All That You Can't Leave Behind
By
Elizabeth A. Johnson
Title: All That You Can't Leave Behind
Author: Elizabeth A. Johnson
Email: thedancinggypsy@netscape.net
Category: J/A shippyness, nothing more. J
Spoilers: S1, S2, but only a few eps from each.
Season/Sequal: Set after "Won't Get Fooled Again"
Content Warnings: male/female relationship, but not one naughty thing! I promise.
Summary: John thinks about his life, and about Aeryn.
Status: Complete, for now. The first part of a larger story, maybe.
Disclaimer: FarScape and every single character in this story do not belong to me. They belong to people bunches cooler than I. So please don't sue me, I don't even own my wedding dress yet.
Author's Notes: My very first fic! Please review and comment on it! I need critiques. No flames, but I will not bitch about constructive criticism.
Acknowledgements: Thanks SO very much to my faithful beta readers: LittleMissSunshine, Lilolme, Cealliag, and Drayke. Thanks for the encouragement! You guys rock!!!!!!!!
John was standing on Moya's terrace, looking out at the stars, deep in thought. Life had almost been peaceful lately, and he treasured quiet times such as these. The terrace was so beautiful; the view he was granted was one of rivers of light and color, uncomplicated in their grace and perfection. John sighed, thinking back to when he was a child. He remembered the times when he would stare at the night sky, dreaming of adventure and excitement. He and D.K. would stay up late talking about fame, escapades, and grand quests that involved saving the universe. They met aliens, spread peace throughout the galaxy, and got into the occasional epic space battle with the evil villain. Of course, they always saved the day, they always got the girl, and when they got back to Earth, they were honored beyond their wildest dreams. Well, the wildest dreams two 10-year-old boys could have, anyway. He used to look back upon these remembrances with fondness; now they served only to remind him of what he had lost. They also fueled his anger. Foolish dreams, he raged. Why was I so dammed eager to explore, to discover? At the present the only thing he wanted was to get home and to be left alone. Most importantly left alone, he thought. All I want is some damn peace. One frelling day without someone trying to kill me, hurt me, dismember me, steal my memories…He longed to go back in time so that he could tell his younger, more naïve self that he should never, ever take anything for granted. He would warn himself that he shouldn't build FarScape 1, that he should propose to Alex, and that he should do things like have kids, get a beer gut, and be happy.
Happiness. Now that was a feeling he hadn't had in awhile. John sighed, knowing the pity party he was currently throwing for himself wasn't helping him any, but in all honestly he thought he deserved it. The sudden quiet was forcing him to think, rather than react, and he was experiencing waves of bitterness, anger, loneliness, and sadness. He was conscious of the fact that he had had these emotions boiling within him for a while now, but had only now decided to dwell on them.
His thoughts had turned decidedly dark. Go back in time and prevent myself from ever doing the FarScape project. Save myself from torture, beatings, having to kill, and, at times, being killed. I could still be innocent, could still wonder at new things………He pounded his fist against Moya's hull in frustration. When had he grown so cold, so deadly? As much as he hated to admit it, his "mother" had been right. He had changed. John knew that it had been only in response to the trials he had been forced to endure, but he had known people who had been through worse and had remained the same. So why couldn't he?
He gave himself a mental shake. I've got to think positive. I know there are good things out here. There have been good days. Damned if I know what they are right now, but… John thought about the friendships he had formed with the "people" on Moya. He knew that, without a doubt, he would die for any one of them. Well, maybe not Rygel, but even he had his moments, even if they were few and far between. He had met aliens, been on a living ship, visited other planets; the list went on and on. His knowledge of the universe had tripled, and he had done things that other humans only dreamed or made movies about. But was it worth it? Was it worth the hours of lost sleep due to nightmares that he couldn't recall when he awoke, drenched in sweat, and filled with terror? Was it worth the constant state of alertness he was forced to maintain due to the threat of Peacekeepers, Scorpius, or bounty hunters? If he could go back in time, even considering all the positive experiences, would he still tell himself not to do it? John truthfully didn't know.
Just as he felt himself start to slip into his depression again, Aeryn's faced popped into his mind's eye. Aeryn. Now there is a woman poets write epics about. He laughed, and thought about penning something along the lines of "The Ballard of Aeryn Sun." But, he knew that she might get her hands on it, and then she'd kill him, and that would kind of put a damper on his whole day. Getting on Aeryn's bad side was something he avoided at all costs. It wasn't just the knowledge that she could easily kill him with her bare hands that scared him away from this, but the very startling realization that he was falling very deeply in love with her. He supposed that it had occurred to him when she was telling him about Velorek and her relationship with him. The rush of jealousy and longing that John had felt had thrown him. He was aware that he had feelings for her, but didn't know their depth until he was holding a sobbing, broken Aeryn Sun in his arms and then listening to her tell a tale of love for another man. Their conversation after the incident with Pilot was over only served to confuse him more. 'And you say you think you loved this man?' But she hadn't answered him; hadn't given him anything but an enigmatic look, and then had walked away. So many questions were left unanswered. So many questions were left begging to be asked.
His silent musings were interrupted by soft footfalls on the floor of the terrace, and John intuitively knew that it was Aeryn. The former peacekeeper seemed to have an innate sense of when the "human" was in one of his "moods". He turned towards her with a smile on his face, and was rewarded with a small one in return. He felt light headed for a brief moment. God, but her smile could make me fly. His smile widened.
"Hiya, Sunshine. What's going on?"
"Nothing is 'going on' as you say. I came to call you for dinner. You aren't answering your comm."
"Oh, I know. I turned it off. I figured if it was something too important Pilot would find me, one of you would come running for me, or I would feel explosions," He grinned, hoping she wasn't overly angry. "It's not like I can go for a walk outside of Moya and get lost or anything."
He had no such luck. "Crichton, you know that we have to be able to get in contact with you at all times! What if a Peacekeeper vessel was approaching? What if…"
He cut her off mid-sentence. "Look, Aeryn, I'm sorry. I just…I had to get away for a while and think. I needed to be by myself." He suddenly looked miserable. "I just had to think."
Her features softened, and she moved slightly closer to him. "What were you thinking about?"
His face grew harsh for a second, but then collapsed as he blew out a sigh. "Do you really want to know?"
"You are feeling bad and need to talk. I am here to listen." Her voice became more insistent, more pleading. "John, I am your friend. Talk to me. What's wrong?"
The use of his first name was not lost on him. If she really wanted to know………
He straightened his shoulders, took a deep breath and plunged in. "Aeryn, it's like I told D'Argo once. Ever since I got here, I've been shot at, beaten up, tortured, had my mind frelled with repeatedly –twice it almost killed me-, and I'm wanted by a sadistic bastard who has a leather fetish! I'm tired, angry, scared, lonely, and, more than anything, I want to go home, have some Kentucky Fried Chicken, and be left in peace!" He gave a strangled moan and then spun to face the stars once more. He was still for a few moments and then spoke again, his voice laced with bitterness.
"Ever since I was a child I've wanted to be out in space. It was my dream, my life's work. I used to sit up nights just imagining all the adventures I would have if I ever made it out there. And now look at me. I'm used up. Old." He paused, gathering his thoughts. "I was a scientist! I'd never had combat training, never shot a gun at someone. In the two years since coming here, I've killed people! Do you know what that's done to me inside? I feel like I've died!" His face contorted with pain. "I always talk about going home, but ya know, I'm not even sure if I can anymore. What would my father and D.K. think of me? I sit up nights wondering if I would be able to carry on conversations with anyone on Earth after all I've been through. Or, would I look at them like you looked at me when I arrived? I just don't know who I am anymore." His voice choked at the end and Aeryn wondered if he was crying.
Her heart broke as she studied his profile. When she had first met this man, he had been, in her opinion, pathetic. Then everything she had ever known had changed, and with it, she had changed as well. Now when she looked at him, she saw wisdom and diplomacy mixed with a quiet strength and courage. She was aware the things he'd faced since being captured on the Gammak Base had not been easy; he'd never told her about it, but the haunted look in his eyes spoke volumes. Oh John, why did we let it get this bad? I should have done something earlier…It was just never convenient. 'No', her mind told her, 'you were too busy running away. Too busy feeling sorry for yourself and hiding from your own feelings. Now you've both paid the price.' She took a deep breath and put a gentle hand on his shoulder. Feeling him start, she spoke, making her voice as comforting as possible. "John, this is an unforgiving environment in which we live. If you had not changed, had not adapted, you would most likely be dead. You know that. The things that you've had to do, even though you haven't wanted to do them, have been necessary- in one way or another- to save lives. Most of the time your own! How can you possibly hate yourself for that? How is it that you can be so forgiving, so compassionate, with every species that we come across yet you refuse to show yourself the same leniency? Look at me. You trusted in me when no one else would. Even more than that, you believed in me. I have changed because of you."
She was silent for a moment, and when she spoke again, her voice was broken and rough. "John, You're the one who's good at making people feel better. You're the one who always know what to say and how to say it. I'm not very good at this; I don't know what to say. But please just know that even if I'm not saying what you need to hear, I am here for you, whenever you need me."
She let out the breath she didn't realize she was holding then took her hand off John's shoulder. She waited for him to say something-anything- that would tell her that she had helped him; that he was going to be all right. John, please, tell me it's going to be all right. Tell me that we're going to be all right. I don't know what I'd do if you told me we were broken forever. There is a way to fix 'us'. "John, please, say something. Tell me to go away even. I—"
He turned around, stopping her mid-sentence. "Aeryn, I know that I haven't been very 'steady' lately and I'm the one who's to blame for not telling anyone why. I've been feeling like this for a very long time, and I was so entirely sure that I could handle it by myself. I was sure I was strong enough and that I didn't need anyone. I should have told you, but there was always some crisis, some danger that's prevented me." He gave a short laugh. " And now look at me. I'm making excuses for my own insanity."
She bristled at this. "John, you are not insane! I've seen soldiers on the battlefield go through this. In fact, I would be amazed if you weren't experiencing some kind of reaction. You have been tortured. Repeatedly. You can't fix it by pretending it doesn't exist or hoping it'll go away. You must confront your demons and fight them."
"Fight them?!" He backed away from her with a haunted expression in his eyes. "Aeryn, do you know what I see when I close my eyes at night? My dreams send me back to the chair! Aeryn, I can see him when I close my eyes. I don't know if I can fight this anymore. I don't have anything left." A shudder ran through him, and he closed his eyes for a moment, gathering courage to say what he was going to say next. It hurt to admit things like this, even to her. "I'm terrified that if Scorpius catches me again, I'm going to give him everything he wants, just so he'll leave me alone…I just can't fight it anymore…" John's voice broke as tears threatened to overwhelm him again. He looked away from her, but she put her hand under his chin and forced him to meet her gaze. The remorse, grief, and desperation her eyes held nearly killed him. He held her gaze for an endless moment, and then started to turn away, believing there was nothing else to be said. Great. She probably thinks I've totally lost it. Ready for the funny farm, a few tacos shorts of a – His thoughts were cut short as he felt himself being grabbed and pulled into a …hug?
Aeryn held him tight, whispering soothing words of comfort into his ear. He could smell her hair-she had scented it again, smell her skin, and feel the rise and fall of her chest. A thought occurred to him: I feel safe. Right here, right now, I feel safe. Then his resolve collapsed, and he began to sob, his chest heaving, trembling like a child in her arms. But Aeryn didn't let go; if anything, she held him tighter.
"Aeryn, I…" He found himself unable to speak or form complete thoughts. It was if the past few year and all of the horrific experiences were being drained out of him. The desperation and hopelessness were dissolving and being replaced with emotions he couldn't put a name to yet. He drew a deep, shaky breath and then slowly pulled away from her, dropping his gaze to the floor. "Thanks. Y-you didn't have to do that. I know that comforting a crying, depressed shipmate isn't your idea of a good time." He said it again. "Thank you."
Aeryn gave him one final squeeze before she pulled away as well. "I'm just returning the favor. You did this for me once, remember?" She winced slightly at the recollection; having to relieve those events in front of everyone was not one of her favorite memories. And yet… John had been there, had held her, and had told her everything was going to be better. He had given freely of himself to her numerous times, without any thought of himself, yet she had always run away; though whether it was from fear or from doubt she didn't know. I'm so good at hiding my true feeling and keeping everyone at arms length that I'm going to lose one of the only men I've ever loved. I have to tell him; he needs to hear it and I need to say it. Some small part of her that was still Peacekeeper rebelled; she silenced the voice savagely.
She took a deep breath and plunged in. "John, when you told me 'you can be more' it shook my beliefs about everything. I hated you for that, but then I began to understand that everything I had to leave behind wasn't worth a damn. I didn't lose a frelling thing when I chose to go with you and the others. I have become more that I ever imagined I could and it's all because a lower life form from another galaxy had the nerve to stand up to a cold, hard peacekeeper and show her what was really in her heart! You think you've lost things? Look at what you have right in front of you!" She went for the kill. "I frelling love you, John Crichton, and I refuse to lose you like this!" A stunned silence fell over the room.
John just stood there, absolutely still, his mouth hanging open; the look on his face stuck somewhere between astonishment and euphoric delight. He tried to speak, tried to form words, but found he was quite unable. Holy sh…did she just say she loved me?! I have to speak…why can't I speak? His brain tried to help him. That's right Johnny-boy; you can do this. Open mouth, form words. Speak, you idiot! "Aeryn…um… you said you loved me?" His mind failed him again, and he cursed his brain for abandoning him at such a crucial moment. Damn him! She's gonna kick my ass…
Aeryn suddenly broke into melodious laughter, the sound echoing magically throughout the terrace. "The human is lost for words, eh?" The grin on her face turned wicked as she pressed her body against his. "Didn't anyone ever tell you that sometimes words are entirely unnecessary?" She snaked her arms around his neck and gazed into his once-again tear filled eyes. This time she saw happiness, relief, and more importantly, peace.
"Aeryn…"
He doesn't get it yet, does he? "I thought I told you not to speak." She put her lips to his, preventing any more words from forming; and, as their kiss became deeper and more passionate, they both stopped thinking, too.
Moya's terrace was mostly silent for a very long time.