Author's note: this is based on "Hamlet: Facebook News Feed Edition" on the McSweeneys site, which I highly recommend. Also, check out "The Animorphs Get Facebook", a story on this site which inspired me to write this.
Jake changed his privacy settings.
Comment: I can't tell you my last name.
Elfangor tagged Visser Three, Alloran, Arbron, Hedrick Chapman, Loren, the Ellimist, and Tobias in a note: The Andalite Chronicles.
Jake, Rachel, Tobias, Marco, and Cassie joined a group: The Earth Resistance.
There are no admins left in this group! Become admin!
Jake became admin for The Earth Resistance.
Tobias is a cat. Wow. I'm a cat!
Tom invited Jake to join a group: The Sharing.
Tobias changed his profile picture.
Caption: So, this is the new me.
Jake removed "basketball" from his "activities" list.
Oh no! Melissa Chapman is lonely! Won't you build a barn by her?
Rachel tagged Melissa Chapman in a note: It's gonna be okay.
Tobias is enjoying the thermals.
Ax has sent out invitations to a group: Free Andalites on Earth?
Ax has sent out a message: Hello? Anybody out there?
Cassie feels dizzy...
Ax and the Animorphs are now friends.
Ax has joined a group: The Earth Resistance.
Ax is now using Facebook in English. Gli-shuh.
Marco wrote on Jake's wall.
Sorry, I can't keep up with this anymore. If something happened to me, I'm not sure what would happen to my dad.
Marco deleted a comment from Jake's wall.
Visser One has sabotaged Visser Three's efforts in Mafia Wars! Join Visser One's army today!
Marco added "Let's do it" to his "favorite quotations".
Tom and Temrash are no longer friends.
Jake is infested.
The Big Red Eye sent Jake a friend request.
Jake added "the fugue" to his "favorite music" list.
The Ellimist posted an announcement: Hey, everyone, we're changing the look of the site.
Rachel joined a group: 1,000,000 HUMANS FOR THE OLD VERSION!
Rachel thinks this is a whole lot better now.
Rachel is very confused by all this writing on her wall. Yeerks? Controllers? What?
Ax became a fan of Cinnamon Buns, Cigarette Butts, and 52 other pages.
Ax added "These Messages" and "The Young And The Restless" to his "favorite TV shows".
Ax is unimpressed by this backwards human technology.
Alloran joined a group: Free Andalites on Earth?
Alloran left the group: Free Andalites on Earth?
Cassie wrote on Visser Three's wall: Okay, this is how you remove skunk smell.
Visser Three commented: It's not working!
Marco changed his profile picture.
Caption: Hey, check out my haircut.
Erek King is soul-searching. Well, circuit-searching.
Marco wrote on Erek King's wall: So, could you, like, hack this entire site and show us Visser Three's password?
Erek King commented: Would you use that for violence?
Marco commented: Well, yeah.
Erek King commented: Probably not, then.
Marco commented: Well, this is going to make things needlessly difficult.
Marco is now using Facebook in Spanish (Broken).
Jake wrote on the wall for the group:1,000,000 HUMANS FOR THE OLD VERSION!
Hey, is anyone else having weird time-travel experiences?
WebAccessAmerica01 wrote on the wall for the group: 1,000,000 HUMANS FOR THE OLD VERSION!
Make $$$$ from home! Click here to find how one California woman discovered the trick to fast profits!
Jake wrote on the wall for the group:1,000,000 HUMANS FOR THE OLD VERSION!
Hmm. Guess it's just me.
Cassie and Rachel removed "Power House" from their "favorite TV shows".
Jara Hamee and Ket Halpak joined a group: The Hork-Bajir Valley.
Tobias is human!
Rachel likes this.
Cassie listed her phone number as 123-45678.
Marco dislikes this.
Marco is having trouble with the whole "pragmatism" thing.
Jake joined a group: TRUTH ABOUT ALIEN INVSION!
Jake started a new discussion in the group: TRUTH ABOUT ALIEN INVISION!
Wow. Guess there are other people out there.
Cassie replied to Jake's post in TRUTH ABOUT ALIEN INVISION!
You can't trust everything you read on the web.
Marco replied to Cassie's post in TRUTH ABOUT ALIEN INVISION!
Yeah, she says on the internet.
Rachel became a fan of Oatmeal.
Captain Samilin and Visser Four are now friends.
Ax left the group: Free Andalites on Earth?
There are no admins left in this group! Become admin!
Force Commander Prince Galuit joined the group: 1,000,000 Andalites against population restrictions.
Ax joined the group: Free Andalites on Earth?
Tobias removed "playing with dinosaurs" from his interests.
The Mercora suggested that Marco become a fan of broccoli.
Request denied.
Ax actually has an engaging scientific challenge to work on!
Cassie left the group: The Earth Resistance.
Jake dislikes this.
Aftran 942 wrote on Cassie's wall: Wow, a human!
Cassie commented: What?
Aftran 942 and Cassie are now friends.
Cassie changed her profile picture.
The Animorphs dislike this.
Aftran 942 commented on Cassie's picture: I tried to talk her out of it...
Jake is apparently narrating?
Ax commented: This is most peculiar, Prince Jake. This book equals 4 mod 5.
Jake commented: If you say so, Ax-man. And don't call me Prince.
Cassie changed her profile picture.
Marco is cutting class.
Cassie changed her profile picture.
Karen likes this.
Cassie joined a group: The Earth Resistance.
Karen's dad donated to the Wildlife Rehabilitation Center using "Causes".
Walter likes this.
Aftran joined a group: Yeerk Peace Movement.
David joined the [censored] High School network.
David added a listing to Facebook Marketplace: cool lookin blue box thing
Visser Three commented: Hey, looks pretty cool, I'd buy that.
David joined a group: The Earth Resistance.
Jake, Rachel, and Jordan wrote on Saddler's wall: Get well soon!
Marco commented: Jordan. You're on Facebook? How old are you?
Rachel commented: Don't even think about it.
David commented: Who is Saddler?
Jake wrote in Rachel's Honesty Box—What do you think of me? All answers are completely anonymous.
I think you're really my go-to person when I need some revenge.
Rachel is a little concerned.
Tobias is right here, guys, what's going on? I'm confused.
David dislikes this.
Cassie banned David from a group: The Earth Resistance.
David changed his profile picture.
Jara Hamee tagged Visser Three and Alloran in a note: The Hork-Bajir Chronicles.
Tobias and Toby Hamee are now friends.
Toby Hamee became admin for The Hork-Bajir Valley.
Toby Hamee wrote on the wall for a group: The Hork-Bajir Valley.
Mom, Dad, you're doing a great job. But I'm going to handle the computer end of things. Okay?
Aria added Tobias as her cousin.
Mr. Degroot gave Tobias a gift for his birthday: the will.
Elfangor tagged Tobias in a note: To my son.
Tobias commented: Thanks, Dad.
Tobias removed Aria, and added Elfangor and Ax, as his family members.
Rachel gave Tobias a gift for his birthday: cake.
Cassie really wishes we could keep a better handle on the morphing cube...
Marco added the Arctic to the Places I've Been application.
Jake and Cassie are now in a relationship.
Marco likes this.
Erek King
Erek
Oops! Something went wrong.
Rachel is working on getting that fixed as soon as she can.
Ax is disillusioned by the story behind so many of these wondrous flavors. Flaaaay-vors.
Illim wrote on Cassie's wall: Aftran could use your help.
Ax has Yamphut.
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Ax is INFESTED! AAAAH!
Aftran is disappointed by Andalite mentality.
Cassie posted a link to Aftran's wall: Biodiversity on Earth.
Aftran changed her profile picture.
Rachel wrote on the wall for the group: 1,000,000 HUMANS FOR THE OLD VERSION!
Re-education camps? Yeah, right.
Rachel is now using Facebook in French.
John Berryman Jr. edited his "favorite quotations".
Comment: I thought I had something profound here but it's not coming to mind...
Rachel is alive.
Tobias likes this.
Theresa Knowlton and John Berryman changed their relationship status to "it's complicated."
Marco has totally got the pragmatism thing under control.
Jake commented: Are you sure?
Marco commented: Yes. Leave me alone.
Grandpa G gave Jake a gift: a footlocker.
Nice Rachel wrote on Mean Rachel's wall: What's going on?
Mean Rachel wrote on Nice Rachel's wall: I have no idea, moron.
Elfangor sent Tobias a message: Hang in there.
Aldrea reactivated her account.
Aldrea has to deactivate her account again. Great.
Nora Robbinette and Peter are now engaged.
Visser Three has sabotaged Visser One's efforts in Mafia Wars! Join Visser Three's army today!
Visser One called Marco on Facebook Mobile.
Visser One tagged Darwin and Madra in a note: Visser.
The Emperor is sparing some treacherous subordinates. What I wouldn't give for a little competence around here...
Eva dislikes this.
Aftran probably should have warned people about this. Oh well. This should be amusing.
Jake is going out of town for a few days, won't reply right away.
Jake is curious what happened while he was gone.
Arbat wrote on the wall for a group: 1,000,000 Andalites against population restrictions.
Did any of our parents take that seriously?
Aloth wrote on the wall for a group: 1,000,000 Andalites against population restrictions.
Clearly not.
Cassie has to deal with a buffa-human-thing.
Marco commented: Your concern for animals is really going to get you into trouble.
Gafinilan and Mertil joined a group: Free Andalites on Earth?
Marco commented: Hi, guys. Where have you been for the last thirty-six books?
Cassie wrote on the wall for a group: 1,000,000 HUMANS FOR THE OLD VERSION!
So apparently I'm "sub-temporally grounded"? Well, that's convenient.
The Drode reported the Ellimist for abusive behavior: stacking the deck.
Jake wrote on the wall for a group: 1,000,000 HUMANS FOR THE OLD VERSION!
Okay, I seriously have no idea what's going on now.
Marco aaaagh water aaagh
Taylor posted a link to Tobias' wall: www. EarthIsOurs .com
Cassie is now using Facebook in English (Australian).
Peter changed his relationship status to "it's complicated".
Marco, Peter, and Eva joined a group: The Hork-Bajir Valley.
Esplin 9466 is promoted.
Ax sent the Andalite military a message: We could use a little help down here.
Visser Two is visiting Earth.
Isaiah Fitzhenry wrote a note: My diary.
Rachel wrote on the wall for a group: 1,000,000 HUMANS FOR THE OLD VERSION!
Wait, is this all just another dream?
Rachel added a new photo: Super-Rachel.
Visser Three dislikes this.
David just wants it all to end.
Rachel commented: I'm not going to just kill you.
David commented: It's too bad you're don't want to take me anywhere near, like, a big ocean I could drown myself in if I wanted to, because that would be convenient.
Loren is now using Facebook in English.
Loren commented: Wow, this is so much more convenient than Braille.
Walter, Michelle, Naomi, Jordan, Sara, Loren, and the Animorphs joined a group: The Hork-Bajir Valley.
Jake invited Jean and Steve to a group: The Hork-Bajir Valley.
Naomi was made an officer in a group: The Hork-Bajir Valley.
Constitutional Framer, Teacher.
The Auxiliaries joined a group: The Earth Resistance.
Cassie gave Tom a gift: the morphing cube.
Jake dislikes this.
The Governor is putting her political problems in perspective.
Ax sent the Andalite military some messages.
Jake Berenson changed his privacy settings.
Jake Berenson has a plan.
Jake Berenson sent Rachel a message: Plan?
Jake Berenson sent Tom a message: Re: Plan?
Jake Berenson sent James a message: Plan?
Jake Berenson sent Erek King a message: Plan. Actually, you don't plan. I plan. Here's the plan.
Visser One has no idea what's going on.
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Tom has been double-crossed. Curses.
The Ellimist tagged Crayak in a note: The Ellimist Chronicles.
Rachel commented: Great, that makes me feel really significant.
Asculan has a plan.
Jake Berenson commented: A little ahead of you, there.
Tobias is brooding.
Jake Berenson is also brooding.
Marco added "The Gorilla Speaks" to his "favorite books".
Ronnie Chambers and Cassie are now in a relationship.
Ax wrote on Jake's wall: Help?
Jake, Marco, Santorelli, and Jeanne joined a group: Humans going to Kelbrid Space.
Jake wrote on Cassie's wall: If you see Tobias, tell him he counts as a human.
Menderash joined a group: Humans going to Kelbrid Space.
Jake commented: Wait, what?
Tobias joined a group: Humans going to Kelbrid Space.
K.A. Applegate posted an announcement: Something went wrong with this plotline, but we're not working on getting it fixed.
Ember Nickel dislikes this.