Disclaimer: Disclaimer: I don't own them, they belong to Janet Evanovich, and I will return them…
Summary: Just a short one-shot, song-fic to Ryan Cabrera's song On The Way Down. Babe fic.
I was in the middle of writing chapter 2 of Past Transgressions when this song played on the radio. As I was already thinking about Ranger and Steph the plot bunny just jumped into my head and wouldn't go away. This Steph is pretty much the opposite of the Steph in PT.
Sick and tired of this world
There's no more air
Trippin' over myself
Goin' nowhere
Waiting, Suffocating, No direction
I took a dive
As I looked at the gun in my hand and the bullet graze in my shoulder something in me snapped. I had let myself be shot. If I had loaded my gun I could have shot them first. If I hadn't tried going after him alone, it would have never happened. If I would have cared a little more, I would have tried to move. But I didn't. Care, that is. I was the screw-up, the town joke, the story you told over dinner, or the person who needed to be saved, and I was suffocating because of it. So I didn't move, I let the bullet hit me thinking that maybe it would just all stop.
I couldn't let that happen again, I didn't want to die! I may put myself in dangerous positions occasionally, but I didn't want to die. The fact that I had even conciderd suicide by pissed off FTA scared me to death. And now I wasn't just a joke, I was a psycho who occasionally might want to die and a joke. I needed to get out of Trenton and do something, anything, as long as it was far away from here. I had no reason to stay anyway, Joe wanted to much of a relationship, Ranger wanted to little of a relationship, my mother hated my job and thought I was an embarrassment, and Grandma, well she was just, Grandma.
And on the way down
I saw you
And you saved me
From myself
And I won't forget
The way you loved me
On the way down
Almost fell right through
But I held onto you
I looked at the now empty house of my skip, and then headed for my car. I didn't bother to look around and see if I could catch him, he was long gone, and I didn't care. I also wasn't going to the hospital, the graze wasn't that bad. I could put alcohol and gauze on it at home, and use left-over pain-killers from the last time I was shot. I needed Stephanie time to be alone and pack and leave. I headed to my apartment, and groaned when I saw Rangers Porsche in the lot. I thought about leaving and coming back later, but ended up heading for my apartment anyway. I unlocked the door to find Ranger lounging on my couch. He took one glance at my shoulder, and headed for the bathroom, probably for the first aid kit.
"Babe," He said, as he entered the room and led me to the couch, "Are you ok?"
"I'm Fine. All I need is a band-aid." I let him touch up my shoulder as he questioned me about my day.
"The reason I came was that I had a job, but if you're not up to it that's fine."
"I actually can't," I said, watching the surprise flicker through his eyes, I had never turned hi down. "I'm leaving first thing in the morning."
"Babe?"
"I don't know Ranger, I just need to go, get out of here." There was no way I was telling him why I was leaving. I didn't want to admit to myself that I needed help, let alone bat-man.
"You can't just up and leave, you can't just…"
"Why not, Ranger? Give me one good reason why I should stay here!"
"I love you."
I've been wondering why
It's only me
Have you always been inside
Waiting to breathe
It's alright, Sunlight, On my face
I wake up and yeah, I'm alive
"You love me? You sleep with me and walk away, you kiss me and say you won't do a relationship, you say you love me and then you classify it. Love can't be classified, you either love me or you don't, and you don't act like you do. You've never hesitated to inform me that I'm entertainment, that I'm good for amusing your men. You come around when you want me to do a job, and you help me out so you can keep getting your kiss and grope in the alley way, and you love me?"
Maybe I was being a little harsh, but he was catching me on the edge of a nervous breakdown, but most of what I was saying. Most of it. I was pretty sure he'd still help me even if I didn't let him kiss me.
"Babe, oh babe," he ran his hands through his hair, "I know I've made a lot of mistakes, and said some things I regret, but don't for one second doubt that I love you." The emotion in his eyes was one I had never seen before. I wanted to fall into his arms, I wanted to believe him, but I didn't. I had been burnt one too many times.
"I don't believe you," I said, barely more than a whisper, and he looked at me sadly.
"I do love you Stephanie. I started falling in love with you a long time ago, but do you know when I first realized it? When I went FTA and you called me. You didn't ask if I had done it, you just asked if I was ok, you trusted me. Do you know how long it's been since someone other than one of my men trusted me. It killed me to walk away from you that morning, but I honestly thought I was doing what was right for you." I closed my eyes, and tried to keep my tears from leaking out, it didn't work, and the next thing I knew Ranger was kissing my tears away.
'cause on the way down
I saw you
And you saved me
From myself
And I won't forget
The way you loved me
On the way down
Almost fell right through
But I held onto you
I tensed for a minute, but then relaxed into his arms. My head was screaming at me, telling me not to trust him, that he just wanted to sleep with me again, but my heart knew better. I trusted Ranger with my life, but could I trust him with my heart? There was only one way to find out, and if I was wrong, it would hurt in the morning.
I turned my head a little bit and kissed him, and I felt him tense for a split second. It wasn't an 'I don't want you kissing me' tense, more of an 'I don't believe you're kissing me' tense. His arms moved down to my lower back and he kissed me back softer than I could ever remember him being.
"Make love to me?" I asked, but I knew he would comply. He silently guided me into the bedroom and I smiled, hoping that I really could trust him with my heart.
I was so afraid
Of going under, But now,
The weight of the world
Feels like nothing, no, nothing
I woke up to Rangers cell phone ringing, and I tensed when he grabbed it, expecting him to say he had to leave. I'm not sure if I could have handled him leaving. I kept my eyes on him as he answered the phone and listened to what the caller was saying.
"No, call Tank, have him handle it. I'm off-line until further notice. The only reason my phone should ring if our government contact shows up and threatens to shoot your ass if you don't call me." He hung up without waiting for a response, put his phone down and moved his hand to cup my cheek. I still mean it babe, I love you."
And for the first time, I thought it would be ok. I could stay here and still work my problems out. I could get training from Ranger and I wouldn't be a joke. Maybe if I didn't screw-up so much, my mom wouldn't hate my job anymore. And if Ranger was willing to meet me half-way than Joe's need to be married and have kids wouldn't be an issue anymore. Grandma Mazur would still be Grandma, but I do love her. It would all work out, eventually, it would be ok.
"I love you too."