"This is terrible," the man muttered, "I just saved the entire universe and already the Prime Minister has turned into a vampire, the toothpick of destiny has been stolen and someone's trying to change the entire history of Camelot!"
A harsh beeping interrupted the man's ruminations. Running around the centre console he stood in front of, a grim expression washed over his face as he examined a flashing computer display.
"Now some be-quiffed prick has just started an intergalactic war over the proper use of grammar and the Galactic Federation's entire female population has spontaneously gone up two cup sizes! This just won't do! I'll put a stop to this, I'll make things right and crush any fool in my way!
Dramatic musing began playing as the man boldly declared his intentions. It was an awesome tune, one that was somehow was awesomer than any that had come before it, but one that was definitely called "Every Star Every Planet," NOT "I am the Doctor." To have his own awesome dramatic theme music named after him would make him seem like a massive knob.
"Right then old girl!" the man exclaimed as he leant over to plot a course. Giving the Tardis's central console a slap, he fiddled with some taps that made a giant glass dildo swing up and down in a very suggestive manner.
The dramatic music swelled as he stood up dramatically to emphasise the ensuing drama that would occur. No longer a dimly lit figure illuminated only by dim lighting and the reflections of computer displays, the man stepped into the light, revealing himself to the audience for the first time in a dramatic crescendo!
It was… THE DOCTOR!
The Doctor tried to say something but it couldn't be heard over the now ear-bleedingly loud music, until he finally found the TARDIS's mute button.
"AS I WAS SAYING… Ahem, I'll do it because I am the Doctor!"
"The only thing you'll be doing is me Doctor! Well, possibly Rory as well if he doesn't feel to shy." The red-headed figure strode proudly into the room, propositioning the Doctor whilst still wearing the wedding dress she had just hours ago (relatively speaking of course, chortle) married her husband Rory.
"Ah Amy, I thought we'd put this inappropriate attraction behind us? Obviously not, well please don't take this the wrong way Amy but I'd rather kill myself and try to regenerate as someone with an even sillier face than take part in your illicit sexual adventures. Those poor Silurians never looked at me the same again after I listened to your advice! Anyway, got to dash, GERONIMO!"
With that he ran out of the TARDIS's central room, hoping to escape into the labyrinthine corridors of the TARDIS. Unfortunately he was only able to find his private study, a room stuffed full of nick-nacks that he couldn't quite remember collecting.
"What kind of idiot would wear a scarf around their neck?" he wondered. "Now bowties, on the other hand…" His trail of speech tapered off as he spotted something lying on the mantelpiece. "Now why on earth would I have a card about Orange Jellybabies? Or one detailing the cybermen's backstory? Am I going senile? Do I have schizophrenia?"
The Doctor tried to leave the disturbing room and go somewhere else in the Tardis, like the library or wherever the swimming pool was now, but unfortunately he could only find the central console room and the upsettingly shit study. It was as if someone really shit was in charge of telling the story, though at least that person had a better excuse than Charles fuckmothering Cecil for this story's idiocy.
"Oh well, time to be off" the Doctor though to himself, checking the TARDIS's controls. Unfortunately as he'd failed to enter in the co-ordinates within 60 seconds the last time he'd been at the controls, he had to do it again, and again and again and again. On the fifth try the TARDIS lurched to life with that pleasant sound and sensation of rumbling engines, which certainly wasn't caused by him leaving the handbrake on.
"Lets try this again shall we?" The Doctor enquired with a wink to the audience. "This never happened to that other chap… Well then, GERONIMO!"
-Cue Main Theme-