What Love's About
The afternoon was gray and dreary like it had been everyday since she returned from Taipei. As Syd sat on the window seat in her bedroom, wrapped up in a blanket that she'd had since she was a child, she stared out the window into the driving rain. She was so cold but didn't feel it, she hadn't felt a thing since that door slammed shut. Not her father's pain as he watched her spiral downward, not her friend's frustration when trying to get through to her, and not Sloane's anger because she hadn't returned to work since that mission, three months ago. She gave these things a passing thought as a new song came on the radio that Francie had left on before she went to work.
If you, get out in the driving rain
Stand in the eye of a hurricane
And never think twice.
If you, turn your back on selfishness
And your thoughts are for someone else
Because they changed your life.
Syd was barely registering what the words were trying to convey but one thought came to mind as she heard the last line.
'Vaughn' she said with a sob, resting her head against the window pane.
She painfully relived how she had changed his life, what she had done to her best friend. His thoughts were always for someone else, not himself.
She pounded her fist on the window and thought,
Why couldn't you have been selfish for once, just once?
When she came home, her father, Devlin, and Weiss had told her it wasn't her fault. Vaughn knew what he was getting into and that didn't matter to him, she did. These words were meant to soothe her but underneath all they did was irritate an already gaping wound.
She wanted to scream at them all,
Why did I matter to him so much, why would he risk his life like this...for me?
Deep down in her heart she knew the answer to these questions, when she realized this she stopped asking them.
When your heart,
Insists that you give it all.
When you no longer feel the fall
And you just let go.
When the past,
Is finally dead and gone.
Fate leads you somewhere to go on,
That has your soul.
They were very similar creatures, never able to say no; They both deserved to say no at least once in their miserable lives. He should have said no to the ideas swirling in his head that day, the day he gave up his life for her. He gave his whole heart in everything he did, even those damn meetings with her. His friends, family, co-workers, everyone got a piece of that heart, including her, the daughter of the one person who ruined his life. He didn't let that matter, he didn't dwell, he didn't blame, unlike her.
He let it all go.
He let life carry on and life carried us along with it.
He had her soul, he deserved it. He deserved anything that she could give him and much more.
No part of you questions,
No part of you doubts.
You're only sure this is what love's about.
Nothing and no one can stand in your way,
Or keep you from saying what your heart is dying to say.
He always found a way to make whatever she asked a possibility, Italy and France prime examples. He never doubted her abilities or judgment, he just came along for the ride. Vaughn told her after the mission to Italy, that working with her in the field gave him a immense sense calm, she made this horrible job look easy. That night in the warehouse so many things were said that shouldn't have been....
That's how you know it's love.
That's how you know it's meant to be.
When the span of forever
Just never seems long enough,
That's how you know it's love...
Staring out at the rain, she realized what the song was saying and what she was trying not to admit.
He loved her. She knew this, she had always known this.
He would have done anything for her and no one could have stopped him.
It was at this moment that reality slapped her in the face,
She loved him. She knew this, she had always known this.
She would have done anything for him and no one could have stopped her.
A sharp pain radiated through her heart and she prayed for a miracle. They had never found a body and she wouldn't accept that he was gone until they did. Tears cascading down her face she thought,
I want him back.
That day, admitting what she knew all along, Sydney Bristow began to feel again.