This is my first Twilight fic so...bear with me. It's in Edward's point of view, has vampires, and is after Breaking Dawn. I might write what Alice does to Edward if I think of anything good (suggestions are most welcome). Thank you, Kim for asking the question that led to the idea of this story! :D Without you, life would be a plain sugar cookie without even any frosting instead of the peanut butter chip, chocolate chip, and heath-pieces oatmeal cookie it is with you!

Disclaimer: If, in fact, I were Stephenie Meyer, there would be no need for a disclaimer, so the fact that there is one should speak for itself.

Today, Alice had managed to get Bella to go shopping with her. Carlisle and Esme were on their way to Isle Esme for their anniversary. Rosalie planned to mess around with some of the cars. Judging by Emmett's thoughts though, she wasn't going to. Jasper, having felt Emmett's mood, had made himself scarce too. Jacob was taking Renesmee to First Beach. He'd originally intended to take her cliff diving, but the strong objections from Bella and I had put an end to that, so he'd settled for First Beach. And me? Well, I'd opted to be with Bella (even if that meant shopping with Alice) rather than anywhere near the house.

Now we were in Alice's Porsche, on our way to Seattle. Alice was driving (so we'd actually make it there before dark), Bella riding shotgun, and me in the back. I would have preferred Bella to sit in the back with me, but at least I could still touch her arms, neck, cheek, and hair. Alice, choosing to be oblivious to my hands and the reactions they were getting from Bella, babbled on about everything she wanted to get.

Roughly an hour later, we made it to the Northgate Mall. One of many on Alice's list of malls to go to.

We went to Nordstrom's first. I wasn't paying too much attention to where in Nordstrom's we were headed because I had other things on my mind. Mainly, the fancy underwear from Sweden Alice had given me. And the itchy tags on those boxer briefs. I was following Alice and Bella silently when something cut in.

"Holy crap they're hot!"

My head whipped around, my attention now held by a man holding two children and standing with a woman by the jewelry case who was thinking filthy thoughts about my sister, and more importantly, my wife. I fixed a glare on him, pleased when he looked away from Bella and his thoughts turned to me.

We turned a corner and he was out a sight. I pushed his thoughts about me away and focused on shifting the bothersome tags to a hopefully less itchy position. I hadn't noticed I'd been walking funny until I saw Bella staring at me with a confused, curious, and mostly amused look on her face. Alice had stopped to look at something hanging into the aisle. Bella's eyes closed as she concentrated.

"What…" a laugh, "are you doing? Why are you walking like that?"

Over the past year, she'd made excellent progress on lifting her shield, allowing me to hear her thoughts. I winced as she remembered how I'd been walking just now. I looked ridiculous. Not so bad if I were human, but rather funny because of who – or what – I was.

I shook my head at Bella, answering her question, and mouthed "It's nothing". Normally, I would have just said it low enough for only her to hear. But I didn't want to get any looks from Alice. Bella's perfect brow furrowed. Obviously she was still concerned about me. If only she knew it was merely itchy Swedish tags. Her eyes closed again, preparing to lift her shield and tell me something else. Alice interrupted then (before I'd had a chance to hear anything from Bella besides "What's–"), dragging Bella forward.

I followed them again. Passing a girl, twenty or so by the looks of it and probably considered pretty if not compared to my Bella, who was mopping up something a couple feet away. Her mouth fell open when she saw me.

"Oh yeah! He is so incredibly hot!"

Then she noticed I was with Bella and Alice and her eyes narrowed, envious.

"Figures. The hottest guy I've ever seen and he has to be with them. Why can't I––I just want to––"

I tuned out her thoughts as they started to flick between different ones faster and became somewhat violent.

When I turned back to Alice and Bella, they were gone. I could smell they'd gone in the dressing room though, and I could hear Alice trying something on as Bella tried to protest not buying something.

Spying a taller, circular rack with pants on it, I decided to solve my underwear problem.

"Edward? Alice says I need these, but I wanted to get your opinion first."

I stopped a few feet away from my destination. Bella had let down her shield again? What would she want my opinion abou––Oh! It clicked. The department where we were, Bella wanting my opinion. I closed my eyes trying to concentrate on hearing Bella and only Bella.

"What do you think?" she asked.

I caught the briefest glance of lace before someone cut in. Loudly. Very loudly.

"What do you think you're doing?! I saw what you planned to do to the underwear I got especially for you!!"

It was Alice. A very upset Alice.

"You haven't changed your mind yet," she fumed. They were just tags, why they were so important?

I saw another brief flash of the lace from the lingerie Bella was trying to show me. Oh how I wanted to get back to that, but Alice was still screeching.

"Don't you dare! I picked those out specifically for you!"

I decided to just end it all and started towards the rack again, careful to keep my pace human in case there was someone watching that I couldn't hear thanks to Alice.

"Edward! I swear if you do that I will hurt you."

Once in the empty middle of it, I hunched over so I wouldn't be seen by anyone passing by. I reached behind me.

"So help me, I will Edward! Edward!"

The damn tags were sewed on! Alice's vision I'd seen suddenly made sense. If I used my hands, the boxer briefs would end up just like she'd seen. Hmm. There was another way.

Her vision changed and she smirked. "Good boy."

No longer trying to keep my speed human, I undid my jeans and pulled them and my underwear off. I bet Bella would love this. Me, in the middle of a rack of pants, naked from the waist down. I wondered briefly what decision she'd made about the lingerie, before returning to the task at hand.

Alice's vision changed again. "Edward! The tags are important!"

I ignored her and, in one silent, fluid motion, ripped the tags out with my teeth.

"Am I crazy or is there someone in that pants rack?!"

That wasn't Alice. Not good, not good. I put my clothes back on with inhuman speed.

"I. Am. Going. To. Hurt. You."

Ah. Alice again.

I could smell the owner of the somewhat familiar voice coming closer, so I grabbed a pair of pants from the opposite direction of them, out of their line of site, and stepped out right in front of them.

I inwardly groaned. It was the girl with the mop from before. She smiled in what, I imagine, was supposed to be an alluring way, her thoughts just a continuous string of dirty.

"These fell down," was all I said as I hung the pants back up.

Alice and Bella emerged from the dressing room then. Alice with five or six things draped over her arm, Bella with only one. I didn't have time to see exactly what Bella was holding due to the withering glare Alice had trained on me. Tiny little pixie or not, she had a fierce glare.

As they joined me, Bella smiled at Mop Girl, who just scowled in return.

Throughout the rest of the shopping expedition, Alice kept up an almost constant glare in my direction, and Bella kept letting down her shield to ask me what it was about.