Deadliest Warrior of Fiction

by HTKWolfe

Videogames, and Movies have many badasses, and other noteworthy characters to their titles. But which is deadliest? Join the omnipotent Realm Lords as they seek an answer to this question as old as film. Current battle: Van Helsing vs. Connor Kenway.

You're in a crowd at a studio. On the stage are two comfy chairs with your hosts!

One host has blond hair, green eyes, and black clothes. He wears a trench coat, and holds a katana like a cane.

He says, "Hello, and welcome to our show! I'm Shadus, and this is my co-host Deadpool from the Marvel Universe!"

Deadpool waves both hands, and blows kisses as he sits in his own chair. "Aw you people like me, you really like me!"

Shadus rolls his eyes, "We're here today to bring you the best of the badass by pitting two fighters from movie/videogame history, and making them battle to the death!"

Deadpool sighs fondly, "Gladiators never go out of style…"

"That they do not Deadpool, and now let's show them today's matchup!"

Connor Kenway vs. Gabriel Van Helsing

Shadus clears his throat, "In honor of the Halloween season we're bringing in the famed monster hunter Van Helsing."

"And who could match against this B List movie character? Pretty much everyone I can think of, but Shadus here has decided to pit him against the assassin of "Assassin's Creed 3" Connor Kenway."

Shadus wags a finger, "You might change your mind here in a second Deadpool, because to decide the best warrior we are going to analyze both warriors' armor, weapons, and skills to determine a winner."

Deadpool goggles at him, "Wait, we're not watching them fight?!"

"Oh I never said that," Shadus says with a sinister smile. "I am a Realm Lord after all, and so I can do whatever I want!"

Deadpool wipes sweat from his forehead, "You had me scared for a second there. If we were going to go through all the trouble of going through both these guys then NOT show a fight this series would never get off the ground!"

Shadus nods, "Now to decide who's better we'll take a look at their armor first."

Deadpool raises an eyebrow, "What armor? Helsing has that coat, and Connor's assassin robes, while badass, don't really do much to protect him."

"Agreed!" Shadus snaps his fingers, and more words appear on the screen behind them.

Armor: Even

Deadpool nods, and rubs his hands together, "And now for the toys!"

Shadus smiles, "Yup! Now to decide who has the best arsenal we've broken up the weapons into four categories; Long-Range, Mid-Range, Short-Range, and Special Weapons."

Deadpool deadpans, "Are we just gonna talk about this or do it?"

Van Helsing:

Deadpool puts footage from the Van Helsing movie on the screen.

"Van Helsing has a lot of weapons, but the one with the longest range is his crossbow, a gas-powered motherfucker with a drum of arrows, and two rates of fire; Automatic, and Semi-Automatic."

"Assuming you can hit anything with it," Shadus interjects. "If we look over this footage of Van Helsing's fight with the brides of Dracula we can clearly see he is far from accurate with the crossbow."

"What about that one shot where he shot that bitch in the ankle?"

"Well she was flying directly away from him, and I think it was mostly luck than anything. Through the rest of the fight all he did was spray arrows, and hope he hit something."

Deadpool nods, "Yeah, true, he only killed that first bride after poisoning arrows with holy water, and she was pretty much up in his face when he pulled the trigger on her."

Shadus holds up a finger, "But he gets more lethal the closer you get. For Mid-Range weapons Helsing carries a pair of pistols that we are assuming carry six to eight bullets each. As demonstrated in the fight with Mr. Hyde in the beginning of the movie, Van Helsing is far better skilled with guns than bows."

"He still couldn't shoot the broad side of a barn though, all he did was make a hole in the dude's arm."

"Well Deadpool, if you think about it his mission was supposed to be brining Mr. Hyde back alive. Didn't end so well though, but it showed he's a well skilled gunmen anyways."

Deadpool pats the handle of one of his swords on his back, "Now for my favorite part!"

"Mine too, the up-in-your-face Close-Ranged weapons. Assuming you can get through Van Helsing's long ranged weapons-"

"Whick is a pretty safe bet," Deadpool interrupts.

"-You'll have to deal with a little hand-to-hand fighting."

Deadpool looks up, "I'm more in a mood for a little hand-to-"

"MOVING ON, van Helsing has a pair of buzz-saws that he can crank on the handles to makes them spin fast enough to cut through metal. We've seen him cut off Mr. Hyde's tree-thick arm with one, cut a chain, and even throw one to pin the sadistic Igor to a wall by the shoulder."

"Gimme," Deadpool says with awe.

"He appears to prefer this kind of combat as he does almost everything he can to get up in his opponent's personal space."

"Like a badass!"

Shadus continues, "He has displayed time, and again that he can keep a level head no matter what crisis, even dealing with an oddly convenient case of Lycanthropy. Van Helsing also fights superhuman foes on an almost daily basis, giving him better reflexes, and stamina than the average human being. Then again he is not the average human being. In the movie it was revealed that Van Helsing is actually the Left Hand of God."

"Why the left?"

"Well, because Jesus is the right hand."

"But aren't they the same person… Damn religion's confusing! Whoa, hold up! What did you say Helsing's first name was?"

"Gabriel, why… oh…"

"Okay, I take it back," Deadpool raises his hands in mock surrender. "Van Helsing is a badass. Why was his movie B List if he's such a badass?"

"Lazy, lazy writing Deadpool." Shadus shakes his head sadly. "Now we still have his Special Weapons to go over. Helsing carries a blow-dart shooter that rapidly reloads like a shotgun. This he mostly uses as a tranquilizer."

"Where does he keep the extra darts, I don't see an ammo clip on that thing."

"Hell if I know Deadpool, hell if I know. Helsing also carries a few extra tools depending on what he's currently hunting."

"Silver bullets for werewolves, and that Sun Gernade thing for vampires right?"

"Yeah, and that grenade isn't effective against only Vampires."

Deadpool perks up, "Oh, so we get to see a big boom?"

Maybe, it did take Carl 12 years to make it."

"Aw…"

Connor Kenway:

Shadus brings up footage from Assassin's Creed 3.

"Connor Kenway is a Native American of mixed blood, one of them being a bloodline stretching back to the Brotherhood of Assassins."

"Which is a fancy way of saying this guy was born to be a killer."

"Exactly Deadpool, and it gets better."

"Really?!"

"Connor was raised in a tribe that was burned down by Charles Lee. Connor swore vengeance, and was later trained as an Assassin."

"Now he goes around fucking up Redcoats like Batman does punks!"

Shadus frowns, "Well techinaclly no since Batman has the No Killing policy."

"Oh yeah, now quick, WEAPONS!"

"Right, Conor's longest ranged weapon is his Bow & Arrow, which is his most practiced weapon as well. He's a quick draw with it as well, and always hits his mark."

"Connor's gonna fuck you up with that thing, even if it's just to get a bit closer for the kill."

"Which brings us to his Mid-Ranged weapons. Conor actually has two."

"Say what?!"

Conor carries a flintlock pistol, a handgun notorious for being a single shot weapon."

"Lame!"

His other Mid-Ranged weapon is his Rope Dart, a spike of metal on the end of rope that he can fling from his right hand with deadly accuracy."

"Holy shit, NOT lame!"

"But like you said earlier Deadpool, he can use these just to get closer for the kill. Connor's close range weapon is the Tomahawk."

"Old school, but effective," Deadpool comments.

"Indeed, he even seems to prefer using this in the place of his Special Weapon the Hidden Blade, a weapon used by all Assassins of the Brotherhood."

Deadpool claps his hands like a kid, "Best. Sneak Attack. EVER! Six inches of steel up your sleeve that you can unsheathe with a flick of your wrist!"

Shadus holds up a hand, "That's not all Deadpool!"

"The fuck?! There's more?!"

"Yes, Connor's Hidden Blade has a modification that allows him to hold it like a double blade Dagger because of a curving blade on the other end maybe two inches long. Connor can even use his Rope Dart as a second Hidden Blade."

"Awesome, thank you game designers! Where can I get one of those things?"

"EBay," Shadus says nonchalantly. "Now Connor also has some tools of his own. He uses Smoke Bombs, and grenades in times of need. Also he has a habit of controlling a battlefield when he has more than one opponent, often times using their own weapons against them."

"Like using a musket to beat a lobster-back into submission before impaling them with the bayonet!"

"Precisely Deadpool," Shadus sips from a wineglass.

"Alright, we've gone over both our combatants, and tallied the score! In long range weapons Van Helsing has the more advanced weapon, but Connor has far more skill with his."

"A good weapon does make up for something though, and he might get a lucky shot," Deadpool objects. "So how about we call them even on that one?"

Shadus nods, "Okay… In Mid-Range weapons we've got Van Helsing's pistols vs. the Flintlock, and the Rope Dart."

Deadpool shrugs, "The dart is the most boss thing I've seen since the Ballistic Knife, but Pistols are sweet, and simple. I gotta give Helsing the edge on that one."

"Okay," Shadus checks the list. "Short ranged weapons, the Buzz-Saws vs. the Tomahawk."

"Well you said those saws could cut through even metal so those saws could break the shaft of the tomahawk. Plus he's got two of them."

"True, but taken into account that Connor can use his opponent's weapons against them I think we should call it even. Plus as an Assassin he's probably prepared for them."

Deadpool nods, "Yeah, yeah… Now the Special Weapons, Hidden Blades plus those grenades vs. a peashooter plus the world's most powerful flash grenade."

They give each other a look, and nod, "Connor."

Shadus looks behind them at the scoreboard on screen:

Long-Range: Even

Mid-Range: Van Helsing

Short-Range: Even

Special: Connor Kenway

Armor: Even

Shadus smiles, "Looks like it's gonna be a close one."

Deadpool grabs some popcorn, "Yep, now enough talk, and let's fuck some people up!"

…

Van Helsing rides in the snowy forests on North America on a horse, accompanied by his friend Friar Carl. Even after the incident in Transylvania Carl still isn't used to such a rugged lifestyle.

"Van Helsing," Carl moans.

"Hm?" Van helsing looks back at Carl, raising his hat a bit.

"Why do we have to come after this assassin, doesn't the Holy Order have dozens of other knights?"

"Well first of all Carl I'm not a knight." Van Helsing turns back to watching the road, "And secondly, they sent us because I'm their best, and they needyou to keep an eye on me."

Carl sighs, and Van Helsing laughs. "You should be proud Carl! After all that with Dracula the Holy Order has decided you've got the stuff of a field man. I call that a promotion."

"Lucky me," He mutters under his breath, and scans the treetops. "Are you sure we're alone out here?"

Van Helsing rolls his eyes, "Carl, would you just relax? We might as well be surrounded by broken glass. If this Connor guy tries to sneak up on us I'll know about it."

Carl shivers as he rides up a bit closer to Van Helsing. "Why is it so important to kill this Kenway fellow?"

"Because he's a dangerous assassin."

"I mean besides that."

"Because if we don't then he'll kill more of the Holy Order's knights than he already has, and maybe even wipe out the whole order."

"I mean besides that."

Van Helsing is losing his patience, "Will you quit worrying already? Trust me Carl, there's no safer place than with me."

Carl gives him a skeptical laugh as he retreats again. "Right, a right old holiday… if you like Vampires, Werewolves, and god knows what else."

Van Helsing presses his lips together to stop himself from snapping at his friend. They ride together in silence for a few more minutes, and then Van Helsing calls back, "You still alive back there Carl?"

Carl doesn't answer, making van Helsing stop his horse with a frown, "Carl…?"

He turns, and his eyes go wide. "CARL!"

Carl's horse snorts as its rider holds it in place with one hand on the reigns. The other hand is clutching at a rope around his neck. Van Helsing follows the rope upwards to a figure dressed in white holding the other end.

"Hang on Carl!" Van Helsing turns his horse around, and draws on of his buzz saws. The blades pop out, and he gives the handle a crank before throwing it at Connor. The assassin retracts his Rope Dart, and bolts along his tree branch as the saw embeds itself in the wood where his feet used to be.

Carl coughs as he rides over to Van Helsing, "Well… I think we found him…"

"No kidding," Van Helsing mutters as he reaches into his bag, and pulls out his crossbow. He scans the trees with his eyes as he looks down the sight of his weapon.

Suddenly two of arrows fly from the forest, and nail each of their horses in the neck. The animals rear up, tossing their riders before falling dead on the road. Van Helsing curses as he gets to his feet.

"Stay down Carl!"

"Not a problem," Carl says as he lies flat on the ground, eyes scanning the tree branches. Van Helsing sets his crossbow to automatic, and slowly turns in the middle of the rode. Connor's white clothes are making him easily hide in the snow.

'There!" Carl points up, and Connor appears from around a tree trunk high up in the branches. Van Helsing points, and holds the trigger, sending a spray of arrows up at Connor.

Connor calmly fires off a single arrow, and it flies true among the spray, lodging itself in the mouth of the crossbow. Helsing curses as he tosses the jammed Crossbow to the side, and Connor pulls another arrow, this one going into the pressurized gas tank.

The resulting explosion sends Van Helsing flying back as he draws his pistols, firing them as Connor disappears behind the tree trunk again.

Carl stares wide eyed at the crossbow, "I spent a month working on that!"

Van Helsing chuckles as he gets to his feet, "This is going to be fun, I can tell already…"

Connor dashes across a tree branch over the road, and Helsing opens fire. Connor ducks, and jumps as his instincts demand, and he leaps into the trees on the other side of the road.

Van Helsing narrows his eyes as he starts to reload his guns. Carl crawls over to his bag, and pulls out a box.

"Ah, here we are…"

An arrow knocks the box out of Carl's hands, and it flies open in the middle of the road. Carl watches horrified as the Solar Grenade rolls out into the road.

"Oh my god… Van Helsing!"

Helsing spots the grenade, and curses. He grabs Carl, and hauls him behind a tree as it goes off. Heat, and light flash around them for an instants, and the tree grows unbearably hot.

Then it's over, and they open their eyes. Most of the snow around them has melted, and a few of the trees are burning.

Van Helsing smiles, "Carl, you're a genius."

"A genius with access to unstable chemicals," Carl mutters. "Is he gone?"

Helsing looks around, "Doubt it, men like him don't die easy…"

A slight hissing sound draws Carl's attention behind him as a cloud of smoke explodes around him. Helsing spins into a crouch, leveling his guns at the cloud.

Suddenly an arrow stabs through one of his guns, pinning it to a tree. Helsing spins with his other gun raised, but hesitates when he sees Connor has Carl as a shield. Connor shoots Helsing's last gun with his flintlock pistol, and tosses Carl to the side.

Helsing stands, "So you decided to get up close now eh?"

"I would see your eyes before you die, outsider."

"No need for name-calling," Helsing mutters as he pulls his second saw from inside his coat, and gives it a few cranks. Connor reaches over his shoulder for another arrow, but his quiver is empty. So instead Connor draws his tomahawk.

They charge each other, Helsing going for a stomach slash. Connor flips over it, and slashes at his back, but Helsing deflects his hatchet.

Connor turns, running for a tree. Helsing chases him, and slashes upwards, gouging the tree as Connor runs up it with a flip. The assassin lands behind Helsing, a few meters away. He lashes out with his Rope Dart, wrapping it around van Helsing's arm. Connor gives it a jerk, and Helsing cries out as he's forced to drop his weapon.

Carl stares as red droplets fall from Van Helsing's arm. Carl reaches into his back, and pulls out a pair of silver stakes.

"Van Helsing!" He throws them to Van Helsing as Connor take a leaping slash at him. Van Helsing rolls out of the way, deftly catching the stakes as he comes up, "Well done!"

Connor isn't in the least bit fazed, but Carl has his attention now. He shoots out the Rope Dart, nailing Carl right in the neck.

"No!" Van Helsing watches Carl collapse, clutching his neck. He turns a hateful glare on Connor, and charges with a growl. Connor doges backwards over, and over again as Van Helsing lashes at him. As the wanted monster hunter starts to tire he shoots his Rope Dart around Helsing's arm, and rolls past him. He gives it a firm jerk, flipping Helsing onto his back.

He brings down his tomahawk, but Helsing catches the blow with his free stake, and pins the weapon to a tree. He bucks, and delivers a kick to Connor's head. The rope Dart comes undone as he steps back, and Van Helsing jumps to his feet.

With a cry of fury Van Helsing runs at Connor Kenway, silver stake raised. Connor diverts his downward stab, and jams his left palm into Van Helsing's chin while activating his Hidden Blade. Van Helsing gurgles as Connor maneuvers the hinge to hold it like a dagger, and tears Helsing's throat open with it.

He stares apathetically as Van Helsing's body limply hits the ground, and then goes to retrieve what he can of his weapons…

…

"HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AWESOME!"

Shadus nods, "That's right Deadpool, and it made for a great first battle for this show."

"I'll say!" Deadpool claps his hands, "That was one of the best takedowns I've seen in a while. Connor didn't even have to use his whole arsenal!"

Shadus nods, "Theoretically if Van Helsing was around since 73 AD then he should have centuries of battle experience."

"But that doesn't do shit for you if you can't even remember any of it!"

"Right, and on top of that Connor's bloodline has a natural affinity for assassination. We saw the results here."

"Yup! I am so buying Assassin's Creed 4, then I can be a cutthroat just like Connor!"

Shadus stands, "The winner is Connor Kenway!

"Thank all of you for coming, and we hope you enjoyed the show. If so then please Follow us."

"Don't forget to leave your feedback, and a suggestion for a match in the Reviews," Deadpool chimes in.

Shadus waves, "Join us next time for a battle of the nightstalkers…"

Blade vs. Selene!