Hello... you... I see my hypnotic powers were successful in bringing you into my lair... Or maybe you just like Christmas. Either way, it's good. You see, being born on Christmas made me feel that I had the right... no, the duty to keep the spirit of Christmas alive year 'round! Nothing wrong with Christmas in July... So, my friends, I invite you to gather 'round the blazing yule, grab a glass of nog, sit back, and enjoy the EVA Christmas story that was never meant to be!

Disclaimer: Tell me... If I did own Evangelion and all of its characters, why would I be writing a fan fiction? Seriously!

On with the show!

How Gendo Does Christmas

Central Dogma, 10:13 AM

"I feel… Happy…" Supreme commander Gendo Ikari muttered from behind his folded hands. Fuyutsuki did a spit-take with the Mountain Dew he was drinking.

"I beg your pardon?" He said, clearing his ears.

Gendo glanced at his Garfield day-to-day calendar. "It's almost Christmas time, Kouzou. The time when bliss seems to seep from the very air, and when brotherly acts don't feel so…flamboyant…"

Fuyutsuki shifted nervously in his chair, "Well, sir, all of the angels have been eradicated; why not give the employees a Christmas vacation?"

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Katsuragi/Ikari/Soryu residence, 10:15 PM

Major Misato Katsuragi sat upright from her position on the couch and wiped the beer foam from her lips. It feels like something stupid is about to happen… she thought to herself.

Suddenly the shrill warble of the telephone filled the air. Misato looked at the phone, and, out of sheer laziness, called for her charges. "Shinji? Asuka? Could one of you get that?"

The sound of hustled footsteps became audible as Shinji turned the corner into the living room. Spying Misato mere inches from the phone, he let out a sigh.

"Pathetic…" Shinji remarked under his breath whilst picking up the receiver. "Hello? Katsuragi residence."

A pause. Chills ran down Shinji's spine as the cold, baritone voice of his father came to his ears. After several seconds, Shinji put the phone down. "That was the commander. He wants us to report to headquarters."

Misato gave him a quizzical look, "Now? It's Sunday. We always get the day off on Sunday!"

"I know, but he said it is of utter importance that we arrive at NERV within the hour. We are to bring with us clothing and supplies for a week, as well as any personal luxuries that we may miss."

"Has he gone mad?" Misato wondered.

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Misato's car, 10:48 PM

There was a fire in the car. And by that I mean Asuka was pissed…

"Du Vollidiot! Ich kann nicht glauben, dass ich zusammen mit diesem Trottel gehen wuerde!" Asuka bellowed at Shinji. Misato, being fluent in German, spun around."Asuka! You keep quiet or I'll oder ich lasse dich nie wieder mit Kaji ausgehen!"

Needless to say, that shut Asuka up pretty quick.

"Um, Misato?" Shinji nervously spoke up.

"What is it?" Misato looked at him.

"Maybe you should keep your eyes on the road…"

"Huh?" Misato looked ahead and slammed on the breaks "Oh crap…"she said, looking into her rear-view mirror. She had just driven off the road, through 2 picnics, a retirement party, over a blind couple, a funeral, and through the Japanese Endangered Wildlife Refuge, flattening two Siberian tigers.

"Oopsie" she giggled nervously and backed her car off of the lemonade stand she had parked on.

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Central Dogma, 10:57

Fuyutsuki looked over the group of confused individuals before them. Among the group were Shinji, Asuka, Toji, Kensuke, Hikari, Misato, Kaji, Ritsuko, Maya, Makoto, and Shigeru.

"This isn't what I had in mind, Ikari…" Fuyutsuki commented.

"Quiet, you! I know best! That's why I'm the commander!"

"No, you're the commander because Chairman Keel was drunk as an Irishman the night we picked jobs, and you took advantage of him!"

Flashback

2010: SEELE Headquarters

"Gentlemen, please! Can we have some order?!" Fuyutsuki looked over the group of drunken Germans while Gendo continued to hand out drinks.

"Ikari's the man!" One SEELE member cheered.

"So, my friends, who do you want as the commander?" Gendo exclaimed, "Boring, old, Fuyutsuki, or the man who knows how to par-TAY?!"

"Gendo! Gendo! Gendo!" They all began to chant in unison.

Fuyutsuki leaned over to Keel and pleaded, "Please, Lorenz, you've got to listen to reason!"

Keel put his hand in the middle of Fuyutsuki's face and pushed him backwards, then grabbed Gendo by the collar and pulled him close, mumbling "YoU'rE a PuRdY gIrL!"

End Flashback

"I told you never to speak of that!" Gendo cursed.

"Would somebody mind telling me what the HELL we're doing here?!" Asuka demanded.

Gendo and Fuyutsuki looked at her, and, deciding it was probably best not to aggravate the girl, Gendo began his speech.

"Greetings, everyone. As you are all well aware of, Christmas is in six days. In the spirit of the holiday, I have rented a large cabin near the summit of Mt. Asama. You shall all be accompanying me at the said cabin for the six days remaining until Christmas. Any objections will result in the immediate deduction of your Christmas bonus."

"WHAT!?" Asuka screamed, cracking Kensuke's glasses. "It's bad enough that I have to spend any of my time with these two morons," Shinji and Misato leered at her, "but to have to spend a week with the rest of you just makes me want to punch Toji in the kidneys!"

"Hey!"

"Asuka's right, commander. What in God's name are you thinking?" Ritsuko accused.

Every one around him began nodding in agreement with Ritsuko.

Gendo smirked. "Assuming that the majority of you would object, I took special measures to ensure a safe and efficient transportation to Mt. Asama. Take 'em away, Rei!"

The roof of the building was suddenly hoisted off the walls, and a large blue hand reached down and scooped up the room's occupants. The prototype EVA Unit 00 then proceeded to dump the handful of individuals into a black Volkswagen bus with the NERV logo painted in red on the side. Gendo leapt into the drivers seat and, turning the key, pulled the vehicle up next to the EVA's crouched form. The white hub of the entry-plug popped out of the spine and out climbed a tiny blue haired figure that slid gracefully down the unit's arm and climbed into the bus.

"Good work, Rei" the commander said to the girl, who gave him no response but a slight nod.

On the road to Mt.Asama, 11:42 AM

"C'mon, guys, lets try to make the best of this!" Shinji smiled as he tried to lighten things up a bit. The rest of the occupants looked at him as a lion looks upon a baby antelope. He quickly shot his eyes to the floor.

"No, Shinji's right. Think of it as a vacation. We get to spend a week in at a mountain resort, relax, kick up our feet, and still get paid for it!" Misato reasoned.

"Yeah, and because it's near the summit, we can have a real white Christmas!" Kensuke added. The mood seemed to brighten up a bit.

Chills ran down everyone's spine as Gendo said in a sing-song voice "We're heeeere!" No one was used to Christmas Gendo quite yet. After he unlocked the back door, everyone jumped out and looked excitedly at their mountain resort. The soft sound of eleven jaws hitting the snow covered ground echoed through the mountains. It was the most horrific thing they had ever seen. A close examination revealed a two story cabin of cracked oak and decaying cedar. The windows were insulated with newspaper, the nails were rusted thin, the leaks were plugged with gray human hair, and the sound of bats having sex in the chimney was clearly audible from the streets. A small vein in Asuka's forehead began to take shape.

"Was zur Hoelle!!" She bellowed at the top of her lungs. A faint rumble started to build from the top of the mountain. Everyone turned around in time to see their bus crushed by a large pile of snow. Asuka's vein popped, and before anyone could blink, Toji was on the ground with a bruised kidney.

Well, thats the first of seven chapters I will be forcing you to read. Ok, maybe asking. Or begging... or paying... Anyway! I hope you enjoy the show from here on out. If you know any German, I reccomend you translate some of Asuka's curses. altough, I think they pretty much speak for themselves... Constructive criticism is welcome, as always, and I wouldn't mind having a pre-reader, either. If your interested in becoming a pre-reader, just say so in your review. Ok, so, the next chapter won't take too long to arrive, so until then!