***Author's note: I wasn't going to post this. I know I had said I'd never write anything horribly painful for my reviewers, but well, that was before things went all weird with me. So, well here's the story, I hope you like it. Please review and no bashing please, I'm already in a bad enough mood.
FYI: I don't own Inuyasha. I just got the DVDs for Christmas.
I Never Told You
How could you? How could you go, disappear forever? How could you just leave me here? How could you give up? How dare you? Did you think I'd live without you? Well, I can 't.
Why did you leave? Why did you give up? I know that's not like you. I know you. You know I do. You never like to show weakness. Never like to show anything that made you look vulnerable.
But that's gone now, isn't it? Just like you are.
Your eyes are gone, your hands, you are gone. You're not here anymore! You're not next to me anymore! How am I supposed to live?!
Did you honestly believe I'd be better off without you? Did you honestly think I could survive this pain now that you're gone!? It's like you took part of me with you! You left and took my heart with you and all there's left is a big, deep, gashing, bleeding hole in its place.
It's funny how my heart's gone but I still feel pain. Where is the numbness I've always read about in the books?
You left and I never got to tell you. I never got to tell you why I call your name during battles. I never got to tell you why I always addressed your wounds. Why I brushed my fingers across your back, stomach, chest, or arms whenever I am cleaning them. Why I kissed you at the castle. Why I've stayed by you through so much. Well, if you must know, which you don't because you gave up, well, here it goes.
"I love you," I whispered, and I can feel the pain threaten to rip me apart and my tears are running down my face. I can almost see you sneer at me.
"Heh. Like I care, you're just my jewel shard detector," you'd say. Which I know, oh, so much.
How could you just die and leave me here all alone!? How dare you? Damn you, how dare you! At least if I died first you wouldn't care! I wouldn't be in pain right now! But of course, you wouldn't let me die first, would you? How did you think I could live with out you? How?
"How could you?" I yell aloud to the empty room. God, its so empty without you!
I have to think about you as present, I wouldn't be able to say anything about you as past, because... it hurts. It hurts more than you can imagine. Because you aren't here to tell me anything.
And suddenly, I can feel you with me. If feels as if you're right next to me, and I feel cold air touch my cheek and, oh god, I just know it's you.
My tear filled eyes widened and my hand flew to my cheek, and I felt the cold air there.
"I-Inu.... yasha?" I just barely choked out. Then I felt more cold air around me.
More tears formed and I knew that if I opened my mouth again I'll cry.
I miss you, Inuyasha! You haunt me, I think about you all the time. I miss our fights, because even when we fought, you were still here and you always came back to get me! I miss you!
And the tears are falling again. Because I miss you, because I feel you, because I know it's my fault that you're gone.
You're gone, and it's all my fault.
I called your name in the last fight with Naraku. He had plunged one of his legs through you, just as you hit him once. I called your name and you turned to see if I was alright and Naraku drove another leg through you, hitting horribly close to you heart, hitting it just barely and you hit him with the Windscar the last time, ending him. Then you collapsed, bleeding, you said my name and then......
My bottom lip quivered. I couldn't, wouldn't, remember that day. Because it was my fault. If I never called your name, you wouldn't be gone.
"It's my fault," I whispered, tears still staining my face.
And I almost heard your voice say, "No, it wasn't. I chose to die protecting you."
It was faint. Barely audible. And that I know is true. I know you love me, Inuyasha, and I'm sure you know I love you.
I know I have to move on sometime, because you would want me too. But I can't let go just yet. I can't ever let go of you. I won't ever fall in love again. Because all it's ever been was you, Inuyasha.
And I'm ashamed I never told you. But I thought I'd have more time. I thought I'd have the rest of my life to tell you. It's a funny thing, fate, isn't it? It's twisted sometimes. I broke the jewel too, so this is my punishment, I guess. But what did you ever do to deserve this?
I know you are imperfect, you can be selfish and rude, but have you really done anything so horrible to pay for it with your life?
You just gave up. You left me here all alone. And I never told you.
I can't forget the day it happened. It's forever burned into my memory, but that could be due to the fact I keep remembering it.
After I cleaned your wounds, telling myself that you were just sleeping, it was so horrible. You were covered in blood. And I was crying and Shippo was crying and they were shaking, but they wouldn't cry, because they wanted to be strong for me. Kirara was comforting Shippo, who was crying your name and acting like he just lost his father again.
Sango tried comforting me, she told me it would be okay, which I know is a lie because it won't ever be okay.
Miroku told me we had to start back to the village, Kaede's village, and take you with us because we'd have a.... a....
But I don't move as I'm hugging you and feeling the heat leave you. And I couldn't let go. Because it'd mean you're gone.
Sango tried to get me to stand and I pushed her away, with tears streaking my face, screaming at everyone to leave me alone.
And they all look at me with tears in their eyes, as they nod and leave me with you.
I was sobbing into your shoulder and I just wished you'd open your eyes and tell me that I shouldn't be sad over you.
I looked up at your face and saw that it was pale already, almost a gray color and your beautiful silver hair had lost its shine and your eyes are closed.
And I sobbed harder into your shoulder, holding onto you because it seems like you'll be lost forever.
As I cried I felt you. I felt that you were there, like I felt that you were here now, but without the cold air around me. I felt your presence, Inuyasha!
And that was when I realized I never told you.
And I never would, because you aren't here! And I'll never talk to you again.
I pulled myself out of the memory, because it hurts so much. Because it's my fault and I'll never forgive myself.
I can't go back now, and see them look at me with pity, and see Shippo because he's almost upset as I am.
And I don't want to go to it, Inuyasha. I can't. Going to it would be like saying goodbye for the last time. I don't want to watch them... burn you.
I'll kill me.
When Sango and Miroku came back to get me, with you, they were alarmed, because not only was I sobbing and soaked through, I was mumbling, they said. They said I was mumbling your name and saying I'm sorry. They said the way my voice sounded was unbearable, like I was choking, moaning it out in pain.
It was raining, you know, after you left. And I was curled up on you, they said. They said that was the way they found me.
They had to take you back to the village. They tried pulling me away from you.
"Kagome," Sango had said. "You have to let go of him." She tried hiding her pain, but her voice broke at the end.
But I didn't let go. So they put me with you on Kirara, flying back to the village. And I had fallen asleep still holding you.
When I woke up you weren't there anymore. I didn't see you in the hut at all.
"Where is he?" I had exclaimed. Sango and Miroku slowly approached me. "What did you do with him!?"
"Kagome," Sango said slowly. She slowly walked over to me, hands up as if she was approaching an injured, frightened animal. "We had to get him ready to..."
She didn't say anymore, as if she knew the words would send me over the edge I was standing on. And they would.
I pulled myself back to the present. Literally, and not just metaphorically.
How did I get here, you ask? Well, that's another part that happened after I woke up. After they took you from me.
I had run out of the hut after Sango had told me that. I went looking for you, Inuyasha. And I found you on a table outside in the main part of the village.
And I was still crying and I had lost you. And it was my fault.
I crawled up next to you on the table. I was sobbing again and this time I heard myself mumbling.
"Inuyasha, I'm so sorry," I was moaning out in sobs, sounding half choked. "I'm so sorry.... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry. It's my fault."
And they found me again. And they tried pulling me away from you. But I wouldn't let them.
Eventually, they pulled me away from you, with me literally thrashing, kicking, and screaming. And after they had me back from you and had stopped my screaming and thrashing, they let go of me. And I ran to the well.
And here I am, in my room, in the present. Crying my eyes out, blaming myself and remembering that I never told you. That you died not knowing that I loved you, but seemed to know on some level of your being. Just like I knew you loved me.
And I feel like I'm going to break down again. And again, I wonder where the numbness is, or if it's ever going to come, because feeling nothing has got to be better than this, isn't it?
Of course it is. That's why you always wore a mask. You used to keep your facial expressions in check during some moments. But your eyes always gave something away.
Do my eyes show my emotions too? I know I never hid my emotions, but can you tell now? Does everyone see how much I'm suffering? Did you like feeling numb?
But of course you weren't numb all the way through. Looks aren't always what they seem, Inuyasha. I could tell. You felt pain, even though you held your mask in place. Like I said before, your eyes always gave you away. You seemed to be unaffected by the names, the disgust, but I knew it hurt you. The way your ears would twitch. You heard the words. You cared.
Like I cared. I hated when people would say that to you. It's not about blood, it's about personality. And your personality was amazing.
Especially when you were being nice and caring. When you let little things slip up. And when you blushed. I loved when you blushed. You rarely did, and that's what made it so cute. It showed that you did have more emotions than you showed.
God, I miss you, Inuyasha! I wish you were here! I wish I told you! I wish I had more time with you!
Tears spilled down my face again. I whipped them away with the back of my hand.
I never told you, Inuyasha! Do you regret it too? I wish so much! I wish I told you before this!
But would that make it better or worse? Would I be more upset if you knew? Would you have fought harder to live if you knew? God, why did you have to die!? Why won't the numbness consume me?
My lower lip trembled as more tears spilled. I couldn't take this pain anymore! Death would be better! Why couldn't Naraku kill me too!?
But, again, I knew you wouldn't let him. You'd fight until he was dead, then you'd die. Just like you did. But it wasn't protecting me.
Naraku didn't try killing me. You died because of me. It was my fault, just like it was every other time you got badly injured.
And it was my fault I never told you.
I never told you.
And I never will.
If I go back, could I handle it? The jewel was complete, but could I live on without you? God, if this was how life was going to be without you, I don't want to live anymore!
But I know it's wrong to think that. You'd be so mad at me if I killed myself over you. You said you died protecting me.
"How could you die over me!?" I screamed. "You're such an idiot! I'm not worth anything without you!"
"You're worth everything," I hear you say. It's faint still. I can almost see you standing with your arms crossed, looking down at me.
Are you really with me? Or is it just my subconscious trying to lessen my pain?!
I've seen ghosts before, but is this really you?
And I remember how you died again. And the pain rips me in half and I scream and sob. And before you died you said my name.
You said my name.
Why did you say my name? Were you calling out to me? Did you see me before you died? You said you were protecting me, were you acknowledging that I was alive and safe?
God, I have so many questions! And only you could answer them! And I won't see you anymore!
Maybe I can seal the well and put this behind me.
My tears overflowed again. I couldn't put this behind me. Plus I needed Sango, Miroku, Shippo, and Kirara to get through this. I can't do it alone. They lost you too.
Well, I was going back again.
I climbed out of the well, and looked around. Tears filled my eyes again as I remembered how many moments we had here. The moment you first hugged me, and when I promised to stay with you as long as you'd let me. And when I hugged you after coming back and you saved me from the wolves. This place had so many memories of you.
And as I walked down the familiar dirt path to the village that I've walk more than a thousand times with you, my tears spilled down my face and I sobbed as my bottom lip trembled. And I remembered how I used to 'sit' you along this path sometimes, when you tried to stop me from going home.
And I'm in front of Kaede's hut, outside it, and I'm remembering when I cleaned your wounds in this hut and when you had laid with your back to me when you first had the spell on you. This village had so many memories of you.
I entered the hut with my face tear streaked and still sobbing.
And I feel you with me, and I feel cold air by my ear and I hear you say, "It'll be okay. I'm always here."
And I choke back a sob. And I see Sango and Miroku and Shippo and Kirara.
Shippo is sobbing like me, and Kirara is meowing sadly next to him and Sango has red puffy eyes and is leaning against Miroku who also has red eyes.
And my lower lip trembles and I sob harder.
I walk over to Sango and Miroku and fall to my knees and hug Sango, sobbing into her shoulder and she hugs me back and sobs with me.
Miroku grabbed my hand and I looked up at him and he smiles sadly at me, putting something in my hand. And I cry harder into Sango's shoulder as I realize what it was. It was the locket I gave you before we entered the castle under the lake, the locket you said you didn't want, but hid from me.
You kept it all that time? I sob harder still and Sango is sobbing with me, letting me know how much pain she really is in.
"We found that around his neck, underneath his kimono, while we were cleaning him up," Miroku told me.
And I sobbed harder against Sango holding her close to me as if she'll leave me too. And she's hugging me as tightly as I'm hugging her. And I feel that if I let her go, I'll lose her like I did you, Inuyasha.
And I can't lose her, I'll die more inside, because she's like my sister. She's my best friend, and best friends are the closest people in the world. Other than your soulmate, or the person you love, Inuyasha. And I believe you were my soulmate.
And Sango's my other half, and I already lost my heart with you. If she's gone most of me will be gone.
Shippo and Kirara came over and sat between Sango and me. Shippo sobbed into my stomach and Kirara rubbed her head against Shippo and mewed sadly.
I opened my eyes when I heard a sharp intake of breath and found Miroku silently crying. I took one arm off of Sango and opened it to him and Sango looked at him too and opened her arm too.
He came over to us and hugged both of us tightly and cried into both of our shoulders. And we all cried together, comforting each other. It felt so much better than crying alone.
After a long while that only seemed like minutes, Kaede came into the hut.
"It's time," she said. Her voice broke at the end.
We all looked up at her in tear filled eyes and nodded. We all got up and followed her to where you were.
She stood by your head and started.
"We are gathered here today to acknowledge the death of a very loved and brave hanyou," she smiled at us.
We all held hands. I was holding Sango's hand and holding Shippo to me while clutching the locket in my hand. The whole village was there.
"He died in a battle with the horrible demon, Naraku, killing him with his last breath, as well as protecting the people he loved in the process," Kaede smiled sadly at me. "He wanted his friends to live, and he wouldn't want them to be sad over him forever," Kaede said. "We send him into the next life with all the hopes that one day, in our next life, we'd meet again."
I felt tears fall down my cheeks.
"We now have a few words from his friends, his family," Kaede said.
Miroku stepped forward still holding Sango's hand.
"Inuyasha was rude and ignorant, yes, but he showed that he loved us in his own way. We all met him in our own ways, some bad, some good, and he eventually loved us. He died protecting us, but more importantly, he died protecting Kagome. He wouldn't want anything to happen to her even after he'd died," Miroku said, his voice broke a lot. "Right before he died, he said her name, and that's enough to say that he'd want what's best for her, along with the rest of us. He wouldn't want us to be sad. He'd want us to get on with our lives. I send my wishes to the skies that we'll meet again someday, Inuyasha."
Miroku thought Inuyasha died protecting me, but really, I distracted him and got him killed.
Miroku stepped back, letting Sango step forward.
She pulled my hand and whipped her eyes with the back of her hand, not letting go of my hand at all.
"When I first met Inuyasha, I tried to kill him. I was told he killed my village, but I later found out that it was Naraku. Inuyasha let me join their group, and he acted aggressive because he probably thought it would make me feel better. I hated him at first because I had thought he killed my village, my family, but now he was family to me and Naraku has yet again taken my family from me, but Inuyasha helped me get my revenge, even if he did loose his life," Sango said. "He did die protecting us and Kagome most of all," she squeezed my hand. "But he chose to. I hope that one day I'll get the chance to be your friend again, Inuyasha."
She must have known what I was thinking when she said that he chose to die protecting us and me most of all.
Shippo jumped on Sango's shoulder.
"Inuyasha helped me avenge my father, he killed the Thunder Brothers for me, even though I called him a half breed at first. I was horrible to him, but I really treated him as a brother, but he seemed like a father to me more, because he tried to make me less of a spoiled brat. He loved Kagome and she is like my mother, he loved all of us as friends, and I even hope that he loved me as a son. Inuyasha, I want to be your son in my next life," Shippo said.
He jumped back into my arms, burying his tear streaked face into my chest.
My tears were flowing rapidly.
Sango pulled me up and squeezed my hand and smiled a bit at me.
I took a deep breath. Well, here it goes.
"I loved Inuyasha, I believe he was my soulmate, he tried killing me at first he told me he hated me, but in the end he died because of me and I feel horrible because I never got to tell him I loved him," I said. "I hope he's listening now, and I hope someday I'm with him again."
I was crying again. I heard you say, "I'm listening."
And I saw a faint sight of you next to me and Shippo and Sango and Miroku. It was so faint I thought it was something in my eye.
Kaede smiled at me again and Sango squeezed my hand again. I stepped back and Kaede finished the... funeral.
She set the twigs and sticks on fire and soon everything was on fire and I was sobbing again.
I told you it'll kill me to watch you burn. It feels as if you're leaving me a second time. The hole in my chest was still bleeding and burning and stinging.
And I saw you burn and I never told you. And I'm seeing you, but as you burned and turned to ash I didn't feel you anymore. You left for good this time! I can't even feel your presence anymore! I felt so empty and heartless without you! I feel so alone!
And I sob into Sango's shoulder again and tears are streaking her face. Inuyasha, why can't I feel you? Did you move on?
We all went back into Kaede's hut after we buried your ashes. I didn't go back home. I stayed with them tonight because I wouldn't be able to take the pain alone again.
Sango stayed up with me until we both fell asleep crying and Shippo fell asleep in my lap, crying, with Kirara. Miroku was asleep near us too.
When I woke up the next day, I went home. Of course I told them first.
I still expected you to tell me we needed to find the jewel shards and that I couldn't go home.
But you wouldn't. And you never would again.
"I'm gonna go home for a bit now, okay, guys?" I asked. My voice surprised me.
Sango nodded at me. She still had red puffy eyes, probably like me. Miroku still looked sad and Shippo was still sleeping.
Miroku nodded at me too. I forced a smile. "Thanks." They were giving me looks that I might not come back this time. "I'm fine. I'll be back soon."
They nodded.
My mom was in the kitchen when I came back home. She must have saw my puffy eyes, and she already knew what happened, so she came over to me and hugged me.
"How are you dealing?" she asked.
"I'm fine," I lied. I'll never be fine without you. "Mom, I'm gonna go up to my room."
She nodded. "Alright, sweetie. Let me know if you need anything."
I nodded and hurried upstairs to my bedroom.
When I got upstairs I locked the door and sat on my bed, letting my tears escape.
I pulled the locket out of my pocket and opened it. Something fell out, and the pictures of me and you were still in it.
I bent down to pick up the thing that fell out. It was a piece of paper folded many times.
I unfolded it. It had writing on it, it was very messy and scrawled carelessly, and it said,
Kagome,
Didn't think I could read or write, did you? I guess that if you're reading this, I'm not around anymore, right? I'm writing this because whatever happened to... make me not there anymore, it was never your fault, it was my own damn choice. I wanted you to know that whenever you say 'sit' I want you to listen if you can here me slam into the ground where ever the hell I am. And I want you to know I'll always be with you, and I don't want you to waste your life over me. And I don't want you to seal the well and run away. They need you, all of them. I love you, Kagome.
Inuyasha.
I whipped the tears away with my hands again. I was crying again, but the note made me smile a little.
How is it possible he knew what I would be thinking? Honestly, how could he know I'd blame myself? How'd he know what to say to make me smile?
And Inuyasha, I love you too! And If you want me to be better I will, but at least let me morn you for a bit. Maybe I can live without you. Because right now it's getting better and I can almost feel happy. And I'm able to think about you without any tears… sort of.
I hope I'll see you again. I hope I get another chance someday and that I'll tell you before anything bad happens.
Because in this life I never told you.
****Author's note: I hope you guys liked it. I hope it wasn't too painful, but I guess I wrote this to get my own pain out. This is my outlet. Whatever I'm feeling I put into a story. Or fanfic. Again, please no bashing and please review.