Disclaimer: I do not own the Demonata series by Darren Shan.
Killing Nadia Moore
I can still remember the first act of 'evil' I ever committed.
Lord Loss was summoned by a foolish mage in Wales, a week after I joined him, although it was probably more like five years in human time. My master told all of us who crossed with him to do what we liked with the people nearby; we could kill them in other words. But to get the fear he desired, he first ordered me to kill the person nearest to me.
For this crossing, rather than my swan demon form, I wore a human form. I think that was why the people hadn't started screaming yet. I looked at the human who would be the first victim. It was a boy. A young-looking boy, with a chubby but cheeky face which was taut with horror, his brown hair swept across his forehead. A boy who was no older than twelve and had probably only been walking past at the wrong time.
I had killed and tortured rogue demons with Lord Loss before but this was different. I knew I was no longer a human but it still felt wrong. Like I was somehow betraying myself.
I stepped towards the boy and gently put my hands on his trembling shoulders. Then, avoiding looking at him properly, I let the magic control me. I lowered my head and kissed him, slowly draining his life. At the same time, I tugged at his arms. He screamed wordlessly into my mouth as his arms were torn away by my magic-enforced strength. When all of his life was gone, I spat him out and watched as all the other people screamed.
I couldn't bring myself to look at the remains of the boy.
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I never feel remorse for my actions. I'm more demon than human- more evil than good, I suppose. If I have to go and kill hundreds of humans in unimaginable ways then I do it and I do it eagerly because I'm not one of them anymore. All I care about now is serving Lord Loss and being free. Because that's what I am- free.
But, every so often, when I'm alone, I remember saving Kernel in the Board. I recall him reminding me that Lord Loss would make me do evil things and I remember telling him that I had no problem with that. When I remember that, I sometimes wonder if I was being completely honest or if I did have any slight doubts. But even if I did, it was remarkable how quickly they went away.
Still, when I think about who I am, I will think back to that first Act. And, for the first time in what will seem like ages, I will feel sad. I will feel horrified. Not because of what I did nor because of who I became but because of who died. Because, on that day, Nadia Moore was finally killed and Juni Swan took her place.
And, sometimes, when I remember Nadia, I have to wonder: was this swap really worth her death?