into something I'm not: a Newport-Ken. I've always hated being dirt-poor, but at least back then, I had you. I figured you would have more use for a gentleman than a stupid boy from Chino. I can tie my own tie now, I drive a Porche, and I'm a famous architect. What more did you want? If you wanted me to be her, I could've been. I have blonde hair, blue eyes, and most of all; I'm all hung up on you. Yet, similarities never did do much for you. You always had this: want, go, get attitude.
But all because of me, you're left with only want. And I guess I felt partly responsible, even though at the time you had been head-over-heels in love with me. Deep down I knew, it was all because I was the first honest guy in your life. I was just your insecurities, a friend, and a decent weapon against your evil mother. You never loved me; you only loved the idea of loving me. And I was just so in love with the change of pace, you were the girl next door, only you became more. You became my first crush, my first heartache, and now my first one-sided affair.
Tonight, I'm leaving you. I've been thinking it over for months, mulled the idea over in my head at least a dozen times and the only conclusion I could come up with was this. And once again, another male will abandon you, let you down, though I might not mean to I'll probably end up breaking you. But, it's alright because she'll be here to pick up the pieces and eventually fix you up. After all, I've done all that I could, I did everything you told, and everything to please. The bottom line is you can't stop thinking about her.
Good bye Marissa.
-- --
"She's gone goddammit, gone!" I take a deep breath to calm myself, after I find my composer I ask a second time, one last time, "How do you feel about it?" I take just one look at her, when she doesn't meet my eyes I nod bitterly, "That's what I thought. You're real torn up about it." An ugly laugh tears through my throat, cause I'm hurting, God does it hurt. Ignoring the lump caught in my throat I manage to spit out evenly, "I wish you the best," this is my lie. I leave soon afterwards and just like that I drive away.
Out of O.C, out of Chino, and forever out of Marissa's four walls.
-- --
While I'm away I think and review our relationship from different angles, then from all angles. Eventually I get lost in memory lane.
I recall a Friday afternoon. It had been raining when I arrived home, at the usual time. I found you in the kitchen staring off into the distance with a glass of red-wine cradled in your hand. I joined you, I started off patiently with a 'hey'. You merely nodded. This was the first conversation since months, usually we screamed at each other, both of us unhappy and frustrated with how everything had turned out. How crappy everything had turned out.
The yelling begins when I snap and state firmly, "You're wrong. I'm not overreacting. Something is off." The conversation had progressed to me asking if something was wrong, when you didn't reply I automatically questioned what's wrong. And that's when you rolled your eyes and shrugged it off as nothing.
It never was 'nothing', but I never questioned you again, too afraid of the answer and too tired. Too worn down.
-- --
Seventeen-year old Alex Kelly is a lot like me, there is no doubt about it. So when you replaced me with her, I had not even batted an eye. I knew you were just trying to rile me up and get a rise out of me. But I'm no Julie Cooper; to be honest I thought Alex was just a silly fling. Maybe even a moot way at getting revenge. Whatever it was, I had ignored it. And then Julie came along and messed with my head, deluding me into thinking Alex was some alcoholic psycho. So I played knight in shining armour, because I think I knew even back then that I couldn't risk losing you, I was too deep in love with you.
Who knew Alex was the permanent replacement.
-- --
I saw you a month later; you hadn't changed much, neither had I. The only thing that was different was our separation. You still looked just as beautiful as the night I first laid eyes on you, golden locks spilling down your shoulders and framing your flawless face. But you never spotted me as I walked away; instead you were looking out at the ocean tides, reminiscing.
I never looked back.
You can't stop thinking about her. No, you can't stop thinking about her.
Author's note: When I started this, I thought it would be a three part story. Divided up as: Ch 1: She's gone, Ch 2: You're wrong, and Ch 3: Can't stop, but I just shortened it. Mainly cause I'm lazy, but also cause I am horrible at songfics. I'm actually hoping that someone else could re-make this. In fact I would love it if someone re-wrote this with the same prompt. Either way, I hope you enjoyed this. And in case no one caught the plot, it was written from Ryan's point of view. This takes place after the series, but flashbacks are from season two and after. Basically it's about Ryan realizing Marissa's feelings for Alex. How Marissa can't stop thinking about Alex.