Disclaimer: No I don't own it.
AN: School is boring and sometimes when you are sitting in Physics with nothing to do your mind wanders.
Fantasies.
It was dangerous to live in these waking dreams. He knew that yet he could not stop. The would be, could be, and should be haunted him. Walking around the Enterprise and seeing the crewmembers was like a constant déjà-vu; all at once familiar and new.
Ever since he had met Spock Prime on Delta Vega the memories haunted him. A man with his face, but not him. Emotions felt so deeply they hurt, but he had not felt them. A love so strong that it crossed time and space, but he was not the one it was directed towards.
Sleeping, waking, eating, even just sitting called up the memories of a better place; a different place.
He knew that he should see someone. Tell someone. He knows that there must be some way to erase the echoes that were left from the meld, but how could he? For all he knew this would be the closest that he would ever get to being loved like this. It was not a surprise. He knew that some people just were not destined for that kind of care. After over twenty years, he knew that he was one of those people.
It was worse when he was near Spock alone. Over time, not only was he reliving old memories, but he imagined new scenarios.
Sometimes he would indulge himself. Lying in his bed, he would imagine what it would be like if he had the same relationship with his Spock as the one he saw in his dreams. It was oh so easy to pretend that they could have soft conversations talking of nothing and everything. A secret smile shared between friends, the softest of looks to convey unspoken feelings. The days where they were just sitting on the bridge with nothing to do, that was when the easy friendship that could be floated to the front of his mind. Sometimes there was even the hope of something more.
Being Captain meant that his casual flings were over. Sleeping with his crew would undermine his authority, not to mention it would be awkward to see his conquest every day. The self-imposed celibacy took its toll though. At first it was maddening being able to look but not touch. Times like these were when he cherished the more intimate memories left behind and the fantasies that were created as a result.
It wasn't always about sex though. In fact the other moments, the more personal ones were what he cherished. Being held in the arms of the person who loved him and whom he loved back. The brush of a mind that matched his own, warm and welcoming. A kiss that just barely touches his lips, yet expressed more than any kiss that he had had before.
If he needed something more explicit then it was easy enough to pretend. The soft moans. The slide of skin. Hot and sweaty. Slow and passionate. Breathy sighs. Guttural moans. Declarations of love. Building euphoria met with an eruption of ecstasy. Whether it was real or not didn't matter.
At this point it was all he had.
AN: So yeah. That was way more flowery sounding the second time around. If you notice any mistakes tell me and I will try to correct them. I usually have problems with tense and person. Please review and tell me what you think overall though. I really appreciate hearing what you think.