"Doctor, what's a good synonym for 'incomplete'?" Rose asked, peering over the top of her crossword puzzle. She had two across blanks left.
"Depends on the context, I'd say. And the definition. It can apply to a machine, a project, a relationship, so on and so forth..." The doctor replied, beginning a babble as usual.
"Give me your best guess." Rose replied, pen in her mouth, thinking hard on the answer. She'd been working on the puzzle for the last hour, while the Doctor was letting the TARDIS charge in Cardiff.
The Doctor thought for a moment, and he thought about the last time he himself had felt incomplete. There had been plenty of times he had felt sad, depressed, broken, and even lost. The one time that stood out in his mind was the time he had thought he had lost Rose forever to a parallel world...
Empty spaces fill me up with holes Distant faces with no place left to go Without you, within me I can find no rest Where I'm going is anybody's guess
The Doctor was aware that Rose was still waiting for an answer to her question, but he was caught up in thought. Thoughts that he usually avoided but that needed to be thought. He was thinking back to the days right after he and Rose had separated. To the days when he had no hope, thinking Rose was forever lost to him. He had wandered about, not sure of where to go next. He had met Martha Jones, and taken her to the same places he had taken Rose, craving the feeling he used to have when he and Rose were the ones traveling together in the TARDIS...
He had spoken to Martha like Rose had never really happened, like everything was alright, like it wasn't his fault...like he wasn't hurting and dying inside. He had pretended like that day never happened, and that it just wasn't meant to be between he and Rose...meanwhile, deep inside all he wanted to do was get back to her. He didn't want to care that two universes would collapse.
Rose was worth it..but he knew he couldn't let himself..
I tried to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is, incomplete
Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby It's written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistake
In those days without Rose, He had noticed that Martha had begun to feel something more for him, but he didn't return that feeling. He was too numb, too broken, too in love with his last companion to do anything about it. So instead he hoped it would pass.
That's what he did best. Ignored his personal issues hoping and praying they'd go away.
For a man who really didn't believe in religion, he had prayed like a minister who had studied all his life.
He had been alone in his bedroom one night, after Martha had gone to sleep, and was on his knees in tears, hands clasped in prayer, begging God for Rose to find a way back to him, or at the very least, for him to ease the pain. He was aware at how irrational and illogical he was being, but he didn't care.
I tried to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is, incomplete
And then Martha had left him, and Donna had become his companion. He still couldn't move on without Rose. He had told her straight he couldn't be anything more than a loving, supportive friend. All of his energy had been spent on holding onto Rose. He knew it was wrong, that he should have atleast tried to get over her, but he couldn't.
Because before he had met her, he had been lost. And after he had lost her, he had been nothing. She was everything. Even if he hadn't always shown it, she meant more to him than anything.
He remembered back further to when Rose had met Sarah Jane and had been entirely upset about it because he had never mentioned her, even though they had been so close once. She didn't want to be forgotten like that, like another one in a long list...
Rose had gotten her wish. She hadn't been another on a list. She had made her own list, just a little bit more important to him than all the others. To everyone he had met after their parting, they had heard her name at some point...
I don't mean to drag it on
But I can't seem to let you go
I don't wanna make you face this world alone
I won't let you go...
Then the Doctor remembered a glorious day. A day that was impossible by so many standards, beyond all possible reason. Rose had found her way back. She had used everything she had ever learned to find a way, to help save the universe, and to save him from his misery. To make him complete again.
And like an idiot, he let her go. Sending her back with the human version of himself...
I try to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you what I'm going to be is, incomplete...
And after he had dropped everybody off, he had went back for her.
Incomplete...
Because he realized that there was no way whatsoever he was leaving her on that parallel Earth again. He wasn't crazy; he didn't enjoy his own suffering. He knew he didn't have much time to get back before those walls closed but with everything he had in him, he had hoped he wasn't too late.
And he hadn't been.
She hadn't left the bay yet, standing there beyond confused. The human version of himself was standing a couple of feet away, not quite sure of how to calm her down. She had had tears streaming down her face and a wild expression, like a person who was about to snap after being pushed to a certain breaking point.
When she had heard the TARDIS coming back, he had been pretty sure that she thought she had gone mad.
But when he had opened the TARDIS doors, picked her up, and kissed her, really kissed her for the first time since they had met, she had known he was real.
And he had known she was real, too.
The human doctor had smiled, watching the original version of himself and Rose finally get what each desired so badly.
The human version knew this meant that he couldn't have Rose, but he knew he'd be alright. His whole entire life had just been a memory; he had never really lived it. The original had endured the suffering, the pain, the heartache. The original couldn't bare another, the human one could.
So he stood there, watching Rose and the Original with a huge grin on his face.
Jackie couldn't help it either. She had grinned as well.
And then Rose and he, the original Doctor, had left. The human version of himself had decided to stay on the parallel Earth, to protect it and to keep it safe. To keep the Tyler's safe from whatever the future held. That way Rose wouldn't have to worry about them.
And Rose had thanked him, casting him one sad glance, realizing she was giving up her healthy, human life with a man that was human, too.
Jackie had waved goodbye, knowing she wouldn't see her daughter again - atleast not anytime soon. But she knew it was what Rose had wanted more than anything. She knew the Doctor would keep her safe.
But she hadn't been quite as sad as she should've been, because even if he had been the same man, he wasn't the right one.
Or atleast, that's what Rose had told him later that day.
And now, there they were a week later, Rose and the Doctor, sitting in the TARDIS, charging it up.
How easy it was to just jump back into routine. It felt wrong, how easy it was.
"Doctor, I still need a word for incomplete." Rose said, snapping the Doctor out of his thoughts.
"How about three. There are three words in my life that sum up the definition of 'incomplete' above any others." He said, getting up and walking up behind her, though she was still sitting in the chair.
"Which are?" Rose asked curious.
The Doctor bent down to whisper in her ear.
"Me without you."
"I don't think that fits in the blank..." Rose said, blushing red and turning her head to look up at him.
"I don't think that matters." He replied simply.
And that's when they kissed.
And that's when the crossword puzzle was very quickly left forgotten on the floor.
Rose never did get that crossword finished...