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Prologue (7/14/08)
It was a green lunchbox.
"Get your toy car."
"No!"
"Come on! Why not?"
"It's too special!"
"Don't be a baby!"
"Okay, fine."
"When do you think we'll find it again?"
"In twenty zillion years."
"But we'll be dead!"
"No, it will be the future."
"So?"
"So they will have invented ways for us to live forever."
"Okay. But how will we find each other?"
"We'll be married."
"Think so?"
"Yeah. We'll have seventy kids."
"Cool."
"Yup."
"Dustin?"
"Yea?"
"You're my best friend ever."
"You are too."
"Thanks."
"Hey, Mariah? I have a secret."
"What is it? Tell me!"
"No!"
"Why not?"
"It's too big of a secret!"
"Please? Dustin!"
"Ok fine…my secret is…"
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
"I love you too."
"Let's get married."
"Okay."
One
Twenty years later, things had changed. Okay, it wasn't twenty zillion years into the future where humans are now immortal and robots do our chores. No, it was just twenty years later. And we were all getting older each day.
Ever since high school, I had tried to forget about Dustin Montgomery. It pained me to think about him. I hated the very thought of that blond-haired, blue-eyed boy. Even if he turned ninety years old, he would still be a boy and never a man.
Unfortunately, I had dedicated the first eighteen years of my life to this boy, and my three other best friends, Angie, Valerie and Don. Sixteen of those years had been the best ever. My childhood was amazing. I could have written a full dictionary filled with all the slang words we used. I could have filled a house with all the precious artifacts we had found or bought. I could have filled a drawer full of all the pictures we took together.
The times I had with Dustin, Angie, Valerie and Don were so memorable that they were implanted in my mind indefinitely. It seemed as though they were a part of me, like if they were missing, I would be a very different person.
After high school, Dustin and I never spoke. Ever.
That was the end of my childhood.
After my fight with Dustin, my other friends and I were still nice to each other. But eventually, they all started drifting away. I started sitting by myself, telling them all I wanted was to be alone. Eventually, Angie, Valerie and Don were separated from me, from Dustin, and from each other.
It took me two years to move on after my fight with Dustin and three more years to find someone else I could truly connect with. Of course, I could never connect with anyone like I did with Dustin, but Ursula was close enough.
I met Ursula in college. She was my roommate junior year. When I met her, I was broken. She fixed me, or at least halfway. Of course, it took me a month or two to trust her enough to let her know the whole story.
But in time, I told her the "Dustin Story" as we called it. She said it was the most interesting thing she had ever heard, but that might have been because nobody really told her anything interesting.
Ursula was the kind of girl you would have a five-minute conversation with and then would get a headache. But she was perfect for me. I never got tired of her overly excited attitude towards everything. She was perky, hyper, outgoing, extravagant and perfect. She was my best friend.
But no friendship could compare with Dustin's and mine.
This notion haunted me like nothing else. It brought tears each night and confusion each day. Each memory was another painful cut to cure. Even if cured, they would all still leave a scar.
But even so, Ursula made sure I didn't have to remember every incident with Dustin very often. If I did, it was at night when she was sound asleep or during a class, where I was too distracted to concentrate on the lecture and she wasn't there to stop me.
It came to the point where thinking about Dustin was like having a nervous breakdown and every time I had one, I had to take an hour or so to calm down.
And then there were the times when I would come home for the summer and be looking through my old bedroom or some old boxes and find a diary with Dustin's name scrawled all across the inside in various colors and sizes or maybe a picture of him. Then, I had to hold it in.
My parents had known the "Dustin Story", or at least my mom did. I told her all about it when it happened, and I told her not to tell Dad, but I think she let it slip anyway. It wasn't hard for them to figure out that I was depressed back then. I was a confused heart-broken high school girl, and they knew they couldn't help me.
Dustin, Angie, Valerie and Don had been my only friends in high school, and once we stopped being friends, I felt alone all the time. Of course, I probably had some other good friends, but I couldn't trust any one of them. I guess you could say I had trust issues after my incident with Dustin.
In time, Dustin became one solitary memory. If I thought about him, a whole corner of my mind would explode with memories of childhood and depression until I calmed down enough to compile them back into the corner of my mind they came from.
Then I met Harvey.
Two
I was fifteen years old.
"Dustin." I was at his bedroom door, tears streaming down my face.
"Mariah! What's the matter, sweetie?" Dustin said, standing up from his bed and running to my side.
"Jamie…" I whispered the word out, and the pain overcame me.
I lay down on Dustin's bed and cried hysterically, hugging his pillow.
"What happened, honey?" Dustin lay down, facing me, and rubbed my shoulder with his warm and comforting hands.
"He..." I couldn't get out any more words before I broke out in another crying fit.
I must have been shivering, because Dustin pulled the covers over my weak body and hugged me softly.
"It's okay Mariah." Dustin whispered into my ear.
"No it's not!" A buried my face in his chest and cried harder.
Dustin waited while I cried. But he knew the basic concept of why I was hysterical.
"He broke up with you." It wasn't a question.
"Yes! Jamie!" I clenched Dustin's shirt in my fists and pulled myself even deeper into his solid chest.
"Mariah…" He whispered. His voice seemed shaky.
"What?" I asked, angry and still teary eyed.
"I'm sorry, sweetie."
"Me too. I'm sorry I ever met him." I went from shock to anger in an instant.
"Why, was he mean about it?" Dustin asked, pulling me back and looking into my teary eyes.
"Yes!" I cried.
"What happened? What did he say?"
"He said that he didn't love me anymore. How can you love someone one day and not love them the next?" I muttered in rage.
"I don't know, Mariah. Maybe…"
"Maybe what?"
"Don't get mad, but maybe he just wasn't right for you."
"Yea, I know what you mean." I said as another tear fell down my nose to Dustin's green pillowcase.
"Guys are disappointing sometimes, believe me I know, I am one."
I laughed a little.
"But you just have to realize that sometimes, we boys can be scum."
Another tear fell down my cheek.
"Mariah…" Dustin held my face in his warm hand and wiped my tears away with his thumb.
"Promise me something." I whispered.
"Anything."
"Promise that even if you are a scummy boy, you'll be my best friend forever no matter what." The words flew out of my mouth without warning.
Dustin smiled his famous smile and nodded softly, "Okay."
There was a pause as the stress and sadness wore off, leaving only drowsiness. I wanted to sleep but I needed to know for sure that he would always be my best friend.
"Say it." I said, as my tired eyes closed.
"I promise, Mariah. I will be your best friend forever."
"Good." I stated, half-consciously.
Dustin laughed and kissed the top of my forehead before I fell asleep entirely on his bed.
Before I woke up I heard an "I love you."
Three
"Mariah, let's go out tomorrow night." Harvey nudged my shoulder, smiling suspiciously.
"Okay," I blinked and sighed, "Where?"
"Well, I was thinking we could go to that supposedly amazing Italian place on seventeenth." Harvey smiled again.
"What?" I asked accusingly.
"Nothing! Do you want to go or what?" he looked at me and smiled again.
"Of course I want to go! I'm obsessed with Italian food, in case you forgot."
"I could never."
Harvey stood from the couch where we sat together, all four of our feet propped on the coffee table. He tossed the TV remote in my lap as he stood and walked towards the kitchen, in search of food.
I followed him and watched as he shuffled through the cupboards in search of fattening snacks.
"How do you stay so skinny?" I asked, folding my arms and leaning on the wall.
"I work out." Harvey smiled with his mouth full of cupcake.
I rolled my eyes.
"Want some?" he laughed, walking towards me.
"No. I'm not hungry for Hostess. Plus, it's ten at night, I'm not hungry at all!" I raised my eyebrows, staring at the chocolate lining his mouth and laughed.
"Too bad, you're going to get some anyway." Harvey laughed as he grabbed my fragile waist and kissed me.
I kissed him back, still laughing.
"Told you." He said as he pulled away.
"Is there chocolate on my…"
Before I could finish he shoved the remainder of the cupcake in my mouth and walked away laughing triumphantly.
"Very funny!" I called after him.
He laughed louder on purpose.
I felt the usual sting of pain course through my body. The pain was usual, but not at this random time of day. I normally felt it in bed, when I was quiet and calm and thinking about Dustin. But somehow, it seemed to happen now, before bed.
I realized with a jolt that possibly, Harvey's unusual good mood had brought this searing pain. Normally, Harvey was a polite, caring and sensitive man. But his good mood had brought with it his childish and carefree side. This reminded me of Dustin.
Most of the time, Harvey's work schedule frustrated him, and he came home crabby and tired. But today, he seemed happy and calm. It surprised me.
I retrieved a rag from the kitchen sink to wipe my face of the excess chocolate as I thought of Dustin and the pain grew.
"I made reservations for tomorrow, okay?" Harvey called from the office.
"Okay." I called back, and my voice cracked as I held my stomach and winced.
"They're for six, so be ready by five-thirty."
"Alright." I said, almost to myself.
"Wear something pretty!" he said in a childish tone.
I giggled although another jolt of pain rose through me.
I then remembered which Italian restaurant he was referring to. It just happened to be the extremely expensive, highly formal and extremely difficult-to-get-into Pablo's Pasta & Pizza on Seventeenth Street. And it just happened to be my favorite restaurant.
"What's the occasion for Pablo's?" I asked curiously, unfolding my arms and pretending to be busy cleaning the counter as he walked back into the kitchen.
"Just felt like something fancy." Harvey shrugged and flashed me his brilliantly unique smile again.
"Okay…" I raised an eyebrow.
He washed his hands from the chocolate in silence and then walked buoyantly back into the office, probably to check his email.
In the year I had lived with and loved Harvey Nelson, he never liked fancy restaurants. In fact, he avoided them every chance he got. Ironically, Pablo's had been my favorite restaurant since I was old enough to attend there. Harvey's favorite restaurant was the Westerfeild Bar & Grill.
As he left, I hugged my stomach again. I leaned my back against the wall and took three deep breaths.
Dustin. Dustin. Dustin. Dustin. Harvey.
I relaxed. This was my method. I would only let my feelings for Dustin come over me for five seconds, and then I would concentrate solely on Harvey and how much I loved him.
And it was true. I did love Harvey. I loved him more than anything in the world. He was my soul mate, my dream, my true love. It sounded so cheesy, but it was so true.
When I was a teenager, I always pictured my future husband to be just like Harvey. Amazingly caring, romantic and fun. That was my dream husband. I felt honored to have Harvey actually be mine. I felt like a princess every day.
The phone rang suddenly, making me gasp.
"I'll get it." I called, turning sharply towards the nearest phone and diving for it. I didn't know why I was so excited to get this call.
"Hello?" I said in my little-girl voice.
"Mariah!" Ursula's bright and cheery voice shrieked on the other end.
"Ursula!" I sang.
"I'm bored. Let's talk." Ursula said.
"Where's Ken?" I asked. Ursula and her boyfriend, Ken, were always together, and on most weekends, they went out to dinner together.
"He went off doing business or something in Florida." Ursula sounded annoyed.
"I see." I laughed.
"So what's up?" Ursula asked.
"I'm going out with my hottie tomorrow night." I said playfully.
"I know I amhot!" Harvey called from the office.
I laughed.
"Well you sound cheery today, don't you, missy?" Ursula pointed out.
I didn't realize how happy and bright I was today. I was so focused on Harvey's amazingly good mood that I didn't stop to think about mine. I was more childish and excited than usual. I had no idea why.
"Yea, I guess I do." I said.
"Why?" Ursula turned on her gossip voice, as if I had something important to tell her.
"I don't know." I lowered my voice, "Well, Harvey's acting strange…"
"Oh my gosh. Where are you guys going tomorrow?" Ursula gasped.
"Pablo's. I don't know why, he hates it there. Plus, it's really expensive." I said, almost whispering so that Harvey wouldn't hear.
"Oh my goodness!" Ursula shrieked.
"What? Ouch, that was loud!" I said, flinching away from the phone.
"Sorry, but I think I know why he's taking you there…and acting weird." Ursula let out a cry of excitement, "What else did he tell you?"
I thought for a minute and then said, "Well, he told me to wear something nice…"
"Oh my gosh! I am so right. I'm amazing at reading guys." Ursula complimented herself.
"We know, we know. But why do you think he's acting weird?" I asked.
"I'm not going to tell you! It's a surprise!" Ursula shrieked again.
"Okay, I'm getting a headache from your screaming, I'm going to hang up, now." I groaned.
"Oh, fine. But tomorrow, you'll understand why I'm so excited." Ursula sighed.
"Alright, bye, darling." I rolled my eyes and smiled.
"Bye, Mariah."
I hung up the phone and sighed deeply.
Suddenly, another sharp jab of pain erupted within me. It was more intense than before, and I found myself wincing in pain and clutching my stomach once more.
It confused me at why it suddenly felt so strong. I hadn't been talking about or thinking about anything to do with Dustin during my phone call with Ursula.
I took a massive breath before counting to five in my head.
Dustin. Dustin. Dustin. Dustin. Harvey.
It was over.
Before I could let anymore of this go on, I walked briskly towards Harvey, tripping along the way.
Down the hall, my feet felt warm and cozy on the carpet as opposed to the cold hard tile of the kitchen. I walked down the hall towards the office, where I gracefully slid in to find him.
Harvey was facing his back towards me, staring intently at the computer screen in front of him.
Silently, I crept towards him. He still did not notice me. I was grateful for that. I loved surprising him. I stood directly behind him, and smiled at the way his hair fell so perfectly across the back of his neck.
Still standing over him I slid both my hands down his shoulders and across his chest.
"Mariah." He said softly, grabbing one of my hands.
I bent my head down and kissed his neck softly and whispered in his ear, "What?"
Still kissing him on the neck, again and again, I moved my body in front of his and sat on his lap holding his face in my delicate hands.
He smiled and replied, "Nothing."
Still holding his face, I kissed his lips softly and delicately. He held my waist and kissed me back, laughing a little.
"What's so funny?" I asked accusingly, pulling back.
He laughed louder and pulled me closer.
"Nothing at all, except I love you." He said against my lips.
I wanted to say I love you, too, but I lost myself in the moment. Here I was, kissing the most amazing man in the entire world. He was my world. I loved him more than the world itself. Nothing at all could change that, except for one thing.
Dustin. Dustin. Dustin. Dustin. Harvey.
I gasped.
"What's wrong?" he asked worriedly, holding my face in his gentle hand and caressing my neck with the other.
"Nothing." I sighed.
He leaned back in and his hand slid from my neck down to my waist.
The way his lips touched mine was unlike any kiss I'd ever experienced. That night, Harvey's kiss was different. There was something about it that I was amazed by, and slightly afraid of at the same time. It made my head spin.
Harvey. Harvey. Harvey. Harvey. Harvey.
Dustinwould not be here tonight. Not at all. It was all Harvey.
My head was spinning violently now. And suddenly, a memory came.
Dustin.
I gasped suddenly.
"What is it?" Harvey asked, kissing my neck now.
No. Not Dustin. Go away, Dustin. Harvey, now. All Harvey.
I could hardly see. My head was pounding and I felt as if I might collapse. I held onto Harvey's shirt, digging my nails through the fabric.
"Mariah?" Harvey whispered in my ear.
"What?" I wasn't sure if I had actually said the word.
"Mariah?" Harvey asked again, pulling away and holding my face in his hands.
My eyes were flooding now, and finally the tears spilled over, leaving a trail on my cheeks. I breathed carefully, but I was still hysterical.
"Why are you crying? What's the matter?" Harvey asked me.
When I didn't respond he kept on asking, saying my name softly and holding me in his arms, comforting me.
Dustin.
"I…" I managed to whisper.
"Yes?" Harvey looked extremely worried.
"I…um…just…" I couldn't manage to say anything. I needed to be alone, but I couldn't tell him.
I stood from his lap and walked slowly and carefully towards the bedroom. I could hardly see, for the tears had made everything look blurry.
Once if felt the soft pillow on my cheek, I felt better, but my head still pounded and my eyes would not cease to water.
The tears spilled faster now and I felt sick. Of course, this had happened many times before, but today it seemed pretty bad.
Harvey was there, holding my face, calling my name hysterically. I probably looked like I was dying.
These episodes used to happen every day. In college, Ursula would have to hug me tightly for hours until the memories went away. I would eventually fall asleep in her arms, horribly depressed and terribly exhausted.
But she wasn't here to help me through it. Harvey was here, but he didn't know of these episodes. He didn't know about Dustin at all.
Harvey held me, and he cried as well.
And another memory came.
Four
I was thirteen years old.
"Where's Dustin?" I asked.
"He's at his locker getting your Valentine's Day gift." Weiss told me.
Weiss was Dustin's older brother. He was sort of like my older brother too. I loved him just as much as I might love my own brother. Unfortunately, I didn't have any siblings, but Weiss was a great substitute.
"He got me a gift?" I said, excitedly.
"Yes. It's nice." Weiss said.
I laughed.
"I would have gotten you one, too, if I remembered it was Valentine's Day." Weiss laughed.
"You mean you forgot my favorite holiday?" I gasped.
"I'm not a fan of Valentine's Day. I prefer Super Bowl Sunday." Weiss smiled at me.
"That's probably my dad's favorite holiday too." I laughed.
Although Weiss was four years older than us, he was still fun to talk to. And standing in front of my school that day, waiting for Dustin so Weiss could drive us home, I felt that I had grown even closer to Weiss.
"So what did Dustin get me?" I asked curiously.
"I'm not telling!" Weiss smiled.
"Why not?" I demanded.
"You know, I don't understand why you children insist on knowing what your gifts are before you open them." Weiss said, almost to himself.
"Hey, we are teenagers, not children." I pointed my nasty finger at him.
He ignored me, "Shouldn't gifts be a surprise? Shouldn't the best part of receiving gifts be when you unwrap it?"
"I guess…" I said.
"See? Mariah, you are too a kid." Weiss rubbed my head, messing up my hair.
"Hey! My hair was perfect this morning!"
"And now it's not."
We both laughed as I smoothed my hair back down. I spotted Dustin, running across the parking lot. His backpack was falling off his shoulder and he held a poorly wrapped gift in both hands, trying desperately not to drop it.
"I bet Dustin wants to be your Valentine." Weiss teased.
"What? Weiss!" I said, annoyed.
Finally, Dustin reached the car. He was out of breath, yet still a smile was glued on his face.
"Sorry, Weiss. My locker is all the way…"
"Yea, yea, I don't care, let's just go." Weiss smiled and hopped in the drivers seat.
Dustin and I climbed in the back of the car together. I eyed the gift in his hands curiously. What could Dustin, of all people, possibly give me for Valentine's Day?
When Weiss started the car, Dustin held the gift out to me.
"I didn't get you anything!" I complained.
"I don't care." He smiled and blushed.
"Oh, fine." I grabbed it from his hands and held it in my own.
"Careful! It might break!" Dustin warned.
I unwrapped the gift, ripping the paper as I went.
One minute, it was a blob of red wrapping paper, and the next it was beautiful. It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.
I held it in my hands carefully, afraid that if Weiss ran over one little pothole, my gift might go flying.
"Do you like it?" Dustin asked, excitedly.
"I…" I had no idea what to say. It was amazing, gorgeous, beautiful. It was everything I dreamed of.
"Well?" He demanded.
"I…I love it!" I shrieked.
"Really?"
"It's fabulous! Outstanding! It's the best gift I've ever received!" I kept staring at the little thing, and then I stared at Dustin's excited face.
"Seriously?" He hardly believed me.
"Dustin! It's beautiful! There are no words…" I glanced back at my gift.
"You're welcome." Dustin shrugged, smiling, and blushed.
"Dustin! Thank you so much! It's amazing!" I said, hugging him deeply.
He sighed, "Love you." He whispered in my ear.
"Love you, too." I kissed his cheek and then stared at the wondrous gift in my hands.
In my hands I held a snow globe. But it was hardly just a snow globe. It was more like a crystal ball. The base was silver with light pink words etched into it. It said, "True friendships like ours can last a lifetime."
Inside the glass ball, a white castle sat. It was perfectly carved out of some kind of marble. When I tipped the globe upside down, to watch the confetti fall on my castle, I saw something on the bottom of the base.
It was a wind-up key. I twisted it a couple times and held the gift to my ear. It played a soft, sweet, melody. I had never heard it before, but somehow I knew it would always be my favorite song.
Five
"Mariah!" Harvey cried, still holding me gently in his arms.
"Harvey…" I said through painful tears.
"Mariah, what's the matter? Why are you crying, sweetie?" Harvey said frantically, holding my face once more.
"I just…" How could I tell him that I was thinking of another man?
"What?" He asked when I hesitated.
"I don't know what's wrong with me." I said after a moment.
"Oh, Mariah." He held me closer and I buried my face in his chest, crying violently and shaking worse than ever.
He held me tightly, trying to calm the spasms my body kept creating. I could hardly breathe, for the sadness stung my throat and the mucus clogged my chest.
"Mariah." Harvey's voice shook with confusion and worry.
"Harvey." I cried.
"I love you, Mariah." Harvey cried.
I wanted to tell him how much I loved him. He meant so much to me. He was the most amazing guy I had ever known, with one exception of course. But somehow, I couldn't tell him how much he meant to me. I couldn't speak at all.
"What is it? Why won't you tell me what's wrong?" Harvey said, still crying.
"Oh, Harvey." I said through hysterics.
"Do you not love me anymore? Is that it?" Harvey cried. I looked up to see pure agony on his face.
"Harvey! No!" I held his face, feeling his wet tears on my palms and wishing they weren't there, "I love you! I do!"
"I wanted you to say that…" Harvey half laughed.
"Say what?" I said, the tears finally clearing a bit.
"Never mind…" He said, looking at his feet.
My tremors had finally stopped and all I could do now was breathe.
"Feeling better?" Harvey whispered.
"Yes." I sighed.
"You're so beautiful." He hugged me tighter.
Another memory started to fill my mind, but I stopped it in its tracks. I practiced my method once more.
Dustin. Dustin. Dustin. Dustin. Harvey.
I breathed deeply as he kissed the top of my head and breathed in the scent of my hair.
I felt instantly better as I remembered that the man I loved was sitting right beside me, holding me, loving me.
The memories were over today. It was a terrible day. Never had I experienced that much pain in one day, just from the memories of Dustin.
But they were over, and I felt relieved and even happy at that thought.
I sighed and smiled a little, but Harvey didn't notice.
I looked up at him, and his face shocked me. He still wore the worst expression of agony and pain. He looked awful and tears still trickled down his cheeks.
"Harvey! I'm sorry! I love you! I love you more than anything!" I said frantically, holding his face and feeling guilty instantly.
"Mariah, it's okay. I was just scared that you didn't love me, that's all." Harvey looked at his feet.
"Harvey." I whispered, stroking his hair.
"It's so scary to think that…" Harvey's voice shook once more.
"But it's not true! I love you." I said truthfully.
"I know. And I love you." He said, staring into my eyes.
"I'm glad." I kissed him gently on his warm lips.
Now Dustin was gone. Harvey was here to stay for the night.
Six
I was fourteen years old.
"First day of high school!" Angie squealed as we walked towards our new school.
"Angie, it's seven in the morning, not so loud." Valerie scowled.
"I know, but aren't you excited? Even though it's early, it's the first day of school! Come on! Cheer up!" Angie said.
"Angie, you have got to be kidding me. The first day of school is the worst day of school." I said, groaning.
"I'm excited." Don stated, "New teachers, new classes. It's going to be great."
"I'm not excited for the school work, are you crazy?" Angie said, "I'm excited for all the new people! New friends, new guys…" She sighed.
"Angie, you have like four boyfriends a week, you don't need new guys." Dustin laughed.
"Whatever." She ignored him and stared at the school, walking even faster.
"I hate school. Summer, the best time of the year, is over. No more beach, no more theme parks, no more fun." Valerie said.
"Yeah…" I agreed.
We finally arrived at the front gates, and I slowly walked through.
Dustin and I had to practically drag Valerie through the gates and into our brand new school.
"Another year…" Valerie said.
"Come on, we're that much closer to graduation." Dustin said.
"True…" Valerie said, smoothing her beautiful black hair as an older boy smiled at her.
"See, Val? You might find a new guy!" Angie squealed.
"No thanks, Angela darling. I'm still wallowing in my own misery." Valerie sighed.
"Cause of Kale? Oh just forget about him, he was dumb anyway." Angie rolled her eyes.
I remembered Kale suddenly. He had been Valerie's boyfriend, but had suddenly dumped her, out of the blue, one fatal summer day.
"How could I?" Valerie asked rhetorically.
"Hey." An unfamiliar voice behind me made me jump.
I whipped around to face a totally new, amazingly handsome boy. His brown hair was styled perfectly across his face.
"Hey." I said, trying to sound sweet.
"Do you know where room 103 is?" he asked in a deep voice.
"Is that your first class?" I asked.
"Yeah." He smiled.
"Mine too." I said, remembering the number from the schedule in my pocket I had already memorized.
"Good. Let's go find it." He said.
I turned to face my four best friends who were already looking around for their first classes.
"I'll see you guys later." I promised.
"Okay! Buy Mariah!" Angie skipped over to give me a friendly hug.
I gave Valerie a quick squeeze to cheer her up, and Don another.
I turned to Dustin next.
"Bye, Dustin. Hope you all find your classes. I'll see you at lunch." I said softly as I hugged him.
"Bye, Mariah. I'm glad we're back to school. I get to see you every day now." He said, holding me a bit longer than I expected.
I laughed, "Me too."
I followed the boy towards what looked like the correct building and then waved back at my friends.
"Bye! Love you guys!" I said.
"Love you too." Dustin said.
"So, what's your name?" I asked, turning back to the amazing boy beside me.
"Jamie. That's my name. Yours?" He said, smiling widely at me.
"I'm Mariah." I said, blushing.
"Mariah, huh? Can I call you Mary?" he asked.
"Why?"
"It's simpler. I like it."
"Okay, Jamie."
"Okay, Mary."
It was then that I realized that Dustin was the only one who had responded when I'd said goodbye.
Seven
"Here we are, madam." Harvey said in a fake British accent as he opened my car door for me.
His delightful, carefree mood helped me relax a bit. I still felt a little dizzy from the previous night of agony and horrid memories. But Harvey helped. He always did.
"Why thank you, kind sir." I said jokingly as I stepped out of the car.
He took my hand, intertwining his fingers with mine and staring intently into my eyes with a smile. We walked to the restaurant, not speaking, but smiling and flirting.
I wore my favorite dress: a casual but beautiful and sophisticated red cocktail dress. It was just plain red, but I adored its simplicity. It flowed gracefully as I walked and as the wind blew. I loved it. My hair was styled curly the way Harvey liked it. I had applied a little makeup, which was rare for me.
Harvey kept telling me how beautiful I looked.
When we were seated and situated at a booth inside of Pablo's, I felt excitement ball up within me. I didn't know why, but for some reason I felt intrigued by Harvey's purpose for this expensive date.
We chatted through the night, talking about his job (which he quickly dismissed), new movies, and our favorite television show. He told me stories of his family, when his sister had set a cake on fire when he was a child, or when his mother had run over a bird and Harvey had insisted on giving it a proper burial.
We ate our food, still chatting, and surprisingly Harvey found something on the menu that he liked. He ordered the most expensive food for me, of course, but I ate without complaints.
When our bill was paid and our food was eaten, we still sat, talking, and staring into each other's eyes.
"So are you ever going to tell me?" I asked, staring at him from across the table.
"Tell you what?" Harvey responded. His eyes gleamed in the dim lights. Their blue elegance never failed to intrigue me.
"Why are you taking me to Pablo's? It's so formal and it's too expensive. And besides, you don't like it!" I said.
"I liked it!" he protested.
I gave him a meaningful look.
Harvey scooted on the circular booth towards me and I did the same. He took my hand and kissed my limp fingers passionately.
I sighed deeply and stared at him.
"Can't a man spoil his girl once in a while?" Harvey smiled and fiddled with my hair, twirling it through his fingers.
"I guess so." I smiled.
"I'm glad. I love to make you happy." Harvey kissed me softly, sighing.
But it was a different kiss than all the others he had given me. It seemed more special, like it had more love built into it. It made me even dizzier.
I sighed as he gently placed his warm hand on my waist and kissed me again.
"Let's go. It's too warm in here." Harvey said, leaning back.
"Okay." I smiled.
We stood from the booth and he took my hand with a sly smile. He led me out of the restaurant and towards the exit.
Once I felt the icy wind on my face, I did feel much better. The stuffy restaurant had made me feel uncomfortable.
"It's nice out." Harvey commented, looking around.
I nodded in agreement.
He looked at the fountain that sat outside the restaurant. He smiled once more and led me too it, taking my waist and staring at me.
The fountain was beautiful. It was large enough so that people could sit on the stone steps leading to it. Teenage couples often sat at it and children threw coins into it when they walked past with their mothers.
It spurt water in a continuous pattern and lights from underneath lit up the water in bright and beautiful colors.
Harvey and I sat on the concrete steps of the fountain. He held my waist and kissed my neck, laughing.
"You're dress…" He said, looking at me, dazed.
"What about it."
"It's beautiful. You're beautiful. I love you." Harvey smiled.
I kissed him, smiling.
He held my waist passionately and kissed me back. My stomach turned excitedly and my heart pounded.
My heartbeat was faster than normal and I could hear it all around. It shocked me, how fast it was going. I kept kissing Harvey, but I was amazed at how loud my heart sounded. But I then felt it in my chest, and it drummed a different rhythm than the heartbeat I heard. I suddenly realized that the strong, fast, loud heartbeat was Harvey's.
I gasped.
"What?" he asked, shock spread on his face, expecting me to cry again.
"Your heart!" I whispered.
"What about it?" He asked.
I lay a hand on his chest gently and felt the pounding of his heart against it. "It's beating so fast!" I smiled and laughed.
"I know." He smiled and looked at the ground, blushing.
"Harvey!" I laughed, "Why is it doing that?"
"I don't know…I guess I'm…" He hesitated, "I just love the way you kiss."
"We'll have to do more of that then." I smiled, kissing him again.
He laughed and said against my lips, "We will forever and ever…"
I sighed gently. Forever? I wished it could last that long.
He kissed me again, and my heart seemed to skip a beat.
I had kissed Harvey a thousand times. Each singular kiss meant something different. It always had a different meaning. But each kiss was filled with love and passion. Even just a peck on the lips was passionate to me.
But somehow, when he kissed me there on those steps, it was different. The way that he kissed me that day was unlike anything I had ever experienced. It was new and fresh and unbelievable. There was so much love and passion that I knew something was coming. I knew that my life would be different from now on, although I didn't know why. But this was confirmed by what he said next.
"Marry me." Harvey whispered against my neck.
I let out a short breath of hot air before I realized what he had said.
"What?" I asked. My hand was still on his chest, and I felt his heart, beating harder and even faster than before.
He looked at my face carefully, breathing too fast.
"What did you say?" I asked again, shock rising through my body and making my heart go at the same speed as Harvey's.
"Mariah." He spoke my name with a different voice. It was the voice of not a boyfriend, but a husband. He had matured even more just by asking me at all.
"What?" I said, feeling tears come, tears of happiness and amazement.
"Marry me. I love you." I could see his eyes watering now.
The tears in my eyes spilled over to my cheeks as I smiled, my jaw dropped. Never before had I felt this way in my entire life. It was pure joy, and I knew it. It was more amazing than all those times I had spent with Dustin when he still was my friend. It was better than that. It was Harvey.
"Harvey!" I cried.
"Mariah." He smiled, laughing a little as tears ran down his cheeks.
"What…?" I didn't know what to say.
If I said yes, then I would marry Harvey. I would be happy forever and ever. I loved Harvey more than I could possibly say. If I married Harvey, my dreams would come true.
But if I did say yes, I would have to get over Dustin. I wouldn't be allowed to remember anything to do with him, and I wouldn't be allowed to have these episodes. No more Dustin. All Harvey.
If I said no, guilt along with new depression would settle in and I would never be able to forgive myself for hurting Harvey. I loved him. I couldn't just let him go.
"I…" I couldn't speak. There were no words.
"Will you? Please, Mariah. I love you so much." He stroked my cheek with his gentle fingers and stared lovingly into my eyes.
"Harvey…"
"Mariah?" He waited for an answer.
"I don't…"
"Just say yes or no. If you don't want to, I want you to just say no. I won't be angry. I might be sad, but don't worry about that." Harvey sighed, "Say what you want, don't say yes just to please me."
I prepared myself to say yes but I couldn't speak. I could hardly move. I was frozen, staring into the water. My mouth was open, ready for the word that I knew was coming.
I was going to marry Harvey. I would be a wife. I would be Harvey's wife. Harvey would be my husband. Mrs. Harvey Nelson. It had a lovely sound to it. Mariah Nelson.
"Mariah Nelson." I said, laughing.
"What?" He laughed.
"I love you." I said, kissing him.
"Mariah…I love you too, but will you please answer the question?" He said, pulling me back and looking at my face again, waiting impatiently.
"Not a question…" Words flew out of my mouth without warning, "More like an order. 'Marry me.' That's what you said. It wasn't a question. It was a demand."
I could tell I was rambling, but I couldn't stop. The words escaped unknowingly. I didn't know what I was saying.
"I'm sorry. What I meant was 'Will you marry me?' Is that better?" Harvey looked confused, but he still smiled.
"Better." I said. I kissed him again, first on the lips and then down to the neck again, holding his face in my hands.
"Mariah. Stop." Harvey said, grabbing my wrists and holding me back, "No more. Answer my question, please." He seemed more serious now.
I couldn't say the word I wanted to say.
"Please Mariah. Just say yes or no. I won't be angry if you say no, I promise." I saw more agony spread across his face, as if he knew I would disappoint him.
"I…"
"Mariah. Please…" His voice cracked as he pleaded for my answer. He kissed my wrists passionately, closing his eyes as another tear came down his cheek.
"Why are you crying?" I asked.
"I know you'll say 'No' I'm positive. It's okay. I just need you to say it out loud, okay?" Harvey cried.
"Harvey! Why would I say 'No'?" I asked, holding his face.
"You're hesitating, trying to find a way to let me down easy. You're stalling." Harvey looked at the ground.
"If I wanted to say 'No' I would have flat out said it." I said.
"Mariah…"
I climbed into his lap, wrapping my arms lovingly around his neck. I kissed his tender lips gently, again and again. I let my fingers run through his soft hair. I let my hands wander towards his face, stroking his wet cheeks softly.
I kissed his cheeks, his neck and finally I moved up to his ear and kissed it softly before I whispered, "Yes."
Harvey laughed through joyful tears. He held me closer, hugging me romantically and whispering into my ear how much he loved me.
I knew now that memories of Dustin would be scarce. I would forget about him for a while, I just knew it. It would be Harvey now. My life would revolve around Harvey. Dustin wouldn't enter my mind for weeks, months, maybe years. I was relieved.
We cried together in happiness as he reached into his pocket. He pulled out a perfect, beautiful, diamond ring.
The tears came harsher and faster as he took my hand softly and slid it onto my finger.
Still crying hysterically, he leaned his head against my shoulder and let his tears soak into my sleeve.
For the first time, I kissed my fiancé.
Eight
The sun came through the window and splashed across my face in the early morning. I remembered that I had forgotten to close the blinds before bed. I had forgotten everything after last night, except for Harvey.
I squinted at the bright light in the window. I glanced at the clock next to me, and it read seven in the morning. I sighed and rolled over to face him.
When I saw his sleeping, happy face, all the memories of the previous night washed over me. I remembered every single thing that happened at Pablo's. I glanced at my finger, at the perfect, silvery ring.
Yet another tear fell down from my eyes to the pillow beneath my face.
Last night had been filled with tears of happiness. Harvey and I had cried more than ever as soon as I'd accepted his proposal.
The sleeping Harvey did not stir just yet, and I was getting impatient. I stared at his perfectly shaped lips and wished they were on mine. I glanced at his gentle hands and wished they were touching me.
I couldn't wait any longer. I scooted closer to him, so close that I could feel his hot breath on my lips.
My heart skipped a beat.
I let my lips find their way towards his. I kissed him softly at first, just to wake him up. He didn't speak or sigh or make any noises at all. I thought he was still asleep until I felt his warm hand on my waist.
I kissed him more passionately now. I put my palms on his soft cheeks and let my lips search his face. His mouth, his nose, his cheeks, his eyes all touched my lips and my eyes were tearing again.
He kissed me back, tenderly and gently. Each kiss was different. It told a different story and sang a different voice.
"Mariah…" Harvey whispered in my ear.
"No speaking." I said softly, hardly speaking at all as my lips touched his ears and now his neck.
He sighed softly and held me tighter. He dug his fingers into my shirt and I gasped.
We continued kissing for what seemed like years of bliss and joy.
Finally, we lay facing each other, breathing heavier than normal and staring into each other's eyes.
"I love you." He whispered.
I sighed thoughtfully. I was engaged the man of my dreams. It was the most amazing feeling in the world.
"I love you, Harvey. I love you more than anything." I said, stroking his face.
He giggled quietly and closed his eyes. I soon followed, letting sleep consume me for just a minute longer.
A minute turned into an hour before I woke. When I did, Harvey wasn't next to me.
Where had he gone? I sat up instantly, my heart throbbing in panic.
"Harvey?" I called frantically.
"I'm here!" His hands were around my waist and he pulled me back to the bed.
"Don't leave me!" I cried, hugging him.
"I never will!"
"Promise?"
"I promise. I love you." He grabbed my hand and kissed the ring on my finger that he had given me.
"I love you too." I smiled in relief.
He laughed calmly and lay back down.
"Can I tell Ursula?" I shrieked in excitement.
"Of course." He laughed.
I squealed in excitement and grabbed the phone on the nightstand.
I immediately dialed Ursula's cell phone number, smiling and biting my lip in excitement. I couldn't wait to tell my best friend of my engagement.
"Hello?" Ursula's peppy voice sang.
"Ursula!" I shrieked. I couldn't wait to spill the news.
"Mariah, how was last night? What happened? Why did he take you to Pablo's? I've been waiting for your call all morning! I would have called but I was afraid to disturb any romantic moments!" Ursula said in a quick, nonstop, almost planned speech.
"Ursula! Calm down!" I laughed.
"So?"
"Last night was…amazing." I said.
Harvey laughed behind me.
"Why? What happened?" Ursula's impatient tone came.
"Well, first I have to ask you a question."
"Mariah! This is not the time for questions! Just tell me!"
"Hold your horses, Ursula. Just one question." I laughed.
"Okay hurry up." She groaned.
I paused, laughing.
"Mariah!"
"Will you be my maid of honor?" I asked.
"What?" Ursula screamed.
"I'm getting married!" I squealed.
I waited while she screamed in excitement. I held the phone away from my ear, and I could still hear the screaming perfectly. I laughed the whole time, and so did Harvey.
"You are not!" Ursula finally said in disbelief.
"Yes I am!"
"No way!" she screamed.
"Ursula, calm down. No more screaming." I laughed.
"I just can't believe it!"
She went on and on for minutes about how amazing it was, asking me questions about what Harvey had said when he proposed and such. I was in such a good mood; I hardly even noticed that her high-pitched voice was extra annoying after hearing my news. I didn't care. I was too happy.
"This is so amazing, I've never been in a wedding before." Ursula sighed.
"I know, me either. And I'm the bride!" I laughed.
"But, Mariah?" Ursula was suddenly serious.
"Yeah?"
"What about…you know…Dustin?" she asked, almost whispering.
"Well, we'll talk about that later." I said, afraid that Harvey might suspect something if I went into details now.
Finally, Ursula and I hung up and I turned back to Harvey who was still lying on the bed next to me.
His eyes were closed and he breathed evenly and deeply, smiling a little.
I lay next to him and placed my hand on his neck.
"Are you asleep?" I whispered.
Harvey stirred, sighing, and said, "Not anymore."
I laughed as he kissed me.
"Let's go out to breakfast." I suggested.
"No, let's make omelets, together." He said.
"Okay." I smiled.
In one swift motion, Harvey stood from the bed. He stretched his arms as I stared at his gentle face.
"Let's go." Harvey smiled, picking me up from the bed.
"Harvey!" I laughed.
He carried me out of the bedroom as if I weighed nothing. I marveled at his strength. I buried my face in his bare chest, smiling.
He laughed and bent his head down to kiss me.
Nine
After that, Harvey never went back to his old, crabby ways. He would never come home from work exhausted or angry, but instead, he greeted me with a smile and a kiss.
It pleased me that he was so happy to be engaged to me, but his happy mood also came with his childish, carefree, fun personality. Dustin came into my mind whenever Harvey joked around with me. It made me worried that this might go on throughout my entire marriage to Harvey. It scared me.
In any case, I enjoyed life. I was happy overall. Nothing could change that, not even my memories of Dustin.
But still, something inside of me hurt. I knew it was Dustin, but I couldn't bring myself to do anything about it. Nothing would help. I could never tell Harvey about him, but I could go to someone else.
The phone rang once before she answered.
"Hello?" Ursula said.
"Ursula, what are you doing right now?" I said, nervously.
"Nothing. I'm so bored. Ken went to New York for some meeting and I'm stuck at home, just watching T.V. Why?" Ursula said too fast.
"You're alone?" I nearly whispered. Harvey was in the office, and I didn't want him to hear me.
"Yeah, I'm super bored, want to come over?" Ursula asked.
"I do. I need to talk to you about something. How long until Ken gets back?"
"Not until Monday." She said, "Is something wrong?"
"Yeah, kind of. I'm coming over. See you in a few."
"Okay…bye!" Ursula said uncertainly.
I sighed sharply and hung up the phone. I took a few deep breaths, in through my nose, out through my mouth, before I headed down the hall.
Harvey was once again at the computer, checking his email. I smiled even though he couldn't see.
I walked over to him, placed a hand on his shoulder and kissed his cheek.
"Hey!" he laughed.
I giggled childishly before I said, "I'm going over to Ursula's. I might be gone for a while. We're going to watch some movies. Is that okay?"
"Yeah, sure! I'll miss you." He sighed.
"I'll miss you too. I love you." I smiled and kissed his lips before skipping delightedly down the hall.
When I reached the front door, I bent down to pick up my bag from where I had left it. I marveled once again at the ring on my finger and smiled.
Harvey, Harvey, Harvey, Harvey, Harvey.
It hadn't stopped since our engagement. All I thought about was Harvey.
I knew that was all about to change, though. I flinched and opened the front door, calling, "Bye! Love you!"
"Love you!" Harvey called before I closed the door casually and walked towards my car.
On the ride to Ursula's house, I mentally prepared myself for what I was about to do. I breathed deeply, closing my eyes at stoplights. I was so scared, and at the same time excited to get it over with.
I needed to do this. If I didn't, I might be stuck loving two men for the rest of my life. I'd be married to one, and broken about the other. And Harvey would still never know. Tragedies could occur. I needed this to happen.
Ursula was the only one who could help, I knew for sure. My mother wouldn't be helpful, and none of my other friends knew about Dustin. Ursula was the only one.
I was glad for that. Ursula was so optimistic, she would be supportive, I knew.
That's why I felt almost calm when I pulled into her driveway. I sat in the car for five seconds.
Harvey, Harvey, Harvey, Harvey, Dustin.
That's what needed to happen. Just for a few hours. It would be over soon.
I took a deep breath and stepped out of the car.
Memories threatened to come as I walked towards the front door, but I stopped them, savoring the moments of peace that followed.
I opened the front door and stepped inside, loving the cool air conditioning as it splashed across my face.
"Ursula?" I called.
"In here, honey bunches." Ursula called from the living room.
I walked slowly but still casually toward her. I had been to her house a thousand times, of course, but today it looked slightly different. Maybe it was because the room was spinning. But of course, I couldn't be distracted. I was on a mission.
"Whoa, what's wrong with you?" Ursula said as soon as she saw me.
"We have to talk." I said.
"What's wrong? You look sick, Mariah. Are you okay?" Ursula turned off the television and stood, walking over to me.
"Nothing, I just…"
"Is there something wrong? Did you and Harvey get in a fight?" Ursula put on her sympathetic face.
"No…"
"Well then, does your family not approve of the marriage? Cause I thought they loved Harvey!"
"They do, but…"
"Or are you having doubts? Do you not want to marry him? Because personally, I think you two are perfect for each other, and…"
"This is not about Harvey!" I shrieked, "It's Dustin! I need to talk to you about Dustin!"
Ursula took a step back and paused before saying, "What do you mean? I thought you were getting over him…"
"I know. I'm going to get over him. Right now. And you're going to help me." I said confidently.
"What do you mean?" Ursula sounded worried.
"I can't think about Dustin anymore, Ursula! It hurts me! And if I'm getting married, I'm not going to allow myself to love another man!" Words flew out, unstoppable.
"So how are you planning to get over Dustin right this second, Mariah?" Ursula looked more worried, and even angry, every second.
"I'm…well, I'm planning to just…you know…let it all out. Right now." I hesitated, looking down.
"What do you mean?" Ursula put her hands on her hips.
"I'll just think about him right now and let it all out. Then I probably won't think about him for a long time…you know?" I looked at the ground again.
"Mariah, I'm not sure that's such a good idea…"
"Ursula, trust me. This is going to work." I nodded.
"Well in college you were not doing too well…"
"I know. But I have Harvey now. It will be fine."
My confidence was overwhelming. I never thought I would be able to do this so calmly. But I knew, in a few minutes, maybe in an hour, I wouldn't feel so good.
But after that, everything would be all right.
After a long argument with Ursula on why I should do this, she finally gave in and decided that it might be best to just try it. If I just let all my feelings and memories about Dustin go right now, then maybe I wouldn't think about him for a long time afterward. Then, I could marry Harvey, maybe repeat the process every year or so and everything would be all right.
Slowly and carefully Ursula led me to her bedroom so I could think and sleep and dream and wake.
I took deep breaths and prepared for the worst night of my life.
Ten
I was thirteen years old.
Dustin and I sat in my bedroom, chatting about Angie and her new boyfriend. Angie always had a boyfriend. We knew that.
Dustin sat on my window seat, looking out the window and smiling.
"You're so lucky you have a two story house." Dustin sighed.
"Yeah, but it's a pain to walk up the stairs." I complained.
"I bet you could get on the roof." He looked at me and raised his eyebrows.
"Yeah? How?" I challenged.
"Just through the window! You could just step on the roof from here!" He laughed.
"Yeah, and then you would fall off!" I teased.
"Let's try!"
"Oh, fine."
Dustin and I tried, with much difficulty, to open the jammed window. I had never really opened it before, and it seemed as though the window was stuck to the windowsill. Finally, we managed to pry it open, laughing.
"That was hard." Dustin laughed.
"I guess half the adventure was opening the window." I said.
"Yeah…"
We paused, staring out the window.
"You go first." I suggested.
"No, you!" He protested.
"Dustin!"
"Okay, fine, I'll go first. I'm older and more experienced." He laughed.
"Hey, I'm only three months younger than you!" I protested.
Dustin laughed and climbed out the open window carefully. He took cautious steps until finally his whole body had disappeared from my bedroom.
"Dustin? How is it?" I called.
"Mariah, you have to get up here!" He said.
"Okay, I'll try." I said, gathering up my courage.
I attempted to climb through my bedroom window and onto the roof. It was a very difficult task, but I managed to finally make it up and safe. I looked around the roof for Dustin, but I couldn't find him.
"Dustin? Dustin, where are you?" I called.
"Boo!" He said, standing right behind me.
I jumped and gave him a mean look, jokingly of course.
"Isn't it pretty?" He asked, sitting down on the tiles.
I finally looked out into the distance instead of just at the roof. What I saw shocked me.
It was the most beautiful view of my neighborhood I could ever imagine. The palm trees were black against the pink and orange sunset. The blackness of the night went over our heads and behind our backs, but the sun was still shining, setting, directly in front of us. In the distance, I saw Dustin's house. His dog was rolling around in the backyard. I laughed.
"It's beautiful!" I gasped.
"I know. Lucky for me, I figured out how to get up here!" Dustin teased.
"Oh, stop bragging." I rolled my eyes.
He laughed.
"Let's go up here more often." He suggested.
I thought about this. I could spend every second of every day up here. "More often" was an understatement.
"Okay."
Eleven
I was thirteen years old.
"Hey, Dustin." I said as I jumped onto his bed and sat across from him.
"Hey! How was the movie with Brett?" He asked, referring to my most recent boyfriend.
"Um, it was okay." I looked down.
"Just okay? Why?" He threw the sports magazine he was reading on the ground and sat up, listening to whatever I had to say intently.
"No reason." I looked up at him and tried to hide my disappointment.
Dustin raised his eyebrows and gave me a meaningful look.
"Just…he…well, never mind." I laughed nervously and looked down again.
"Mariah, come on. You can tell me." Dustin encouraged.
"I don't want to talk about it." I said.
"So it is something bad."
"No, Dustin, it's just…"
I paused, trying to think of how to tell him about my last conversation with Brett.
Brett was my third boyfriend. My first had been when I was twelve. His name was Lance, and we got along well, but our relationship wasn't real. It was just 7th grade romance, nothing more. My second had been a couple months before Brett came along. His name was Chris. He was a nice guy, but I found myself not very connected with him, so I broke it off with him.
Brett was the first boyfriend that had ever meant something to me. He was always there when I needed him, and I cared about him deeply. He was just like a best friend, but I could kiss him and hold his hand instead of just talk to him. I felt like I really loved him.
So now that I sat on Dustin's bed, trying to figure out what to say, I was scared. I was afraid to tell Dustin of what had happened.
"Did you guys get in a fight?" Dustin asked, placing his hand on mine.
"No," I said, squeezing his hand, "Well, sort of…"
"Mariah, I want you to just tell me what happened, alright?" Dustin said.
"Okay, okay." I gave in.
"Go ahead."
I sighed and began my story with hesitation, "We went to the movies, and then after the movie, he said that he needed to talk to me."
"Oh, no." Dustin sighed.
"He sat me down on one of those benches and told me…" I sighed.
"Yes?" Dustin said, squeezing my hand harder.
"He told me that he wanted to break up with me." I sighed, relieved that I had actually gotten it out.
Dustin sighed as well and leaned his head on my shoulder. "I'm sorry." He whispered.
"Me too." I sighed.
He looked at me, trying to read my face carefully.
"What?" I asked.
"You're being so brave about it. Most girls I know would break down crying." He said.
"I know, well, I'm just going to get over it as quickly as I can so it wont hurt." I responded.
He looked at me again, looking directly into my eyes and nowhere else as he said, "Does it hurt now?"
I looked down as tears started to form, but I pushed them back inside.
"A little." I admitted.
Twelve
I was thirteen years old.
I approached Dustin, stomping and scowling.
"I can't believe him!" I shrieked as soon as I was next to Dustin.
"Who? What happened?" he asked.
"JJ! He's such a freak! I can't believe him!" I felt angry tears coming, but I wouldn't let them escape my eyes.
"What did he do?" Dustin asked.
"He…he was making out with some other girl!" I shrieked.
"What?" Dustin shouted.
"I know! It's ridiculous! I can't believe him!"
"Does he know that you saw them? Who was the other girl? What did you say to him?" Dustin said quickly and angrily.
"He knows I saw! I gave him a little talk! I yelled at him! I broke up with him! I hate him! And the other girl is some stupid 7th grader that shouldn't even exist!" I said loudly, making the people around us turn their heads.
"You broke up with him?" Dustin asked.
"Of course I did!" I cried.
"Mariah…"
"What?"
Dustin looked at the ground and hesitated. I could tell there was something he was afraid to tell me.
"It's just that," he said, "I did warn you about him."
I could tell that he wanted to say more, but I ignored this thought and said sarcastically, "Well that makes me feel a lot better!"
"I'm sorry…" He said.
"Dustin, you could at least be sympathetic that he cheated on me instead of saying 'I told you so.'" I cried.
"I know, but I really think you need to be more careful with the guys you have a relationship with, Mariah." He said quietly.
"What?" I shrieked.
"Most of the guys you go out with are just sweet and charming on the outside. You should get to know them better next time." Dustin said quickly, as if he had practiced this speech.
We stood in silence for a moment.
"Will you please consider what you're doing next time you start dating someone?" Dustin asked, more calmly this time.
I wanted to yell at him, scream in his face that he was being so rude and horrible to me. I wanted to slap him across the face and stomp away and never speak to him again. But I couldn't. I couldn't do any of those things because through all of the anger I was feeling, I knew he was right.
"Mariah…I'm sorry. But you have to admit that most of the guys you go out with hurt you in the end." Dustin said, placing his hand on my shoulder gently.
"Yeah." I said, as tears finally came, "I admit it. I'll…I'll think about it."
I started to walk away. I needed to be alone. None of my friends, not even Dustin, could comfort me.
"Mariah…" Dustin stopped me.
"Yes?" I asked through tears.
Dustin hesitated, but finally said, "I'm really sorry that he did this to you. You don't deserve it. You never deserved it. I'm sorry."
I wanted to collapse on the ground and cry hysterically, but I held it in. Instead I collapsed into Dustin's arms and held him tightly, crying.
Thirteen
I woke, still grasping the realities of my dreams. A whole life I never remembered, a life I never wanted to know about, had been opened up in my sleep. I had experienced what I never thought I would again. Memories of Dustin, once and for all. I had completely ended his chapter in my life. It would be over, forever.
I erased his words, his image, his name from my memories. They were gone. Who was that boy in high school again? He hardly existed. In my head, he was just known as a bad thing. Maybe not even a person at all, just a bad memory that I didn't ever want to think about. My whole life with him had been compiled into one memory that sat in the back of my mind, rarely thought about and hardly ever opened.
In short, I forgot him.
I felt dizzy as I realized where I was. I was in Ursula's bed, right. I remembered. In my sleep I had disappeared to another world, another life. But now, I was back. Now, I was living for the present, not the past. I would never venture back there again.
I was living for Harvey, now.
I sat up in her bed, wondering how long I had slept, what time it was, what day it was. My sleep had been so deep and dark that I had no idea how much time had passed. It could have been seconds since I had fallen asleep, or it could have been years. I wouldn't be surprised if I looked in the mirror and my face had aged ten years over night.
I checked the clock on Ursula's bedside table. It was three in the afternoon. I had slept for four hours.